This is such a long and complicated story...I'll try to keep it short. Tonight I was helping my oldest daughter to bed, brushing her teeth, etc. Now, she is 5, but she still wears a diaper to bed and although we haven't really said much to her about it, I can tell it is starting to bother her. So I suggested that before we put on her diaper that she go potty so that she would have a dry diaper in the morning (3 in a row means she can wear underwear to bed). She got really upset (as she usually does when someone mentions the potty to her) so I didn't say much more, I just sensed that something was wrong so I said, "What do you wish right now?" (I was thinking she would say something like "I wish I was out of diapers" or "I wish [something about school]" but no...my 5-year-old said, "I wish you would die." I stood there, shocked. I put on her diaper and put her to bed without stories. I told her (trying to be calm) that those were by far the most hurtful words she had ever said to me. Then I left the room crying. I went back in a few minutes later and she said she was sorry and I could tell she meant it. She was so upset--sobbing--over the apparent strength of her words. I lay with her a bit while she calmed down and we talked a little, but I had not much to say so I left. I stood by the window crying when she came out again sobbing asking me to please come lie with her. I told her I was pretty sad and she cried and cried about how she didn't mean it. We sat in the rocking chair just holding each other and I didn't say much. I talked a bit about how I suspected she had no idea that her words could be so hurtful and that I hoped she had learned something. She just hugged me.
Long story short--I KNOW she didn't mean it. I KNOW that. But what on this earth could POSSIBLY make a child say that??? What have I done wrong as a parent that she would come up with that?? Please don't tell me TV or video games--we don't have either of those things. Her TV viewing has been a handful of Disney movies (maybe three) and a few episodes of Magic School Bus and Blue's Clues. We simply don't have it in the house. What do I have to do to make sure that my 5yo becomes a productive and caring member of society? This year has been her first real school experience too.... This child is normally active and happy--she loves to read, play with her friends, do yoga, dance, play outside in the rain...the list goes on. She is really very wonderful--what gives???
It's probably her frustration with the diaper situation. The transference went to you in the heat of the moment.
Did you ask her why she said that? That would be the first thing I would do. Maybe she heard something about it at school. Maybe she is so upset about things with her that she took it out on you. Parents are the closest people to their children so the children take everything out on them. Unfortunately, we take the brunt of their anger and frustrations. BUT instead of taking things personally(which I know is very hard) find out the WHY in it. Why do you want me to die? Why do you hate me? It's amazing what you find out when you ask that...and what the child discovers about themself!
Good luck!
Hi A.
I suspect that your daughter was just testing to see what would happen if she said something like that and didn't really know the strength of her words. She may have heard something similar somewhere and was curious about how you would react. It could also have been just an overboard reaction about the whole diaper thing. She's feeling really bad about that and so she wanted to see how bad she could make you feel. I wouldn't dwell on it much but try and talk to her about it now that you've both calmed down and see what she says. Maybe someone at school had a family member pass away and they got lots of attention so she wished she could have gotten some of that kind of attention.
After 3 kids I've heard many "I hate you"s and "I wish you would die"s (usually after discipline of some kind) and at this point when my youngest (14) pulls it I just thank him and tell him that if I can get that kind of reaction out of him then I know I'm doing something right!! :)
Hi A.,
I have to reassure you that absolutely nothing is wrong with your daughter, and this doesn't mean that you did something wrong as a parent. In fact, it means the opposite -- that you have provided her with a safe, loving environment in which she can test her developing emotions, confusion, frustration etc. As a mom of 6, I have heard these types of hurtful things from my children, too. And my kids are homeschooled and hardly ever watch TV, etc, so it doesn't mean she's being corrupted by those influences either. At that age, they really don't even know what it means. She obviously is trying to test appropriate limits in dealing with her diaper issue, and probably with still processing the death of her little sister, not to mention the adjustment of starting school. I know my children struggled with the whole death issue when I miscarried three times. They don't really understand the permanence of it. And kids also don't have any idea of the power of words at that age either. It's obvious from her remorse that she had no idea it would impact you like that, and I'm sure you're reaction terrified her. It scares them when they feel out of control, and it scares them more when we seem out of control of our emotions. Don't get me wrong -- they need to know when they hurt us, but we need to be careful to show only enough emotion so they understand emotions should be expressed, and that we are human, but not overwhelm them with the depth of emotion we might feel, however justified. Sometimes, I'll take a time out for myself in these situations until I can control my reaction somewhat. Just know that this is all a very normal part of parenting, and that you are doing a fine job with your daughter.
Also, on another note, the nighttime bedwetting is also normal for many kids at this age, and she may need some reassurance of that. Some kids, no matter whether they pee right before bed or not, just don't wake up to pee when they fall asleep. It will pass. They have those great pullups out now that look like shorts -- maybe those would help her feel less ashamed and more like a big kid? Good luck. Be at peace.
I won't go and on echoing what others have said about a 5 year old's level of understanding, that point has been made very well. It seems to me, from what you have written, that she might be feeling worse about the "diaper" than you even realize. Maybe even your subtle suggestion to use the potty first brought up a sense of shame in her -- despite your best attempts to not inflict that on her. Children also have expectations for themselves, particularly once they've begun interacting with other children. She felt the sting of not meeting expectations and took it out on what she perceived to be the source of the pain in that moment. Of course, she didn't mean it in a literal sense and apparently your reaction was way more than she was ready for. Letting her know that words can be hurtful - yes. Potentially wanting her to feel as bad as you felt - hmmm. That's mirroring her behavior rather than being a guide. I also might encourage you to take this teaching moment to address some of your own insecurities -- we all have them. The depth of your response suggests you might be carrying something more inside than you realize. Yes, on the surface no one wants to feel unloved, but if you dig a little deeper you might find out why you weren't able to put the comments in context. There's a great book about nurturing and understanding our children through all their stages of development, called "Magic Trees of the Mind..." by Marian Diamond and Janet Hopson. It's fantastic. I wish you all the best. And don't be so hard on the both of you.
A.,
Don't take it personally - as hard as that might be. I think you did the right thing. She probably DIDN'T realize how badly that would hurt -the good thing is she was aware that it hurt your feelings and she apologized right away and demonstrated empathy, and tried to make it right by having you snuggle with her.
I have a 7 and almost 8 year old (sons) and they have said "I hate you" in a moment of frustration and anger - we had a talk about how words hurt, and I used it as a learning opportunity - to say what they were feeling instead of saying mean things. They have never been that hurtful since.
It is clear she is sensitive about the whole diaper thing. My youngest was wearing pull ups well into age 5, close to 6 - so I think that while it's kind of old, its not unusual either. When she's ready she'll transition out of the diapers. All kids are different.
Good luck!
In my honest opinion.....She's just a 5 year old little girl you took it way too personally and gave the whole ordeal way too much attention.
My daughter is five and recently said "what does die mean". It is my suspicion that your daughter may not even know what die means...therefore when she said something (she probably heard somewhere else) she had no idea how hurtful what she said would mean.
What bothers me most is that you gave it so much attention. In this situation I think it would have been best to maybe ask her if she knows what die means? She probably didnt even know it was hurtful and then to make her feel guilty about saying it and having her see you so upset...it's almost (IMO) too much burdon for you to be putting on such a young child.
I hope I am not sounding too harsh.....I am just suprised that you let her see you so upset over and over again and gave it too much attention. I don't mean to upset you by saying this but you reacted in a way with a (5 year old) who is just learning new words and phrases.......the same way you would if it was an 11 year old or adult.
I hope this helps and again in no way am I meaning to sound harsh...just giving my opinion. The fact that she said something like this just means that unfortuantely like the rest of our little ones they are learning, hearing and seeing much more then you think they do. It's nothing you did and this is just the first of many many situations that will arise where you will calmly and efficiently need to correct what they have learned or said to be appropriate for you family rules and society.
I hope this helps and remember she's 5. No way does she really wish her mommy would die....(In this situation your the silly goose).
I have taught pre-k for almost ten years and a lot of times children will use language that they hear and they often do not completely understand the abstraction of the words they are using. For many children, death is an abstraction. Many young children are not familiar with what it means for someone CLOSE (a parent/grandparent)to die. Often I have heard my 4 or 5 year olds "play" with this word for the reaction they will get. My advice, ask her what this word means to her. Where did she hear it (did a friend say it to her at school?) What is her understanding of it? Ask her how she would feel if someone used those words with her? She might be displacing feelings of embarrassment/anger over having to earn her big girl underwear (3 dry diapers), by trying to get a reaction. As for your parenting, go easy on yourself. This sounds fairly typical of the age group..they like to test the waters and challenge a bit! I hope this helps. Good luck!
Hi A.,
I am child therapist working in the field for over fifteen years (and mom to an eight year old girl and ten year old boy) and I want to reassure you that this is SO INCREDIBLY NORMAL!!!! She is experimenting with the power of her words and it sounds like she's learned a good lesson, that she hurt you and needed to apologize. But for your own sake try to understand that there will be many more moments like this and try not to take it personal. As the mom, you will be the "target" of your daughter's incredible amount of love but also all her rage and anger - you are the safest person in her life thus the best to experiment with - take that as a compliment to your parenting skills!
Keep up the good work:)
M.
Hi A.,
I'm sorry that happened to you and I agree with what most of the other parents have responded with (she didn't know the weight of her words, she learned it at school, etc.). I'm only responding because I think it's inappropriate for some to be criticizing you at a point when you are reaching out for support and answers. Unfortunately, I think a lot of parents love to tell other parents what they are doing wrong and how they would do things differently. It is difficult to know, based on a brief write-up, all of the aspects of your life, your parenting, your daughter's personality, and so on. What you have demonstrated is that you are a sensitive parent, very attuned to your daughter's words. I hope additional comments can strive to be more supportive. And, if not, I think as children we all learned the phrase "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Best of luck... K.
Hi A.,
I don't want to sound judgemental, because I can tell by the tone of your letter that you truly are a loving, caring, mom, but there were a couple of things I noted in your letter which a 5 year old struggling to grow up might find confusing. First of all a normal, healthy five year old should NOT be wearing a diaper, ever. If she has bedwetting problems (very common) there are other products (such as pullups) which she should be able to put on all by herself as she prepares for bed. This way SHE has control to go to the bathroom independently and to change herself in the morning. Secondly, her hateful comment was immature way to express her frustration. Your over reaction to it put additional stress on her which she should not have had to be exposed to. It put her in the position of having to mother you and your feelings. Perhaps a more appropriate thing to do would be to say. It sounds like you are very angry at me, but we do not say hateful things like that is this house and I want you to apologize to me. Then, you could help her find a way to express what she was feeling more appropriately.
You want your daughter to grow into a strong, well adjusted, independent women. To do that you have be an example of a strong, well adjusted, independent women. Falling apart over the temper tantrum of a five year old does not set that example. What will you do when she is an insolent 13 year old. Mom, take control now and promote independence in your little one. She will feel more secure if you act confident and secure.
You will, before you know it, have to relinquish this little one to the world. Arm her well. Consider therapy if needed to help you to form better parenting strategies.
J. L.
A little about me: I am a 47 year old mother of four children ages 29, 22, 8, and 7.
A., after reading some of the other responses, one question kept coming to my mind which I suppose I did not give enough credence to initially. I wonder if the still birth that you experienced last year is driving some of the dynamic in your household, both your daughters anxiety and your sadness. If you have not been able to reconcile some of those issues you might want to consider some short term therapy. Best Wishes
J. L.
It seems as though your daughter displaced her anger over the diaper onto you. She is being a normal 5 yr old! I have heard many other mothers talk about the same hurtful statement coming out of their 5 yr olds mouths as well. My son is 5 and he has said things that were quite hurtful as well--"I don't love you". They do not mean what they are saying. Your daughter is behaving like a normal child so please try not to let the hurtful things she may say bother you quite so much. You have done absolutely nothing wrong as a parent, don't be so hard on your self. Children learn all sorts of terrible statements and behavior from many different places--school, the playground and T.V.
She by no means needs any mental help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi A., We had a similar experience a couple of months back with my son (almost 3). He told me he hated me, I asked him if he knew what hate meant and he said, I don't think so. Of course, my initial reaction was hurt, but your child trusts you and will probably "test" you in many ways during her lifetime, trying out these phrases that she doesn't understand on the ones closest to her is a way to learn and test boundaries, find out what is and is not acceptable. I am sorry for the loss of your daughter, those feelings of pain and grief must have come rushing back when your daughter said those words to you. M.
Believe it or not, this is actually a very developmentally NORMAL (although shocking at the time) thing for a kid her age to say. I think you'd be better off not giving her such a huge reaction, since she now may experiment with how else she can manipulate your emotions and reactions (also a very normal, although annoying and sometimes painful) thing that kids do. For them, it's all about experimentation: If I say this, what will Mommy do? If I say it again next week, will she do it again?
Children are naturally curious; it's how they learn. The best response that I've found in these situations is to minimize my personal reaction-display, and instead respond with a chat: what made you think of saying that? How does it make you feel? How do you think it would make me feel? Satisfy their curiosity by posing and answering questions together. Try not to compound the trauma - for you and her - by breaking down in front of her, which could be very scary for her. Not that it's bad for your children to see that you have feelings too; it's just that if you lose control - or if you try to make them feel guilty for their actions - they can get confused and frightened, and may shrink from trusting you with their questions and feelings in future.
It's very hard when a kid gets you in a vulnerable point, and there's nothing wrong with you for feeling those words so painfully in your heart. After all, you are as human and vulnerable as she is. However, you are also older and wiser, and can take this as an opportunity to teach and love her.
Good luck!
I'm sorry you had such a sad experience with your daughter. All I'm going to say is that 1.) I think you handled the situation beautifully and gracefully. 2.) It's actually normal, and you have done NOTHING wrong with how you're raising her. Our children say things that hurt because they know it will get a reaction, or they honestly don't know any better, or they are testing... but through it all they know that no matter what they say we will still love them. So really, your daughter was comfortable enough to say anything to you and know that she would be safe and you would still love her even if she didn't quite grasp how hurtful the words would be to you.
Our children will say far more hurtful things to us as they get older. I've heard a pretty wide range of nasty things from my eldest, who is 7 yrs old. I've learned to shrug it off once it's been dealt with.
Hi A., I am a mother of a 4 almost five year old boy who wet the bed everyniight when he went to under wear. However, we dealt with it a bit diferently hope these suggestions help. About me, I am a psychologist and work with kids age birth to 6.
I am sorry to hear you were so hurt by your daughters words. However try to remember 4, 5 and 6 year olds say these things frequently and they do not come with the same sincere meaning an adult would have when saying it. Kids say hurtful things all of the time and often hear other children saying things like this. My son has told me he hates me when he is very upset or he wants a new mom. I just let him know this those are hurtful words and they make me very sad and they are inappropriate. When you are frustrated or mad think before you open your mouth and say something that is goinbg to hurt me or make us both sad once it is said. And he often now does stop and think before he says something... and comes out with an appropriate saying for his feelings. At this age they need to be taught how to respond and cope with those feelings of frustration and anger.... giving your daughter a more appropriate response and helping her label her feelings can help the both of you with this. I understand you are mad, frustrated sad etc... what can you say that will not hurt my feelings. Like I hate pullups... or I am frustrated I am mad etc.
Also I am wondering why she is still in pull ups. My son will be 5 in June amd we wet the bed everynight until around nov. of 2007. We put a rubber matress pad on the bed with a clean set of sheets under this. so after the accident you can puul of the wet sheets and the pad , change her and put her right back to sleep. WE or I my husband slept:), got up or stayred up till 11 to take him to the bathroom and pee, then I would guide him back to bed tuck him in and he would sleep through without wetting the bed. This lasted I would say from last april till september when he began waking himself to go around 1am and then I would tuck him in and he would go right back to sleep. So by dec. he was accident frre and waking on his own if he needed to go or sleeping through the night otherwise. This is a common problem and very disruptive for everyone. Do you think with the pull up on she is going because she has it on??? try it withpout the puul up for 10 days... My sons pedi is the one who suggested putting clean sheets under the matress cover It worked wonders at night when you needed to change everything! good luck
human nature. We are good(humans), but we have to fight the bad parts, and even the sweetest, most innocent children have it in them. She obviously loves you and didn't know she could hurt you so badly by using her words. I think you handled it well and taught her a lesson that will last. She was most likely frustrated with herself and her situation and didn't know how to express her frustration and took it out on you. Even though it probably doesn't make you feel any better, at least she felt safe enough with you to let it all out. You sound like you have a very loving family.
xox
Please know with absolute certainty that the foundation we lay for our children is put at risk the second we're forced to share them with the rest of the world. Somewhere out there,maybe at this very moment,is a little girl-your daughter's age- laying wide awake,listening to her parents fight in the other room. Children overhear bits of wisdom, words of love and screams of rage. unfortunately-they try out all these bits of emotion &new knowledge .
i humbly suggest that you might explain that there are lots of words out there that we may know HOW to say- but there are some that are so mean that we should NEVER say them. And that while she may have overheard some other child say that easily what she should know is those words are cruel and they probably made that little girl very sad to hear them.
It's so hard to entrust the world with our kids and watch the scratches and bruises appear on there little hearts. but as long as we plan to allow them to later join society,there's no time like the present to start laying a foundation that will help them to filter incoming data. good luck to us all!
Hi A., I also have a 5 year old daughter and a 3 year old daughter. My 5 year old is always telling me "You're mean", "I hate you", "I want a new mom", and she probably did at one time tell me she wished I would die. You said it yourself, you know she did not mean it. At 5 they don't know the meaning of half of what they say. I just say to her "oh well." when she says that stuff to me. If she says your mean, I say, you don't know what mean is. She says, I want a new mom, I tell her I will put her on EBay. She says, I hate you, I say, I am sorry to hear that. Just take it with a grain of salt. I think 5 is a year of growing, finding there independance and they see what they can get away with. Just shrug it off and know that she does not want you to die and she really loves you.........hang in there!
Hi A.,
Wow, that must have been such a hard thing to hear, especially since, as you know, you did nothing to deserve it. I think sometimes kids just try out words in the same way they try out anything -- to see what happens. The fact that she said it means she knew it was a big thing to say, but the truth is she does not have the capacity (no matter how smart or mature she might be) to understand their impact. So she of course did not intend the words to hurt you the way they did. She was testing a limit and trying, in her own 5-year-old way, to express her frustration -- NOT actually trying to tell her mother she wanted her dead. Because she doesn't. Not only because she loves you, but also because she doesn't really know what "dead" means -- at least not in the way an adult does. It's sort of like a kid throwing a ball at a window or reaching for a hot stove to see what happens -- not because she actually wants to break a window or hurt herself. Does that make sense?
Hang in there -- this is a great opportunity for you to help her see how words can hurt, and why it's important to try and choose words carefully. AND, that when you say something you don't mean, you can be forgiven.
Good luck,
M.
Hi,
You are really over-reacting. What your daughter said to you does not mean to her what it means to an adult. She doesn't have the understanding of that word that you do.
Your reaction to what she said must have really upset her and confused her more. You should never have let her see you cry like that! Now she thinks she really hurt you and she's really not capable of understanding why!
My girls are exactly the same ages as yours. I understand what it must have felt to you- especially with your history.
But please understand that your daughter does not place the same meaning to the word "die" that you do! She only wanted you to go away so she didn't have to deal with the diaper issue! I am positive that it was only as simple as that. Kids at her age are literal creatures. She didn't want to deal with the diaper hassle and feeling like she shouldn't have to wear it to bed. Saying "I wish you would die" was a way for her to tell you to go away. I am sure that is all it meant to her.
What you should have done is just say "Oh my goodness! What a silly thing to say! That can be very hurtful and I don't want you to say that again. It hurts Mommy's feelings."
Leave it at that and move on.
It wasn't worth getting everyone upset over.
Good luck- and relax!
-S.
First of all, about the diaper thing, have you tried putting her to bed with no diaper. They sell rubber material with a fabric on them to protect the sheets from getting wet. You should put her to bed with no diaper, get her up to go to the bathroom at around 11:00 and see if she makes it to morning with no accidents. You should limit liquids after dinner as well. You may find this eliminates the sleeping in diaper issue.
As far as your daughter saying hurtful things, she may be angry about the whole diaper thing. Kids don't mean the things they say. They get a reaction from what they say and do even if it is negative. Sounds like she was acting out because of the whole potty thing.
Good luck.
A.-I just want to say that I skimmed thru some of the comments and have to agree with Kimberly H. about others being too critical. We are here to support, not condemn or judge. To me, it seemed that your daughter has displaced anger issues. She knows that other kids her age are rarely wearing diapers to bed. She feels different but takes her disappointment out on one of the stable figures in her life that usually is able to make her world right. She has also lost a sibling to still birth which has tremendous affects on little minds.(and the whole family for that matter) She is probably internalizing things that she just can't communicate to you. She wants someone else to feel her pain and as human nature dictates: when we are hurt or depressed, we seem to take it out on the people we love the most. So in that light, consider yourself deeply loved by your hurting child who is just looking for some validation. Right now she thinks she is a disappointment to you, but I know that is not even close to the truth. You are a wonderful, loving mother who wants the best for her children. She is experiencing some deep struggles at this young age...keep your unconditional love for her at the corpse of your being. It sounds to me that she learned from consequences (seeing you crying) that her actions make a difference and that her words are indeed powerful. Words can tear down or build up. I always say if the Lord spoke the world into existence, then we had better choose our words wisely. I hope it helps to know you have a network of moms here to bear your troubles and help lighten your load. You are in my thoughts today. Peace & Hugs
A.
your daughter truly didn't mean it. she only understands that if you are dead... you are gone and she won't have to listen to you for the time being. She doesn't understand that death is forever.
You mentioned losing a baby so she knows that death means gone but not forgotten.
It sounds like you handled the situation just right. Your daughter sounds like a loving child.
ps. it happens to us all
I think that first of all, while you may think she has an understanding of death and what it means to die, at 5-years old (unless she has had experience with a lot of pets dying), she doesn't understand that. Yes, she wanted to say something hurtful. She truly could have heard it anywhere - she doesn't live in a bubble, and likely heard it from a child who has older siblings. It was likely a new version of "I hate you" to her. It's obvious she understood once she saw how much she had pained you that this just wasn't what she wanted, she didn't really want your feelings hurt so badly. Take comfort in the fact that when she saw the hurt she had caused, she was truly sorry. You may want to think about exposing her to pets and their ultimate death, if you want her to have that life lesson so she understands the meaning of those words.
Actualy, it's not complicated at all. a 5 year old has no concept at all of what death really is. They may see people "die" on TV, but it's an act, they get up again. They have no clue. They know YOU think it's really "bad" - so when she got upset, she said the worst think she could possibly think of in the heat of the moment. No, of course she didn't mean it. Not a bit of it! No, of course she doesn't wish you dead! And if, God forbid, anything ever did happen to you after she had a hissy fit and "wished" something bad on you - she'd be feeling guilty to the end of her days - and probably sitting on a psychiatrist's couch for the majority of them!
Don't read too much into what an angry child says when they are spittin' mad. Actually, let me rephrase that - don't read ANYTHING into what an angry child spits out when they are mad at you. They will say they "hate" you - trust me - they do NOT hate you - they have no idea what "hate" is - they are angry, and displeased with you, and they are unhappy at that particular moment in time - they do NOT hate you! If your child says she wants you to turn blue and explode - trust me, she won't mean that either.
The absolute WORST thing you can do is PAY ATTENTION to this kind of behavior. If she is spitting out venom to you, just IGNORE it. Best thing to do is act like she said nothing at all. Next morning, if you must say something at all, tell her that "Mommy can't talk to you when you don't speak nice words" - or something like that - same way you would handle whining. "I can't speak to a person who doesn't use a 'normal', inside voice", etc. You wouldn't curl up and cuddle with a whiner, right? Well, you don't curl up and cuddle with a kid who has spit venom in your face either - unless you want to solidify that behavior into their repetoir of standard coping strategies when they get annoyed or frustrated with you.
Best bet about the diapers - wean her into Pull-Ups, and let her decide when she's ready for underpants only. It can be scary - my son was 3 when he went all night in underpants - but he was probably 5 when he finally gave up the plastic sheet on his mattress - he was very afraid of wetting his bed. He had two "accidents" in two years - he slept like a rock.... it had nothing to do with late night drinks of water or anything else - he just slept HARD.
If your daughter is getting angry when you try and talk to her at bedtime - talk to her during the day, as gently as you can - and talk to her about it on her level - gently - see what SHE wants to do - "lets come up with a plan" - "what do you think?" - and so on - let her be the guide here - because you are never going to force a 5 year old anyway - it will only lead to tantrums and tears. Suggest to her that pull-ups are safe, and a plastic sheet will protect the mattress, and if she has an accident it's "no biggie" - she's learning. She doesn't have to be "bribed" with anything - it's not her fault, so a "reward" isn't going to make it any better - it only sets her up to want something she can't earn. But if she does have a good week, later on down the road, then you can "celebrate" - you can just plan that in the back of your head, or something. That's what I would do, anyway...
Just remember... this too shall pass... this too shall pass.... this too shall pass.... LOL
Hugs....
A.,
As adults we are bound to experience hurtful words and sometimes from the most unlikely sources, even our own children. However, it comes with the territory (of parenthood)... As long as we live and love, we will be hurt. As parents we absorb as many of the bumps and bruises for and from our children as humanly possible. But that's what we're supposed to do; it's in our job description :-). While it's fine to let your daughter know that words have power, it's not okay to make her feel responsible for the pain, hurt and sadness you feel that goes beyond what she said and even what she understands. I sense that there is still much unresolved emotion around the loss of your daughter in Jan. '07. There is no time limit on the grief or sorrow you feel but they are beyond your daughter's comprehension. In time, you may well find that your family is the blessing that gives you the strength and joy to get through the most difficult and trying times. My heart aches for you and I truly hope you find healing and peace.
She probably heard it at school, and didn't really understand the strength of the words. It is not uncommon that children 'try out' new phrases on their parents first.
Your description make it clear that she was also very upset by your reaction, which is an amazing sign that you have been doing a wonderful job teaching her empathy, and to care about others. It sounds to me like she was having a bad night, and since it was bedtime was probably tired.
I also have a 5 year old who still needs help staying dry at night. We don't call them diapers, because babies wear diapers, we call them overnights (just like the box), and we make an effort to help her see that she isn't alone in this. (They wouldn't make these is no one else needed them.)
It is also possible that she is still dealing with the loss of her sister. She was old enough that she might remember what happened. Kids deals with stress, and grief very differently than adults.
She probably learned it at school. I am the same when it comes to television, Disney movies, Thomas the Tank Engine, things like that and my daughter said her cat was stupid. I asked where she learned that word and she said a friend from school. Just explain that it is inappropriate and we watchful for things that she says and if she repeatedly says inappropriate things. You may want find out if it is a particular student teaching her those things and if so to talk to her teacher. Hope this helps.
Have you discussed death with her? Does she really even know what it means? I don't think she was trying to be hurtful, but just trying to understand something that even adults can't quite figure out. If you are involved with your religion, you should involve that community, but it's time to talk about death. Seriously and with no-holds-barred. My daughter was 4 1/2 when her 13 year-old cousin was shot and killed. She knows he's dead, but even now, a year later, she very often has questions about it. I wouldn't have thought to discuss it with her yet if we had a choice.
I think you should consider that what the words mean to you are most likely different than what the words mean to her. I think many a child has this thought or even voices it but I think these words indicate a degree of being upset (similar to "I wish you were someone else's mom, would go away" etc.). Your instincts clearly were on target that something is bothering her and now the challenges are to find out what the problem is and how to help her solve it. Can you remember a time when you were upset with one of your parents that you wish that parent would leave? Maybe if you can, you could share with her that experience, how you felt, what the problem was, and how your parent(s) supported your solving it.
Hi A.,
I know what you are going through and how hurtful it has been for you hearing something harshful from your baby. Please don't take it seriously. I am confident that she has heard it from other kids at the school and she doesn't even know what that really means. I am so much worried about your daughter who knows now how much she has hurt you by saying that. I am afraid if she won't forgive herself ever throughout her life if she still sees you upset (and crying) about it. She has told you that she is sorry, so please forgive her and please try to forget all about it. She is just a little baby and doesn't know what these things realy means... Please be the same happy mom that you were before and let her to forget it too. In the future you'll know that it wasn't a big deal at all... Beleive me you will... Kids repeat many things they hear at the school... You'll hear more and different kinds of stuff when she grows older... Just know that she is already embarressed wearing a diper already, and she doen't know how to hide her feelings, so anytime you bring up that subject, she feels really bad about herself and she may think that you are mean to her. That's why she said that to you... That shows how much she feels bad about herself, specialy when she knows most of her friends at school do not have the potty problem like her. In your heart you know that she never ever means to hurt you and make you cry or see you upset like that. Please don't forget that she is learning from you to "forgive" and what a wonderful gift it is, so just let go of it... Make sure she knows it too and that you love her like before no matter what...
Love,
A. (mom of 2 teen age boys)
I felt so bad for you when I read this. My kids are older now but I remember having a similar experience when my oldest one was 5. Intellectually you know she doesn't mean it but it is so hurtful to hear from your little one who you love so much. It is definitely a developmental thing. They want to separate from you but really don't know how. In your daughter's case I'm guessing that it has something to do with her being embarrassed about the diapers. You reminded her about them and she just didn't want to deal with it. If you weren't around then she could have just gone to bed without thinking about it. It's good to help her realize that words can be hurtful like you did. You might want to try to reframe her statement for her by saying something like "You must have been really angry that I mentioned your diapers the other night for you to say what you did" and see what she says. Also, you might want to try pull-ups. They might be more tolerable emotionally than diapers and also keep reminding her that you know she'll be able to wear undies all the time when her body is ready. (We dealt with that issue as well.)
It's really hard to watch them try to separate from you but it is all very normal behavior. Now that my kids are older I hear often that they hate me, that I'm the meanest mother in the world. I just make light of it and tell them I guess I must be doing my job. Hope this makes you feel better.
Dear A.:
When my son was 6 he (out of the blue) told me he hated me and he wished HE would die. I was so upset! And he was upset and sorry when he saw that it hurt me. I found out later that he had heard another boy say that to his mother (and had consequently gotten his own way!) Kids are always hearing things from other kids (or even t.v.) and trying them out at home. Please try not to take it to heart. Three years later my son has never again said anything such thing.
Best wishes, Patty M.
Hi there,
I really empathized with you when I read this. We sound like very similar people, from what I read, we have similar daughters. I remember the pain and shock I felt when I heard, "I hate you." I don't know how to answer your question about where it came from. My thought is that it happened after an event that made her anxious (potty) and her words just reflected her own anxiety. She is only 5 and does not yet know the power and strength of words. She's just learning and after this experience, it sounds like she probably now understands more than most 5 year olds. When my daughter says things like this, we say something like, "Well, I love you." We also talk to her about how hurtful words make us and others feel but we try not to dwell on it too much because of her age, even though I want her to know how horrible it is! I do find though, that I am the only one (sometimes my husband) who she says these things to. I guess the old saying about hurting the ones you love holds true even for little ones. I would say to try and not take it so personal, as you know she didn't mean it. And remember she is young and the best example is modeling positive behavior (like I'm sure you're doing) and rather than making little ones feel terribly guilty, keep guiding them in the right direction. Hang in there. :)
Hi,
Boy...we are always so shocked when our kids come forward with something we don't want them to know quite yet and really where did they get that! You mentioned that your daughter goes to school...I would imagine that is where she learned the new phrase she used on you. I know it hurts believe me I do, my now 16 year old has said about every nasty phrase to me. I can remember thinking, my child will never say that why should she. Boy I had a lot to learn. Children learn from each other on the school ground in turn they come home and practice these new "words" with us. A lot of the time I've found i am reacting to my understanding of the phrase not my child's
wish you the best of luck>>
Hi A.,
Your request really hit home with me. My daughter just turned six, but about 4 months ago she came out with the same thing. I was giving her a bath and she was being difficult but nothing out of the ordinary and then she hauled out the I wish you were dead line. I remember having to leave the room and have my husband finish her bath while i went off and cried. My husband explained what it would be like if I were dead...nothing extreme just that I would never ever be there for her again. She too broke down sobbing when she realized the weight those words carried and apologized on her own. It was a really tough night.
I really don't think that it's anything you did wrong. I think kids at your daughters age are confused about death and the gravity of it. I know my daughter asks a lot of questions about death...just curiosity. I can tell you that after the night we had she never said it again. We never punished her or got angry with her; I think the regret she felt was enough.
Judging by your daughter's reaction I would say that you are raising a caring member of society. It sounds like she felt really awful about the situation and I'm willing to bet it won't happen again...at least not until those ugly teen years :)
I am a SAHM also with 3 kids. 5 yo boy, 4 yo girl and 10 mo old girl. My son has said some hurtful things to me before something to the comment yours made. I don't think at this age they really understand exactly what those words mean. Only somewhat. I wouldn't really take it to heart. My son has said before when he was mad at me he didn't love me anymore. I said well, I think you do. If I were to leave would you be sad? He almost started crying saying he didn't want me to leave. They just don't quite understand it fully yet I think
I think you way over reacted. Are you having a hard time in other parts of your life right now? Kids say things but it is your reaction that is most concerning to me. Good luck.
It sure is hard when they say things that feel so strong to us personally. The thing I try to remind myself is that often, what kids say isn't about me, it is about them.
You asked her, "What do you wish for right now?" Why do we assume the negative connotation of what the child says. It is hard under those circumstances to stop ourselves. You asked her. And I know it is hard, but in your story, at least, it became about how YOU felt and what YOU wished for, not about your daughter, who is clearly struggling with something that she fears letting go of her diaper at night. It is hard.
Something I try really hard to remember is instead of reacting to what a child says or how it makes ME feel is to ask them...example you could have asked her, "what do you mean by that?" or "why do you wish I would die." No offense, honestly...but in her five year old world if you died (read in a kids world: weren't there for a second maybe or something like that...not forever, there is no forever to a five year old with the concept of dying) then she may not have to confront her anxiety and struggle of whether or not to exert her own sense of strength and risk the potty diaper conflict.
A book that has helped me and continues to help me immensely is Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey, PhD.
It has helped me a great deal to maintain perspective.
Respectfully, I hear you saying, basically her remarks triggered a huge emotional reaction in you. What being dead means to you and what it means to her are two different things entirely. You assumed she insulted you. WHo will ever know what she really meant? When my son's or another child's behavior triggers such a reaction in me I have to ask myself why...what is MY issue that I would react, vs respond. I hear you describing a kid who was in conflict and anxious honestly answering your question. She didn't come out and give you and unsolicited insult. She answered your question. It became about helping you get through it instead of addressing HER needs. I fear when we react like that to our kids honest answers they learn not to tell us, because we can't handle it or it creates more conflict than they already had. And then they feel ashamed about that too.
Again, I mean only to honestly answer the question you put out there. May be hard to hear this reply. I mean no disrespect. Only wishing you and your daughter a deeply healthy relationship. You need a new perspective.
Best of luck.
This IS complicated, but I have a very strong intuition that this "out of the blue" wish for your demise was not intended to hurt you, and that your 5-year-old is trying to reconcile still being alive with your loss of your "angel baby". No one is sure, on this side of death, what becomes of an anticipated, stillborn baby, and your older child may be trying to do what's right for "her" baby. I watched my nephew grow up sad and confused after his first baby sister died after 7 profoundly impaired months (her brain was undeveloped, and while he was told "his" baby was fine, in Heaven, innocent, and happy, he saw his parents' grief and just about tore himself up trying to put his world together.
From your description of this child, and her reaction to hurting you, that was not her intention.
My actual suggestion is to speak candidly with this little person, your firstborn, your surrogate mother, about the loss of your littlest. Although I do firmly believe that every innocent soul is saved right to God, its loss does leave survivors with a lot of emotions, and 3- and 5-year-olds are not exceptions. It seems to me that this is a vocabulary problem and a conceptual problem much, much more than a moral one. Good luck with all you do, and thank you for raising and caring for your precious little one, and taking the job seriously.
from N. P.
I am going to be short and sweet and say that she more than likely heard it somewhere else. Tv or another child or person and just repeated it. It sounds as though she did not realize the impact of what it meant and although it hurt you alot I would not make it into this big thing.
You explained to her what it meant and how it made you feel.
I suggest not holding it over her head. It could make matters worse.
If she is a typically normal, loving child, I am confident she will not be doing or saying these things often.
Big hugs
I think the first step is just to take a deep breath and let it go. I think your daughter was probably angry and frustrated and took it out on you--won't be the last time. I'm sure she didn't mean it and I doubt she even understood it. It sounds like you did a great job getting her to understand words have power and they do hurt. It is impossible to know where she picked it up. Despite our best efforts, our kids don't grow up in a vacuum. I would try to stay focused on her sadness at having hurt you. She obviously loves you with her entire little heart and that is what matters. We all make mistakes and say things we regret, it's just hard when you watch your child do it for the first time.
It's important to keep perspective. Most 5 yr olds, mine included, haven't the foggiest idea what death really is. Even when they lose a grandparent or a pet it's still pretty foggy. My 5 yr old still talks about when her grandmother's dead cat is coming back. No matter how many times we explain the concept she still doesn't quite get it, and that's OK.
She told me she wished I would die soon when she was 4. Then she could go stay with the neighbors (a favorite playdate) she thought. I shrugged it off, told her I wasn't planning to die for a long time and she still couldn't play at the neighbors until the next day.
I think that it's important not to react too much to the things they try on. Now she knows that if she wants to hurt you by saying dismissive, thoughtless things she can. And it will work. You know in your heart your child loves you and that's what matters. She will probably, over the course of growing up, also tell you that she hates you--I think it's pretty common for kids to haul that one out when they're angry. You need to be ready not to over-react when they do and to remember that you are the adult and she is a child learning how to deal with anger, frustration, etc who will lash out--probably at you.This doesn't mean that they are bad or that you've done something wrong as a parent and you need to try not to take it personally. It's the emotional equivalent of a toddler having a tantrum and hitting you because they're upset. You don't take it personally and cry but let them know that hurtful behavior (or words) are unacceptable, and continue parenting.
Another time if she says she wishes someone would die you could use it as an opportunity to discuss what she thinks *die* means and how she would feel if a friend said this to her. But first I would appologize to her for over-reacting. Let her know you were surprised when she said it but that you know she didn't mean it so she's not afraid that saying something might provoke the same unexpected response again.
She needs you to be secure, loving, and strong enough to withstand her flashes of frustration and anger without feeling personally assaulted.
Good luck and hugs--parenting is no easy task!
