Age 4 has been a rough one. My son is very bright, logical and articulate and so every.single.thing is a debate. We're working hard on listening / obedience bc there have been a few issues where his safety was compromised bc he did not choose to obey us. We have talked often about the fact that there are some things we can talk about and decide together, but there are other times where he has to trust us, obey what we ask, and let it go. I do feel like we have been successful in balancing the approach, but it's still an issue every day. I'm wiped.
So, he is very passionate and gets a singular focus about what he wants. It gets super intense sometimes, ESPECIALLY if he has not had a nap (which he seems to be outgrowing, but then will totally meltdown later). The last few tantrums he had, he screamed at the very top of his lungs. It was ear-splitting and I know my neighbors could hear it. I panicked and put my hand over his mouth (not his nose too) to quiet him.This happened three more times. I truly felt there was nothing else I could do - he was beyond reason and I felt like my neighbors would call the cops or something!! Later, I felt terrible about doing it, but explained to him that I cannot let him scream like that. Things resolved well with conversation and cuddles, but I'm already dreading the next time.
So my question is...have you done that (hand over their mouth when they scream that loudly)? Is there anything wrong with it? Is there a better way to manage this? I'm beside myself and exhausted...this has been pretty constant lately.
Thanks so much for your thoughts.
ETA: I've sent him to his room. He screamed at the top of his lungs and continued for 10+ minutes. He flips out and screams when I start to leave, but then fights me when I try to hold him to comfort him. Are you guys saying that you were ok letting your lo scream that intensely - in full earshot of the neighborhood - for as long as they wanted in their rooms? Just want to understand...
My daughter screamed at the top of her lungs only one time. That one time I told her she was giving me a headache and put her outside on the back patio. I told her to come in when she could control herself. (It took her less than a minute to calm herself) She never screamed like that again.
Get the book 1,2,3 magic. You just need to get the control back. It's a battle and he is winning.
Never did the hand over the mouth.
We've sent our son to his room and told him he can come out when he's finished.
How long that takes is up to him.
My autistic granddaughter had an all-out screaming fit at my house one time. I too was sure the neighbors could hear so I went outside. That way the neighbors could see that I was not in the house and not doing anything to her and if someone called the cops, I also wanted them to see for themselves that I was outside and she was in there just having a holy fit.
I do have to say that the situation you are describing is exactly why I do not attempt to explain myself/negotiate with children that young. They just need to do what grandma tells them the first time; we can go to explanations and discussions later when they are older, but for kids your son's age the explanation is "because I said" period. No discussion; no negotiations; no exhaustion!
Yes. Send him to his room and give him very little attention for his behaviour. Stay very calm, do not try to talk to him or reason with him beyond "Go to your room. You may come out when you are done and I will talk to you then."
When I was a kid I remember my mother used to send me to the basement when I was crying and carrying on because she was worried about the neighbours hearing me. Do you have a basement?
My oldest was like this.
He was sent for a time out in his room EVERY SINGLE TIME.
I even 'flipped' the lock to keep him there.
He is now a (promotable) captain in the army...looking at law school.
His argumentative nature, while 'managed' as a kiddo, has served him well!!
Hello! I was drawn to your post title because my 4 yo son is out of control right now (I'm 9 months preggo, so it's just about to get worse...that's another conversation). Anyway, he will scream a lot, and I do just let him do it in his room. I actually don't claim to know much about raising my own son, as I am going crazy trying to figure out what to do with him. But I was a behavioral therapist for 3 years and ignoring a behavior to put it on what they call "extinction" is actually a really good method for getting kids to stop doing stuff you don't like. Typically if they are misbehaving over and over again, it's because they are getting something reinforcing out of whatever you are doing as a reaction. Even if it's taking away privileges, yelling, time out, etc. and it seems counter-intuitive - if he keeps screaming and you keep covering his mouth, he might like the attention from you and do it again. I recommend putting him in his room and ignoring until he is done. Then give him positive attention when he stops. I hope it works!
Talk to your neighbors and let them know he's going through a stage and that you promise he's fine.
Then let him have his temper tantrums as much as he wants as long as he stays in his bedroom.
