My 4.5 year old daugher has developed a serious case of Mommy-itis over the last month. She has to know where I am at all times, and cries for me if at (daycare, aunties, wherever). I should preface this with the fact that I am a working professional mother and travel for work on a consistent basis. This has been the case her whole life.. when she was younger the crying would happen when I dropped her off at daycare, but she seemed to have grown out of it. To top it off, she is constantly fighting for control, if we make a right turn, she insists we go left... the "opposite rule" is how my husband refers to this behavior. She used to be a happy go-lucky little girl, but lately not so much... We've tried sending her to her room when the control crabbing happens and she whines/cries, but it doesn't seem to be effective. Last night for the 1st time ever she went to bed without dinner! I feel terrible, but don't know what to do with the crab monster who is constantly whining, crabbing, etc. When does the fight for control end? Is this normal? I need to add I do dedicate special time with her, last week took day off from work to spend with her ( we went shiopping for new clothes for her , the park, and out to lunch) and this week her Daddy spent a day home from work with her. My husband has a consistent schedule that has her home by 4, and I work from home when not traveling and she goes to daycare between 9-930. We spend lots of quality one one one time.
Thank you to all for letting me "crab". :) Your insight has been helpful. We started restating her requests to her so she has been heard and reminding her of the fun she'll miss if it doens't come to an end. There's been some improvement. I am going to try the stop light version as well. Wish us luck! Thanks again.
Take her to a therapist. Maybe she needs to get her feelings out and that is the only way she can express them:) Or crying out for attention.
Hello!
This honestly sounds normal to me. She is at an age where she's finally able to express herself verbally and she likes seeing what happens when she does. It sounds like you do a great job of carving out time for her, so when she knows you're about to go, she expresses her opinion to see what will happen. She may do so in a whiny voice because she's four, but behind that whine is a valid opinion. We crack down on whining around here also, but my first step is always to repeat my son's opinion for him in my adult voice. He is happy to know that I'm actually listening to him and that I "get" what he's saying.
At that point I try to use "first, then" statements. Mommy has to leave, he doesn't want me to, so I say Mommy will go to rehearsal first, then come home to do your puzzle with you. He is VERY used to hearing these from me and it's been a lifesaver. He knows I've heard him, he knows I'm still making the choice to leave, but that he will get his way soon. If he's too tired to deal with that and keeps whining/crying, then he is told to lay down in bed. That nips it in the bud because he knows I MEAN it and will put him in bed! :-)
As for the opposites, that is just a phase. Some are hilarious! The other day I said my daughter was upset and my son said, "No, she's down set!!" I said it was raining too hard to go outside and he said, "No, it's raining too easy!" Just be glad that she knows her opposites and ignore this for the most part!
Let go of the guilt about her not eating dinner. She won't starve and if she was hungry, she would have eaten. That is the least of your worries.
Best of luck to you - this won't go away overnight and a good deal of it is just normal behavior, but hopefully you can gain a bit more control over it.
It is possible it is just a phase, she is 4.5 old enough to talk to. Have a chat with her ask her what is bothering her and how the two of you can solve this.
Sounds like she needs more Mommy and me time... she seems to be acting out because she's not getting enough of your time.
hi, I agree with everything Keri W. said. Also, I learned when my daughter was that age that it is important to give her choices sometimes so she gets to feel some sort of control. It's good practice for learning how to make decisions. Be sure top limit the choices though, as in, "do you want to wear the pink outfit or the blue outfit?" If she gets to choose, she's less likely to crab.
My son goes through periods like this and it is usually within a couple weeks of his birthday and of his half birthday. Try "love flooding". When she gets super whiny or clingy:
"You seem like you need some extra love and hugs. Let's snuggle together before I start making dinner." Don't make the extra love and attention contingent on any "good" behavior. Kids aren't very good at recognizing when they are stressed out and they have an even harder time identifying the reasons and the behaviors that might result from their stress. As she gets used to the extra snuggling time, then look for calm times to discuss how she feels inside when she gets clingy and whiny. Help her start to put words to those feelings and then help her find more direct and positive ways to express what she wants and needs.
In terms of her always wanting to be in control...my son is like this. At 4.5 yo we had to set up a system of red, yellow, and green lights. Green light issues were ones where he got to make the whole decision within a set of choices (what to wear, what to eat, what game to play, order to complete chores, etc), yellow light issues were ones where he could have some input in the decision making process but mom/dad made the final choice (groceries to buy, meal planning, activities for the weekend, etc.), and red light issues were things that not open for discussion (anything safety related, what time to go to school, etc. )
This is yet another fun phase of having little girls. Just be really matter-of-fact with her and she will quit sooner rather than later. When my daughters were young I would just say "We do not whine at this house" and when they could ask in a normal voice we would listen. My sister did daycare for many years and some kids just have to crab a lot more than others. She had the "crabby corner" and if they insisted on continuing they would go there to crab. It was amazing how quickly they quit. Some of the kids would say "I feel crabby" and go to that corner all by themselves just the same as I maybe go to the gym when I get mad or need space. You maybe need to teach her how to get control of herself, maybe with a special place for her to go and think, not as a punishment but as a relaxing thing. Girls can be difficult. I certainly don't think she has any issues you need to really worry about. The fighting for control thing is just how girls are in my opinion. Five year-olds are little teenagers, have fun!
