4 Yr Old Son's Behaviour and Changes in His Life...

Stop arguing with him and play. So when he says it's cold out, remind him to get his coat, or tell him it will be too cold for an ice cream later. Don't argue with him, let him make believe. 4's play with reality. They also are like teenagers, oppositional in exerting their independence.

If I was you, I'd increase floor play time with him, give him lots of extra cuddles and stop arguing.

When my daughter whines or sasses, I remind her that that isn't how we communicate. She quickly changes her tune to get what she wants. Outright defiance gets a TO, fighting TOs get a consequence like no videos or computer time. Her whining and sass has mostly stopped since I started being consistent about how we talk to people, etc.

Wow - sometimes discipline just isn't the right thing at the time. This is a really young child who is going through a lot. Yikes. Illness of a parent is VERY stressful on children. You're gone a lot of the time - he can't understand & internalize that. Your hsuband is sick from the cancer treatments, there's the stressful emotions around the house (no matter how much you try your worries and stress "ooze" out all over the house) and then to really toss him into a tailspin - his papa dies. Oh my goodness.

First of all separate the big stuff from all the rest. Who cares if he wants to be 6? It so does not matter. He's really sad, unhappy and doesn't understand life so he knows he doesn't want to be 4. Let him "be six" if he wants to. And the arguing about the temperature - another "who cares". If he wants to call it cold outside let him. Maybe he just wants to engage you in conversation - becuase getting some attention is better than none. The school stuff is bigger but still not huge yet. But if this is how he's getting attention fromt the adults around him, he's going to continue it. Who are he little creeps he's hangin out with who are taking money from the teachers bag? At age 4?

Having spent the last 7 years dealing with my mom's ovarian cancer, surgery, chemo, etc I can relate to how draining it is to spend so much time in doctor's offices, and nursing the patient. My kids have grown up doing their homework in doctor's offices and grandparents' hospital rooms. A few years ago we lost my father in law - who my kids adored. My daughter who was in 7th grade, and "old enough" to understand really took an emotional dive. Stress affects kids differently than it affects adults - and you have all had a lot of stress this year. your son just needs you. He wants your time and love - and you're feeling pulled in so many directions and you also need to deal with your own grief and stress with your husband's illness.
Let the house go for now. the living room can be vacuumed another day. Instead sit on the floor with your son and play legos, or blocks. Sit with him every night and read a coupld of books. Cuddle on the couch with the TV off and ask him silly questions ("if you were a king what would you name your horse?" "if you could have anything for dinner what would it be?"). Have a picnic on the living room floor, toast marshmallows over a fire in the back yard, or the kitchen stove. Just "waste" time with your boy and plan to do so for an hour every coupld of days. It may be jsut what you both need to relieve some stress and emotions. And if you both want to cry about missing papa - do that too. Life is short - yoru boy will be grown up before you know it and there will be more doctor's appts in the years to come - so grab all the small moments that you can. I expect you'll see your little boy begin to turn around. he'll blossom with the sunshine & water of moma's love.

He's a little guy with a lot of stress ... Acknowledge how he feels and try to give him the words for it, but let him know he can't act that way. We use the words "I know you're mad, but screaming like this is not ok.". Then depending on where you are and the offense, give him another action instead ... Tearing paper, popping bubble wrap, hitting pillows, bouncing a ball .... All things that can help him focus his anger and hurt in more positive ways.

Right now, he's anxious and upset and hurt and has NO IDEA what to do about any of it. All the grown ups he depends on and loves are busy, sick, or have passed away .... Wow. That's hard when your 40+, let alone 4. Try to be patient and give him more focused attention.

Aww hun, he has been through too much. He needs a therapist. Not like the nutty kind, the kind that work with kids and help them articulate their feelings. He just has so many of them he doesn't know how to say it so he is just going with what feels better.

Actually, I think you should sit him down and tell him just that. You understand that he's going through a lot and you sympathize with him BUT that is NOT an excuse for bad behavior. Sometimes kids themselves don't realize what they're doing until someone brings it to their attention.

Tell him you love him and give him a lot of cuddle time; his world has been devastated and he senses how worried you are about your hubby and that causes a lot of anxiety for him. Acknowledge that to him, but also make it clear that while you understand, you can't allow him to use it as an excuse to misbehave.

As for the baby talk, I think he's just trying to go back to a time when things were good - before grandpa passed and daddy got so sick. I wouldn't worry about a baby talk tone, but I would put a stop to the grunting. I simply would not acknowledge him when he does that.

I am so sorry for all of your misfortune and I pray that your hubby will get better!

I am so sorry that you BOTH are going through all this. Hugs to you and your family.
That is a lot of really big change going on in his life. He is probably very confused. He is only 4 and things like death and illness just dont make total sense to him yet. They dont understand the permanance of death, and they equate being sick to what they know about being sick - which is having a cold and runny nose. He most likely does not understand the seriousness of his Dad's illness. All he knows is that all of the sudden, Dad is sick and not home as much, Mom is sad and not home as much and Papa had died which he does not totally understand except that he is not around anymore. Kids need stability and routine as much as possible, and while it is natural and understandable that your routine has changed out of necessity, it is still hard for him to adjust.
My advice would be to spend as much time as possible with him just playing. Try to map out a schedule as best as you can and give him daily reminders of what will happen tomorrow or next week so he knows what to expect. And pick your battles on the discipline right now. My almost 4 year old will often tell me something that is untrue and if I challenge it sometimes he gets upset or sometimes he just says "I am pretending to be 6". Pretending is good for him so just acknowledge its pretend and go with it. Maybe ask, well since you are 6 now, what do 6 year olds do? What toys do 6 year olds play with? He may even open up some clues for you as to why he is pretending to be 6 at the moment.
And I agree that with all this going on it absolutly would be a good idea to seek some professional advise. If not for him directly, for you on how to help guide him through all this.
And give him so many hugs. Can't ever have too many hugs. :0) So sorry you are dealing with all this. Prayers for you.

Awww, poor kid! Some of what you describe sounds totally normal for a 4 yr old and some not. He's had a lot of really tough changes, as have you and your whole family. His whole world is changing on him, and his body and skills are changing on him, too. He may be experiencing separation issues, attachment issues or other just general anxieties. Have you considered talking to a play therapist to help him worth through some of the scary and stressful changes going on? Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with him, just that he might benefit from an extra shoulder to lean on right now.

You are all going through a lot. Hugs to you all.

I would focus on the suggestions of the other parents here to focus on positive (not discipline).

In addition, if you have not already, I would ask the hospital for some social services contacts and see if you can find a child therapist who can do some play therapy with him, and do some sessions with you, and dad if he's up to it, to give you some help and pointers. Don't view getting professional help as a "failure" -- if your care is broken and you're not sure how to fix it, you go to a professional (mechanic); if you need help to help your son with these changes in his life, please seek a professional who can assist you. I bet a few sessions with a good play therapist will hep you all out a lot. And going to one doesn't mean there's something _wrong_ with him--it just means you need a little extra help to help him.

I'm betting there are at least some free or low cost services available via social services, so contact a social worker at the hospital to start.

I enjoyed reading Dr. Kevin Lehman books.

http://www.christianbook.com/making-children-without-losi...

http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/easy_find/13...

It sounds like there is a lot going on and he doesn't quite understand why things have changed for him.

Rewards of things my child wanted to helped my child learn to behave. For instance if he wanted a popcycle, I was asked to help delay his demand. Say in one minute I will get up and get a popcycle, but you have to sit there or you have to wait just a minute. He will one fuss and demand NOW! or he will comply and reciece his reward.
The school did use GREEN LIGHT RED LIGHT chart. If my son could behave from start of school till 1st recess he got to go to the office and make a happy face in the green light row, if he made bad choices then he had to make a sad faace in the red light chart. Then from recess to lunch and so on until the day was over. At the end of the week he was rewarded with a oppertunity into the treasure box.

At times we have used "alone time" for bad behavior. We have also taught our child to breathe deeply and blow out his mouth to calm down when things didn't go his way.

Some of the things we have used, " that is too bad you don't get dessert after dinner because you took money out your teachers purse. You really should have made a better choice" Basically throughing the responsiblity back to the child at their level of understanding.

I love the concepts of Love and Logic http://www.loveandlogic.com/
there is help out there. good luck to ya.

Ohhhhhhwww, girl... I am soooo very sorry for you and for your son. There are so many changes, and SOOO many things that are out of his control that his behavior is really all jsut related to his trying to assert control in his life - even if its demanding things like a bogus age and getting you to agree. That on top of the fact that he's 4 and needing to learn assertion for himself anyway.

I suggest just playing the 'game' of 'ok, today you're SIX!!' and be done w/ it. 'Ok, it's COLD!! Brrrrr!!' and don't argue. I've got a 5yr old that is arguemntative - personality, not situational - and I've learned that confronting on things like this jsut escalates it - for her AND for me. <Learn the lesson, self!> ;)

I woudl suggest you try to give him things that HE can be the 'boss' of - like what to eat, what to wear, etc. Ask his opinion of small decisions you make - make him be a leader of sorts, so that he doesn't feel so out of control, so marginalized. He is scared still - grampa died, daddy is sick and mommy is gone a lot.. Just imagine his depth of fear!! Children often revert to baby talk, and even loosing potty skills when a new baby is brought into the house - imagine the comparative chaos going on in HIS life (and yours, not trying to minimize that at all :) Big hugs to you for your struggle..)

Prayers prayers prayers and may God bless you and your family in your journey. These are pilgrim days.

J