4 Yo Son Is Very Defiant

My 5 year old daughter threw fits (still does at times) and putting her in time out just made the fit worse. Now I just tell her that I don't want to hear it and for her to go to her room until she's done. Usually she prefers to say with me so the fit stops quickly. If she doesn't talk nice then she starts to lose privileges like walking to the local drug store for a treat, or watering plants, or whatever she likes to help me with. Again, she doesn't want to miss out on something so usually straightens up pretty quickly.

Good Luck!
J.

Your four year old is really wonderful too. Let me tell you something I recently figured out about my 4 year old son...My husband is a firefighter and he is gone 12 days out of the month for 24 hours. Your son just misses his father and is acting out on you. Make sure he realizes that this isn't permanent. Daddy will be home soon. If not, make sure he knows that his father loves him. Tell him over and over....7-8 times a day if it takes that. When he acts out and calls you names tell him you both love him and will be together soon.

Bad routine, bad cycle, bad habits. It is time to take control and put your foot down. The punishing has to stop, little boy needs some serious mommy time. He needs to know how much you STILL love him and that he is appreciated and is an important part of the family. He is 4 so there is still time for some , say, helping mom in the kitchen, or when you go grocery shopping, just take him along and no one else, let him help with the yard work and then give him some added extra praise, tell him how smart he is and what a good boy he is. He will respond to it, and be happier.

I have to admit that I have not read the supernanny book, but I do watch the show on tv. I'm inclined to recommend the book because so many of the behaviors you have mentioned I have seen with children on the show. I think that Jo has a very gentle method for getting peace back in these homes. But, it is a show made for television, and I'm thinking that not ALL the details of how to accomplish this or that are included in the show. I would think the book is more thorough. The Toddler Whisperer methods might help too. I hope one of these things will help with your situation. My 4 year old can develop some bad habits that I have to crack down on even after 1 night at a very permitting grandparent. It is so hard to be tough and consistent, especially when the child is going through some transition too like a move. The payoff is worth it though.

4 year old are acutally people, which means they can talk to you about what they are thinking and feeling. I would sit down with him, tell him how much you love him, and that you want to know why he is making those noises. Tell him it makes you sad when he does that and ask him what is making him sad. If he talks to you, great. If not, make sure that you are depriving him of something he cares about. Only you know what that is. Good luck with this, and I hope that you figure it out.

COuld he be wanting attention due to the changes in his life? Could he be concerned over what is happening and scared and acting out to test the new limits? If your husband was there, would he do the same things around him or is he just pushing you?

Does he have a daily structure and a place to feel safe? The new place may be scary or the daycare too new or the new influences in his life may do some of these things he is picking up. Look at the world from his eyes.

One thing that we all need to remember at times is that our children are constant sponges...they soak in information, attitudes, etc all the time from all different areas of their lives. I would focus on where your child has learned this behavior; even just the tone of his behavior, and try to adjust that. I often hear my own "voice" coming back at me when my daughter is talking back. I've discovered that if I change my tone with her and adjust my words, then she responds differently to me.

I just wrote to another mom about this. You may want to investigate two things and see if either of these match your son:
1. Sensory Integration Disorder
2. Oppositional Defiant Disorder

Look up these two things on the internet, but don't get freaked out. Sometimes it starts in the brain and doesn't have much to do with your parenting style. You have to find the source of the problem to make changes.
Good luck,
M.

If you are trying to control a defiant child and need some help I would recommend looking into a child behavior modification program.

http://www.thetotaltransformation.com

I reccommend the book "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" by Becky Bailey. It's a wonderful way to teach children to WANT to behave. You don't want your son in the naughty corner his entire childhood. I feel so fortunate to have had this discipline approach reccommended to me. Good luck to you.

S.- I can totally relate to your situation. My 4 year old has been very defiant, throwing fits, not listening, bedtime problems.... you name it. I tend to think its just a phase. Time outs only work sometimes for us and we do the same thing..... after time out we ask what he did wrong and then tell him we love him. Has the problem been there or just since you moved? I wonder if he is just venting frustration not having his dad around. Our issue started when I started watching daycare kids. It was fine at 1st but now are very defiant and I sometimes think its because he is not getting all the attention anymore. Is your 4 year old in a preschool or anything. Mine just started and although we throw fits to get there, we have noticed some positive changes in him. I can't say I have any great advice except to hang in there and that you are not the only one going through this.

i have a four year old, and when he comes back from his bio moms house he is pretty terrible. we have full custody of him so she allows him to do as he pleases and it takes me a week to get him back to normal when he comes back home.

i have found that giving him somthing to do on a sched. he has chores and he does homework from workbooks i buy for his age. keeps him busy and helps him stay out of trouble. a lot of it has to do with kids at that age are bored..... and have so much stuff going through their head and they are so young it gets fustrating trying to express themselves.....

when he gets in trouble i let him stand facing the wall and he can wail and scream and whatever he wants. but the key is to ignore him and don't break down just cause its annoying or you just want some peace in the house. and whatever punishment you try don't let it end just cause you are tired of listening to him.......... he will get tired real quick and soon learn that you aren't gonna take it anymore, and you aren't gonna listen to him till he calms down...you are the parent here, you are the one that should be in control. not the kids. once you let the kids know that they have a slight hint of control you have lost.......find something that works and stick with it. you will have a horrible life if you allow this child to run your life. you are the one raising him to be a respectable adult in society..... don't be like most of these parents now days, be strict with him and later on in life he will thank you. however he is reflects on your parenting skills.........

Hi S.,

One thing you may want to update your posting with is how long has your son had this behavior? Did it begin as a toddler, like in the 1 to 2 year old range? It's possible he could have a Spectrum Disorder, or Developmental Delay. Being a teacher, you probably know all about it. Run a Google search under both titles and see if any of your son's behaviors coincide. It could also be perseveration issues. Run a Google search using "perseveration in children".

If anything you read sounds like your son, make an appointment with your son's Pediatrician. Unfortunately, I know "perseveration" all too well.

Please update to let us know what you find out.

Good luck to you!

CONSISTENCY IS KEY!!! You can do all of the punishments in the world, threaten until you are blue in the face, but you HAVE to follow through everytime!

He might just be stronger willed than your other child, each one is different. If he doesn't have these issues with other family members, preschool teachers, ect...It is not a behavioral (medical) issue, it's a mommy issue. I know we get the blame for everything, but they know who they can work and who they can't. Take control, you can do it. You aren't doing him any favors by not getting it under control and I am sure your nerves are shot too. Nothing you didn't already know, you just have to dig deep to find the strength to get him there.
Good Luck and God Bless!!

Hi S.. I would wager he's experiencing anxiety about moving particularly the fact that mom and dad aren't togethor right now. Children manifest their fears in much different ways than we do and most often it is in the form of acting out and attention seeking behavior. I would suggest talk to your pediatrician. She/he may refer you to a child psychologist. Don't let that scare you, most kids just need a session or two to get it all sorted out if it's just related to a move. Good luck!

He's probably acting out because of the stress of being away from your DH. His whole world has turned upside down and although it's only temporary, his mind can't grasp the difference between that and forever. I have gone through a lot of the same stuff with my 4 y/o daughter because i divorced my ex husband a year ago and remaried 6 months later. ( The divorce lasted almost 2 years) When Kim gets like that I usually first reassure her that I love her...and then i walk away and leave her alone. I don't let her rile me up or control me. lots of times it is a control issue because tehy have lost control over some part of thier lives.

Unfortunately, he seems to be testing you to see what he can get away with and it seems like he has been getting away with a lot of bad behaviors. It's going to get worse unless YOU make changes and STICK TO them. Children need predictibility and consistency. Why shouldn't he misbehave when there may not be a punishment?

Start with something easy. He is at the age where he can understand rules and consequences so tell him what is expected and what will happen when he does not do what is expected. You can even role play for fun. When he seems to 'get it' move on to another rule...

You may also want to try '1,2,3 Magic'. I have used it in an educational setting and it has been very successful. There are both a book and a video (for purchase and also at the library). It will also tell you about consistency-for you and for all the disciplinarians in your home.