My 4 yr old has always had seperation issues. He started pre-K this year and did fine at first, but then his anxiety got to the point where he was screaming in sheer terror and continued to do so for up to 30 min after Ieft (until they called me to come get him). The preschool encouraged me to just leave, and I did, but it only made things worse. It got to the point where I had to pull him out of preschool. Now he's afraid to do anything away from me. When we're home, he's constantly checking to see where I am. He is shy too. But once he warms up, he is fun to be with and outgoing within a group of peers. He is often even the leader.
I already contacted a therapist and am hoping to get in soon, but I'm curious is anyone else has been through this. He starts Kindergarten next year adn I worry that he won't be ready. I am considering holding him back. His birthday is Feb so if I hold him back he'll be 6.5 when he starts Kindergarten.
For those who have been thru this, what did therapist do to help? How did your child do in Kindergarten?
I'm really concerned!
I wanted to update this, in case other moms are going through the same thing. My son is just finishing up Kindergarten. The first two weeks he had a bit of seperation anxiety, but I hardly remember that now. He has loved school for almost the entire year. He has grown both socially and academically and his teacher says he is a great role model for other students. He is also in soccer and has been MVP scoring at least one goal each game. He is confident and thriving. I guess it was just a phase!
My friends' 3 year old did this exact same thing. Then he stopped one day without much help. No one can explain it. She switched to a different school after taking a couple of months off. He acted no better then he just started liking school out of the blue after a couple of weeks. It worried her especially when people told her he is too old to act this way and he should have stopped by now. He is not the only one who does this.
I know some kids just experience anxiety at this level, and can absolutely grow out of it before you know it -- it's entirely possible that he will indeed be ready for kindergarten. Let me add two points to what the others have said:
Being older at kindergarten is not a big deal. There are plenty of boys who take longer to get used to school, and every year at our school there are a handful who repeat with success. Plenty of kindergarten teachers wish the age cut-off was tighter (like sept 1 instead of december birthdays) for just that reason. Very typical.
Also, consider the possibility that something happened at the school to frighten or bother him. My cousin's son had a troubling experience when he had wandered off or was left behind at the playground for 30 minutes or something he and he was terrified after that. It could even be something that the teachers don't mention because it's relatively innocuous or they didn't even register what was going on. Perhaps get him drawing pictures of school, if he can better describe what it's like for him there you may get some answers.
I haven't had any first hand experience with this, but I know others that have. Have you spoken to him about why he doesn't want you to leave? There might be an underlying fear or issue that needs to be addressed. Even at 4 he should be able to give you some sort of idea why he's so afraid for you to leave. Maybe take him out to lunch and talk about it there. Talk about how school is a safe place and yes, it can be scary, but it's also fun. It might take a LOT of hyping school on your part. Get REALLY excited when you talk about school. Your attitude goes a LONG way. Or maybe try to leave him with a friend or family member while you go out to lunch or do some shopping. At first, just for 30 minutes, then when he's comfortable with that, bump it up to an hour, and so on.
Before you leave him, even if it's just to go take a shower or do the dishes, make sure you tell him EXACTLY what's going on. You might even want to consider getting a timer. Say "Mommy's going to go do the dishes. I'll set this timer and when it dings, I'll come right back. While I'm busy, you play in the living room with your toys." That might give him a tangible sense of when you're coming back.
Personally, I think holding him back a year isn't going to do either of you any good. I think a therapist is a really good idea. They will be able to give you some more solutions to the issue.
Good luck!
I have been through this but not to your extent. My son was always ok after a while at preschool. But he cried every day for the 3 yr program and halfway through the 4 yr and then one day stopped and was perfectly fine. He had a relapse for a week in Kindergarten and then was fine. He never felt the need to follow me around the house though.
Can you add some "play therapy" where he and you act out the person being left somewhere and also the person leaving. Let him explore his feelings and act out whatever comes to mind. Play is where kids think through things and try out different scenarios, not necessarily where they need to be taught what is the "right" way to do something. I can think of more than one play session where my kids did and said things that were very unacceptable, but they were contained within the play situation and never came out during real-life situations.
My son acted like this when he didn't feel comfortable with the teacher (incidentally, I didn't like her either. It turns out she was fired a few weeks later) I pulled him out of one program and put him in another one. The teacher was great and he did well. It happened again in kindergarten---and said teacher was again fired. However, now I am home schooling because he is just too sensitive to the emotions of the people around him.
J.
it's hard to say what prompted this (4 year olds are somewhat articulate but not always enough to dig into their psyches) but the fact is that it's real to your son. i wouldn't make him tough this out. let him really know that you are there, that you're not going anywhere, that he's safe. hopefully the therapist can give you some concrete tools to work through this effectively, but i don't think cold turkey is appropriate for a little who's this anxious.
but if he starts kindergarten 'late' that's okay. it's not 'holding a child back' to allow them to proceed at their own pace. don't feel pressured. do what your own unique precious individual child needs.
good luck!
khairete
S.
I have a 5 year old with anxiety as well. She was doing horrible at her babysitters so we had to take her away. But, I think she just didn't like the sitter. My daughter just started preschool and was having anxiety. She didn't want to go at first, was having tummy aches as well. But what I was told was that pulling them out and keeping them home may actually hurt them. You are showing them its OK to just quit, which makes the situation worse But, I am not a doctor. I think you contacting a therapist is a step in the right direction. My daughter is very clingy with me too. I try to stay firm with her though. She doesn't like doing things without me either. But, she needs to realize that mommy needs alone time, too. So we try to talk to her to understand this.
I think the best thing you can keep working on is trying to get him to socialize with people/kids other than yourself. That is what I am trying to do with mine right now. I hope it gets better for you!
My neice was like that because she was adopted at age 4. My sister did wind up quitting her job to be there but not all of us can afford that. Instead what I would do is the therapist. This is a coomon problem. For some reason they feel insecure. You need someone to get to the root of ths problem and yank it out. Question. Is he an only child? It also sounds like he wasn't in day care. My son has been with the same sitter since he was 3 months old and he will be 5 in December. No seperation problems but I think it's because he spends his days at the sitter with other children and goes to preschool. What I'm getting at is to remember to schedule play dates. This is a fear issue and exposure will help in baby steps. Hang in there honey!
