4 Year Old Trying My Patience" HELP"

Its the age.

The book, "Have A New Kid By Friday" by Leman is real good. Not derogatory at all and good practical tips.

And yes, he may very well be very frustrated... and stressed... due to his sister.
Its tiring for an adult... and more so for a young child.
MUCH more so.
Kids... ALWAYS feel the "vibes" of what is going on in the home or with their parents... they know... they feel it.... BUT they are so young and do NOT have "coping skills" developed.
He needs 'comforting'... which is different from just "attention."

Teach him its "okay" to have feelings and even happy or bad moods. But help him, as a "TEAM" to work it out. That is what I do with my son... he is very expressive and articulate... but he likes when we work as a "team" about his feelings or frustrations.

Sometimes when my son is like that... I just scoop him up and put him on my lap and just hug him. I tell him, "I know, some days its hard... but I know you are a good boy and I love you...."

My son, just recently made 4... and he is the same way... but previously when younger, he was SO angelic. Har, har.

all the best,
Susan

Hi S.,

He is trying to get your attention, even if it's bad, as I'm sure you know. I suggest you set firm rules and set consequences for those rules. Rules for a child is like a security blanket wrapped tightly around your child. When you enforce rules you remind your child you love him enough to care.

Next EVERY time you see your son do what you want or expect, praise and express your appreciation. You want to encourage the good behavior, and as we all know, we react better when we have encouragement! Once your son starts realizing he will get MORE attention doing good, he will start being good.

This will take a while, but I know it will work for you.

I hope your daughter is better soon.

R. Magby

I'll add my two cents to Mary's and also say that four year olds do this. It's a developmental thing where they threaten & posture all over the place. Don't take what they say literally, or you will have looong days. Take a minute and find the meaning behind the words and then rephrase it into something polite. (You don't necessarily have to have him rephrase it.) He will hear the better phrases over and over and they DO start to come out of his mouth, but it takes a while.

At 10 months, his sister is probably getting more mobile and more interactive. I've seen it before when little sister's "rules" change (she's doing more) the big brother re-tests his rules to see if they've changed as well.

Another thing my son does is if he's upset about something, it will often come out in other places that seem safer for him to vent. He's cried for 45 minutes because he wanted a light switch turned a certain way. Never cared about the switch before or since. It was just an emotional release. When I look at it that way, it's easier for me to have patience. Sometimes he will pick up on our stress, even if we don't say anything, and act out because of the tension.

A good book is 'Siblings without Rivalry'. It helps you understand where they're coming from and also gives you lots of practical advice you can use.

I also hope your daughter continues to stay safe and out of the hospital. You have a lot on your plate.

You might give the book "Parenting with Love and Logic" a try. I've found that very effective with my children and my students.

You might also try something my MIL used: goody tickets. All privileges must be earned through goody tickets, which are given to little boys who speak politely, mind their manners and behave appropriately. Whenever you catch your son in the act of doing something good, he gets a goody ticket. If he wants a privilege, such as a play date, tv time, an outing, whatever, he needs to cash in his tickets. If he doesn't have enough...oh, well! He'll need to behave better. It really becomes quite a game. It worked great with my eldest son; less so with my youngest.

For me, the "because I want to" response drives me bananas. My sons had lots of time in their rooms because my standard response was, "Oh, I see. I guess I want you to sit in your room and think about behaving better." Or, I would find a chore for them to do (yes, four year olds can do chores). My last best response to that was to decline the next play date or shopping request. "Hmmm...you want to play at David's. Well, I seem to remember that you did [fill in the blank] because you wanted to. Mommies of little boys who do that don't want to drive them to play dates. Maybe next time you'll behave better."

My sons are 12 and 16. They still, occasionally, pull that stunt on me. It never lasts long since I'm the chauffeur and I have no problem declining to drive them someplace. My eldest, when he was 13, decided to pull your 4 year old's stunt for a week (refused to do his chores because "I don't feel like it"). That Friday was a school dance and my son didn't go because I didn't feel like driving him to the dance. It's been 3 years and I haven't had that problem since.

Last but not least, I don't think there is EVER a good excuse for poor behavior. I would encourage you to not let your son "get away" with stuff just because you need to dedicate extra time to your daughter. When you have extra time, you'll share it with him. You might consider letting him know that and also let him know that you'll have LOTS more time to spend with him if he wasn't snooty and rude. After all, who wants to be with an unpleasant person?

In my house, the rule is that no one can infect the rest of the family with their bad attitude. Bad attitudes belong in one's bedroom until one can be a cheerful member of the household. That goes for mom and dad, too. Food for thought...

Good luck.

Well, here's my two cents' worth. Your son is doing what four-year-olds do. They tend to test the boundaries a lot, being both willful and verbal in their testing.

Your son has a little extra oomph for his version of this behavior. His sister's medical problems, while not her or anyone else's fault, have upset the family balance. If your little boy could verbalize it, I imagine he'd be telling you, "I'm worried about my baby sister and I'm really afraid about what's going on."

Of course, he shouldn't get away with defiance, but try a diversionary tactic. Is there a way you can give him some one-on-one time? Even something special for one afternoon a week? Maybe also a special time every day, even for a fifteen minutes? Is there also any way he can be involved in the care for his little sister?

He needs to know he's important to you not only by your words but also by your actions.

When there's an emergency situation, grownups - and sometimes even older children - know how to evaluate it and set their own interests aside. But little children just can't do that. They crave security. Your boy's actions, besides being part of his age's job description, may just be a way to get attention. Children frequently prefer negative attention to none at all.

So try some positive attention. Let him know you love him and he is very, very important. Let him know that there are rules that everyone has to mind, and that little sister needs a lot of the family's time, but that he is special to you and his daddy and you couldn't do without him.

Something I read recently and have started implementing in my relationship with my 20 month old dd is not using "good girl" as much as I used to. I still do, but not as much. I have replaced it with "thank you". Heartfelt thanks, not just empty words. She seems to be responding very well to it and has been in her terrible two's for a while now. Her behavior wasn't horrible but I kept having to tell her no a lot. Now, it isn't nearly as much. I agree that he may just be lashing out. If there was any way to involve him when attending to your daughter, it may be helpful too. It can be creative...making her a card, helping fold things, singing to her and you. Praying for you all and your situation.

I will add that it really is a 4 year old thing. Totally normal. My son cycles in and out of these phases regularly. I also have gotten REALLY good ideas from the Parenting with Love & Logic books. Specifically - check out the one written for kids from Birth to age 6. It has really good solutions to very common, everyday issues. They are quick to read & easy to implement. It has really been very helpful for me. I got it at the library & liked it so much I bought a copy. Good luck!