My husband just called me at work telling me what our son did. My husband was paying for his items at the store, and he turned and noticed some thing not right. So he checked his pockets and sure enough he stoled a candy bar.
Here is the question. I think our son should have felt shame in what he did. Our son should have went to the store manager and tell them that he just stoled a candy bar. What are your mama thoughts?
I was not with my son and husband when the incident occured. My husband took him to the car and spanked him, then they went home. (they were supposed to go Christmas Shopping) and made him clean his room. My husband said he did a really good job cleaning his room. When I got home I explained to him that when we go to the store we have to pay for things. They are not free. I told him you know how mommy gives you dollars to pay for what you want. You have to do that every time. Sadly the opportunity to teach him a good lesson.
I would have made him go back tell the store manager what he did.
Yep, he needs to go back to the scene of the crime and make ammends. Do it. He'll remember it forever. I remember my mom marching me back in after I took a 1 cent piece of double bubble bubble gum. I was so scared to talk to the store clerk (I was 5), but afterwards I felt cleansed ;)
lot of little kids go through this phase. Take him back to the store and have him return the candy and apologize to the manager. Talk to him and be sure he understands that you must always PAY for something, not just take it and that YOU will always find out if he takes something!
'Shame' is a hard concept for a kid that age. You just want him to know it is wrong- but don't make it too complicated. Tell him that he can't go to the store with his daddy if he can not follow the rules.
That should be enough. Make it clear to him that it is unacceptable , but leave it at that.
I did this at about the same age. My mom found a 5 cent piece of gum in my pocket. I knew better (sort of) and my mom told me how wrong it was to take things that didn't belong to us. She had me take the candy to the manager and say sorry. No harm done. He was nice about it. Kids make mistakes. He'll make more. They live, they learn. We just have to teach them right from wrong. He probably won't feel much shame about it. He's only 4.
When my daughter was but 2, she stole twice albeit accidentally at that age. Regardless, I took her back to the store (once it was even the day after as we discovered the exact GAP hat she had, but with a price tag on it) and apologized for/with her saying "I was here yesterday and I'm so sorry I took this hat without paying for it, I won't do it again. I'm so sorry." He may be a bit young to shame for it, but old enough to do this. Since he probably ate the candy bar, I would have him pay for the candy."
Shame at this age is a hard concept to teach. Rightness, however, is not. He can make amends by giving back the candy bar or paying for it if it was eaten.(if he doesn't have an allowance, explain that this is his 'fun money" and put off buying another treat, but it has to be in the very near future for it to have an effect.) Usually, the sheer enormity of having to apologize to a stranger for doing a wrong thing is enough to curb repeat performance.
Don't feel bad! You are so good to assume his conscience should be in total control by now, but it is absolutely normal for this not to be set in yet at 4 for a boy. You still have to enforce these things for him for a bit longer.
If you explain it, act firmly, take him to the manager etc, you will see him develop his own conscience in the next couple of years and "feel bad" if he does something, or he'll choose not to do it. He is old enough to be told stealing is wrong and that's it's VERY SERIOUS, so don't skip the lesson by keeping him away from stores. Teach and enforce the right behavior. Good luck, and don't feel afraid something is wrong with him.
absolutely a good stern talking to. and i would have my (also 4 year old) son take the candy bar back and hand it to the cashier (at four it could be the door greeter or the CEO of the company, he won't know the difference). it was NOT his and he needs to give it back. kids go through these things. i wouldn't freak out and assume he has a one way ticket to being a jeuvenile delinquent...
My brother did this at around that age. My Mom didn't realize it until we got home (he took a book) and she put us back in the car and made him take it back to the store, give it back and apologize to the owner (it was a small, locally owned butcher shop that had a rack of books near the door). My brother actually "ran away from home" for a few hours to get out of doing it, but he eventually came back and when he did, we headed back to the store! Definitely make him accountable for what he did. He'll never forget it....I know I didn't and it wasn't even me who stole!
Every 4-year-old will do whatever they can get away with. It's just how they are. It's up to you to let them know that their actions have consequences. Because of his age, the consequences should come as close to the event as possible, so he can correlate them.
You and the spousage should decide what the consequences are, and making him apologize isn't a bad one. (If I were in charge I might do that -- depends on whether we already out of the line.) But I don't know that you can make your husband do this after the fact.
I'm not sure you can make your son feel "shame" at this age, but you sure can make him know that if he doesn't want to do THAT again!
So much good luck to you!
When my daughter did this.... no matter if we noticed it at home or somewhere else. I marched my daughter in to the store and had her tell the manager what she did and had her hand it to them. We also told her that for a month she had to ride in the cart. After that she would be allowed to walk around the store with us again. My daughter never did it again.
Now my other daughter it did not work and I am still looking for help for her.... She seems to have a problem understanding what is mine and what is her's.... she seems to think she is privileged to everything.
I definately agree with you.. When my daughter was 6 she stole a pack of gum & my husband & I took her back to the store & made her comfront the manager & tell them what she did he told her he could call the cops & stuff it really scared her she has never had any other problems of stealling & is now 16.... I think that is wrong with alot of our kids today they are not held responsible for there actions....Good Luck with what you decide
