My 4 year old son has been having more poopy accidents since our daughter was born 4 months ago. He has been daytime potty trained since he turned 3 years old without any difficulties and has had very few accidents. He will poop just a little bit in his pants at preschool, not tell anyone, then tell us when we pick him up. Or, just today, he was playing and I smelled him and asked if he pooped in his pants and he said "yes". When I ask him why he doesn't go to the potty he either says he is busy doing whatever or he doesn't know. He is a clean kid and this surprises me that he does this. We didn't make a big deal about it for the first couple months as we thought it would pass. Should we discipline him? But how? He just doesn't seem to care that he is poopy or stinky. These accidents seem to happen about once a week or so. We could really use some advice!
Sometimes older siblings will revert back to "baby" behaviors when there's a new baby in the family. I helped take care of 3 little boys when I was in high school and the middle child started demanding to be fed with a bottle once the youngest was in the picture.
Talk to his pediatrician see if he/she can make any recommendations. This kind of thing is pretty common so I'm sure the doc will have some thoughts on how to deal with it.
Someone recently had a similar issue you could try to find it was about a month ago.
Honestly, it's not uncommon for the older child to do something of this nature. My 4 1/2 has recently gone thru this and I think it's because of the younger child. they sort of feel they cant control this "other" child thing so they try to control something with themselves. This can be not eating, or going to the bathroom or not (among other things) I tried to be fairly calm about it and sensitive and patient, etc. etc. in the beginning. But I know you understand, that it gets old cleaning the mess up and dealing with it. My daughter did not seem to mind it one bit and I think was somehow feeling powerful. I just one day decided to calmly say, that I felt she really was able to get back on track with using the potty and until she could get it under control again she would lose TV privileges for the following day after an accident. If she chose not to go to the bathroom, then she was choosing not to watch TV the next day. She would have to NOT have an accident for a whole day to be able to watch TV again. Well , she went from having daily accidents (sometimes 2-4 per day trying to hold it in) to being back on track within A WEEK!!!! She had also been doing this for months! I think I had to just put my foot down basically, but in a calm way. I did try to be esp. supportive and congratulatory when she did go and give her positive attention for going to the bathroom like her body needed her to do. People say dont punish, but it's how you do it I think. I didnt want her to feel bad about herself, so I didnt say things to make her ashamed. I didnt get mad. But she needed to know it was unacceptable at her age to do this. (and mom doesnt like the nasty clean up job - but they dont care about that) Ps. if T V is not a big deal to your child, find something that they really would miss so they will think about their choice. Oh PSS. Now that she's back on track , she feels really proud of herself and she's obviously more comfortable not trying to hold it in. I think me "punishing" her or rather bringing it to her attn that I was aware she was choosing this behavior, gave her a sense of security that mom was still here to guide her with issues she was having. She got back in control and deep down she felt better and she's been happier. I give her lots of love and attn and did also when she was having the accidents, but I didnt see her stopping(anytime soon) until SHE felt there was a negative consequence for it. Good luck L.
Sounds familiar. My son also did that. He was a 'holder' (would hold his poop till he had an accident), and it is a control issue and signals a need for attention. He had 'accidents' frequently through his younger years and even after he stopped having full-on accidents there was often a fair amount of poop on his underpants. He had a very hard time accepting the new baby and I was so worn out I didn't make sure to give him the extra attention he needed. My not giving him the attention created a dislike for his sister that continued throughout his childhood.
DON'T discipline him for this. It won't work and will probably make it worse. Get as much alone/special time with him as possible, so he's not threatened by the new baby. Give him as much attention and verbal reassurance as you can.
I have so many things I would do differently in hindsight. I can remember often getting mad at him for this through the years. Now that I understand it I regret it so much. Just clean it up. He'll grow out of it eventually. It's a pain but not the worst thing in the world.
A very good source for helping your child take responsibility for his behavior is a book called "Love & Logic" for you and dad to read. It will help you as a parent to learn about becoming parents who can help grow your children without causing a division in the relationship.
As he continues the behavior that causes mom and dad to react he gets attention, no matter how good or bad the attention may be. The problem of poopy pants is mom and dad's, as he watches you clean up the "problem" he created. He has control of the problem, he can be in control of the resolution.
I would highly suggest that you read the book LOVE & LOGIC.
Personally I would let my son know that I don't like the smell of poopy pants and that when he cleans himself up then he can come and be around and play. If he doesn't know how then I would show him what expectation of being clean is. I would stand back and give directions, *gently of course, (this empowers him)I would encourage him to deal with his accidents so that in the future if this occurs again he has this new knowledge on how to resolve the problem like a big boy!
hi A., i believe that it is neccesary for you to let him know that other people can smell him even the kids at his school and tell him that as a concequence they will not want to be around him if he's smelly & he might also get a rash, offer him a reward every certain amount of days he goes by without pooping, & show him how to clean himself up so that you don't have to do it because maybe that's all he wants, your attention, your time away from the baby, that might be his way of controling you.
encourage him as much as you can to being the big brother and being able to do things babies can't do, tell him that the baby needs his company, his love & experience.
hope this helps
L.
Do a Google search on "encopresis" and see if this sounds like your situation. Our son had this medical condition a while back. It involves deliberately holding back poop, which leads to mini-accidents. There is treatment for encopresis ... just need to talk to the pediatrician for an official diagnosis and tips.
Hi A., last week my 4 year old wet the bed for the first time and I was so surprised. Like you, my son was totally potty trained by 2 1/2 and this was his first bed wetting accident. It happened the night after starting a new preschool so I assume he is feeling anxious and your son may also be feeling anxiety over the new baby. In an effort to curb what may become a problem, I added "wake up dry" to his good behavior board. It's a dry erase checklist on our fridge where he gets a smiley face for each day of the week that he demonstrates good behavior such as "good listening," "no sassing", "being honest." Now when he wakes up dry he gets a smiley face and at the end of the week we total the smiley faces and if it reaches a certain total, my son gets to choose from a list of good consequences that he himself has chosen. Since we added it to the board, he has been accident free. Another writer suggested telling him you don't like that smell etc. but I think that will make him feel shameful and may even lead him to finding sneaker ways to hide his accidents. You may want to try a good behavior board with him and add “clean undies” to the goals. Then he can watch his accomplishments add up and you may be able to extinguish the behavior in a few weeks. Positive reinforcement usually wins over discipline in these types of situations.
I don't think you should discipline him. I know it is a difficult situation to deal with, I remember my brother doing this till he was about 6 but then he just stopped. Also my best friend Angie had the same problem with her son, he has stopped also. From what I have noticed, the bigger deal you make it the even bigger deal it becomes. He will stop eventually, that I am sure of. Just know your not alone I have seen this a few times.
