I think I have tried everything. I have asked for help. I have read books. I dont know what to try next. My daughter was potty trained at 21 months, effective for about 1 year. Then, she started peeing (never pooping) in her pants. I know that her little life has been hard. We moved when she turned two and then again a few months later. I was diagnosed with cancer when she was 3 and a half, and spent about 6 months sick, in the bed.
We have tried postive and negative reinforcement. Examples range from stickers and celebrating each time she goes in the potty to putting tokens in a jar for two weeks and earning a bike. She accomplished that last summer. I have taken away the clothes that she pees in, but then I just have to replace them. Making your child go naked isnt a realisitc consequence. She has spent a day, here in there, in a cloth diaper, but I dont see that to be effective, because she doesnt see that as a puishment. It makes it where she can just pee and keep going.
I see no patters as to when it happens. She will go in the potty for 3-4 days. Then it will start again and she will pee in her pants 6-8 times a day.
She doesnt hide, tell anyone, or clean herself up. She simply keeps going about her business. It is like she doesnt even care that she has urine on her. Even when it has made her poor little bottom raw, she continues to do it. My best guess is that going to the bathroom is inconvenient for her; she is too busy playing/coloring/working.
She is a smart and engaging little girl. I have had serious conversations with her, but anyone with a 4 year old knows that doesnt get you very far in modifying behavior. This has gone on so long, with no sustainable progress. I need to have a drastic plan that is going to get her attention.
Have her clean up the mess (do the laundry, wipe herself off with a cold washcloth, and clean up the area where she peed). Also, set the timer when you are at home at regular intervals and tell her she has to sit on the potty at those times regardless of whether or not she has to go. Tell her once she shows you that she's a big girl and won't pee in her pants then she won't have to use the timer anymore, or clean up.
Hi E. - It sounds like you and your family have had to battle some really tough issues! My guess is that your daughter has 'felt' every one of them, and is responding to the trauma by regressing with her potty training.
My advice would be to put her in pull-ups (that she can pull down easily if she chooses to pee in the potty), and just relax a bit. Anything that a child senses as 'punishment' may cause short-term behavior change, but usually does not work in the long run.
You mentioned that your daughter is smart and engaging, maybe too busy to stop and go to the bathroom. (Maybe a little defiant at that age, too?). She will take care of this little problem when she is good and ready to!
My experience as a child and family therapist, mother and grandmother of a (almost) three-year-old, has taught me to slow down and 'go with the flow' a little more. Kids really can sense, and respond in their own way, to whatever you are feeling - even if you try to keep it from them and don't express it in words. If you can relax about the issue, it might give her permission to take care of it herself.
Hope this helps! L. S.
My daughter was similar, she was using the potty regularly for awhile and then just started going in her pants or not quite making it to the bathroom. I was told by the lovely moms here, to just let it go and stop trying to control it. She did great at preschool, but at home chose not to use the potty. I just put her in diapers at home and it was that way until just before school ended. She turned 4 in April, so, a couple months later, she just decided she was done with diapers. I think she just didn't get the reaction from me that she was seeking and gave up.
When they figure out that they have control over something, watch out... Food is another one of the control issues that often comes about.
Oh, another friend of mine has had a serious illness as well and her daughter is behaving in a similar fashion. Even at school. It is hard to watch a parent be ill and not have the attention because mommy can't do it. Give her some time and lots of love. Put her in a diaper at home and eventually, she will come around when she is ready. The more you stress over the more likely she will continue the behavior. If she is in a diaper or pull-up, there is less work for you in clean up.
She won't go to school in a diaper, and she definitely won't graduate high school in one...
Good luck with letting it go, it was hard for me, too, but it worked.
D.
Hi, E., I'm sorry to hear how much you've had to go through. The regression your daughter is experiencing is understandable, though certainly inconvenient.
My Grandboy 3.5 is potty trained but reluctant to stop playing to go pee, so we've created quite a game out of it. He likes dinosaurs, so when I notice him doing "the dance," I will observe that there is a line of dinosaurs waiting to use the bathroom. I might even pantomime asking them if G can please use the potty first, nudge them out of the way, etc.
It's been fun for both of us coming up with variations on the game. Sometimes we race the dinosaurs to get there first, sometimes he shares space on the seat for one or more baby dinosaurs who just can't wait to pee, etc. Seems you could do similar games with fairy princesses or dragons or butterflies or whatever your daughter likes.
At any rate, it is often possible to make necessary tasks fun. Takes a little creative energy, but it turns out to be fun for the adults, too. For me, this in one of the great secrets of life – there isn't one list of appealing activities and another list of unappealing activities. ALL of it can be interesting, engaging, and even fun if we come at it creatively.
Good luck. I wish you good health, and an easier future for your family.
You acknowledge that this is a reaction to the stress in her little life. Stop trying to seek punishment for her having normal childish reactions to the big things in her life she cannot control.
Love her, be gentle, be patient. Change her clothes when she has accidents, and gently remind her to use the toilet. Spend more time with her if you can.If changing her clothes has become cumbersome, it is okay to use diapers again, but do not use them as a "punishment", but simply as a reaction.
She has gone through alot with you. She has survived your cancer with you, please respect that. It is hard for most adults to deal with the possibility of losing someone, it is even harder for children to wrap there head around the ideology of it. They are not yet built for the process, no matter how bright they are.
Have you tried family therapy for her and you? I think it would be beneficial. I am glad that you are well now, that is awesome. I wish you the best.
Hoenstly, I would not push it. Just change her clothes without making a big fuss about it and remind her to tell you next time she goes. You can also come to a regimen were you ask her to use the potty in regular intervals (say once an hour) so she doesn't "forget" to go.
I do second the advice of getting her seen by a pediatrician, just to exclude any illnesses.
She just went through some MAJOR stress (along with you...) and some regression or other behavioral problems are to be expected. If you are seeing a support group or receive supporting counseling, I would bring this up and ask for advice on how to help your young children cope with what your family just went through.
You may think she did not fully grasp what happened to you, but at that age most children understand more that we are giving them credit for and having a parent that sick is very scary for them.
Good luck!
You and your daughter have both been through a lot of trauma lately so it is natural for her to regress a bit. Might I suggest that you go back to her using the pull ups for awhile? I bought my daughter (who is now 40) some very pretty, frilly underpants that she liked. She could only wear them when she did not pee herself. If she peed them she did not get to wear the pretty, frilly underwear for awhile; she had to go back to some rather plain pairs that we had as we didn't have the pull ups when she was younger. She quickly decided that she didn't want to be wearing the plain underwear so...she quit peeing herself. My daughter also was traumitized by things that were going on in hers and my life, some of which (some quite serious issues) I did not find out about for many years but...she managed to over come a lot. If you need to go back to the pull ups for awhile don't make her feel like it is a punishment because she has been traumitized enough; just let her know that it is to help her (and of course help you not to have to big of a mess to clean up).
E.,
It sounds like she's regressed because of all the stress of moving and Mommy being so sick. Going potty is one of the few things in a young child's life that they have complete control over. But, there is hope! :)
My son will be six in October and we finally got him potty trained when he was 4 1/2. Talk about headaches and frustration. He's always been in the 95% (or higher) at his well child checks. He was getting too big for the size 6 diapers, and the size 7's were too hard/inconvenient to find, and he was outgrowing the pull-up's.
Here's what worked for us the get him trained:
1) he had to clean up his onw accidents in the bath tub. I'd turn on the coldest water I could get out of the tap and make him clean. He loved warm water is why I did that.
2) I made a calendar and put up a sticker for every day he'd go accident free. The addition there was that if he could go 10 days consecutive accident free we'd take him on a ferry ride and get ice cream on the other side.
3) for the poop issue we let him squat on the toilet seat to avoid the monsters in the toilet. Now I think it was the splash of the turd hitting the water and splashing his butt that was scaring him.
Anyway, I'm also adding the link to all the advice I got when I had a similar problem.
Hope this helps,
Melissa
http://www.mamasource.com/request/8244745171971866625
when both of my children stopped bothering to go because it was inconvenient, I also backpedaled and just started telling them to go at regular times. like when they get up, before we go out, before meals, before bed. they didn't like being told what to do so I would say, well if you would go when you feel it, then I wouldn't be telling you. this SHOULD be your responsibility, show me that you can be responsible and I will gladly leave it up to you. taking back responsibility basically bought me some time, allowing them to get a little older, releasing some of the conflict.
Mom don't worry your child is crying through her kidneys. Many children do that.
If you have looked into bladder and urinary problems and come up negative the above is the answer.
Hello,
What worked for my daughter (and I still do to a point) is have her try to go potty at regularly scheduled times (when she wakes up in the morning, before lunch, before quiet time, before dinner, before an outing) and of course when she asks to go potty. She would tell me that she doesn't have to go and I tell her that is fine but I want her to try.....sometimes even now when she says she doesn't have to go potty.....lo and behold she does. :) I think kids get so involved playing that they don't want to stop to use the bathroom!!!
Good luck to you!
T.
I would have a chat with my pediatrician.
I have a question, is your youngest daughter potty trained?
I ask because it may be a simple thing that if the little one can pee in her diaper, so can the big one.
The only other thing I could offer is that is sounds like a power trip to me. "I can pee in my diaper and mom and dad have to pay attention to me in some way..." I would completely ignore it. Hard to do. Very hard to do.
She probably knows where the undies are, and can find new clothes to wear, or ask you for help. If you are busy, say I can't help you now, but in x amount of time. If not let her wear wet ones. She'll quickly learn to not pee in her clothes!
The key is not to get upset about this. Ignore her. Turn your back on her. Go outside and scream or laugh. Lock yourself in the bathroom. No emotion about the situation.
Good Luck. I am glad that your health is better.
How about pullups and therapy? She has more going on than the usual toddler.
