4 Year Old Hates Saying Goodbye

When my little ones do the same thing, I tell them, "Don't worry, we'll be back again." My son used to have terrible fits any time we stopped doing anything he liked. I would tell him, "Don't worry, we'll do this again", and then we would, which got him to realize that the goodbye was really temporary.

At this age it is goign to be a bit of a power struggle and the more attention she gts out of it, the better for her.
The best thing to do is to set the example and then leave her to figure it out.

For example, it would be much more productive to tell her give her a warning at the 5 and 10 minute mark before it is time to go- this will give her time to prepare physically and emotionally for leaving.
When it is time to go, do not try to goad, bribe , manipulate her into saying goodbyes and giving affections. You set the example- cheerfully say your goodbyes and smile and wave out the door- if she puts on her mad face- ignore her, let everyone else smile at her and tell her once, goodbye and then leave it at that.
Don't lecture her in the car or make a big deal of it- though at another time when it is not an issue, you might bring up and talk to her about why she does not like to say goodbye and give hugs- let her know how it makes people feel when she is cheerful and shows she had a good time as their guest and how special it will make her feel to say goodbye, give hugs and show her appreciation for the hosts hospitality.
At the time of goodbyes, though, give positive reinforcement for appropriate attitudes and behaviors when leaving and completely ignore any faces or refusals to say goodbye- she will eventuall figure out that she wants to be a part of what is going on when saying goodbye and it would be better to participate in a positive manner than to be the only one being miserbl and getting no attention , positive or negative, because of it.

Hi L.,

I think you summed it up in your first sentence: she hates saying goodbye and leaving when she's enjoying herself. It's very difficult to be gracious when you are upset with the circumstances, and your daughter may not be emotionally ready to make the shift from being unhappy to putting on a smiling face and saying thank you.

There were several great suggestions listed earlier for helping with the transition of leaving. I'd never recommend punishing a child for their feelings, but warnings about time limits and warm reassurance that your daughter can come back and see friends again is wonderful and empathetic to what she's feeling.

If you are concerned about how your host interprets your daughter's sad face, there are two things you can do to convey your gratitude to your host. One is to model the behavior for your daughter. You can thank your host while acknowledging her sadness. "Thank you for inviting us over. It was a lot of fun to play with the other kids. I can see (your daughter's name) had such a good time, she's sad we have to go." Then, when you are home and your daughter is in a better space, you could suggest writing a thank you note to your host. Have your daughter decorate the front of a card (construction paper folded over is fine...it doesn't have to be fancy) with a drawing or stickers and you can write the message. This is a time to engage your daughter: "who did you have fun with today? What did you do at So-and-So's house?" It doesn't have to be a lot of questions, but let her know that you are writing a card to say thank you. Thank you cards are always welcome by their receivers, and your daughter gets a chance to contribute.

By the way, this is a tough one here, but I'm not entirely sure that children understand *why* they need to say thanks for a playdate. I don't think they have that adult understanding of the time and effort it takes to get a house ready for guests. It sounds like your daughter is just in the moment with her feelings and is being pretty authentic, which is great. Just keep up the modeling and cards, if you choose to. Gratitude is taught by us; children are rarely just born aware of it. Good luck!

I have a 3 1/2 yo who acts the same way, having a hard time leaving a place she's enjoying. Sometimes she acts mad. Sometimes she cries. Sometimes she ignores the people who are trying to hug her goodbye. I get so sick of hearing "I don't want to go home, Mommy!" Like she has such a bad home? We have a lovely home, warm, loving, safe....! My friends tell me not to take it personally; they say every kid would rather stay and play than go home. Giving the 10/5 minute warnings works okay, but also having something positive waiting for her in the car or having some other fun place to go helps too.

"But I don't want to go, Mommy!" (tears start...)
"Oh! Well I was going to take you to the park next!"
"Okay, mom!"

"Mom, I don't want to go home."
"That makes me sad. I like having you at home with me. How about when we get home you can pick out a snack/movie/game/etc.?"
"I guess (big sigh)."

Preschoolers can't see past the end of their own noses, let alone into the future big picture. If you remind your daughter that one good thing coming to an end just means a chance to do another good thing, she'll have an easier go of it. Best wishes!

First of all when you get to an event, before you go in, tell her what you expect of her. "When it is time to go, I expect you to say good-bye, and be polite. I expect you to tell them thank you for inviting you and come home with a smile. If you can't do this, then let me know and we will just go home now. If you want to go in and play, then you have to promise me that you will obey." She of course will forget and will still be mad, but you can remind her of what she promised and tell her that if she cannot obey then she will be punished. You can't reason with her when she is so upset, but because you already had the conversation and she already agreed, she will remember what you expect and will be much more likely to change her attitude. Also, when it is time to go, give her something to look forward to. Instead of just telling her it is time to go, say "Lets go talk to Mrs. Whoever and set up a time to play next week" or "What do you want for lunch at home? I'm starving" or " Lets go home and play babies". You want her to feel like she is moving from one activity to another instead of just leaving something fun.

L.,

We do not say Goodbye with most things for our boys. They accepted things easier if we say "Thank you, See you later". that way they understand better that we will be back at another time. They are now just starting to say goodbye at times on their own.

Good luck and God Bless,
T.

I just wrote a paper about this for my Techniques of Positive Guidance class. I would suggest giving her a little bit of time to make the transition for saying goodbye. i.e.-"In just a little while it will be time to say goodbye." Children need the warning to be able to make transitions smoothly. It also is good to use the warnings for other transitions, such as bedtimes, clean-ups, putting your coat on, etc...Good luck!

Boy this is a hard one. My kids are pretty good about saying goodby, My 4 year old throws a fit when we have to leave, but takes it out on me not other people, usually.
Maybe try planning another visit. By letting her know that if she is polite and says thank you and goodby that she can come back again. Try not to make too big a deal (negatively) about it though, i know with my 4 year old the more frustrated I get about something the less chance she will do it...See if you can get her to say see you later and blow a kiss or something, or at least thanks for letting me play...i dont think is has to be "goodby" it might be a seperation issue...If their is something that she likes to do in the car, such as buckle herself open the door for you you can try letting her do that as a reward for good behavior which includes being polite...I hope you find what works for you :) Good luck.

When my brother and his family come for visits from Alaska, my mom is so happy to see them, but when they leave and we take them to the airport, the goodbyes are so difficult for everyone. My Mom almost bawls, the heart hurts so bad to say good bye. So my little brother in his infinite wisdom told her that if he couldn't say good bye he wouldn't be able to come back again, because he had to leave to come home again. So, have a talk with your little girl about coming back again. That instead of saying "good bye", teach her to say "see you later". In German, "auf wiedersehen" may mean "good bye" but it translates to "until I see you again". So before you go somewhere talk about the next time you'll see these people. When you say goodbye, talk about the next time you'll get together. Realize that she has an attachment to these folks and it's hard to leave those you care about. I had cousins that when we visited them or they us, I cried for a good half hour after they left because I so loved and enjoyed them. It's still this way, just not with the tears.

So it's not good bye, it's "later gator!, afterwhile crocodile!!"

My friends daughter gets this way when she hasn't seen us in a while. She is at home without any other kids to play with until her older brother comes home from school and they don't play that well together. Oh and we have a ton more toys all over the place. You could have a specific day each week to see the people that she really enjoys seeing so she can get her interactive time and can look forward to it, put it on a calander and she can count the days until she sees so and so again. I have a standing playdate with my friend from high school who lives close by, she has a 3yo and she gets along great with my 5yo. You could also have her say see you later or see you next week instead of goodbye so she knows you will see them again. Also too, how does she act when people have visited at her house and get ready to leave? Is it the same thing? If not then maybe other places are just more fun then home right now.

Our oldest, 7 yr old, still has issues with transitions through the day. We have over come this, by giving a short warning... "we'll be leaving in 5 minutes, mommy will be back after the store, but daddy will be here with you". Just telling her ahead of time that we are going and preparing her for what is coming, makes all of the difference for her. She is very smart and never forgets a thing. She remembers if I say that we're going to go somewhere, and if we don't she can't figure out why not. lol I have learned to not tell her things that are not for sure, or set in stone, too. ;) Reminding her that you will be back or you will be able to visit again another time or tell her something to look forward to at the next destination, like a treat or show. Hope this helps! Good luck!

My son does this too. It really hurts his dad's feelings when he won't say goodbye. We have gone over it again and again that it hurts people's feeling he doesn't say goodbye. We make him say it politely every time before we leave (or when his dad leave for work). He's 5 now and pretty much does it on his own. I had to be consistant and remind him how hurtful it is when he acts like that. Good luck.

I agree with Betty and Angela. She might need a little extra time to make transitions, especially if she's having a good time. Giving her a little advance warning, and some help saying "bye bye" to all the toys/people might go a long way to helping her be OK with transitioning from one situation to the next.