4 Year Old Daughter Having Accidents

I had two very reluctant potty goers, both could do if they chose to. What I did finally realize after the first. There are two things that these kids have control over, what goes in their bodies and what comes out. With so much changing around her, she needs to have something she can control, when and where she goes potty. Maybe put her back in pull ups at home and if daycare/preschool has stayed the same, she will adapt to that situation more quickly.

Don't get mad or punish, she needs to be able to have some control over her life with everything changing around her, plus trying to cope with her situation. You might want to get her into see a child psychologist, as well. She might just need someone outside of the situation to help her cope with her feelings.

I wish her well, it's tough being little and everyone telling you what to do.

Bless her heart. There is a lot going on here.

The mother problem is obvious. She is feeling fear, hurt feelings, guilt, confusion.. She is under a lot of stress.

She is not "being bad" she is having a reaction to all that is going on in her life. Imagine what a teen would feel like with all of this going on around them? These emotions are very hard to deal with.. Now think about it, this is only a 4 year old child.

None of this is on purpose. This is a manifestation of her stress. It is like a reaction. The more you push her, is still pressure from you. Instead know that she is not realizing what is going on. She is distracted.

Yes, you can remind her over and over, but she wants to be a big girl and each time you remind her about going to the potty, you are taking that away from her. It is like a little bit of shame.

Instead start modeling the behaviors of going to the potty.
You will feel strange at first, but it will show her that even the grown ups need to remember to go and not wait until the last minute.

"Gee, I just drank a big glass of water I better go t the potty before I get in the car. "

"Dad do you need to go to the potty before you leave for work?"

"Before I put on my coat, I am going to try one more time to go potty, I do not want to have an accident." "We are not going to be able to stop for a potty break for 2 hours. "

And then praise, praise, praise, praise her for going in a timely manner. She does not need a reward, just your approval.

At the end of the night if she did not have an accident, mention it. "Wow, you did not have any potty accidents! High five!"

If she did have an accident have her change herself and clean herself up. Then just say, "I know you wanted to to remember about going to the potty, maybe tomorrow you will be able to remember."

When I was this age, there was lots of turmoil in our home.. I used to also have accidents. I did not want to interrupt the fun I was having, because I knew when I went home things would be stressful and I would not get as much playtime.. It really does have an impact. It helped when my mom made a big deal when I made it through the whole day. She purchase super pretty panties for me as a reward on those days.

Just hang in there. She is really in transition and the stress from her former life will never totally leave until she is old enough to really understand what went on.

Just stay as supportive and as empathetic as possible.

I know my situation is not as difficult as what your child has been through, but it actually seems like the same symptom. When my son was 4, we had a baby, and INSTANTLY, we had accidents multiple times per day... both pee & bm. At school and at home. We talked to our pediatrician. He said that in general, it's not something kids do intentionally. It's their brains way of saying - I have to deal with all this change, a change in who's responsible for me, how much attention I'm getting, etc. So they revert back to a younger stage of development until they can stabilize in their new surroundings. It takes time, and progress isn't always a straight, linear progression! 3 steps forward, 1 back...
The ONLY thing that really helped us re-potty train was 1-on-1 time with ME (mom). It might just be 30 minutes where we just read books together & talked with some quiet time. Or a 1-on-1 trip to the park, just the 2 of us. It may mean that your daughter needs to spend a lot of focused 1-on-1 time with each of you & your husband.
It sounds like your daughter has been through a LOT of trauma, a LOT of change. Give her time to stabilize. Give her LOTs of hugs. Tell her you love her even if she has accidents, but that accidents need to be cleaned up so she doesn't get a rash and isn't stinky. Make sure that she starts to separate her potty training accidents from whether she'll be loved and taken care of. At school, my son is learning that God and parents will love him, even if he makes bad choices. We extend that to tell him that YES, we WILL LOVE HIM, even if he makes bad choices, but making GOOD CHOICES, like going potty on time, is a lot more FUN! It's a really powerful message that they understand pretty quickly.

Reading this made me cry. Please dont punish her (I can tell you dont want to and your insticts are right on~!) This poor baby girl is traumatized. She needs ten tons of love, tender loving care, attention, kindness as much as you can pour onto. Being removed from any home even an abusive one is traumatizing for any child, especially a 4 year old. This poor little girl, many children expeirence accidents after trauma. My stepdaughter was 9 years old and had few accidents after an incident with her mother, who at the time, was using drugs and took her for a few weeks. (Long story). My point is, this is from trauma. Punishment wont work. What WILL work is knowing she has a stable home, parents who love her unconditonally and wont suddenly change. Over time, as she learns to trust you she will be able to control herself more. Be patient with her. I would just be incredibley patient with her and remember, children who were abused are often developmentally behind since they werent allowed to thrive in the enviroment they were in. I would read as much as you can on these topics, including and especially stepparenting. And please get her into counseling, and family therapy can be helpful too. She needs as much love and support as you can possibly give her. I pray that all goes well, and God bless you for loving and caring for her.
M. M.

Little girls this age often have bladder infections. Take her to a doctor and get her checked out.

My guess is that she is testing you. Since she was abused by her mother, who knows what happened when she wet her pants there. She is old enough to know that wetting her pants is wrong and she is old enough to know that there will be consequence as long as the consequence isn't severe. I don't think she could handle that. Because she is proud on the days she stays dry, it shows that she is making an effort. I think this will just take time and you are making progress.

However, is it possible she has a physical problem and needs to be checked by a doctor?

It seems like this is a really sensitive situation you're dealing with here. Who knows what this poor child has endured. I think I would approach this just as you would potty training any child. She certainly seems willing, but nobody has really taught her how to do this. I think I'd wait for a quiet moment and explain to her how using the potty works. For instance, tell her that you're going to help remind her every so often about sitting on the potty. Set a timer if you need to - at this age, maybe every 30 minutes - and when the timer goes off, the two of you go off to the potty and she sits and tries to go. Since she likes the M&M's, offer her one when she sits and tries. All it's about is getting into the habit. In between times, if she goes all by herself and sits on the potty, maybe she gets 2 candies. (Or extra praise, or whatever works.) Just keep going like that. Encourage her and really celebrate when she gets it right. If she messes up, just tell her that she will make it to the potty in time the next time (and then help her do that).

I don't know if it's an emotional response right now - it probably is - but it doesn't matter. She is 4 and needs to have someone teach her how to do this properly without becoming angry with her (since that seems to have been a problem in her life so far with her bio-mom). She will master it once she knows what is expected and it becomes routine - and she may feel more in control, too. It probably worries her, coming from an abusive situation, what will happen when she pees in her pants, and she will feel better knowing she has control over that.

I'd also take her to the doctor to rule out any UTIs or other physical issues.

Good luck!!

Unfortunately, there's no 'quick fix'. Right now, I would say don't punish her in any way. She's coming out of a bad situation where chances are her only form of attention was punishment. You need to help her re-learn how to get the proper attention with love & affection.
Continue being patient with her and every single time she has an accident tell her you love her just want her to be clean and dry so she doesn't get a rash from being wet. Tell her you know it was an accident and that you're sure next time she will make it to the potty on time.
I would not put pull-ups on her as that may make her feel ashamed like she's being treated like a baby and not a big girl.
Instead of rewarding her with M&M's for using the potty maybe reward her with something for staying dry all day. Like if she stays dry until dinner time then she will get to pick a movie to watch and you all cuddle up on the couch and have family movie time together. Or you take her to the park or something like that the next day. I'm just thinking that she needs rewarded with something that helps her connect and bond more with you guys so she feels more secure (instead of a quickly eaten candy).

First, get her checked by a doctor to see if there's anything medically that she needs. I heard a story about a dad whose son had an attitude and would sometimes ignore him so he'd be punished, and when he was 10 years old, they finally discovered that the son had a problem with his ear canal so his hearing was impaired! So I'd take her to the doctor to just rule out something physical. If physically she's okay, then it's emotional/mental.

Set a timer and take her to the bathroom once an hour. She also needs rewards. This is very common for abused/neglected kids. Especially at her age, where a lot of 4 year olds still have the occasional accident.

I would like you to take a look at your language when you talk about her peeing in her pants. "She knows this is bad" and "We tried punishing her".

For four year olds, peeing in their pants is just an accident or in her case it is a sign that she is under stress. (even a good change can produce stress).

I would like to suggest that you remove all "punishment" and terms of "bad" from your language and treatment when accidents happen. Just change her and get on with it. Ignore the accident totally. If you don't want to change or clean up messes get the pull-ups and give her a choice. "do you want to where pretty panties or pull-ups? Buy some really pretty ones for Christmas.

Give her lots of love and remember that even though her mother was not the best mother, she probably still misses her or misses the mother she was suppose to be.

Be consistent. That goes for whatever you decide to do about your daughter's behavior. Do it for at least a month before you change.

Discuss with the Daycare the changes that are going on in your daughter's life and what you are going doing about it.

Lots of praise, I mean 5-10 straight minutes, it will be hard. No rewards like M&M's, PRAISE! No more punishment, simply have her help clean up the mess. I had my daughter before she took a bath take her clothes & put them in the washer & help me start the wash, it's cold in our garage. She didn't like handling the stinky wet mess, that stopped our daughter's "accidents".

We have a daughter with special needs and potty training can be really challenging because she is or has been unable to control it or feel it.. We recently have gotten great suggestions from her teachers and the head of the development center on things to do that might work. Given this poor little girls history - i'm guessing that the mom might have punished her if she had an accident and its going to be difficult for her to unlearn that. I agree not to put her back in to pull ups as that is confusing. One thing that is recommended in all of the books and by the teachers is something like a star chart. so that you can work up to multiple days or hours etc and give her a star or sticker that she likes to work up to an ultimate reward. She could have a reward for each time she goes potty, small like you say the M&M or playing with ipad (my daughters favorite) and then a bigger thing when she does a day or multiple days without an accident. I think if she is at a day care or school, you need to get them involved too. Definately if she has an accident, the teachers say you must treat it as if it is no big deal - everyone has accidents, just ignore it. you can have her help clean up or change in to new clothes but no punishment. you dont want them to hold it because that can cause constipation issues and or other medical complications. Again, I think I would assume that the mother severely punished her for accidents. There is also a potty watch that is available on the leaps and bounds website... you could have that set to remind her, and especially while she is at school. then it takes it out of her hands or yours and the timer says its time to go so it must be type of thing. Those are some ideas. Good luck and thank god this little girl has you and your husband to turn her life around.