4 Year Old and Sexuality

Hi A.,
I can relate to you, because my daughter- who is now 12 years old- would do this at the age of 3. Though she did not do this in public, at home it became very frustrating. She would lie on her stomach and stretch, and then thrust up and down on the floor or bed. After a while, I became very upset. She did calm it down, but would cry, but not out of anger, but because "it felt good." As a parent, this is one thing that I had to ride out- as hard as it was. She doesn't do it anymore, and I don't remember how long she did it, but it wasn't that long. My friend's daughter did it too at 3, and she is now 20. This is one thing that they both outgrew. My 3 year old son is in the stage of toughing himself, and playing, and stretching. I did notice that if I make a big thing out of it, the focus is there more. I have found that distracting them also helps.
Hope this helps, and good luck!
K.

This is completely normal behavior. The original suggestion about turning it into a listening punishment rather than a punishment for the behavior itself is a good one. At this age, she will be developing a sense of modesty and why is that? She is becoming aware of her private parts and the private parts of others, though not necessarily in any meaningful way she could narrow to sex.

Someone mentioned being afraid that she would become closeted about it. Frankly, it is a privacy issue and you hope she'll do it in the privacy of her own room or the bathroom. The concern about becoming obsessed with it? That is a separate issue - it is a developmental stage, she will be come fascinated with something else soon enough. As long as nothing traumatic has occured, she'll move on and return to this exploration at other times in the future.

I remember my son on the changing table rubbing himself as early as 18 months - no one taught him that and no inappropriate behavior caused him to do it to himself - one musn't be raped to know what sex is. We instinctively figure it out. He even went through a troubling day or two (for me) where he was rubbing on the bathroom rug. I tried to keep my cool and gently pulled him off the rug and he quit doing it after a few times. He was 2 1/2. He's 6 now and completely normal.

Best of luck!

A.,

I would try to seperate the sexuality from the act and talk about the behavior instead.

For example:
It might feel good at the time to scream or yell or run around crazy but that is not appropriate behavior at the store or in public.

Because we are modest with our bodies we don't go out in public naked even if we want too.

In the same way when we are in public (which includes in your house around other family members) we use good behavior. We don't yell, scream, run, we wear clothing, and we don't touch the private parts of our body. (I use this definition with my 3 year old. Private parts are those covered by your bathing suit)

Go over these public behaviors before you get in the car and again give a quick reminder before you get out of the car.

Good luck - J.

My two year ole does it also. She discovered it in her car seat and then moved on to other things in the house and now does it with her hand. She does it more when our nanny is there than when my husband and I are at home. It is so hard not to freak out about it or worry constantly. I received the same advice you did to just tell them it isn't appropriate in public and that if she wants to do that she needs to go to her room by herself. She gets really angry if you stop her when she is in public. Often I find she does it more when she is tired or in a situation where she is bored or overwelmed. It is hard to talk about it with your friends or family because you worry what they must think of you as a parent so it is nice to be able to share your concerns with another mother who understands. I have four children and none of my other kids did this especially at such a young age. Thanks for listening good luck!

There is no doubt that kids are sexual creatures and exploring sexual feeling is normal. Since you've already had a talk with her about what is acceptable when and where this is simply behavioral. She knows doing this in public-car-stores-in front of people is NOT allowed. A sharp tone in your voice, scolding, even being sent away is needed. If it were me- I have a 5yr old daughter- I would simplly say 'I have reminded you plenty of times about this. Go to your room right now'. She's making it into a habit, the same as some little boys walk around fiddling with their pee-pee's. I am not a mom who would allow that either! I say nip it in the bud right now and correct the issue. By sending her away immediately you aren't squashing sexuality at all. You're simply telling her NOT RIGHT NOW! If in the car... pull over... get stern "stop it NOW". You don't need to over explain it to a 4yr old. They just need to know Mom said to STOP!

I have a friend who has this issue with her (now) 7.5 year old daughter. The girl 'rubs' herself and actually gets friction burns on her hands. The mother has explained that this is something we do in private....so if you want to do that, go to your room. Her daughter used to just stick her hands down her pants and start playing (no matter where they were)! The mother just kept calmly reinforcing that we do that in private and now it's not as much of an issue - the girl knows to go to her room.

WE had somewhat of the same problem with our 4 year old boy. we had the "talk" as well and it seemed to help, but I would just keep at with her and tell her that this is NOT appropriate behavior to be doing out in public. Maybe give her a punishment if she doesn't listen like a time out. That way your not punishing her for doing the act but punishing her for not listening to you when you tell her to stop. It is so normal though.

Have there been any other changes in her behavior, anything at all? This seems really odd to me, because it doesn't sound like she is just being curious. I think I would investigate how she learned that this "felt good".

This is a tough one. My daughter went through this at the age of 8 or 9. I was extremely distraught. I was thinking that something may have happened to her at school or latchkey. But...upon further research have learned that it's completely natural. We scratch our backs because it feels good, right? What is the difference? I've asked myself this many times. The difference is that we're worried about what other people will think of us and our children. We are worried that they will think of us as "bad parents". Just continue to tell her that this is not acceptable behavior in public and that she must be in private. You made a very good judgement by telling her that. I assure you that it is just a stage. My daughter is now 12 and she outgrew it within months. Good luck!
R.

I agree with making it an obeying issue. If it feels good to yell, do so outside...if it feels good to sleep, do it in bed...if it feels good to eat, do it at the table...if it feels good to touch her 'pee pee', do it in her bedroom. That way you are not separating that issue from other behaviors, making it 'abnormal'. There is just a time and place for certain things, period. If it really becomes a problem later on, you'll know it but Im sure it's a phase. Also, I'd wait on the 'we save that for our husbands' talk for MUCH later on! If you start to make it sexual, it will become sexual and her mind cannot comprehend that right now. At this point, it's just about obeying.

~L.

All 3 of my children have done something like that. I felt the same way as you - I didn't want them to feel shameful about it, but I didn't want them doing it in public either. I guess most of the time I tried to ignore it if I could, but I did ask my child what she was doing and then explained that it was something that should be done when nobody is around. Then each time it continued when we were in Public I would just firmly say my child's name and she would stop.

I actually remember doing something similar when I was her age. I had no idea about sex of course, I just know it felt good. My mom caught me once and asked me what I was doing and I just said "I don't know" because I didn't. I'm not experiencing it, but I might just ignore and not make an issue of it. Is it hurting anyone? People don't know what she is doing. Let it go. There is nothing "sexual" about it. She cuddles with you and hugs you because that feels good and that is not a problem.(I hope) This will pass. .

Everyone's responses are good. I'd encourage you to investigate the situation (where she learned about doing this...), teach her about appropriate behavior in public (excellent idea by the way) and keep it low key. Not that I don't think this is a SERIOUS issue because though she might just "grow out of it" but I'd not count on that, BUT if you make too big a deal, like shaming her, then she'll just take it into secret and possibly become more obsessed with it.

Masturbation IS sexuality, and once those desires are brought to our attention, a curiosity is started and experimentation begins, the question is where does it end?

I'd explain to her that those feelings are ok and natural, but they are something that is meant for when she's a grown up and married. I'd look into some good books for dealing with this topic for her age group, and maybe even seek the advise of a counselor who works with kids. Mostly I'm concerned with how she handles being asked to stop it. This is OBVIOUSLY very precious to her. Its normal to experiment with this, but not to be rebellious about moving on.

As a kid we had a neighborhood friend who used to undress for us. My brother and I knew this was wrong but enjoyed it as well and when she got caught by her dad we were not allowed to play alone with her anymore. My parents had taught us very early on about sex, it was a very open conversation, they had great books with pictures of how our bodies developed and how sex fit into the equation. I certainly knew that this behavior from my friend was not ok, and being "caught" we never wanted that to happen again. My mom also talked with us about masturbation, I don't remember how exactly because we were little, but something about how it feels good, but it is something special that we save for our husbands... Anyway, I would've been mortified to have my mother ask me to stop doing it! Also my parents were not informed about our behavior with the neighbor girl (and you know we weren't about to confess) and didn't find out about it until years later. So you might want to have a chat with your child's friends parents as well.

Best wishes, this is a tough topic, but hurray for looking for answers!