4 Year Old Acting Up - Santa Rosa,CA

Annoying but perfectly normal.
Try giving choices for things you don't care about - do you want to ride in the shopping cart or hold on to my hand. Do you want to wear the red hat or blue hat. It's time to pick up toys; do you want to pick up the dolls or the tea set first?

Use when/then statements: When we're done picking up toys, we can {watch a show, have a snack, read a book/other enjoyable thing}.

One things that are not optional (usually safety concerns, like holding hands in the parking lot), I say "I know you really want to do X, but it's my job to keep you safe and we need to Y." And insist on it. And yes, some kids will tell you they'd rather be hit by a car than do what you want/need them to.... but they don't really have any idea what that means.

I've found that empathizing helps some. "You're really mad that you have to X," etc. For some kids (like my son), though it doesn't work in the moment.

For other stuff, giving them the thing they want in their imagination can help. Example: You really wanted to have ice cream for snack, but tonight is not ice cream night. But if I could, I'd give you a pile of ice cream as high as the house, and we could invite over the whole neighborhood to go sledding on it and we could eat it up with snow shovels!

If my child was almost hit by a car because they weren't listening, a spanking would have been the consequence. When it's saftey, they get spanked. They are 6, 8, and 10 now and I don't remember the last time any of them needed a spanking, but it sounds like your 4 year old does.

I agree with giving the kids the allusion of power as well. I explain the choices to my kids and then have them repeat them to me. I also tell them what the suspected outcome will be of the choices they make. They get to decide how it goes. 100% of the time they choose the one I want them to, because they get the benefit of something good. They never pick to have a punishment. Give that a try.

But do not let her tell you NO anymore, she's 4 and the child. You be the adult.

Stick to your guns. Part of it is just testing the boundaries but I'm sure she's affected by the stress. Who isn't? Hang in there. Spend some extra time with her making cookies, reading etc. to help her calm down and feel reconnected. Wishing you a wonderful Christmas...

Julie G's answer is great. Giving them choices that are both acceptable makes it easier on everyone. Your daughter doesn't hate you she's just pushing your buttons to see what she can get away with. Another tip I always used was to kneel down so I was at the child's eye level when things weren't going well. Sometimes just touching their chin so they'll make eye contact with you makes a world of difference.

When you open the door of the vehicle you take their hand in yours. YOU don't let go. If she acts up or has a temper tantrum you be the boss and take her on to what ever errands you have to do. AND she goes in the basket for not doing what she's told.

You have to make sure she understands that sometimes she doesn't get to choose. That you're the adult, the parent, and sometimes it's just because "I say so".

Julie G said it well. A four year old by nature is seeking independence and self determination but of course they still need parental control.
Giving her the choice to either behave or miss out (if you hold my hand you can come to the store with me, if not you will stay home with daddy, for example) gives HER the power to make the right decision, and lets her know exactly what you expect and what you will/will not tolerate.
It's much more effective than time outs and other punishments IMO, because you are teaching her how to make good choices and decisions on her own, which is really the whole point of parenting, isn't it?

I agree whole heartedly with Retta. If it's safety issue or a matter of outright disrespect and/or defiance, they get a spanking. I absolutely will not tolerate being spoken to the way your daughter has spoken to you. One time and she would definitely understand that THAT is a line that can't be crossed.

You just described my 3.5 year old boy. He went so far as to hit me and spit (total contrast from my 6 year old daughter). No consequence seemed to work until I tried "Beans". Overnight, he became respectful and listened to me. It takes set up and consistency but I swear by them. Here's how it works:
1. Get a bag of dried beans and a cup your child can decorate.
2. have "circle time" to talk about your frustrations and behavior (i.e.: "Mommy has been struggling with...")
3. Explain that you want to focus more on all the wonderful things your "angel" does and reward that.
4. Explain the rules with plenty of recent examples: " you get a bean for listening, being respectful, making good helpful choices etc. fill in with examples of behavior you want (hold hand in parking lot...). You lose a bean if you don't do those things.
5. Explain that beans can be "cashed out" when ever they want (I do a 40 and 60 bean treasure box with dollar store stuff so that they can choose to save or not. My friend does a penny a bean. You don't have to aim too high. My son was just excited to get beans at first).
6. MOST IMPORTANT: give child 3-5 beans just for listening and participating in the conversation. That way in 5 min when he/she is a brat you can take away a bean.
7. Then just follow through and really look to catch the good. It sounds silly but this transformed my relationship with my son. Now we go to a restaurant and if he isn't listening all I have to say is, "If I have to ask one more time you loose x amount of beans" and he listens.

Good luck and I hope this helps

Are you feeling guilty about your circumstances? (losing job) I ask because you’re projecting onto your DD and it may very well be that she senses your stress level but you are the parent. You set the ground rules and if you allow her to bend them because you’re feeling guilty she will play you like a fiddle.
My children are FAR from perfect but I’ve learned to avoid the pitfalls, leave the store when meltdowns start, even if that means I did not get what I came for, and go home. This past year, having an ADHD child who takes what you say so literal, who is impulsive and has a hard time emotionally regulating I’ve learned that I have to have a routine, to give constant timelines for events and be consistent with the rules & consequences for behaviors. We are working on our own emotional responses as well because yelling accomplishes nothing.
Don’t worry this to shall pass