4 1/2 Year Old Is Always Asking for More How to Stop and Not Jump

It's called 1-2-3 Magic.
Quick read, cheap to buy. Available on Amazon or your local bookseller.. maybe even on e-readers by now, lol.

It will teach you (very easily I might add) to tell your child "no" and then end the whining that seems to inevitably follow.

On another note: if your son is going through a growth spurt, or if his myriad snacks do not have a few grams of protein in them (chips and crackers, veggies and fruit, have practically NONE -- go for cheese, nuts, peanut butter, yogurt, etc)... he WILL be hungry. The protein is what will satiate his appetite. My son goes through phases where he eats non-stop all day... then it'll stop for a few weeks... then it'll happen again for a week or two... It's growth cycles. Been happening for YEARS... he's 12 now. Some ages were more noticeable than others... so watch for that too. I know it's hard, but if you are careful you will notice the pattern and you will be able to figure out if it is just "habit" or "hunger/growth spurt" that is fueling his whines.

:)

I read your question earlier and have noodled on it for a few hours.
I like what other posters have said. I wanted to add a couple things:

First, you are very wise to recognize that you are falling into a pattern that will not work long-term. I read that 'when your are together in the evenings' and am assuming (perhaps incorrectly?) that you are a working mother. I think working parents are even more tempted to fall into the trap of meeting their children's demands because we don't see them all day, and then want our few hours with them to be pleasant, so I get where you are coming from. And you are smart to want to change things now, because I've seen what this looks like when children are older and it just gets uglier.

If it were me, I would offer a solid dinner. After dinner, if he's still hungry, offer ONE (only one!:) ) plate with nutritious foods that you know he doesn't hate. He doesn't have to love them, he just doesn't hate them. Almonds, cheese slices, apples, pears, whole grain crackers,carrots, celery, hard-boiled eggs-- whatever works for you. And then, let your mantra be "This is what I have for you right now." When he whines and asks for other things, you can 'write a list of ideas for other times' but keep reminding him that "this is what I have for you right now", and be firm with it. He's going to likely be upset, because he'll want you to change back to his way of doing things, but you are all done with him being in charge. You are the mom, you are in charge, and you DO know what's best for him, whether he agrees with you or not.

I have a blogpost I wrote a while ago which has some of my favorite 'pat phrases' I use with kids when they get stuck on Whine Mode. Here's the link:
http://skyteahouse.blogspot.com/2010/09/what-to-do-with-w...

Last of all, you suggested a plan for discipline. I really like JoAnne Nordling's "Taking Charge: Loving Discipline Which Works at Home and At School". This book helps parents not just find discipline techniques, but to uncover what's underneath the behaviors we are seeing that we don't like, and then how to address each realm of misbehavior. (There are four). Nordling offers a perspective of balance, empathy for the parent, and a lot of common-sense not-punitive corrections for misbehaviors. I'm a preschool teacher and many of my colleagues also swear by this book. It goes so much deeper than "when they do this, do that" to help parents really get a glimpse into the child's reality. This makes US feel better, too, when we have to discipline, and helps us to become more comfortable and confident in being authoratative parents. This book has had consistently positive user reviews and is required reading for several preschool parent communities.

It does sound, too, like much of the whining is an Attention-Getting behavior, and another way to meet that need for your son is to tell him what you 'are' available to do. "I'm not ready to get out the marble-run right now. If you want to do something with me, let's find a book to read." (or whatever else you want to do with him at that moment) When we acknowledge what's under their nagging and whining, they get that empathetic connection and can sometimes move on.

At other times, too, if you are busy and need to take care of yourself, you can let him know what you need to do now, and when you can help him with what he needs. (there's more on this in my blogpost as well.)

This is long enough and you've gotten some great advice. If you need to tell yourself something, how about "I'm the Mom, and I do know best, even if he doesn't like it! If he was capable of being in charge, he would have hatched out of an egg and walked away!" ;)

H.

tell yourself that you are doing irreparable harm to your son. that being a good mother means having boundaries. that you are creating a selfish young monster who will expect all the women in his life to jump when he snaps his fingers. that part of your job is teaching him to think, to consider others, to be courteous.
of course a behavior plan would be helpful.
start simply. 'from now on we eat at meals. if you are hungry at other times there are granola bars and bananas on the counter. help yourself. but no asking mommy for food when it's not mealtime.'
consequences- if he continues to demand, or melts down when you don't comply, makes sure he understands what will happen. the consequence should be related to the offense and be in line with your family philosophy on discipline.
stick to it.
khairete
S.

I have a 4 yr old as well and can relate. If you don't have regular snack times between meals, schedule them and ask him to think about what he'll want when that time comes. Stick to a schedule but make him a part of the planning so he'll look forward to it. It seems they are so in the "here and now" but luckily are easily distracted, redirected, etc. I tell my son if I can help him with something or if it will have to wait. He must always ask nicely and say please.

I'm also in favor of 1-2-3 Magic and you can get the DVD on Amazon. Very easy, understandable guidelines for parents and we have used with positive results. Good luck--enjoy this fabulous age of innocence!

If he's whining, tell him you can't hear him/understand him unless he uses a nice voice - and ignore his requests until he does.

If you know he's not actually hungry, then distract him with something. It may be that he just wants your attention. Play a game or read a book or draw with him.

Also, I would interpret a 'behaviour plan' as a discipline tool. I could be way off base here, but it sounds like that to me. So you need to decide which behaviours are most important and institute them as rules. Also provide consequences if those rules are broken. Be patient as he adjusts to the new regime :o)

For example, my older daughters have 1 rule for each year of age. So, my 4 year old's rules are 1) Listen to mommy and daddy. 2) Take care of our house and belongings. 3) Be kind and respectful to everyone. 4) Do your best in school. My 2 year old has the same first 2 rules. Because they're still young, I give a warning if a rule is broken and ask them to repeat the rule back to me. Usually that works, but if they do it again then they get a time out.

Honestly, the more my kids whine for something the LESS I want to give in. Yes, it's nicer when everyone's happy....but I really, really can't stand the whining!

Can't you just tell him it is not snack time now. Then when it is snack time ask him what he wants and get it for him. If he doesn't eat it and wants something else remind him he already choose his snack:)

I can not stand whining either! I didn't allow my kids to do it near me. If they were whining I would tell them to start over in a big girl voice. If they didn't want to I would tell them to tell it to the wall in the dining room where I pretended I could not hear it. Same with crying for no good reason. Within a minute or so they would come back speaking nicely.

I have to agree with a plan... or call it a schedule... just like the Supernanny does. Write it all down in time slots. Meal times, snack times, school times, bath times, game times, bed times. When he asks for something to eat, look at the time and if it is snack time or a meal time then go ahead, give him something healthy to eat. If he doesn't eat what you give him, don't give him anything until the next meal or snack. As for finding things, suggest that he finds it on his own, make it a game like hide and seek. He is definately old enough and therefor capable of doing these things on his own. Have him help you out with some chores around the house too... I found that helped my 3 year old. He sets the table for supper, feeds the dogs and makes his bed. If he does these things he gets a sticker to go into his sticker book. Stay firm and strong. He will definately respect you for it later on! Good Luck!