3Yr Old Girl

I liked the DVD, The Happiest Toddler on the Block, by Harvey Karp. He demonstrates step by step how to diffuse or prevent tantrums. Good luck!

Thanks for posting! I call my three year old girl my angel/devil! The devil comes out of nowhere for no reason! Help!

This is very, very typical behavior. You've heard about the "terrible twos"? Well, the "threes" are even worse...and guess what? The "fours", "fives", "sixes" and "sevens" come with their own set of problems. I have 3 kids, 1 boy and 2 girls (ages 10, 7 and 5). From what I've heard and experienced, it just gets more and more challenging as they get older. Discuss what kind of discipline you as parents want to enforce, then stick to it. If you let her get away with unacceptable behavior now, thinking "it's a phase, she'll grow out of it", you may find yourself with a teenager who rules the household. Don't let everything become a battle, let her make her own choices sometimes (like choosing her own clothes, etc), but when it comes to the bigger issues (sharing, being a good friend, showing respect to her parents, etc) help her understand that her choices have consequences and follow through on them. Kids are great at manipulating situations to their advantage and three yrs is old enough to understand consequences (eg: if you don't eat the dinner that's served, you'll be hungry later and I won't be making you a special PBnJ sandwich 2 minutes before your bedtime just because you've now decided to eat something). And no matter how much they say "I don't like you", they don't really mean it. Let it slide off your back. I get "hate" notes from my 7yr old. They usually say "I hate you! Love, Kate". I write back "I hate you, too! Love, Mommy". If you balance your discipline with plenty of love, you're going to get through all of the challenging phases of your daughter's life. Happy Parenting!!

J. -
I'm so sorry to hear of your sweet little girl turning into a typical 3 yr old. I went through the same thing with my girl (now almost 7). We were told by EVERYBODY (even our pediat.)not to worry...she is only testing to see where her boundries are...and how much you will put up with.
We did a lot of different things (including trying Love and Logic Parenting...which I think gives too much freedom to a child, but what do I know).
I think we tried too many things and it just confused her. I suggest picking one form and sticking to it. We tried sending her to her room if she was going to cry, scream etc. she could come down when she was finished. We tried ignoring her (didn't work). We took her favorite toys away from her for a night, day or whatever. This showed the most improvement.
Anyway, don't worry about your sweetheart girl, she will resurface sometime. For my girl, we still struggle with her strong will...although we still see a lot of our angel.
Good luck to you...hope you find some answers.

Hi J.,
Our 2 year old was doing the same thing and my husband and I were going crazy. Our church offers a parenting class and there are a few key things that we have learned that I would like to share with you. For one thing, now you can't be nice and sweety to your child because they see it as they can run all over you. You don't need to yell or be mean but very matter of factly TELL her what she needs to do don't ask her. ANother thing to do and this worked great with our son, in less then a week we had a different child. Find somthing that your daughter loves for example, play with toys, going outside, her blankie etc. or something she hates to do, time out, sitting on her bed ect. When you find something that will make an impact then use it. and be consistant. If you wan ther to claen her room and she throws a tantrum then you say... You need to clean your room now, if you continue to yell I am taking away your barbie and you will not get to play with her for the rest of the day. If she continues then you take the babrie away. As soon as my son saw we were serious he changed his behavior instantly... I hope that made since.
Jess

Sounds like my daughter. She is 4 1/2 now and that little demon is still there, but she has calmed down a lot. you need to be VERY patient and stern. When she does that explain it's not right and is not acceptable and if it continues she'll get a time out. If she continues you need to follow through. We set our daughter in the corner by the front door facing the wall because it's the only place in our home that's somewhat secluded from the rest. She will scream at first. With our daughter we told her that her time out didn't start until she calmed down so the longer she screamed the longer she'd be there. It took a few times, but she got the point. I know how hard it is to see your little angel turn into a little devil, but it does get better.

The best advice I can give you is to NOT RESPOND to her temper fits. Just say calmly, "I wish you wouldn't act that way. That's not how big girls act. When you are ready to talk to us with your big girl voice, I would be happy to listen." Then walk away. Obviously make sure she is safe (not hitting her head on anything or whatnot) but other than that give her no attention (negative or positive) when she acts this way. The technical term for what she is doing is "negative attention seeking behavior". She just wants your attention, regardless of how she gets it. What you need to do is only give her positive attention. She will learn that making good choices brings better rewards and that acting out doesn't get her the attention she wants anyway. When she uses her words to talk about her feelings or makes a good choice be sure to reward her for it with praise and positive attention. In the meantime, try not to take it personally (it is never easy to hear your sweet little child tell you that they don't like you but she doesn't mean it) or just give in so she will stop. As for getting your sweet little girl back, all you can do is wait. She'll grow out of this phase (as long as you don't give into it) and then you'll have another 10 years before you have a teenager doing the same thing. :) Take care!

Oh, she is challenging you.
Being a full time working Mother is very hard, believe me AI know.
She wants to see if you will really make her do what you want her too.
Just let her through her taqntrum, but put her in ehr room to do it.
When she is done, let her out.
If she starts it again, put her back in her room.
Soon she will realize that certain behavior has consequences.
Make sure you spend time with her that just belongs to her.
A child must know that you have time for them, that they are important also.
That's my spin, Good Luck honey.

Are you familiar with Love and Logic?

I can't think of the authors' names, but I think it was really helpful and still do. My church actually had a Love and Logic class, if you can find one near you I highly recommend it.

My daughter and I went through the exact same thing when she turned three. It was like she KNEW that she was three and something was different. For us, three was definitely worse than two, but now that she is almost 4, things are getting better because I can reason with her. We both had to take a lot of time outs, not necessarily for discipline, but because we kept butting heads. Instead of battling with her, I would tell her that she couldn't leave her room until she complied with whatever I needed her to do. Sometimes it took awhile, but she always came around,and without so much effort on my part! Good luck!

Hi J., I have a 3 year old girl also. She is the sweetest little angel...except when she's not. Lately we've been having issues with just about everything. I would highly suggest purchasing the Parenting with Love and Logic book for this age range. It was loaned to me by a friend, but it can be had on Amazon. It's th one for 6months to 6 years. It has saved my sanity! I've only implemented some of the methods the last couple of days and it works immediately. For example, instead of arguing about her putting her boots one, I say: "do you want to wear your purple boots or your blue boots?" or "do you want noodles or sweet potato for your dinner?" it gives her some control and lets her THINK about what she wants rather than just saying no to whatever it is I'm telling her to do.
Also, the struggles with getting dressed and mealtimes are handled much differently. If she doesn't do what I need her to do, I say: 'UH OH! Looks like it's time for a little thinking time" and put her in her room (or my room) where she stays until she's ready to cooperate. It has worked every time. The whole concept is brilliant and really works. Immediately! Not only that, you are helping your child make decisions for herself and learn about consequences for her actions.
The last 2 days have been heaven for us. Getting ready, mealtimes, bedtime. All just fine. Already, if she's not behaving and I say "UH OH!" she will do what we asked.
It's fantastic! I am so much happier!
I hope this helps. If there is a way to respond, feel free to, if I can give anymore tips.
M. E

Oh, boy! It's the age. My son was the sweetest little boy ever, also. SO helpful, and obedient, polite..... He turned 3 four months ago and we're having the same problems. He won't do what we ask. He's told me he doesn't love me. I don't know what to do about it either, but remain patient and tell him I understand that he's frustrated, mad, whatever. I tell him that as a family, we are kind and helpful to each other. The thing is, he's still his sweet ol' self when we're out in public or strangers are around. They're just testing their limits and exploring making their own decisions. Good luck to you. Your sweet little girl is still in there. She's just growing up! I'm going to check back on the advice you get to see if I can't use some of it myself!

Oh yeah. I saw one lady called her daughter the devil/angel. My husband calls our son our Bi-Polar Bear. Happy, mad. Lovey, hateful. Generous, stingy.

My twins three in November, and I feel the same thing has happened. They throw fits now, NO is said a lot to me, throwing things, etc... We are working on helping our girls to identify their feels right now. "OH, your mad because mommy told you NO, or your disappointed because it's time to go to bed, or your tired, etc.... I am crossing my fingers it will help. We are also having to do more time outs and set a few more limits.

Two of the BEST parenting resources I have come across and used with my children are:

#1. The Parenting Series from Liberty Church in Marietta, Georgia. Our friends who have four WONDERFULLY behaved children and a peaceful home recommended this series to us when we were struggling a bit with our five. You can listen to the teachings online and also print out follow-along sheets with blanks for each lesson. They also have a ten series. I'm just telling you that I have never seen or used anything this effective. I hope you will have the same results. Here is the link:

http://www.libertychurch.org/streaming/audio/topical_seri...

Just scroll down to "Parenting" and there will be a series from birth to 5 and from 6 to teen. That is where you will find both the recordings and the overview handouts to print. There are tons of other resources there, but this is an excellent start.

#2. The Growing Kids God's Way series by Gary and Anne Ezzo. It is actually a 14 week course that we have taken several times through our church in MI. I am not sure if they have an organization in AZ, but below is a link to their website which is full of resources and links. Even if you were to invest into the full curriculum and go through the material as an individual rather than a class it would be well worth the results, and you could always share the information with other families. Here is that link:

http://www.gfi.org/index.htm

I wish you the best! :)

Hello J., when i read this i immediatly knew i had to respond. I have a little boy about to be 2 years old on the 28th of htis month. He used to be so sweet and just the littlest things. He used to suck on a pacicfier and he has an older brother who is 3 and he sucked one too. When his brother turned 3 i vowed to take them away because the 3 yr old was just too big, and i figured if i was breaking one i mine as well break the other. It seemed as if the week or so after they were gone, he started acting up, and throwing fits, hitting, yelling, screaming at the top of his little lungs. I am not sure if his pacifier kept him nice and content, but it seems to me from him losing it, he gained an attitude. Has anyting been taken from her that she really liked? Just a thought. Take care, A.

funny, my 3 yr old neice started doing the same thing. i keep her most holidays and all summer , whenever there is no school because my brother is a single dad. i tired the 1.2.3 thing and she would just say 4,5,6 andkeep doing whatever. so i just picked her up and put her in the time out chair and explained to her that she had hurt my feelings or that she had disappointed me by not doing what i asked and had to stay there for 5 minutes. she didnt like it and it only took about a day before she started to do somethign or say somethign and then stopped herslef and looked at the time out chair and then stopped herself from doing whatever. i guess at this age they are very self centered and its all about me me me. but year, i agree with the moms that said you have to stop it now because you will end up with a horrible teenager. my nices step sister is 14 and she is horrible. disrespectful, rotten, rude and spoiled. i bet no one ever put her in a time out chair when she was 3

It could just be a phase she is going through. Don't give her "I don't like you!" any power. Tell her, "It's okay that you feel that way, but I love you!" It may take a few weeeks for those nasty words to disappear, but if she isn't getting a hurt response from you, and you reinforce that you love her no matter what, you'll see a change! Both of my children went through this at different times and we got through them in a couple weeks. It is one of the most trying two weeks I have had to endure with each of them, but my loving children did come back! =) It is actually good for her to be able to express herself and find a way for her to deal with her anger and disappointments. A friend of mine would tell her daughter to go to her room when she wanted to throw a fit. She would shut her door and scream it out. When she was done, she would come out like nothing had ever happened. It worked for her daughter. She knew that it was an acceptable place for her to let it out, so she would send herself there on her own after a while. Good luck finding what works for you and your family. Hang in there! It too shall pass...

My son did the exact same thing when he turned 3. (We also had a baby then, which I'm sure didn't help.) He is still a real challenge and we work hard on managing his behavior. We have come to learn that this is just his temperament - stubborn and independent. My suggestion would be to try to think about her personality traits in a positive way. After all, being stubborn and independent serves adults well in many ways. (I keep telling myself that . . . .) Make sure you and your husband are on the same page w/r/t discipline. We rely heavily on the tips suggested in "Setting Limits with Your Strong Willed Child" by Robert MacKenzie - in fact I'm re-reading it now and our son is 6! Basically, don't get involved in big back-and-forth discussions, shouting matches, angry comments said out of frustration, etc. Just tell her your rules in a clear fashion and when she "tests" them (MacKenzie suggests thinking of your child as a little scientist conducting experiments with their behavior), calmly apply the consequence, which ideally flows naturally from the misbehavior (or could just be a time out). For example, when they refuse to get ready in the morning without lots of pestering and reminders, just tell them "we are leaving in 20 minutes", and when they aren't dressed, just put their clothes in a bag and have them get dressed in the car. Even telling our son that would happen was enough to get him dressed in a flash! Good luck, I feel your pain! Finally, you may need to "mourn" the loss of the ideal child a bit too, which is perfectly normal and understandable.

I, too get,"I don't like mommy" from my 3 year old. I say "oh well" and put her in her room until she can apologize for what she has done. She is slow to do what we say and I have found too That a 1,2, 3 works well . But be sure that after 3 she gets the consequence. Choices are also very good. She thinks long and hard even during a tandrum of what she really wants. Good luck to all of us with the "I don't like Mommy" phase. I'm sure when she is a teenager it will get worse. But I know she still will love her mom. Because I won't let her forget that I love her.

Hi J.,

I understand what you are experiencing. My almost 3 1/2 year old does some similar stunts and I have mentioned it to other moms in our play group and appears this is pretty common. Most of it comes from the child devloping their own personality and they now understand the meaning of making their own decisions and forming their own opinions. They also have discovered what it means to push mommy's buttons to elicit a reaction.

When I first noticed changes, I reacted which is what she wanted, it gave her some control. Now when she tries this I don't react and tell her that we will talk when she can use her friendly words. I go about my business and don't acknowledge her until her tone and choice of words improve -she will continue for a short period and try to elicit a response. It becomes a battle of wills but she eventually moves on to something else or I create a positive distraction and the issue is done with.

I am having success with this technique as the occurrences are less and less and we now can sit and talk about things versus her getting upset. We still have our moments but for the most part they are resolved pretty easily now. Guess it is just a phase and once this phase is over the next phase kicks in. Can hardly wait - lol.

Good luck,

L.

This is the first time that I have been compelled to respond... it is TOTALLY NORMAL and unfortunately you have a long year ahead. Everyone warns you about the "terrible twos" but I find 3 to be much harder! My daughter is 3.5 and it is totally open defiance. They are really learning about independence and trying t control their environment. We have been using 'Love and Logic' with her, and it helps a lot. I bought the Love and Logic preschooler book - which gears the Love and logic principals to a younger child's level. We give her lots and lots of (irrelevant) choices through out the day - like do you want to wear a red shirt or a blue shirt, do you want to play with paint or playdo, do you want your green plate or your yellow plate. The idea is all these controlled choices make her feel like she is more in control of her environment, and theoretically is more open to when you have to make a choice for her. I say at bedtime - " you got to make LOTS of choices today, wasn't it fun? Now it is Mommy's turn, and it is time for bed."

It does not always work, we also do a lot of timeouts... but it has helped a lot. Hope this helps you - three is justa really challenging age - but a very important one, as they are really developing their personality and their world view. It requires a lot of patience - I really recommend the book - I re-read it almost every week!!!

Good luck

From what I can gather from my friends this is not uncommon around this age. My son did the same thing right around turning 3 and it lasted about a month. I think they start to test independence a little. I dealt with it w/ a lot of humor and if he got too naughty he would have to go to his room to think about it. I let him decide when he was ready to come out(cause and effect). That worked really well for us. Unless as the other mother suggested a major change in her world, I would just stay calm, yet firm. If she is in daycare she might be mirroring behaviors she is seeing. Talk to her teacher. It does not last forever. Just be compassionate and consistant in how you interact with her.
Good luck rememeber she is watching how you react to her.

YES! I swear that 3 days after my daugher turned 3, it has been a battle ever since. Tons of people have told me that 3 is worse that 2 and it is! She talks back, she refuses to do things we ask of her, she goes through these times when she won't talk to either of her grandparents. It is driving me crazy! I think this is just her way of preparing us for the tween and teenage years. It will pass, just stick to your guns and don't back down on dicipline. Walk away and totally ignore her when she throws a fit, that always works for me! Good Luck!

Hold on tight... it will be a rough ride. Most kids don't hit the "terrable twos" the hit it at 3. They are letting go of the baby and picking up the big kid. That is a tough thing for kids to do. My first was just this way. I swear she had been replaced with a completely different kid. By the time she was 4 she started to out grow the behavoirs and was back to her sweet self. My second daughter started at 2y 3m and went until she was 4. Stick to your guns on the topics that are important and remember that you run the house not her. My girls spent a lot of time in their rooms during their fits. And I spent a lot of time breathing deep trying to not lose it my self.

I wish you good luck.

I found out that it should be the "terrible 3's" instead of "terrible 2's". My advice is to be consistent with what works for you discipline wise, whether it is time-out, etc. It seems at 3 they are testing to see what they can get away with and trying to be a little more independent. We got our sweet little girls back almost to the day they turned 4.

THis sounds normal to me. I recommend a parenting series by Louise Bates Ames. Your Three-Year Old is subtitled "Your friend or Enemy" In the series, Ames explains developmental cycles in the parent-child relationship...rebelling and settling down...seeking separation and autonomy and seeking closeness and inclusion. It helped me understand my three year old.

Trial and error! I found a few phrases and things that worked in phases like this. If she says something mean like "I hate you!" I say "I'm sorry you feel that way," and go about what needs to be done. (Don't engage.) It helps when I act like, 'hey, that's the rule,' or 'but it's bath night,' or 'well, 8:00 is bedtime,' kind of like it's out of our hands, and not just ME bossing her. She also responded to "losing priveleges" more than any other threat.
And I find that giving specific and random praise makes her feel like she can behave well, especially if it's something you didn't have to ask for. "You were so patient when I was on the phone--thank you so much!" or, "Oh my gosh! Did you pick up all those toys? So helpful!" Or brag about their good behavior to gramma on the phone when you know she's listening. It seems to set up their own expectation a little higher. Good luck and it will get better!

Be patient, she's asking you for guidelines, so be gentle but firm, it will pass.

My experiences were that 3 years old was waaaaay worse than the "terrible twos". I swear that the day that my daughter turned three all hell broke loose in my home. My grandfather who is a pediatrition describes 3 year olds as "psychotic dwarves with a good prognosis", lol. What I'm saying is that I believe her behaviors are pretty normal for this age. What you need to worry about is letting her get control of the situation because she won't forget it. When she has her fit (that's all it is, one big fit), you need to address it appropriately and not "cave" to what she wants which may simply be attention. When my daughter threw fits we put her in her room and closed the door. The rule was she could come out whenever she was done...30 seconds or 30 minutes. If she came out and started back with the drama she went straight back into her room. This worked really well for us. You have to be strong enough to let them work through it though. As a society we've formed this notion that if our kids are crying they aren't happy...the news is they don't have to be happy all the time. I've heard of other people using time out (you may have to stay with the child) or even just ignoring fits. You will have to wait and see what works for you. Also, when she says that she doesn't like you, that's manipulation...pure and simple. She knows it hurts you and she's hoping that it will make you give in to her wants. Be strong, it won't last forever, but the sooner...and firmer...you deal with the situation, the better :).

You can't do anything, reall, it is quite a normal stage...happened with my son too...she is asserting her independance and trying to form her own personality and boundaries...I would say hang in there...the new and the old will meld together eventually. I would not accept her saying that to you and your husband however....it is so important to teach them how to treat others with respect...

J.,
I feel fo you. That happened to us too. She skipped the terrible two's but has made up for it in the 3's. My daughter is now 3 1/2. She knows what the time out step is now. That works well for us. She really does not like it. I am sure that you have tried it already, but it you haven't, give it a try. No longer than 3 minutes once they stop crying. That was my problem in the beginning. She cried for 3 minutes instead. But now she has to be a good girl for 3 before she is allowed to get up. We don't have time out as much now.
If she has a tantrum in a public place, I always take her outside or into another room so that I don't bother the people around me. We either sit on a step or a sidewalk, if necessesary. I will always explain to her why she is there, even though I've been told that she understands perfectly.
Good luck and I hope that you get a lot of helpful responses.
S.

I remember when my son turned 3 he was suddenly a different child! He was mean, defiant and pretty rotten. Here's the good news-it lasted about 3 months. We were consistent with expectations and consequences. I seem to remember lots of timeouts and lots of tears! He grew out of it and is now a very sweet loving boy. Good luck!

My 3 yr old did the same thing right around her 3rd birthday. She's going to be 4 this month - the temper tantrums are legendary and the attitude! "Whew" - 3-4 has definitely been the hardest year with our daughter. I'm hoping 4 is better. Good luck.

Other than turning three has there been any significant changes in her life that may have "caused" this behavior?

I would recommend to be firm, stand your ground. Talk to her by explaining you know how she feels and that you know she wants a piece of candy (for example) but that she can't have one until after dinner. I do this with my two year old and it seems to work well.

If she throws a fit in a store, I count, and if by the count of three she isn't complying, then she gets spanked and/or put in her cart.

And sometimes I just have to let her cry it out.