I have a 3.5 yr old son who is generally very easy-going and well-behaved. He's been in the same daycare/preschool since 9 months - he has good friends and teachers there. During the last month he's gotten "in trouble" 3 times and has received appropriate consequences (i.e., going to the quiet area, etc.). He's never gotten "in trouble" before but that doesn't really concern me because I think he's just testing boundaries/seeing what will happen. But whenever I ask him about it, he refuses to talk to me about it. I've reassured him that I will still love him and he won't get into any more trouble by telling me what happen. I think it's pretty normal that he doesn't want to tell me about these things but I was just wondering what you moms have done that was successful in trying to coax a small child to tell you the truth about an uncomfortable situation. Maybe it's asking too much of him, but he's generally very good at talking about and describing events, I just want to help him feel more comfortable talking to me about these things.
he may be a bit young for this, but at dinner, we play a game called "Happy, Sad, Silly, Mad" where we all share something from each emotion that happened to us that day. If he hears you sharing "sad and mad" events, maybe he will do the same.
When you put him down tonight lie down beside him. Just start talking about the day and anything else. Gently steer the conversation towards school and him getting in trouble. You may be surprised how much you can find out. This is a technique I started with my boys when they were little. Like your son, they never really would give me the full scoop. I have found that in the cover of darkness and in the intimacy of just the two of you lying there they will open up so much. And I still do it with my boys almost every night-it has become a ritual that they look forward to. And it is still how I find out the most information about them.
I suggest that you not ask him directly. And....I wouldn't necessarily use the word trouble. It has a negative connotation which he might be reacting to. Have you tried asking him in general terms to talk about his day and perhaps prompt him by making a general statement about the situation.
Let him talk about it when he wants to. If after a day or two he still hasn't brought it up, I'd describe what you know and then let it drop. By your recounting, in a calm way, what you understand happened he knows that you've accepted it and thus him.
My grandchildren usually say something like, "I don't want to talk about it," and then later, out of the blue, will tell me what happened. They are older, 7 and 10 but they've been this way for several years.
UNless it made an indelible mark on his psyche he's already forgotten.
If he is consistently in trouble and in trouble at home then it's a learned behavior and needs to be dealt with.
Plus if you give attention to his naughty things he will do them more often for more attention from you.
Try talking with him before bed.
For my kids, (both boy and girl), when it is dark, and they are winding down... and I am with them, (they like to chat before bed), they tell me all kinds of things.
It is their 'bonding' time and thing.
I think... it has something to do with, the room being dark, them all cozy in their beds, and then they just tend to chat and ramble on about things about their day. I never use this time to 'lecture' them or scold them etc. They just like to chat.
They tell me all kinds of things/thoughts/ideas/feelings etc.
Maybe, that will work with your son.
all the best,
Susan
Getting info out of kids isn't easy. I usually get the best info at bedtime when my son is relaxed and he wants me to lay down with him. He says "let's talk about school" to get me to stay longer and he usually talks about the bad stuff then. During the day he doesn't want to talk too much about school. Or you nan say, "I heard you had a time out today at school" and maybe he'll tell you then.
Good luck!
I have found with coaching other parents that allowing the consequences and limits to correct the behavior works best.
Talking with with your young son is best when you're both feeling good. You already described the solution in your response, "he's generally very good at talking about describing events" allow him to go at his own pace. Sounds as if the preschool is handling it. I know we women want to "talk" about everything; that seems to be how we are build. My experience having raised a son and working in all male industry, they don't appear to want to "talk" as much as we do.
At this age, he's too young to "talk about it". Developmentally, it happend "a long time ago" and it was dealt with. If the situations are minor, they may not really stick out because he gets time outs at home, etc. and you don't talk about that at the end of the day. I wouldn't worry. I have an almost 4 year old and he doesn't talk about much unless it REALLY sticks in his head.
I agree with Mallory, you just need to use some psychology to weasel his day out of him. Maybe tell him a littls story about how YOU got in trouble today. Example: Guess what happened to mommy today? I was at the store standing in line to pay for the milk and a lady was behind me but I didnt know she was there. I moved a little bit because I wanted to see a magazine that was on the rack and I accidentally stepped on her toe! She got a little bit mad at me and said "hey lady, what did you do that for?!", so I told her I was sorry and I felt bad, but it was just an accident but I got in trouble for it any way..!" How was your day today, did anyone get mad at you for some stuff?" Lead him into it and he'll spill his guts :)
I wonder because their attention is so short at this age that in his mind "it is Over" so he wants to move onto the next thing. He had his consequence so it's all over in his mind. I wonder for those parents who are psychologists if this puts too much attention on what he has done wrong. Talk up the things he has done right and if he does the behavior at home that he did at school that got him in trouble be consistent with your discipline like the school is so it is reenforced.
kiwimama1 got it right - for us, it's a crapshoot. my son is 4 and he's just as likely to tell me he got in trouble as he is to tell me he got a treat for being good. not that often! then there are their tiny screwy perceptions of things - for a week straight he told me he didn't want to go to school because "no one" liked him, or "no one" played with him - i asked his teacher about it and she kind of laughed, saying a lot of kids go through that phase and as far as she had seen, he hadn't been having any trouble at all playing with everyone. but maybe someone had told him one time that they didn't want to play what HE wanted to, or something...who knows. by the time we pick them up, what happened three or four hours ago might as well have been last week in their minds. when my son has stated that he got in trouble (and one time he said something that was flat out backwards, in front of his teacher, and she had to correct him and say, "no adan, you didn't get in trouble, so-and-so did" - but my interpretation was that maybe he got stern words or a look and it, in his mind, was "getting in trouble".) i will just say, "well did you get a time out?" and if he says "yes," or whatever, then say something like, "well you know that doing that will get you a time out, so we'll just try harder next time, won't we? we have to remember not to do that!" and that's the end of it. in a year or so, you'll see him remembering more details, although mine is 4 and he still gets things screwy sometimes, so just take that with a grain of salt. i heard a saying once that i thought was great, from a teacher, "i promise to only believe half of what they tell me about home, if you promise to only believe half of what they tell you about school." your best bet is to communicate with his teachers - start now! good luck!
