3 Yo Acting Out

Choose a punishment for disobedience and stick with it. 3 is a tough age. My son spent what seemed like the entire year on time out. Now at 5 he is a great kid. She is testing the limits so you have to be consistant so she knows that when she does A (bad behavior) B (predictable punishment)will happen everytime. Don't worry, she will grow out of it.

She sounds like a normal three year old - very frustrating, I know! My daughter is three, too. Personally, I am strongly against the "make her do it" doctrine in general, whether it is by consequence or spanking or bribes or whatever. Obviously, she needs to wear her seat belt properly, and I would stay firm on that line, but I would take a much more nonchalant response to things like putting toys away. My girl is generally quite responsible with things like this, but she can also be really obstinate sometimes. In those times, I find what she really wants is attention. So, I give her that attention in positive ways. Sometimes I make a game of putting the toys away. Sometimes I just pick her up and spin her around til we are both dizzy and laughing. After she gets that attention, she usually puts her toys away on her own. The quality of my relating with my daughter is what is most important to me - I enjoy my girl tremendously, and I don't find the power struggles worth it unless there is something really important at stake.

I HIGHLY recommend taking Love and Logic classes. You can call the Love and Logic company at 800-588-5644 to get the contact info for people who teach classes in your area (I just called and a real person answered right away and was very helpful).

The Love and Logic approach is all about tough love--being firm and consistent in letting children suffer the natural (logical) consequences of their actions, while doing so in a very gentle and loving way, having true empathy in your heart. My mom parented this way, and I really appreciate my upbringing. I feel she was a very effective and loving parent who helped prepare us for the real world. And make sure you choose your battles carefully and avoid being too controlling. This is a struggle for me, but I realize these toddler years are a dress rehearsal for teenagedom and this is a great time for me to practice letting go of the small things.

If classes aren't available near you, check out some Love and Logic materials at the local library for free or buy them at www.loveandlogic.com. Here are some I recommend: a seminar on DVD "Painless Parenting for the Preschool Years," the book "Parenting with Love and Logic." They also have some great CDs full of wonderful advice and real-life applications that you can listen to in the car while driving.

Hi B. - they all do it!! I don't believe in terrible 2's, I think its terrible 3's because they
really know what is going on now and they act out to get it. Use the "pick your battles" rule, if its not that big a deal then just do what makes her and all who are around her happy - you can't fight them all.
I am a mother of a 4 & 1/2 year old boy and 3 1/2 year old girl (he was the worst, and she is a little better)
It will get better!
good luck
L.

THere has to be something that she likes to do well enough to miss it if it is taken away. A three-year-old, obviously, can think about things and choose her actions. If she does not pick up her things by the time the timer rings, then she cannot do her chosen activity. THe same with the seat belt - and crying is not an option - same thing. Kids are like horses, when you put them in a corral, they test every link of the fence to make sure it is secure, then they are happy and run around inside it. If they find a weak link, they run at it until it breaks and then they are not happy. Don't react to her crying except to tell her that she can't do or watch (whatever she likes). If you give her one chance, don't change it - if you give her three chances, don't change it. Whatever you decide is the rule, be consistent - don't show her a weak link in the fence. Example: Tell her before you get in the car that you expect her to put on her seatbelt correctly and you also expect her not to cry. When you get back from the trip, you will play a game with her (chosen activity). If she doesn't do it correctly, then she won't get to have all that fun with Mommy. Then, if she puts in on incorrectly (and she will the first time to be sure that the link is not weak), tell her she has until you count to ten to do it right. Don't give in! Be consistent! It really will help!

Keep strong mom. If you give in now what will you have on your hands when she is 16. I have 5 children that are now 23 to 12. I also have a preschool and Daycare in Apache Junction. So I have training in early childhood. You need to make a solid stand if she does not pick up the toys then she does not get to play with toys. I have even stood behind a child taken a hold of their hands and helped them pick up. With my oldest daughter I bagged up everything in her room and she had to earn everything back. Require her to pick up one toy before getting something else out. You have to be the boss and let her see that you won't put up with misbehavior. You can tell her you love her to much to let her behave this way. Then stand up to her. With the seat belt tell her if she doesn't wear the seat belt properly she can't go with you in the car. This is a safety issue. Children need boundaries and they feel secure when they know where the boundaries are. There will be a few hard weeks since she knows she has been getting away with this behavior. She will test the boundaries occasionally. But life will get better after she knows where she stands.
N.

Three year olds are at the height of their defiance at this age.

Try thinking about how she is being corrected. Does the correction feel overwhelming to her? Are you reacting to her behavior or are you responding? Does she get punished or taught what she should be doing instead.

Please take a look at my website, there are two short audio seminars that will help you. One is a loving responding teaching version of timeout that's in seminar #2, and the other one shares a wonderful way to teach a preschooler how to stay in their car seat, stay close in stores, and more, that's in seminar #8.
Go to www.proactiveparenting.net.
All our online and live seminars are priced perfectly for our the economic slump we are experiencing.
Remember this is the time in life when all children need clear boundaries. It is so important for this time in life but also so important for the next developmental stages as well.
Good Luck- The Mommie Mentor

Can I ask why your child at the age of 3 is wearing a seatbelt and is not still in a car seat or booster seat? Even my five year old niece is still in a booster due to her size.
As for getting her to stop acting out the only thing that has ever helped with my children is positive redirection. And when that didn't wrok. a nice trip to time out or loosing privledges. When they have really bad attitudes...off to their room. I will nto put up with attitudes. I should not have to I am the mom and thus the controller..

Stay strong and let her cry. Use spanking if needed. usually if parents will fight the good fight, the fight will last only a week or two. When children understand there is consistency in the boundaries and won't try so hard to fight them. Respond with praise when you see her doing what she should be doing. Praise her when she helps out (even if it is after a spanking). We also use Biblical verses to help show that it is God's rules that guide parenting (Children, obey your parents; Do everything without complaining or arguing..." ) Good luck! Hold tight and strong and be consistent. It will not last!

Hi there, in January, there is going to be a parenting series that starts with Understanding your Two to Five Year Old that might be really helpful for you. There will be monthly sessions and you can pick and choose which ones are of interest to you:
http://www.bodymindandspiritabq.com and see the CLASS calendar starting in January.

THere is another one time session coming up next week that you might like at Mountain Mohagany.
http://www.mountainmahogany.org/

3 is a hard age. Good luck!

Good Morning B., Sounds like your 3 year old is very normal. However, you don't have to let her control the situation or you, which is what she is trying to do. Know that is what she is doing. With the toys you may want to sit on her floor and direct her or tell her once, calmly and the second time just as calmly tell her again and this time add a consequence, third time is a consequence calmly. Then she can come back and try again. Keep doing this. Time is on your side, just don't let her get the best of you, which is what she wants to do. She is trying to get you to loose it and make her. All you are doing are giving her choices and empowering her. If she gets angry just remind her that it is her choice . Seat belt. You can handle the same way. I actually do stop until they fix their belt. Just lay the choices out before her and stick with it. Parenting is not easy. I once her this quote, " I have seen the enemy and it is the little people who live at our address". Good luck and don't let her get the best of you. She just is going to need some extra direction and training and may spend a lot of time in time out for awhile.

She gets your attention faster, and more of it, when she is defiant. Try more positive feedback, every time she listens or does anything right. It may get annoying for you, but she will see there are betters ways to get and keep your attention, and that it can be more fun to be good. She is too little to figure this out, thats your job.

Wow B., You have a normal 3yr old so don't feel alone. You must remember that YOU ARE THE PARENT, FIRST AND FOREMOST. If she will not pick her toys up then tell her that she has X amount of time and if they are not done by then and by herself, they will be taken away. DO NOT GIVE OUT THREATS THAT YOU HAVE NO INTENTION OF CARRYING OUT. If she still refuses to pick them up then go get a box from the garage (preferably one you have ready) and load the toys into it. If she starts to act out then tell her she can pick them up or you will continue to do it and they will go away and she will not be able to play with them. If she goes to her room and sulks for the rest of the day then let her. You tell her that you love her but you will no longer accept this behaviour from her. This is emotional blackmail on her part and because you don't want to have your child mad at you then you will give in. That has to stop. She is three years old, she will soon learn that you mean what you say and that if she wants to be in a bad mood that's fine, but she stays in her room, she doesn't come out and make everybody else's life miserable. It may take a while as i don't know how long this behaviour has been going on but stick with it and each time she does pick up stuff that she has been playing with, then give her back ONE of her toys from before. That way she will see the benefit of picking up after herself.
As for the seatbelt issue. Your childs safety is paramount. If she will not wear her seatbelt correctly then turn around and come back home and she goes to her room. Try doing this on occasions at first where you don't have to be at an appointment so when you have to come back home you are not frazzled out by it but she doesn't know that. Make a date with her to take her and her sibling to the park in the car. If she won't wear the seatbelt turn around and come home. You will have to keep doing this even though it is a major pain in the butt, but again, you are the parent, she is bullying you. It's not a nice feeling to think that your child is doing that to you but it is a natural step to her pushing the bounderies.
I would also suggest a five point harness seatbelt but at three she can probably undo that. If she can't then put her in one.If she cries then hard as it is, ignore her. You and your 6yr old start singing nursery rhymes or singing to a CD. She will soon get fed up with being left out. But remember, praise her when she does what you ask.
There is no easy answer to any of this but then neither is there an easy answer to parenting. As much as we love our kids there is always going to be something that we will struggle with about what they are doing. Safety comes first no matter what. Respecting your wishes about the toys and being prepared to stick with it will be rewarded in the end.

Good luck.
S.

Just curious, but what is your 3-year old doing with a cross belt seat belt? She should be in a 5-point harness car seat! If she's not wearing the belt correctly, she should NOT be in a booster if that what you have her in no matter what her size! Her life is in danger, as she is not ready for a booster seat! Put her back in a 5-point harness seat ASAP until she can understand why she has to wear it!

In regard to your struggle with her helping clean up, that's pretty typical for a three year old. My daughter is almost 3 and my son is 6 and and what helped them want to clean up at that age is when I made it a game. We sing the Clean Up song and make it a race to see who can clean up the most toys first. Give it a try. She's doing a power struggle right now, so instead of working against her (which is what she is thinking), make it fun so she'll want to help. Good luck.

My daughter at 3 was also very defiant. We ended up using a technique I call "1-2-3", I heard of it from a friend. Basically, when your daughter is disobeying repeat your instruction in a stern voice, "Pick up your toys and put them in the toy box" If she doesn't respond you start counting "1", also in a stern voice, if no response, "2", if no response "3" and then punishment- time out, loss of toys, whatever you decide is appropriate. I don't remember ever explaining the process to my daughter, one day I just started counting. It only took a couple times of me getting to 3 and her receiving a punishment before she caught on. To this day whenever my daughter, now 4, doesn't follow orders all I have to do is say "1" in that stern voice and she quickly does what is asked of her.
Good luck, discipline is so tough, but necessary for our sanity and the development of the child. Hang in there.