3 Year Old Wakes at 4, Will Not Go Back to Sleep

Hi L.

I am wondering if maybe you shouldn't see the help of a psychologist who is more familiar with adopted children. You say you adopted 7 months ago, does that mean you have only had her living with you for 7 months, or was she a foster child that you had from infancy? If she was a toddler when you adopted her and brought her home, she could be having other things going on here. Attachment issues are a big thing to deal with. Also, I have read about children who are adopted from an "orphanage" setting whose brains have a period of rapid development when adopted because there is much more stimulus than they have ever experienced. Their brains are making synapses that weren't there before and the babies can't regulate this and have sleep issues. I think you should seek a professional and find out how to handle this so you can be informed because from things I have read this is very hard to handle and is beyond a normal " wakful child" problem.

No, I haven't adopted, I just read a lot... lol.

I feel your pain! My son is a HORRIBLE sleeper. They say most kids this age need at least 10 hours of sleep a night to function. WRONG! My guy is 2 and a half and has never been a good sleeper. He usually sleeps 7 to 8 hours a night and takes a 2 hour nap everyday. Sometimes for about a week at a time he will wake up at like 3 or 4am and be wide awake,talking and laughing. We co-sleep as well. I think it just comes down to some kids not needing as much sleep as recommended.

Sleep patterns are forever changing. He is getting better the older he gets but it's still rough and I'm almost always tired. I don't really have a solution for you but just wanted to let you know I'm on the same page and i know exactly what you are going though. Hopefully,the 3am wakings are only lasting a week or so! Goodluck and thanks for starting this thread. I'm curious to hear from other mom's who can relate.

Could she be depressed? If she was adopted, did she go through hard times before? This may be not much to do with you, and more to do with previous experiences that she is having trouble processing because she is so young. Also, although you are sleeping together, she still could be a bit insecure about a few things... So difficult with sleep. We struggle a lot too. I definately find my son sleeps better when both he and I have been happy, relaxed and have had a nice time together. He sleeps worse if there is any kind of stress going on in the house... doesn't mean I can always fix it, but it does help me to empathise. Best of luck!

First, you mentioned she is adopted. What was her life like before you? I know you make her feel safe and secure, but was her schedule like this before you got her? Were there any behavioral or emotional issues to deal with? They may be playing a factor in her sleep issues. If so, ignore all my following advice and talk to her doctor!!
I know this will go against what you're doing currently, but maybe you could move her into her own room and have her own "big girl bed" with special sheets or something?? Sometimes that will work, at least for a little while, and then you could lay with her til she falls asleep if needed and possibly get some sleep in your own bed. My son sleeps with us sometimes as well, he is 18mo. We took him off the night time bottle when he was 1, and he looked for it for a night or 2 but that was it. Maybe you could try not giving her a bottle, as by now she may just be used to it, and see if that helps. Also, room darkening shades could help "morning" come a little later.
Could you try cutting out the nap at school? I completely agree with you that an overtired child doesn't sleep well, but maybe then ask the school to wake her after 30 min or so instead of an hour? At least then she will have some sleep but not so much that she's overtired at bedtime. Also, if you want to try moving her bedtime to later, do it in 15 or 30min increments, like 6:45pm for a week, then 7pm for a week, and so on until you can get to 7:30 or so with no issues. This way you are not messing her schedule entirely right away. 6:30 may just be too early, but she needs some help getting to later in the night without melting down! Good luck, and hang in there. It will get better.

Hi, L.:

Have you gone to the day care and asked them for help?

Have you talked with the nurse at the peds office?

Is there some reason that she doesn't have her own room?

Just want to know. D.

Many 3 year olds don't sleep more than 8-9 hours in a row. It sounds to me like bedtime is too early. I know you said you tried moving it back a little, and she was overtired and didn't sleep well. But it will take more than 1 night for her internal clock to reset to a new schedule. Think of yourself in a new time zone. Even if you keep yourself up the first night, you usually don't sleep in the 1st morning. For me, it takes 3-4 days for my internal clock to reset so I'm getting the right amound of sleep. Along the same lines, it's going to take moving bedtime for at least a week before you know if putting your daughter to bed later will help her to sleep in.

Hi L.,
I would say your biggest problem is that naps are happening too early and bedtime is waaaay too early. As a child care provider as well as a mom of 3, I find it best when children nap right after lunch (between 12:30 and 1) and then wake after a 45 min to 1 hr nap. Then they stay up until no earlier than 7:30, 8 p.m. and THEN start to put her to bed. That should put her actually going down around 9 p.m. I really do feel she is going down way too early and if you start her on a later schedule, she will adjust after a couple of days. Kids need 10-12 hrs of sleep at night, and if she's going down at 6:30, her 10 hrs are up by 4 a.m. It's ok for her to cry. Tell her that you'll get her as soon as the sun comes up and let her in her bed. The more you cater to her every little whim now, the more you're going to do it in the future. I would honestly suggest that she have her own room if it's at all possible and not sleep with you. The bond is established. Trust me. She's ready to sleep in her own room. It may take a week of tears, but believe me--it hurts you more than it does her. Also, the bottle could be a problem instead of a help for you. She should have been off the bottle by 1 yr. Make her eat supper at regular time and then give her a drink just before bedtime. I personally have trouble sleeping if I eat before I go to bed. Best of luck!

After reading your second post, I am thinking that it may be time to start the transition to her room. Although the sobbing leads you to believe that she's not ready, I'm not so sure. I know it's counter-intuitive, but I believe that "outta sight, outta mind" may be the best thing for her. Even if it doesn't happen for a couple of weeks, I would start to really talk up her room. To transition them out of cribs in our nursery, we told our boys about their new "big boy beds" and how excited we were for them to make that step. We made a big deal out of pillows, blankets, and all the little details. By the time we were ready to move them, they were the ones pushing for it - they were so excited to have their own room with real beds in it. Rather than tears or climbing out of bed, they slept waaaaaay better than we expected them to do. Just a thought . . .

One other thing to mention on the early bedtime - don't let one or two late nights lead you to believe that she can't successfully stay up later. It takes at least a week or two on a certain schedule to see if it's working (which I realize can be really tough on everyone). Our guys do terribly when they are up later because of guests or special events, but that is more to do with the excitement and how busy they are throughout those special days. If we let them stay up a bit later due to a longer nap or something more low-key, they usually respond quite well. Just my opinions, but you asked ;)

Perhaps look into getting the book "The No Cry SLeep Solution" for toddlers by Elizabeth Pantley. She is very pro co-sleeping so I think she would have suggestions for this situation. :)

My daughter never slept for long. If she took a nap at preschool she would be up to midnight. Just not tired. some kids just need less sleep than others. I think 630 is way to early for her to go to sleep, especially if she is getting up at 4a. I would let her stay up longer to like 8p. Now with my daughter we had to find a preschool that let her stay awake during nap time. Which in my case was a parttime preschool. But saying that, my daughter would come wake me up as soon as the sun came up. And once she started to talk and walk it was like MOm wake up look the sun is out. Sadly I've not slept past 8am since my daughter was born.

This is not going to be your typical answer, but it might be something you could try.... I also had a problem with my 3-4 yr.old waking up in the middle of night. I don't go to bed until 1 or 2 am, so having a child wake up at 3 or 4 am was not an option (unless of course they are sick, bad dream, etc.). But, my one son just could not help but wake up in the middle of the night. He loves arts & crafts and his mind just needed something to do once he was up. He would come into my room and ask quietly, "mom, can I have a piece of tape?" or "mom, where are the markers?" I finally decided that instead of fighting it I would just allow it. Each night I would take out paper, the tape, markers, crayons, etc. and put them on the floor of the spare room (so he wouldn't wake me or his brother or anyone else up). Every night for about one year he would get up in the middle of the night, create some sort of art project and then go back to bed for a few more hours. It was just a phase between the ages of 3 and 4, but obviously a necessary one for his mind. And he got just as much sleep, but it was broken into two parts. Eventually he grew out of it and now is just my early bird, but he is old enough to get up and occupy himself for a while before the rest of the household gets up. It just might be something to consider. If your child wakes up, give her something to do that she can do herself sitting on the floor of your room and tell her she has to do it and go back to bed without waking you. It was really nice to wake up in the morning to see what special project my son had come up with in the middle of each night! Good luck.

Well, I have to say I am not a fan of cosleeping, but I do understand that you are trying to make her feel loved and secure by doing this. It seems that it isn't working out though. I would talk with her about the importance of good sleep and explain that she is going to start sleeping in her own room because she is such a big girl. I think you might be giving her mixed messages since letting her sleep with you, but then pushing her away. It is perfectly healthy to have separate rooms and beds. I agree with the previous post that 6:30 is WAY too early. I think 7:30 would be a much better time to begin bed time. It might take a while to reset her clock, but she will eventually start to sleep later.

I know I say this to everyone, because it saved my life, but buy the Dr. Ferber book on sleep solutions. Not many things as important as a GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP FOR ALL!!!!! Best of luck to you. You are a loving parent and you are doing a great job!

My daughter went through a phase like this. She would wake in the night and we'd put her back to bed. She'd get up and play and we'd find her sleep in front of her door. Her light would be on a all hours of the night but she'd busy herself until she fell back asleep. Any time she sleeps with us (on vacation) she wakes and stays awake no matter what time it is. I think it would really help if she was in her own room. You would both get the sleep you need once she gets used to it.

I'm thinking she's going to sleep WAY too early in the evening. I know kids sleep horribly when they are overtired, but if I were in your shoes, I would gradually push back her bedtime later to about 7:30 at the earliest. And make sure she's full before she goes to bed. I wouldn't wake her up to give her a bottle. Can she get off of the bottle altogether? She IS 3. Good luck!