3 Year Old Son Doesn't Want to Give Gift Away...

I take my sons shopping with me, and let them pick out a gift for their friend. I tell them ahead of time that we are picking out a gift for their friend, but I do usually get them something small as well.

I agree mostly with what others have said. But I don't think buying him something too is the solution. Take him with you and tell him we are picking out a toy for a friend and that this friend is looking forward to his birthday, just like your son would. That when it's his birthday he will be the one you are celebrating, but that this particular day will be for the birthday boy. Try not to make it sound like the Birthday is all about the toys though. I think at 3 they understand alot, just need help coping with those hard facts of life. They understand, but aren't mature enough to handle that truth. My daughter will be 3 in June and she had a few fits in the store about b-day presents before, but now she knows that when we go for a present it means its for someone else and she always looks forward to giving them. Good luck!

Hilary, I just ran into that situation this morning with my 3.5 year old. I had to buy the present for today's party without my daughter's help yesterday. I showed her the present this morning and she, of course, "wanted it". I just explained it was for the birthday girl and that she might get something similar for her birthday. I left it at that and she accepted it. Set the expectation and don't feel guilty. Children need to understand there are limits-they're okay with it as long as you are:-) Good luck, K.

Your son is only 3 he doesn't quite understand the meaning of giving a birthday gift.But he will soon.Tell him that at his birthday party his friends brought him gifts and now it's his turn to give his friend a gift.And I bet you that by the time the party is over he would have had so much fun at it that he forgets that he even wanted to keep the truck.If he doesn't just tell him that when it's his b-day again maybe he'll get the same toy as a gift.That always work for me with my kids.

Hopefully once he sees this other child getting gift he will get the concept a little better. But in the future I would not let him see the present before wrapping it. Put it out of site out of mind and then give it to the birthday boy. If your son gets upset, just console and distract him. Leave the room if necessary. You want to make this as cut and dry and simple as possible. Otherwise you are going to have this drama everytime. He needs to understand the concept of giving and understand that he doesnt get to have the toy or one like if for his own. So he will learn his fussing over it wont get him anything. So, no, do not go and buy hm the same toy otherwise you will be teaching him that his behaviour was acceptable and you will be rewarding him for his fit. GL.

Does your son understand taking turns? It might help him to understand that on his birthday it will be *his* turn, and that right now it is not his turn. Explaining to him that he is waiting might go over better than just "nope, not yours." If it is true, you could say, "maybe there is something like this on your birthday list!"

To handle the immediate problem of wailing youngster, wrap the present up-maybe in plain paper-so he doesn't see it again, and hope he isn't too focussed on it. Just as a practical matter, warn the parent of the birthday boy that it might be wise to keep the present under wraps until after the party. Most of the small child parties I've been to recently do that--no unwrapping in front of the assembled small fry, but I wasn't sure how common that was. I think you are teaching him a valuable lesson (good job!), but from the standpoint of the other guests especially, there's no need to rub his poor little nose in it.

Hi H.,
My daughter is 7 years old. She is a great gift giver and even better shopper (OMG I'm in trouble).
Anyway she wasn't always like that though. When she was two years old we were invited to a baby shower. I went to the store by myself and bought a great baby toy for the Mommy to be. My daughter had other plans for it though and made sure the rest of the world knew it too.
Being a second time Mommy (but not practiced in nearly 16 years) I really didn't know how to handle her tantrum. I tried to explain the toy was for a baby and that she was too old for it, I tried telling her it was a gift, every which way I could think of, her tantrum continued until I was angry. So, I packed her up into the car along with the toy I purchased and drove to the store. I returned the gift I bought in front of her (she was balling her head off in the store) I took her to the baby department and told her to choose one gift for a baby and the gift would NOT be hers to play with it would be hers to give away. After a VERY patient hour, lots of deep breaths and silent prayers, she chose the same toy I had just returned (you can imagine the steam rising I'm sure). I let her pick out some wrapping paper, then I gave her the money to purchase it. This I believe made her feel special, important, and a part of something big and important.
We went home and, together we wrapped the gift. On the party day I took her with me (no babysitter available) and my daughter happily took the package to the Mommy-to-be and handed it to her, she leaned into the expectant mother's tummy and softly said "happy birthday baby" as if it were a secret. It was the cutest moment and I wish I had the camera rolling at that time.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, all our kids want is to be a part "of it all" and maybe we are underestimating their ability to reason and make choices. Ever since that day, my daughter and I do ALL party shopping and gift shopping together, we choose together, we wrap together and we give together. She is happier for it and I am much less agry.
I hope this story helps you.
Aloha
E.

I have a 9 year old son who does great with gift giving. I have him go with me shopping to pick out the gift. He has learned to stay within our price range and seems to pick out a great gift that the birthday child likes. At your sons age, you can involve him by telling him in advance about the party, take him with you shopping and steer him towards the gift for his friend.

Great question... and great responses. My son is only 16 months... but this is very helpful information. H., thanks for bringing this up!

I do have one friend who is very good at teaching her 19 month old to share, give gifts... when she and her son often arrive at our doorstep, her son will have a small rock or a leaf... or some other really small, insigificant.. and free item that he "found/discovered"... his mom then encourages him to give one as a gift whenever they come in. They always walk to our home, so there is always something to pick up off the sidewalk:-) It seems like a good pattern to start... that may one day be able to translate to toys for birthdays, etc.

Did he demonstrate generosity before the 4 mo. baby started sharing your lap space (invitro)? If so, I think his sharing instincts will be well in place when he's older. Thumbs up on keeping the toy a present, when he cried for it.

I believe "sharing" occurs when one feels security in what they share:

Meantime, he may be feeling "scarcity" in being in control of getting special time, like when presents are given and one is the center of attention... perhaps focusing off the present (remove from view, wrap it, and have your son put the same item on HIS birthday wish list),
then do something just for him - (a) paint a picture for him; (b) video tape him doing his favorite trick or song or silly walk, etc.,(c) toast a frozen waffle and put choc. chips for facial features, (d) etc., while he ... chooses what he'll do, until you're ready. Then give it to him with some ceremony (not outrageous, but maybe: "close your eyes... now open- surprise! I made this for you."

Hi H.,

I believe what you said and did is sufficient. Let it go at that. Good luck. D.

Hi Hilary.
This is a never ending thing. When I buy gifts, I just buy a small something for my son ($1- $2). Something similar to what I'm buying as a present. Its just easier. Another trick is to buy a multipack of something and then give the pieces one at a time.
M.

In the future let him pick out the gift. Not much advice for how to get around tomorrow but I've had a 7 year old give my daughter something and cry the whole time because she wanted to keep it.. so don't feel to bad, the other parent will understand that it's hard and he'll recover.

You could start by sitting him down and talking to him about his own birthday, how his friends give him gifts, and how happy it makes him feel. Then describe how happy his friend will feel when he receives his own birthday gift from your son. Put this in simple terms that he'll understand. I think kids do have the power to empathize, it just needs to be developed by helping them to understand through thinking of how they themselves feel in any given situation.
I had the same problem with both of my boys, and I began taking them shopping with me and letting them help choose the birthday gifts. I always make sure they understand that they're picking a toy for their friend and not for themselves. Then they help wrap the gift and sign the birthday card or draw a picture for the birthday child. By that time they're just as excited about giving the gift as they would be by getting one! Hope this helps!