My son loves me , no doubt about that. But recently he has started to tell me that he likes dad , not mom. Or he likes dad first , and mom comes second. He asks me to go away because he wants dad to read a book, tie his shoes etc etc. My husband is a great dad, very patient and caring, so I never had doubts that this would happen one day. But still,, it hurts sometimes. Esp this past weekend when my son was sick and he did not want me to do anything. All these days he wanted mom when he was sick, but this time it was dad, dad, dad all the time! I hold him and he would scream! I try not to take it to heart (he just turned 3) but there are times when it does sting because he is very firm in what he says. When dad went out for a bit , he wanted me. And he told me that once dad is back he will go to dad, and would not want me anymore.
Dad travels a lot on work(once or twice a month) and those days my son is like my best buddy. I am guilty of not being very patient with him when dad's not home , sometimes shouting at him, spanking him , not that I want to do it, but he really pushes my limits . And taking care of him all alone is so tiring , so sometimes I do lose it. Maybe he is confused as to why mom is so patient and loving , and then some days super angry and frustrated. I do understand I need to be more patient with him.
When my husband gets back to town , he lets me take a break, He spends more time with our son because he would have missed him a lot as well, and it's not as if my son runs out of my arms to his the moment dad walks inside the door. He needs me too initially but I guess when mom is getting a break, he bonds with dad and couple days later he doesn't want mom anymore. This happens everytime. I am wondering if I need to stop even dreaming of getting a break? I don't question my son loving me, we are very close. But I want him to be ok with the fact that mommy will be gone for couple hours too(his dad is gone for days at a time, but he never pushes dad away) And mommy gets tired too. My question is how do I stop him from pushing me away??
Also, another question is -how do I deal with stress? Even though my son means the world to me, when I am stressed out , I am not the same person with him . Sometimes he gets super clingy not letting me cook, or do anything around the house all day and I lose it. Sometimes he gets so stubborn and will not listen to one word I say(esp after we just got back home from playing outside all morning). He expects the same amount of attention and interaction from me, which I can't give him because I am tired and hungry too. And I still have work to get done around the house. I guess this is my issue rather than his(he is just being a kid) - so how do I manage dealing with stress better? Taking a break not an option when dad's not home :(
PLEASE read the book "Wild at Heart" by John Eldrege. This is completely normal behavior. Don't take it personally! He's a 3 year old boy!
Sounds perfectly normal. We see a lot of that here, and with others too. If ts all about daddy, I let daddy have his turn, and vice versa. I don't really envy hubs when its his turn, because I know how tiring mommy, mommy, mommy can be.
We've started chatting with our boy and setting up expectations. It seems to help. i.e. We are going to go to the shoe shop. You're going to hold mommy's hand. Then we are going to sit down and a man or maybe a woman will measure your foot. Then they'll measure the other foot. Then we'll try on the shoes, then maybe we will buy the shoes etc. We walked through the script 2-3 times before hand and he bought into it and complied.
Have some meals on the ready, in single serve sized portions to nuke when you can't cook. Eat a granola bar or a banana on the way home so you aren't overtired and cranky.
Script what his return will look like and then make it happen. i.e. when we go outside, I will pour you some water and put out some pretzles and carrot sticks. Mommy will have a snack and DS will have a snack. You can eat at the table, and then you can play puzzles or with your cars. Mommy will sit down in her chair with a cup of tea. When mommy is done with her tea we can XYZ.
Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.
The favorite parent thing stinks and stings in equal measure but I try not to let it get to me. It is not personal; it is a phase for a small child who has so little control and influence over his world. I acknowledge how I feel and then let it go. I tell myself 'okay, self, you feel hurt because he prefers Dad right now. In no time it will swing back, though, and it will be all me all the time without a break.' I feel better after that little pep talk because it helps me focus on the realities of an "all dad all the time" phase. My husband doesn't get a break because our son hounds him FOR EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING from the time we get up until we go to bed. It is exhausting and not particularly fun when I think about it. I know when it is nonstop momma it is wearing so what am I envying when it's not my turn?
Due to stress I have certainly done things to my two year old which leave me shaking my head. How on earth do I let myself get so mad and so stressed at a toddler who doesn’t know any better and who is doing what he is supposed to be doing? I deal with stress by talking it out and/or by walking away. When I talk it out, I know I must sound like a rabid squirrel stashing nuts for an upcoming apocalypse during these monologues/diatribes. I get to nattering ninety to nothing with my two year old looking at me like I have lost my mind which I am about to do anyway. It’s better to lose it with words than actions; my only rule when I talk out loud is I can’t yell. By talking myself out of a bad space, I find myself lashing out less and I find my time with my toddler goes better. I figure my son doesn't understand my words but two things happen. I talk myself out of being nutty mad and acting in kind. Also my son learns we all get pushed and there are good ways to stress relieve. It doesn’t work all the time but it is certainly an improvement. Otherwise, I just walk away when I can feel myself about to lose it. A few minutes of deep breathing and refocusing on positives can be a blessing. I have more than once shut myself in my dark closet for a few moments. I breath in and out, repeating upbeat things – I love my son, he’s a bright toddler, he’s loving, etc. On the days which are impossible and nothing appeases the monster toddler, I take all of us outside for a walk. I strap my screaming toddler in his stroller and off we go. By a block or two we both feel much better and the fresh air helps.
When you find yourself yelling, stop and start whispering. I may feel ridiculous but whispering is a good way for me to diffuse my anger. It is hard to convey anger by whispering. Good luck and realize we all have our moments where we are tested and feel like we have fallen short.
Oh and on the days I can’t get a thing done. So what? Those same chores will be there tomorrow but my son is only little once. This too shall pass and no one is judging the cleanliness of my home (and if they are, they can go jump off a bridge!). So long as I get the basics accomplished, I did a good job (diapers changed, everyone reasonably fed and all body parts ending the day in the state they started counts in my book).
When our son was 3, he got angry that me and Daddy were hugging so he pushed in between us, shoved Daddy away and said "MY Mommy! Get your own Mommy!".
Oh dear.
It hurt my husbands feeling something awful.
I told our son we ALL love Daddy and he shouldn't treat him like that.
The favored parent needs to help the child understand that we won't stand for being hurtful/disrespectful of the less favored parent.
And - I made a point of letting the guys go do things on their own together.
He became Daddy's little helper with his own real tool belt and they had a blast looking over fire trucks together.
The thing is - between now and about 7 or 8 years old, the favored parent status switches back and forth between parents several times over.
It's totally normal but parents have to work as a team no matter which way the child bounces and they need to stand up each other.
When you feel yourself getting stressed - give yourself a time out.
When I began feeling frazzled I'd announce that I was putting myself in timeout and went to lay down for awhile.
9 times out of 10, my son would join me (but he HAD to be quiet) and then we both ended up taking a nap.
He's going through a perfectly normal phase. Just roll with it.
If your husband goes out of town a lot, your son might be clinging to his dad because he's afraid of losing him when he does go away. He may also be saying he loves daddy first and mommy second because he is afraid of daddy going away, and wants to reassure daddy that he loves him first in case that helps him to stay.
Your son doesn't understand why his daddy goes away, and doesn't understand that he's coming back. He's too young to be aware of time, he lives in the present. If daddy is there in the present, your son is going to do what he can to make sure he stays! After the initial "get to know daddy again" phase that happens just after your husband returns.
Don't take it personally. You can't really control what's going on in a 3-year old's head.
Your son will go back and forth over who he "favors" for the moment. It will change even as he grows much older.
Also, ALL moms get frustrated and stressed. Just do your best! Take a time out for yourself if you need to. It's not easy raising a toddler!
Two things,
first, it's very common for daddy to be favored. Mommy is around all the time doing most of the work and discipline so of course daddy is like a rock star, or a special guest. He's the "fun" one because he's not there all the time. He's a novelty. So DO NOT take it personally.
Second,
you need a break.
We ALL do.
If he's not in preschool yet, and you don't have any fellow mom friends, work on that. Join a gym, a playgroup, a mommy and me class, whatever. You need to connect with other adults and your son needs playmates. It must be EXHAUSTING for both you and your son if all you have all day is each other! You both need age appropriate friendships and activities. I never would have made it through those early years without my mommy friends and play dates. We even babysat for each other from time to time which would be GREAT for you, it sounds like you really need it.
I haven't read any of your posts but you probably have some very helpful answers so I won't go into much.
This is very common, mom's always get the thankless work. So please understand this is usual. What is not usual is that he is telling you this so much and acting the way he is. By this he is telling you that he needs you to be patient with him, play and have fun with him, be tender and kind to him. I get that you're stressed but find a way to work this through. What can you do to de-stress? Yoga, a class, getting with other moms, making time to relax in the tub? Find something very specific that you can do on a regular basis and let that be just for you. And then be willing to give of yourself to your son. What is the real problem here? That's the question you need to ask yourself. Stop pushing your child away and he will stop pushing you away. Be willing to develop your own understanding of him and of childhood. Be willing to be kind. And stop allowing a three year old to control you. He will treat you as you treat him. And remember he'll grow up some day and you will want a kind and loving son.
Children learn what they live. You're giving him the life he's living.
he is three this is about the time we started talking about feelings with our son. he would say the meaniest things like a little girl with glasses and curly hair who was BEAUTIFUL straight out of a j crew mag so adorable and he said he did not like her because she had curly hair. of course the little girl heard him and then we talked about feelings and how would he feel if she said she did not like you because of his "idk what i picked" and he understood. so my thinking is to explain to him how it hurts your feelings and how would he feel if you were to say you loved daddy first and him second. then explain to him you have two favorite foods. mine is bacon and chocolate (although not together) pick his favoirtes like corn dogs and ice cream or cake and cookies. then explain to him how the two are different but you like them the same amount and you could not pick one over the other. its incredibly rude manners for him to say this because it is hurting your feelings. children are in training to be great adults and its easier to begin explaining feelings now than to wait till they are older to start make it a daily awareness. Its also perfectly fine for him to have alone time play. Send him to his room to make adventures then come tell you about it when time is over. Even set a 30 min timer. You might have to build up to that. Perfectly normal. My three yr old daughter is now saying she and my husband are married and its really cute but kinda along the same lines. I am kicked out of the marriage and its those two teamed up. Normal kid stuff. Normal momma feelings too! There are things you can do to improve the awareness of both your husband and your son when he says these things and have a moment to breath. I have actually shouted at my son " you better run to your room before I WHIP your butt like you never been whipped before" (a build up of doing sometihing wrong, not going to his room and ignoreing me)!!!
At one point it will be Mommy Mommy Mommy. As far as the stress, you sound like every other mother. Just find some time for yourself. It helps tremendously. Have a nice day
Yeah, when dad is home, its fun time at our house also. He is the softy when it comes to discipline, and never makes dd do anything for herself. I dont really mind. It also means she insists on having Dad wipe her but and give her a bath, ect, and I get a little break.
For getting a break when you are home alone, I keep a box of craft supplies. I only get it out once in awhile, it keeps dd busy if I really need to get something done. Also, dont feel bad for turning on Nick Jr for awhile so you can have a few minutes to yourself.
My husband is a Stay at Home dad and I work outside of the home. Like your son, our daughter tells my husband that she likes me better. He does not take it personally. It is normal behavior. The time with the parent they see less is special because they have less of it. And the parent who is home less, may have more patience for the same reason ... they have been away and miss the child.
As far as managing your stress... when your husband is home take the oppurtunity to have some time for yourself. When your husband is gone, find oppurtunities to get some time to yourself when you can.
Examples:
Set up play dates for your child.
Get a friend or relative to watch him for a couple of hours.
Have a babysitter come over for a couple of hours to play with him. You can leave the house or even use that time to catch up on chores.
Sign him up for a Head start or Community Education program.
Take him to the park or indoor playland and sip coffee while you watch him play with other kids.
Do what you need to do to get your stress under control. All of my examples may not be feasible for you, but you get the idea. Find oppurtunities to have a change of scenery and distractions that will keep him occupied. This will give you the chance to breathe. Honestly, cleaning and chores can wait. Your sanity and your son's childhood are more important. I promise you, if you are stressed, then most likely your child is too. They feed off of the vibes we send out.
My husband gets stressed by our daughter and no matter what he does, she never feels like she gets enough attention from him when I am at work. So she attends classes or drop-in daycare 1-3 times a week depending on what other activities they have going on that week. The other days, she plays with a neighbor girl or they go to the park/playland. Our house is definitely not spotless. Sometimes it is a huge mess! But from day 1 I made it clear to my husband that our daughter is his #1 priority.
Personally, I don't believe in hitting children. Doing it out of anger is never ok. Hitting is only teaching him to fear you. I know some people think it is a valid form of discipline and I don't judge you for using it. However, from your post, it sounds like you are not comfortable with how you are using it. Hopefully, some of the suggestions above will help you and then you may have the patience to find a gentler type of discipline. I suggest the book "1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12". It has worked wonders for us.
Good luck!
3 is all about creating power struggles. By saying dad is first, he is trying to get a reaction from you. So don't react, just say, " you like dad first. Hmmm I love you." Or that's Ok I love you no matter what.
My hubby travels too. It's hard. I lose it too sometimes. I put myself in TO. I also take lots of deep breathes and count to 10.
I also try to see lots of friends when hubby is away. We go have all day adventures and then do take out.
From 2-4 my son was all about daddy.. I could not take him to bed or do anything for him. I can not count how many times I had to have my husband meet me at the daycare, because he would not get in his seat for me or anything. Now, he is comming back around to a 50/50. Don't take it personeal and don't react.. the more your react, the more he will say it just to get the reaction.
