3 Year Old Rude to Future Step Dad - Advice Please!

My stepdaughter is often rude and misbehaves after visits with her mom. She's always been that way. Her mom's house is chaos with crying babies and no routine. There's lots of yelling and she is ignored. So when she comes to our house she's still stressed from her weekend at Mom's.

I doubt is has anything to do with your fiancé. OR, if it does, it's because he's the father "figure" at your house.

What works for us is a buffer between houses. Instead of going straight home to a routine, we go to the park, or dad takes her out to lunch. During the buffer time we overlook rudeness (as best we can) and we try to focus on positive things. Running around the park or eating out allow her to de-stress and transition more easily. If it's not possible to go anywhere, we just let her go into her room and play by herself for a while. We leave her alone. She always comes out a more C. person, more like herself.

It sounds like her dad is a mean person, so she's picking up the meaness at his house. Kids pick up on that kind of thing, and they are little mirrors. They will mirror back the behavior they see. So she comes back to your house a "mean" person.

It's hard for any child to go between homes and yours is only 3. A buffer time and also overlooking the behavior at first will help. Give your child time to re-adjust to your house before you start in with rules. Sometimes it takes as long as a day to re-adjust. Be patient. We've been dealing with this for a long time, and at age 10 she still needs a buffer. So it works with kids of any age.

Good luck!

Hi there,

I don't know if this helps, but my daughter (3 3/4 yrs.) has been rude to her Dad at times when she doesn't spend enough time with him. When she was younger, she once said she didn't like him when they hadn't been bonding much. We are not divorced, and my husband is wonderful with her. She seems to get pushed out of joint when she wants more attention from him. Does that make sense?

Like another mommy wrote, she is 3. She is probably confused and has no idea why she is feeling complicated feelings. Maybe she is afraid to loose her stepfather when she is with her bio father? Maybe she misses the structure he provides?

Whatever the reason, I'd just encourage you and your fiancé to be really gentle with her when she comes from a visit with her father. Give her lots of love and affection, even if she is being a little beast. :) It's not easy, but they need to know we love them and that they are safe and secure when they are going through these tough moments, more so than when they are happy and well behaved. And if her father is going to be deported... she'll need A LOT of your loving support and patience as she adjusts. Poor girl!

Hugs to all of you!

do you think her bio dad is planting seeds into her mind to be rude to your fiance? my step son's mom used to do that.. she even had him calling me "dad's tits" when he was 2. once he got a little bit older he would just tell us, "mommy says mean things about you and daddy. i tell her to stop." then we confronted her about it.. along with letting her know we've spoke to a lawyer about it and she slowly stopped. angry parents LOVE to use their children against people and brainwashing their kids is one of their favorite things to do.

also, also frustrating as it is make sure she doesnt see your fiance get a rise out of her being rude instead just have him simply tell her that it hurts his feelings when she says/or does ____.

also do they do any special things just the two of them together.. even if it is just him reading her a story or taking her to the park? if not, i strongly advise having the two of them spend some alone time together so he can show her that he will be there and that he does care.

I think this is a complex situation with many possibilities . The first thing that stood to me while reading was you saying there have been boundaries issues with both Bio dad and yourself ( different reasons). You've been learning from your Fiance how to have good, healthy, boundaries.The thing about Boundaries that is so important for children is they actually help a child feel loved and secure. So I'm imagining how this might possibly be confusing to your little girl. Sometimes children will do things just to feel that boundary . Now here is this other man in your life that isn't dad but offers something (boundaries)that feels good / loved. So she will continue to test for more because this is something that hasn't always been in her life and especially with dad. It looks negative but really it's quite normal for a child to do this. They want to feel loved and secure and that's what boundaries give a child. But whats complex is this isn't "her bio dad" offering this so there also may be a bit of resentment from of the fact that he seems to give something to her that makes her feel loved and secure but she's mad at him at the same time because he has changed part of her life. I don't feel it has anything to do with bio dad saying things about fiance to her so I'd stay away from that. All I can suggest is that your new little family unit keep up what your doing together. Boundaries = love to a child . She needs lots of love and security . Boundaries are different then discipline so don't confuse them. If there's to much discipline you'll have issues too. You mentioned you've read" love and logic" and that for me was a big help. I love the series (I'm reading the teens one now). I recommend to keep on reading parenting books. You can never stop learning. I studied early childhood education and I still read books as much as I can. A few more I found helpful are ....How to talk so your child will listen and listen so your child will talk, Positive discipline , Grace based parenting, Easy to love diffucult to discipline, And many ,many more ,I have 4 children, you can imagine someone is always throwing me a curve ball. And lastly just make sure she is getting lots of good attention from you and your fiance. That's a new relationship that she is going to have to establish her place in. Is he going to be dad to her? You need to help foster their relationship too. Your a family now. p.s I noticed that you mentioned you don't encourage her to call him daddy. I would support this. If she wants to call him daddy embrace it and encourage it. It's healthy. You are marring him and it's her way of accepting him .
Best wishes

She's three! Remember that! She doesn't comprehend or understand things the way we do. She's probably very confused about where your fiance fits into the equation right now. She KNOWS who her dad is regardless of only seeing him a few times a week. You three may want to check into some family counseling help if she continues to act out toward the fiance. Make sure he's a REALLY good guy as well. Be careful about leaving her alone with him. I hope you've gotten a full background check done on him since he's moving in with you and your very young daughter PLUS your past issues of choosing abusive men.

aww, poor little honey...she must be so confused.I say do all the discipline yourself until things settle and allow her time to process, she's too small to understand what is "polite" to do with step dad. She acts as she feels. I agree with the previous post, make sure this guy you are marrying is the right one (I guess you've already done that if you are marrying him) BUT don't force him on her and handle all the main areas (love and discipline) by yourself for a while until she can better express her feelings to you. Also I agree with the previous poster, I would not leave her alone with your fiance until she can speak well, they are both uncomfortable with each other right now anyways, no reason to dump gas on fire for the time being. Just LOVE her to pieces for a while long, your bond will get stronger and she'll know she is more important to you than this new arrival (step dad), which is the way it should be anyways. If she doesn't feel as she has to compete for your love, that should help too.