3 Year Old Refusing to Sleep NOTHING works!Have Tried ALL techniques.PLEASE HELP

My goodness I can hear your frustration! You poor thing! And newly pregnant too.

You don't mention how much your son sleeps during the DAY? I imagine he's exhausted too from all this nighttime activity. I believe a three yr old should be taking 1 nap a day, perhaps 1-2 hours. Don't let him sleep more/longer than that or he won't be tired at night.

Also, watch his diet. Maybe there's a food trigger/allergy that you don't know about. Stick with "God's Packaging" for most foods - whole fruits and veggies, lean meats, milk (poss allergy?) and whole grains. Limit ANY extra sugars, caffeine, nuts or potential allergens, like dyes, that may be making him hyper.

This is what I would do from here on out...and I too have read ALL the sleep books for problems we've had:`
1. After his afternoon nap, get him outside. Run. Play. Climb. Do anything and everything you can to get him good and tired.
2. Get him home, let him settle down, then eat dinner.
3. Start lowering the lights, household volume and NO TV.
4. Give him a calm, relaxing bath. Keep your voices lower too.
At this point he should be good and tired.
5. Get him dressed, read books and put him to bed.
6. Then go ahead with the "back to bed technique".
I realize you've already tried this, but stick with it. DO NOT talk to him. DO NOT negotiate. Just keep walking him back in his room, put him down and walk out. Be consistent. (Don't change, don't argue with your DH that it isn't working, this could take several days to a week to change this pattern.) If your son wakes up in the middle of the night, don't talk to him! Just walk him back to his room, over and over and over.

The premise is that he'll realize that he will not get anything from you and will go to sleep.

This of course is all based on the fact that he hasn't slept all day, and has a reason to be tired at night.

If Dad needs to 'be the tough guy' because Mom needs some sleep then so be it. Let him do it for one night or two, then you do it the next night.

Don't switch parents on 1 night. Be consistent. And don't engage him AT ALL. Don't change your "technique" or do anything different. He needs to know THIS IS THE BEDTIME ROUTINE. It's not changing. He's not making the rules.

I really feel your pain. We tried everything too. We too learned that being close to our child, trying to sit with her just made things worse. I don't think all techniques work for every kid. However I do believe that CONSISTENCY IS THE KEY.

Whatever you decide to do, STICK WITH IT. He needs to understand that these are the RULES and they're not changing (anymore).

NOTE: I realize that at this point EVERYONE is exhausted. And I know that you're looking for some "miracle". This isn't an easy fix. And it's going to take a little bit more of "no sleep" for you and your DH to fix this problem. So pick whatever ONE plan you like and DON'T CHANGE. Your son will protest, get up, yell, scream, cry, etc. Know that you are not torturing him. He gets plenty of love during the day. And your "turning off" your emotions at night isn't a lack of love...right now he's playing on your emotions AND exhaustion.

I wish you all the best.

I understand this isn't a miracle solution for you. This is something you've already tried - sorry. But stick with it.

It really sounds like you've tried everything else.

I'm not too sure if you mentioned, but did he sleep well before being put into a "big boy" bed? The reason I ask is, we have a 2 1/2 year old who use to toss and turn all night long. Because he sleeps with us (long story), I was able to observe his breathing. He would literally stop breathing for 15-20 seconds at a time and gasp or jump when catching his breath.

We took him into a specialist on our own for this reason and because he would get severely ill when getting a simple cold. Bottom line was Severe Pediatric Sleep Apnea. He had his tonsils and adenoids removed and sleeps sooo much better now.

Couple questions: Does your son sweat when sleeping? Does he snore? If so, Sleep Apnea could definitely be an explanation. This may not be the case, but it is definitely worth observing him while sleeping.

Good Luck and Wish you the Best in your efforts.

A good friend of mine had this same issue... I don't know how you don't pull your hair out! lol... What a challenge you have! Anyway, the one and only thing that has worked for my friend -and immediately mind you (and many others have really liked this too) is to try Melatonin. It is a natural and safe, effective way to help kids sleep (I have used it from time to time in the past). They do have chewable tablets for kids... I heard that you could get the chewables at GNC... my friend got it online. Her daughter is 3 and takes 1 mg tablets... has worked like a dream :-) Now she is the happiest rested kid during the day and her mom has grown her hair back again! haha. Good luck!

You need to pick one method and stick with it. Consistency is always key.

Can you put a s;ee[ing bag on your bedroom floor and have him sleep there? It also sounds like he is not hitting rem sleep so he can not stay asleep. You can try a cup of camomile or peppermint tea my oldest has a hard time sleeping through the night and over the years (she is almost 15) we have tried various remedies the tea works for a few months then different homeopathic remedies work. Good luck to you.
J. O

I too have heard that melatonin helps. This is a sleep-inducing hormone that is produced naturally in the brain, and many pediatricians consider it safe for children – some don't. If you try it, experiment to find the smallest possible dose.

Another possibility is that your son can't sleep. He may be developing an increasingly common problem in young children: chemical sensitivities. Exposure to common household cleaners, the residue from scented fabric softener and detergent, air freshener, bath products, etc., can get a kid's nervous system too jazzed to relax and sleep, and can also cause other unpredictable emotional outbreaks or meltdowns. I'm chemically sensitive myself, and have gone as long as four nights at a time being completely unable to sleep. It's worth considering – if you use these products, try eliminating them for a couple of weeks and see if it makes a difference. You may have to bag them in plastic to contain the scents and other volatile compounds.

New fabrics, furnishings, and cotton-poly mix sheets also off-gas toxins, as do carpet glues. Have you recently redone his bedroom?

Good luck. Lack of sleep is hard on everybody, child and adult.

Its sounds like he is tense and anxious about sleeping and his new bed and whats expected of him. I dont think locking his door is very reassuring. Children this age start remembering their dreams and this confused them too. Stop telling him he has to sleep and instead insist he has to stay in his room. Tell him you dont really care if he sleeps, but he cant come out of his room until you tell him its ok. Give him a gentle night light and NOT one of those spinning things. When they turn they make strange shadows on the wall and ceiling and can freak a child out. Also one of the white noise machines is good to cover up strange noises.Then just work on him staying in his room. When he gets up at night tell him to go back to his room and stay there. Dont tell him to go to bed or he has to sleep. When he gets bored with the new 'game' of your attention he will lay down and sleep on his own.

I agree with Laurie A, Mom on the Go and Julie V. According to Dr. Weissbluth, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, the child should take 1 or 2 naps during the day, and sleep 10-12 hours at night for the whole family to be happy and healthy. The nighttime routine works, but no method works unless you are CONSISTENT. You are exhausted and that makes it harder, but you must keep going. Try one method for a week, the same way every night. Take shifts so that one parent handles the early evening, the other handles the early morning hours. That way you both get some sleep. Remember you are trying to untrain a bad habit that he has had for a while. Since it started after he moved to the bed, I would think it's just trouble with transition. I would not use plastic on the windows though, since it's a suffocation hazard. I'm sure you can find some cheap, room darkening curtains or shades. It is certainly worth it to try some diet changes. Many food sensitivities can present as behavior issues. Be strong, you can do it! It will help your little boy throughout his life, and he will be a model for the new baby so you won't have so much trouble with him or her.

Hi J.,

I am a nurse and a mother and soon-to-be grandmama, and I do NOT recommend medicating children unless there is a dire need to do so, but in your case, maybe you should ask you pediatrician if perhaps an aspirin (or some other very mild sedative) with a cup of very warm vanilla/sugar milk might be in order for just long enough to "break this spell", or at least to give you and your husband relief one or two nights a week. Although I am no child expert nor trained in psychology, it appears that your little boy has found comfort in your bedroom before (did he sleep with you and your husband on occasion earlier on?). If so, those memories might be his motivation for wanting to go back to your room. So, it would seem that a period of his staying in his own room and getting adjusted to sleeping there all night is what is needed, i.e., replacing the comfortable feeling he gets from his parents' bed with a comfortable feeling of having stayed in his own bed as the "norm". And maybe a baby aspirin and warm milk would soothe his little psyche enough to allow this until he gets adjusted. Just ask your pediatrician whether or not she recommends a mild sedative like aspirin (or perhaps some other) for a very short period, as an experiment to see if he can get adjusted easier. I am very impressed by all the patient, thoughtful techniques you and your husband have already tried This phase WILL pass, but it might take years and with a new baby coming, you can't wait that long for relief. Very best of luck to you. Please post a progress report occasionally!
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P.S. I posted earlier about possibly giving baby Aspirin at night for sleep--Sorry!! I did NOT mean Aspirin; rather, I meant baby Tylonal, as I know Aspirin is dangerous until past age 18. Sorry for the goof.

J.,

This of course sounds counter-intuitive, but really, you can't give him toys until he is 4 or 5 to keep him in bed. Realistically, when the baby comes, he is very likely to even up the ante and go for something else. if he's smart enough to pile things up to get over a gate, really, you've got a smart boy on your hands, and he's looking for you. Eventually, he's going to find you. Or 'trouble' as everyone calls it.

He wants you and your husband. He wants to know you're there. Try putting his mattress on the floor in your room. Or a sleeping bag. Don't mention the change. Just do it. Leave his room without a gate, with all his furniture, just waiting for him. Let him go at his own pace. One day, after all the waking up has subsided (don't imagine that just being next to you means he won't wake worrying!) sit him down and just talk to him, about his room, and not what he's expected to do, but just let him know that it is available, and if he wakes before you, encourage him to play in his room quietly with toys - or go back to sleep.

Not only do YOU and YOUR HUSBAND need your sleep, (and back muscles) but HE does, too. If he's up all hours, he's not going to be in control of his actions during the day - and then where will he be later with an infant in the house?

Check out Mothering magazine online (and they will mail you past issues with articles, too). I cannot remember the date, but there was a beautiful article on co-sleeping/bed-sharing that, complete with all the scientific data, royally upset the separation-is-better myth.

It isn't wrong to co-sleep (sleep with your child in the room). It is simply just not mainstream what everyone else does (or admits to doing).

Quite frankly, as I remember from growing up, the techniques that are used are supposed to be followed up (were in years past when it was legal) with yelling, other verbal coercion, and corporal punishment (yep, hitting your kid) as a last resort to have the kid 'get the message' that they are not wanted in the parental bedroom.

Separating kids from their parents (or attentive adult like a nanny) is essentially something from the last 50-100 years or so.

There is so much more to say, and so much more to write, but really, you're on the path to finding out what will work for your child - and you - and your next family member.

Good luck!
M.

I would take a week or so off and let him sleep in a sleeping bag in your room or even back in his crib. Or let him start in bed and if he wakes up go to the sleeping bag. We had to do this kind of thing switching my son to a bed at 2.5 when I was pregnant. We started him in bed put he ended up in the crib for about 2 weeks until he was settled.

Then you can think about the routine you want and be rested enough to give it another go. I would put the gate at the top of the stairs instead of his bedroom door (you'll need it their again for the baby). Also, benedryl makes many kids sleepy (but a few get hyper) so you could try it for a few nights (this is what they use in some hospitals).I was very close to putting a lock on my 4 year old son's bedroom door for time outs but I think it isn't a great idea at night (my son would get scared). My son also likes his scary looking stuffed dragon as a protector (we got a nice one from Ikea).

You sound like you have tried everything.
He is a smart little man.
That may be part of the problem.
These are some suggestions.

Talk about bed time sometime during the day. Do not wait till bedtime. Let him know to grow up big and tall, his body needs sleep at night.
Does he have a favorite person that is a big tall person. (Dad, cousin neighbor?) You may have to have a few of these conversations.You may even ask this person to speak with him about how they ALWAYS sleep through the night and that is how they got so big and strong.

Explain that this person got this way by eating healthy foods and sleeping all night. Do you have a wall or door frame where you mark his height? If you do, remind him he used to sleep really well in his crib and was growing taller, but if he does not start sleeping in his bed, he will not grow as well. If you have not started marking his height start now. Let him know it will take a few weeks, but the more he sleeps at night, the taller he will get. Remind him he needs to stay in his bed. Even if he wakes up he can play quietly or look at books, but he may not get out of his bed. Let him know mommy and daddy need their sleep so he needs to be a big helper and stay quiet in his bed.

You need to decide on one way to get him to stay in bed and stick with it.
Yes, it may take 3 nights, but once he realizes you are not giving up, he will. This may mean starting on a friday night and continuing through Monday night. Take some days off from work if necessary and trade off on who will miss sleep that night.

Have you set up his room for sleeping in the summer? Black out curtains (one mom says she used Black trash bags). A fan that blows on him. A sound machine or soft music that plays on shuffle..

The other secret will be to make sure during these days, you wear him out.
Give him breakfast. Run a few errands, then take him to the park or swimming for 2 hours.. Lots of running swinging, climbing all sorts of physical activities. Then home for a cool wipe down, lots of hard rubs to cool him down. A VERY quiet lunch and then a short nap. Let him know you have more fun activities for the afternoon.. Again VERY active constant play. Ride his trike for a long way to the store? Maybe a nice nature walk on a hiking trail? Then home. NO TV, turn off phones. You are trying to not have distractions. And make it feel like nothing exciting is going on. Have him play in his room or somewhere playing so you can prepare dinner.

The more he gets riled up double that time for him to calm down.

Have a very quiet dinner, speak slightly quiet. Make sure he has a big glass of milk.

Then bath time.. No raucous play, just really warm water in a very cooled down bathroom. Make sure again there are no distractions.. No tv's no phones ringing. If he can hear children playing outside, figure out a way to block these sounds.. Quiet music or sound machine.

Wipe him down with really hard rubs. Speak quietly.Then wrap him in a towel and carry him to his room which has been darkened and cooled off.

Put on his pj's. Place him in bed and read him a story.(one he has heard a million times) Do not animate your voice. When you begin to get to the last few pages, read a little slower. If you start another book, again follow this pattern. Kiss him good night and remind him he needs his sleep and to stay in his bed because you want him t be a big kid. EACH time he gets out of bed, he must be returned. The only thing you need to say is "It is time for you to sleep." Yes, it can take hours. It can take many nights, but eventually he will realize you are way stronger than him and you are not going to back down.

I know this sounds like a lot of work, but when you really look at it , it is just a written out routine to follow. It will give him a pattern to know what will happen next. It will also get his body in the habit of relaxing and getting prepared for sleep. Eventually he will just naturally be tired and ready for bed.
I am sending you a good nights sleep.

I too believe in co-sleeping and if you are moving him over from your room because a new baby is coming, at 13 weeks pregnant you have LOTS of time. He is probably sensing your tension and reluctance too. You could try this: Try sleeping in his room with him, but get up when he goes to sleep. When he comes into your room at 1 am (or whenever) just let him stay until morning. As time goes on he will come in later and later (you can put him back in his room a few times too and lay down with him then). Closer to your due date, explain to him that when the new baby comes he will not be able to get in bed with you and the baby until the sun comes up because you need him to be a "helper and a big boy" and the new baby will need you a lot and that you took care of him like this when he was little. Good luck.

I am SUCH a believer in co-sleeping. Especially when a child is having trouble sleeping. This way you can observe his sleep habits more closely and pinpoint anything that might be causing his problems, like sleep-apnea, night-terrors, nightmares, etc... And if he's just feeling separation anxiety then he will sleep much better in bed with you and you will all be getting the sleep you need.

I believe in letting children decide when they are emotionally ready to sleep on their own at night vice deciding for them. If you let them have control over this aspect of their own lives, it makes for a happier, more secure child in the long run.