3 Year Old Gets Angry When You Ask If He Is Ok.

My daughter did this for a while at that age; she'd shout angrily "I OK!" and fold her arms. She doesn't anymore. Seems it's normal for some kids. Could be embarrassment/trying not to cry.

My 3 yr old girl also does this. Only when she actually gets hurt, but not hurt enough to cry, if you ask her if she's ok, she'll yell NO and turn and cross her arms over her chest. My husband and I have decided that she does this because she's embarrased. She does not like any attention on her, even if we sing to her on her birthday she'll do the same thing cross her arms and put her head down. If it happens and she does this when we ask if she's ok, we'll just leave her alone and she'll get over it after a few minutes. I have no idea where this comes from either because none of my friends kids do this or my nieces. My daughter is also kind of shy so we just agree that it's embarrasment.

Hi N. T :-)

You described both boys as being sweet and well mannered. You then stated the older one as being exuberantly personable to everyone and the younger one being the most stubborn child you have ever met and has been so since he left the womb. When we create images of things and then project our belief about them into our expectations, a lot of the time our expectations are met.

You describe the older brother as being a drama queen and when he gets hurt, cries and cries like it's the end of the world. Then you describe what happens to the younger one when he gets hurt. It seems from what you are saying, that when he is genuinely hurt, he will immediately rebuff your help by angrily saying Stop, don't say that! There are many levels and qualities of anger, and one flavor of anger comes from fear. Sometimes, when we are fearful, we actually express anger in order to have enough "umph" to deal with the situation. The younger one may also sense that everyone feels he is "stubborn" and that energy feels like "pushing against" and so he may feel he has to push away first.

The younger child may be observing his older brother and how he handles actually being hurt (you said he is a drama queen) and may not want that for himself. I'm imagining all kinds of responses to the older brothers drama queen reactions...?

What I might suggest is that you find a happy quiet time to be with this younger child and you play/talk about situations where boo boos can occur. Maybe get a doll and play together and have the doll going up a jungle gym or something and then have the doll fall down and go ouch.. and then ask the little one, what should we do? In other words, engage the little one in play and recreate several scenarios and see what his responses are. Be very open to listen very well to what he is saying and how he is responding, you may well receive key elements in helping you determine how it is he wishes to be treated and what he is expecting and the whys of his behavior.

At this quiet time, I might also let him know how much you love him and when he gets hurt while playing, you will look over to him and let HIM call you over for assistance, if he feels he needs you there. Asking a young child, let alone an adult the generic question: "Are you ok?" is a hard one to answer! I might change it to does it hurt? Do you have an owie? Do you need me to come and help you? Something more along those lines once you have established how he feels and what he shows you he needs.

The key seems to be that when he IS hurt, he gets angry at your attention or blames you and doesn't make the connection, and when he is not hurt, he smiles and goes on about his play. So working with what he needs to feel safe and comforted when he DOES get hurt is the issue. And play acting in a safe space when he is not hurt can be a good place to begin.

Last thought is your last line in your describing this as his natural behavior, one he has always done and something his brother NEVER does... he may just be working on doing his best NOT to behave like the brother does, the "drama queen".

hugs,
A. R.N., Energy Medicine Practitioner

My niece is like that. She get really embarrased and freaks out. My own 3 year old does this when she's really hurt, but out of frustration, not out of a small thing. If I can tell it's a small thing, I just say (cheerfully) "Uh, oh ! You ok?" Most of the time she doesn't miss a beat, but some times it's huge ordeal. This is not abnornal at all! Kids just have different personalities, that's all. Let him go on his own and decide whether it's an issue or not. You call tell if he's hurt seriously or not.... Just let his cues lead the way!

use the theory if there is no blood or broken bones they are fine. my 2 1/2 yr old feels no pain if he is truly hurt he comes to me without me asking and wants his booboo hug. I have seen this kid hit a concrete floor and get a goose egg and never cry. he just slaps the place he hurts. :) I know goose eggs hurt but he doesnt cry when he gets them so I leave him be.

Hi N. T.,

I nannied for years too, and thanks for a very well-written post. It sounds to me like it 'comes from' his personality. His response seems to be a very angry one when he is hurt, based on your description. Our job as the loving adults in their lives is much as the parent's job: to provide empathy and help contain their emotions. What this might look like: when you ask "Are you hurt?" and he gets upset, you can address the sound of his voice as opposed to his words. "Your voice sounds very angry. It's no fun to fall (or whatever happened). You don't like that." and offer first aid or hugs if he wants. From your words, it sounds like you feel his anger is directed at you; my guess would be that while he's directing it outward, he's inwardly angry or frustrated with himself or the situation at hand.

If it were me, I would take the more empathetic route, be sure to ask him what *he* thinks might make him feel better too, and try not to take it personally. I know that's easier said than done, because our relationships are that of a surrogate parent and we have that closeness that sometimes makes it a little harder to have a more distant and objective approach. Give this a try for a while. I also like both Bruno Bettelheim's "The Good Enough Parent" and Margo Sunderland's "The Science of Parenting" in their thought around meeting and containing children's stress levels and levels of anxiety.

You sound like a terrific N. to be so concerned about your young charge. Let us know how it goes!

It sounds like he is mad that he got hurt and just needs some time to calm down. Every kid is different. Maybe you could ask him about it when he's not hurt and see what he says.

Both my sons acted this way at that age. I think it is normal. Just continue to ask if he needs help and then let him be for a while until he gets everything under control.

It's just his personality.

Just try giving him a little, quick hug without saying anything. Or maybe he just doesn't want anyone to do or say anything. If that's the case, that's fine.

Maybe you could just wait for a couple minutes until the initial pain/embarrassment are gone, and then give him the hug.