3 Year "Lying?"

My thought is a question for you. How do you (and your husband) respond when he answers truthfully - but something that is negative? If you get mad, then he has learned that telling the truth gets him in trouble.

That said, I don't think 3 year olds get the concept of lying. At this age it can also be a point of just saying things to see what you do. (My 2 year old ALWAYS answers 'no' - even when asked if he wants ice cream.)

I'd continue to talk to him, and see if you can tease the correct answer out of him. I jest with my kids and tease the answer out in a non-threatening manner. When given the accurate answer then I compliment them for telling me the truth. (Sometimes getting the truth is more important than getting the behavior corrected.) Positive reinforcement helps SO much.

Continue working with him on this. You are right about not wanting to deal with this long term. :)

Hope that is helpful.
-V

At that age my son didn't really understand the difference (verbally) between what he WANTED to have happen (or not to have happened) and the truth.

It took MONTHS of practice to get him to the point where he would say "Wouldn't it be exciting/interesting/fun/amazing/ if
_____________ insert story _________________________________. ((His stories included saying things like he got hit by a car and taken to the hospital... because he thought it would be the best thing ever to ride in an ambulance... so he came up with an appropriate story as to how it would happen. ALL the time. His preschool teacher would share with me that we were apparently bank robbers, our house had burned down, everyone had been killed, we got a pet ______ -dog, cat, fish, giraffe-)

-or-

"It would have been better if _______" or "I regret ________" or "I'm sad/afraid/angry I did _______"

We disciplined for lies by 3. We have the "two consequences for a lie, and one for the truth" rule, but to get the kids in the habit of telling the truth, so far we've never disciplined unless they lie because they're still pretty young (2 1/2 and 4 1/2). If you know the answer to something, and warn him before answering, "OK, tell the truth. You will get in trouble for the lie." and follow through, you'll see he totally understands and will start to tell the truth when you tell him to.

It must be developmental. My 3.5 year old is doing that too. She is super creative. I laugh at the funny stuff and I discipline for the not funny stuff (hitting, coloring on the wall, etc.)

Farting? The baby in her tummy did it.

Burping? It was the dog.

Made a mess? Her doll, Parsley did it. Parsley ends up in time out.

I don't think she actually knows why she does it--I think they're still trying to figure out that just because you say it doesn't make it true. Part of it is imagination. Part of it is trying something new. I treat it like anything else that needs to be learned...repetition. "I saw you hit the dog. You know that's not okay. Apologize or go to time out."...etc.

love that you put it in quotes. yeah this is totaly normal, it is annoying but normal. it is not really that he is trying to get out of trouble, kinda but mostly it is yeah he does not really get the whole lying thing, he is testing it out. plus he has no concept of fansty and reality so that is a bit of it too.....w/o getting too educational on you LOL. so it is really harmless. there is no harm in talking to him about it when it happens and opening showing him when you are being truthful and how hard it can be at times. GREAT and nutty way to do it is to self talk: example: wow, that was really hard to tell daddy I ate the last cookie bc I know he really wanted it but it was true and I feel better that I told the truth: do it all the time, it will become natural soon. I do it for anger: pretend I am angry and model how to handle it, since my DD is at temper tantrum stages...I notice she is starting to copy me now so it does work. Time out should be used sparingly and only for major things wherne you cant think of another from of discipline. keep up the good work mommy!

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love that you put it in quotes. yeah this is totaly normal, it is annoying but normal. it is not really that he is trying to get out of trouble, kinda but mostly it is yeah he does not really get the whole lying thing, he is testing it out. plus he has no concept of fansty and reality so that is a bit of it too.....w/o getting too educational on you LOL. so it is really harmless. there is no harm in talking to him about it when it happens and opening showing him when you are being truthful and how hard it can be at times. GREAT and nutty way to do it is to self talk: example: wow, that was really hard to tell daddy I ate the last cookie bc I know he really wanted it but it was true and I feel better that I told the truth: do it all the time, it will become natural soon. I do it for anger: pretend I am angry and model how to handle it, since my DD is at temper tantrum stages...I notice she is starting to copy me now so it does work. Time out should be used sparingly and only for major things wherne you cant think of another from of discipline. keep up the good work mommy!

Just today my 3-year-old daughter (and she just turned 3 a few weeks ago) asked me for ice cream for lunch.

I told her no, we don't have ice cream for lunch.

She told me that Daddy said she could.

I said, "Oh really? Maybe I should ask Daddy about that!" And he happened to be home, working outside. When I went to the door to get his attention, my daughter flipped out. She starts crying and yelling, "No no no! Don't talk to Daddy! Don't talk to Daddy! I want some ice cream!"

This is the first time she's ever said anything resembling a lie, and I think she knew what she was doing, otherwise why would she not want me to find out the truth from her dad?

Not sure how much this helps, but does make me wonder too about how much they are capable of trying to get away with by lying.

Ditto Valerie F. below.

My son just made 4... and when he was 3 and even now, he does things like that sometimes. He is not 'lying'... but thinks something else about it. How do I know? Because I ask him. I ask him "what do you mean...?" "Why do you think that way?" "Why did you say that?" etc.

And of COURSE a child will say "I didn't do it" if he thinks he will get in trouble. Smart kid.

But sure, you can explain things... but don't expect what he cannot understand. That is the bottom line.
Anytime a parental 'expectation" is NOT what a child cannot do nor understand... it will just lead to frustration/resentment for the child toward parent and parent toward child.

Just guide him.
That is different from just assuming he is being boldly bad.
He is a child... not an adult.
Keep things age appropriate.
I hope your Hubby can do that.
Or your Hubby will always be frustrated with your son.

as a tip: A boy especially, NEEDS to learn how to express themselves/their feelings... NOT just saying what a Parent expects or not just saying something out of 'fear' of being scolded.
Otherwise, then "lying" will become a non-fiction issue for your son. It will become 'habit.'
As you see... he does NOT know the difference between 'fiction' and non-fiction. Typical of his age... they do say things to prevent from getting in trouble. And to them, it is real. Even if we think it is not.
To me, your son just does not want to get in trouble.

Here is a link for you and which I hope your Husband will also heed:
http://www2.scholastic.com/browse/article.jsp?id=702

Kids, don't 'lie' like adults. Different concept.

all the best,
Susan