Hi Moms, I'm a SAHM and I have always had my son with me pretty much 24/7, I tried socializing him into a few groups early on but he was never really that into it, always wanting to go off and do his own thing. He does have cousins and playmates in the neighborhood that he is interested in playing with from time to time, so he does like/enjoy other children, just in small numbers. People have commented (and its very obvious to anyone) how attached my son is to me, and up until recently it was to a point where I couldn't even leave him at a grandparents house without him crying for me. We didnt feel this was healthy at his age so we have worked hard to cure him of that, now he loves going to his grandparents and even staying over.
Heres the problem: three weeks ago he started preschool, and while I thought given his reluctance to separate from me it would be a drawn out battle, he seemed to go in the first day and adapt quite nicely. No crying, no fuss, we couldnt believe it! But now, I am getting a call every day from his teacher telling me he is soiling his pants/having very loose stools 2-3 times per day at preschool, and if its not solid, they wont change it, I have to come back and take care of it. It happens almost every day. I have tried not giving him juice, fruit, etc etc....but he still does it. His pedi says its nerves and he'll get over it. Its a real disruption to his day and his social progress.
Whats worse is that I am so heartbroken that I thought my son seemed to adjust nicely to preschool, but on the insides his stomach is obviously turning upside down with anxiety--so hes totally internalizing it and not verbalizing how he feels. He never has these kind of bowel movements at home, or as often. I dont know what to do, or how to approach the teachers with it. I cant keep coming to school to change him, hes never going to progress that way. I should add that we are still working on potty training, he has the peeing part down but not poop....which is irrelevant b/c he is doing neither while at school. Is this practice of not changing "runny" #2 standard for preschools in Mass? Any thoughts? Thanks in advance.....
Hi Moms, thank you all so much for the responses, they really helped us make the right decision, or what I hope is right. We had a meeting with my sons preschool on Monday, and we were all ready to pull him out. I had even found another school. But before we could say anything they had already met with the rest of the staff and put a plan in place to accommodate us, and will work with us in helping my son become more comfortable at school, and that includes changing him for as long as he needs. I wrestled with this for a long time and aside from having constant accidents, my son seems to love his preschool; he always gets excited to go, runs into the classroom without reservation, hugs and kisses his teacher goodbye, (the one he prefers) and comes home singing songs that they learned that day, and also talks about the other children there. That has to mean he's having fun, doesnt it? It's a mystery why he doesn't feel comfortable going to the bathroom there. His teachers think he is either too excited to stop playing or he just needs to feel more comfortable with his surroundings. They say he doesnt ask them for help with anything; going potty, helping open his lunch, put shoes on, etc. Again, they think he just needs to get more comfortable with them. By nature, he is a very cautious and slow to warm up child....and extremely sensitive.
This school is NAEYC certified, so they have to meet certain criteria, I have to have faith in that system as certification is so difficult to acquire. I felt like changing schools would have been more traumatic at this point, and as long as he is being treated well, encouraged, and he seems to enjoy it there, what do I have to worry about? Id rather not have have gone through what we did the past two weeks and feel all the negative thoughts I did, but its not about me, right? I work there 2-3 times a month (it's a co-op) so I can see whats going on, plus I get reports from the other mothers the days they work. I hope we made the right discussion. Sometimes I feel like my "gut" feeling switch is defective these days!
What towns might be convenient for you? Others on this site might have a new preschool they can recommend.
Personally, if my child was having a hard time at preschool, I would just pull her out for a while. When my oldest was 3 (she is only 4 now), we started her in a preschool that was 2 1/2 hours three times per week. The first few weeks she cried and was upset. I gave her a month and if at the end of the month, she was not happier, I was going to pull her out and wait a few months before trying again. At 3 years old, there is nothing wrong with strong attachments to mommy. I am not sure why, as a society, we keep telling moms that this is not okay. What would be sad was if a 3 year old was not attached to his/her mommy. If your little one is that upset, I would take him out of preschool for a while and see if he is ready later on. I feel switching him to a new preschool would be just as traumatic for him...having to readjust, etc.
Hi M.,
It really does sound like you are in a difficult situation. Frankly, before assuming it's all nerves I would check in again with the pediatrician.
Daycare centers are full of all kinds of viruses and fall and spring, in particular, are times of increased GI illnesses. Young children's hygiene is simply not sufficient to really control outbreaks. Considering your son has never before attended childcare, he has very little immunity, so be prepared for this to be a year full of illnesses.
Assuming, though, that it is being caused by anxiety, If you pull him out you may reinforce his fears only to have to deal with them even stronger at kindergarten age; not to mention, if hasn't been to any childcare by then, he will probably have kindergarten be the year he catches many viruses. This could lead to him missing valuable class time.
If you can, try asking him if he feels scared about going to school. If you open the doors of communication, which I admit is difficult with a three year old, maybe he could verbalize some of his anxieties and then they won't be so scary. Sometimes kids keep their fears so deeply hidden, even they are not conscious of specific fears. If you help him identify them they may be dispelled.
Bottom line, you have to consider his health primarily. Is your son having enough loose bowel movements to put him at risk for dehydration? Is your pediatrician aware of how long this has been going on for. Just because the first time you took your son the doc brushed it off, doesn't mean you shouldn't follow up if the symptoms persist. As well M., listen to your gut, if you feel overall happy with the facility then persevere; if you have any reservations whatsoever, if something makes you feel uncomfortable, pull your son out and either find another facility or even wait a year. Best Wishes to you and your little boy.
J. L.
If you are still SAH I would take him out of that pre-school ASAP. How horrible to not change your poor son! That must just make him feel worse that they won't even touch him. I'd wait until he is a little older to try school. He is still very young. I feel so bad for him. I hope you can keep him home with you a bit longer!
I absolutely second Denise. New preschool. Of course he isn't adjusting with you coming in all the time! A reasonable rule is that kids with loose BMs get sent home (if the school thinks they're sick) but tummies are complicated things, and the idea that they won't change a messy child who is having tummy problems because of anxiety is horrible!
If the preschool does not require kids to be completely potty trained, then they need to change him. It is ridiculous to call the parent every time. If they DO require potty training, then perhaps he is not ready for school yet. At any rate, he's figured out that every time he soils himself, Mom comes to be with him. So, even if it started out as a nervous stomach or a reaction to stress, he's doing it constantly to keep you with him. You and the school must come to some accommodation immediately, and implement it consistently. This current situation is absolutely unacceptable and there is no benefit to him being in school the way it's being handled.
I have a thought for you, change preschools and fast! Ive worked in different preschools for 20 yers and have never worked in a place that wouldnt change a child. Your poor son must be mortified. What a thing for him to have to go through. Its very strange that he can only do that at school and not at home. regardless, get him out of there and somewhere where they understand sensitive children. Good luck!
My gut tells me that you should pull him and wait a year. There is nothing wrong with keeping him home for another year-many families do it.
The anxiety sounds too much for him and his little brain prob needs to mature a bit more.
But if this isn't possible you could put him on a bananna, applesauce and cheese diet!
Good luck!
This must be very troubling for you. I agree with everyone saying to change his preschool.
Part of their job their is to ease his integration and adjustment away from life only at home with you into structured school day. Clearly calling you every time he has an accident is stunting that adjustment. If he is anxious or nervous, they should be helping him deal with that. Pulling him out bring him back home won't solve any problems. Your son is at the age to begin this adjustment. This school is not a good match for him. (In fact it doesn't sound like a good match for anyone, or a good school at all, to me!) Best of luck!
Hi M., I actually completely disagree with the advice right below. Taking your son out of pre-school, would only teach him that all he has to do is get nervous and you will take him right out of the situation. He is 3and a half, and it is very normal where he has been home with you all this time to have anxiety, to what level is normal, well your pedo will be able to answer that. But you and his teachers need to work together to make this work. He is going to have to go to kindergarten and its better to have him ready when he goes. As far as you teaching him at home, well thats just ridiculas, the point of pre-school is for children to learn how to take direction from someone other than their parent and most of all to learn and interact with other children. I am too a stay at home mom of an only child. She had very bad seperation anxiety, and she still does. She loves school, and never had a problem with that it was more doing an overnight at my parents house, or if i am late to pick her up at school ect... She just turned 5, and in 5 yrs I have never left her for more than 1 night and only a few times. Well I recently was in a friends wedding and it was in MI, and i would be gone for 5 days. Well she def had anxiety, but I had to go. I have talked with my pedo and she has advised me to leave her more often. At her pre-school a lot of kids will cry in the beginning. And the teachers come over and take the child and wave goodbye to the parent. Its tough I know. But in the long run we are teaching them to deal with different situations. I would talk to your little boy, and tell him its okay to miss mommy, that you miss him too. I would continue to go and change him, eventually it will stop. Its still sept. It has not been that long. Hope this helps good luck!!!
First of all I think it is ridiculous that his school can change one type of poop and not another! Maybe they are giving him something in school that might be giving him diarea? Maybe he could have bonannas or oatmeal for breakfast to solidify things a bit. What ever it is I'm sure it will pass quickly...good luck!
Hi M.,
I'm so sorry for you and your son. He sounds like a sensitive little boy. I'm no child psychologist, but if going to pre-school is causing him this much anxiety and stress why don't you just take him out? If you're in a position to stay home with him, why not just keep him home with you. There's nothing they learn in pre-school that you can't teach him at home. They're only little once. Several years from now when he only wants to hang out with his friends you'll miss the days when he wanted to me with you all the time. If you're concerned about him getting interaction with children his age, keep trying playdates with friends and relatives and maybe sign him up for gymnastics or something fun like that, where you're there during his class, but he's getting to know other kids his age. Sometimes your local library has little things that you can sign up for - like story hour or arts and crafts and they're scheduled by age. By the time he's 5 or 6 maybe he'll be more ready for school and it won't be so traumatic. That's just some ideas that I had. I wish you all the best.
Jen
I think it is good that they don't change his diaper. That's the kind of thing that either a mom, family member, or babysitter should change him, not some person in a pre-school. So I would say to just be patient and talk to your boy and tell him it's OK, and don't get upset if you have to go back there 3 times a day. He will sense if you are nervous! He will sense if you are upset and anxious! So just go in and say to him, "No problem! I love you and I will come as much as you need me!" And one more suggestion: if you are spiritual at all, throw it up to God and ask him to help you! He definitely will, trust me. :)
Hi..Your pedi sounds pretty wrong to me...Common sense and knowing your child will immediately tell you that children, especially that age, will externalize their emotions..not internalize them as your pedi suggests...saying it is 'nerves'...That is so ridiculous to me. You know your child...do you feel he is overly stressed at attending preschool? You yourself said that he did not show any outward emotion of being upset or scared or any seperation issues whatsoever....and knowing him..does it seem normal to you that he would hide all of this if in fact he really were scared at being left at preschool? I don't think children of that age can fully process all the emotions in the way your pedi thinks he is..like not showing it on the outside and keeping all that supposed turmoil on the inside. Plus, you have stated that your son has let you know on a lot of occassions, like at grandma's, that he's not wanting to be left and that he is outwardly upset..knowing this about him would tell you that he is in fact, going to let you know if he's not OK with something. So don't get yourself all worked up about this and create anxiety over this as it clearly isn't the case that your son is soiling himself because he has all of this inner turmoil. We all have adjustment periods to different and new surroundings..it's simple. My son at that age also had issues with loose stools and soiling at school. The very simple answer was that he was suffering from some constipation. Perhaps your son because of his new surroundings at preschool feels uncomfortable about the bathroom etc....and whatever they may have set in place for potty training etc. Your son cannot help the loose stools from coming out especially if he's holding back a regular bowel movement...those loose and watery accidents will come out even if your son is trying not to have that happen. You are not having these issues at home at all becuase your son has a routine there and is most comfortable..not the case at school. Give it some adjustment and for me what really helped my son a lot was giving him a tablespoon of mineral oil every day. You can buy it at any pharmacy etc..and it's only about $3...This will help lubricate and regulate your son's bowels and the schedule in which he goes...Try and figure out his bathroom schedule and give the oil accordingly so as not to have your son needing to go when he's at preschool...this to will be trial and possibly error until you get it figured out. I'd give it to my son at night before bed and he would be ready to go in the morning before school..try it out..you have nothing to lose and the solution could be as simple as that and you will be able to eliminate all that worry going on that something else is wrong...
