3 1/2 Year Old Not Wanting to Potty Train.

Hi L.,
It is my opinion that Brandy M. has the right answer. With you little girls age and another new baby, she's having a hard time being the big sister. My granddaughter is doing the same presently. Give her as much time as you can and lots of her own special attention. It works miracles. Good luck.

You know what you just told everyone? You told everyone the answer your looking for. If she refuses to wear big girl panties, let her be naked. Take away those diapers. There is no training once they get to 3. You know she is capable of using the potty. If she screams at you, ignore her. It only takes so long to get a new routine going and eventually, she will forget all about diapers. My son was doing the same thing and I finally said no more. Why should you have to wait for her to want to do something? Nope, not me. If I knew she was ready and able, I'm not spending money on diapers, plain and simple. If she wants to scream her head off, she can do it in her own room... You're treating her like you're taking the orders from her! No! Stand up to her and show her who's boss!

Our son needed a gentle, nurturing approach. If he felt pushed (my husband is a little pushy and impatient), he shut down. It sounds like you have a lot going on, a lot on your plate to deal with. It might be hard to connect with her when you are busy and frustrated. I'd try to quiet my mind, and connect with where the child is coming from. When I did this, I could see what my son needed. "you're a big boy now" stuff didn't work either.

A lot of kids feel insecure without their diaper, because they've always had it. It feels strange to them to let their pee and poop fall into thin air. She's at an age where she wants to have some control (and should have), she needs to learn how to have healthy control of herself. She's old enough that you can ask her what she wants to do as far as underwear and pants. We let our son do that, and he let us know what his comfort level was (this was only in the house, of course), and sometimes it did turn into a funny game. THen you are reducing your battles; you can continue to choose the ones that are most important. You've already discovered you can't make her use the potty, she has to be a willing partner. And I think it's easier and better for everyone that way. Some parents choose some traumatizing methods, and it has long term harmful effects. If you can try to talk with her about what she's going through, and support her as she gets used to the new process, you may make some headway. Try to turn it into fun (I don't mean with rewards, etc, but just your loving, fun, playful attention, that is what kids want most). It may take a few weeks, but she's almost there! Best wishes, hang in there!

Usually I say my thing about you can't make a child eat, sleep, or pee and poop on schedule, but you really need help!

I have a son who was not trained until four--his younger sister (by 2 years) nearly trained the same time. And I had mountains of diapers. I can't imagine your load of diapers.

I would leave the diapers off in the house. I would take a week off from going anywhere. Stock up on food so you don't have to go grocery shopping.

Then take her diapers off permanently. Show her where her underpants are and tell her if she wants to go outside to play she has to wear underpants. If she wants to go to the library she has to wear underpants. And so on. Make the places really somewhere she really wants to go--like the Ice Cream store or visit a friend. And--she has to go before you leave the house, just in case.

Make it desirable for her to train herself so you don't have to do it. Enlist the help of your husband. Perhaps he can stay home to help.

Good luck.

Well, many people disagree with my family's way of potty training, but we all had kids in underwear by 3, so it's up to you.

You tell them it's time to be done with diapers/pullups and you take them away. This is a challenge for mom, because it means cleaning up a lot of pee, but it shows kiddo that mom's in charge, not them. You take them regularly and reward them if they go. (Hugs, happy talk, dancing, high fives, and 4 M&Ms was my usual method, but it just depends on what the child responds to most.)

However, if the child peed on the floor, or in the pants, etc, there was stern talk, a firm "no", an uncaring change of clothing and no more attention. As they got older and proved that they could easily go by themselves and they chose not to, then they received a firm swat to the bare butt.

This is about them choosing not to do something they are capable of. You need to establish that now that she is a big girl she goes on the toilet. Along with that, you can give her other examples of what big girl things she does with mommy that her little siblings cannot do because they are too little.

Blessings on your journey!

My daughter was late to the potty training game also. Neither of my girls liked the potty chair I purchased. One preferred the "travel potty" chair I picked up from a garage sale and the other one only liked one specific ring that went on the toilet seat. I also encouraged the girls to read books and sit on the toilet for a bit. I didn't use punishment for accidents but did use high praise for successes. I also didn't get too excited about potty training and accidents. My 2nd daughter did not have control of the bowels until late in the game - I knew she was getting close when she would pull out a pull-up and change out of panties into the pull-up, then 20 minutes later need to be changed. Once she was cleaned up, she would go back to her panties and everyone was happy. Since she was the 2nd child, I had a large assortment of panties and always let her choose which ones she wanted to wear. And yes, she was picky and like your daughter prefered to go naked if she couldn't have her choice. One day she finally pooped in the toilet and happily declared "mommy, I know how to make the poop come out of my butt!" A couple of days later, we conveniently used the "last pull-up", and I made a point to show her an empty box. Every time she asked for one, I reminded her we used the last one and she doesn't need them any more because now she is a big girl who can go potty in the toilet. We still had a few accidents here and there, but I found that saying "uh-oh, let's get you cleaned up" created a whole lot less drama than getting upset. I also had her help me put her wet clothes in a bucket in the laundry area. Accidents are rare but she still has a very short amount of time to get to the bathroom when she decides she has to go. If you are at home, I think it is OK to let your daughter go around the house 1/2 naked. As long as she knows the rules for being dressed when you go out. I also found better success in clothes my daughter could easily pull down herself, so she still wears a lot of pants and shirts instead of dresses and tights, even to church. Hang in there mom - I know it is hard right now with 3 in diapers (I only had 2 in diapers at once, so I am sure your load is huge). But I honestly believe patience is the answer. You might also consider setting a timer for yourself - to remind you to have you daughter sit down on the potty at regular intervals. I also found my daughter did a lot better on the days I reminded her to go potty than on the days I didn't. Good luck!

The little girl you are describing is more than likely unhappy about two little siblings stealing so much of your attention, time, energy, and possibly love. She didn't ask for such a busy and tired mommy. She wants to be one of the little babies that still gets your affection and tenderness. I'll bet she hears quite a lot of requirements from you, and doesn't understand yet that if she could only do what you want, she might gain more of the approval she's craving.

I hope you'll read some of the material by Faber and Mazlish, particularly Siblings Without Rivalry and ow to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. (You can read part of this really practical guide to communicating with your kids here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081...) They can show you how to help meet your daughter's emotional needs so that she doesn't have to bid for your attention by staying in diapers.

Good luck.

Have you tried letting her use your toilet? She might not like the little potty chair. My 3 year old had a very strange issue with the potty. When I found out what her problem was, we were able to come up with a solution. She didn't have any trouble after that.

My 3 1/2 yr old son is potty trained but we have recently been struggling with how to discipline him in a way that gets through. Just yesterday I found that giving him choices worked a lot better than me telling him what to do. You could try giving your daughter the choice of going on the little potty or the big potty, wearing elmo undies or princess undies, etc. By giving her the choices, you let her know that she has to go potty and wear underwear but she gets to choose (within the boundaries you set) how she wants to do it. I think this makes them feel more in control and more willing to do things.

Take away the diapers and tell her she doesn't have a choice. :)

I'm sorry to say, but this is a battle of wills, one that your daughter is not going to give up on easily. I am the mother of almost 5 and I can say, at least from my experience, the more you push it, the more she will resist. Have you tried a rewards system of some sort? We had orange tick tacks (we called them tinkle tacks) we would tell them "One for a try, two for a go" (One for trying to go potty and two for succeeding). You could also try completely getting rid of the diapers (out of sight out of mind) and going from there. Good luck. I know it can be very frustrating.

You decide when she's going to be potty trained and you do it. At this point in time she's training you to march to her drum. You take her out and shop for big girl pants. Have them as fancy as can be, with ruffles, with pictures, her favorite color..whatever. But these are what she's going to wear now because she's a big girl and big girls aren't babies. Diapers are for babies. You already have a baby or two, she is your big girl, the big sister. You may have a few accidents at night, but use your rubber pads on her bed, under her fitted sheet. It will be work, it's not easy, but it will happen.

Durng the day, make sure that the pants, have elastic waist bands so she can pull them up and down easily when she has to go to the bathroom. Take her potty when you go potty. Have conversations while you each sit on your 'pots'. Have a book or two for her to read. Make it accessible at all times. Celebrate her success. Take her to a movie, just you and her, or go shopping, to a kid friendly restaurant, just the 2 of you. Dad can watch the others for a bit. Or better yet, have Dad take her out. She's a big girl! Right now she's competing for your time and attention, there should be a non-compete clause when it comes to kids, everyone gets the time and attention they need and when possible want. Yes, it's draining on the parents, but it's such a short period of time in the the continunum of life... take, make the time for them now and you'll reap the benefits of that investment a 100 times over later.

I started potty training my kids when they started walking. The potty chair was a fixture in our bathroom for over 8 years with 3 kids... 5 years between the oldest and the youngest. They were successfully day time trained by 24 months and dry at night by the time they 30 months old. There might have been the occasional accident when they were sick, so pull-ups minimized any trauma or heartache. And I always packed them when we went on vacation, as the path to the bathroom was foreign territory during the night for all of us.

I wish you well!!

When I first put my son in undies he had 13 accidents and was begging for his pull-up back. I said no. Once he knew I would not give in he started using the potty. The second day we had 2 accidents, and than very rarely after that. It is a control thing. Take a way the diapers, and if she pees do not make a big deal out of it, just tell her she can go clean her self up, and if she got the floor have her clean that as well, but other than that act like you do not care if she wants to be all wet and stinky, and do not give in to the demand for diapers. Once she knows you are sticking to your guns, she should fall into line.

My thought about her wanting to wear her diaper and not underwear yet is that maybe she is still not used to the idea. Kids are used to routine and change is hard. Some kids have a harder time with change. Maybe it is a sensory issue for her too. Does she hate tags? Does she like the softness of the diaper? It seems a bit odd, but some times having someone help you think outside the box is helpful. I know it is annoying that they don't want to potty train. You say you have three in diapers? Maybe she doesn't want to be the big girl yet, especially is you have a new baby. She may be wanting to be the baby. It is very hard for kids to transition with new things. A new little baby in the house might be enough to make her not want to potty train. Hang on there mama! It know it is hard. Maybe you could reward her for using the potty with alone time with mom. Take her somewhere special or to by a small toy..Good luck!!

Well, have you tried bribing her? My son is over three and we've been potty training for over a year now and he's still in diapers! Well, actually, we've moved to a pull-up during the day and he's doing pretty well with it most days, but he won't wear underwear either. For some reason, though, he does it for daddy during the weekends, so you could try getting your husband to try with her. We moved from giving him skittles or m&ms every time he peed or poohed in the potty to now giving him something if he goes all weekend in the potty or all day or whatever. (I go to the dollar section in Target and get little things or the dollar store or whatever). He does very well when there's a toy involved. I keep meaning to move to sticker charts and do toys at the end of so many stickers or whatever, too... I have 9-month-old twins, too, though, so I'm a little disorganized when it comes to setting stuff up at the moment... Anyway, the idea of a new toy seems to work for us... And most times now he just goes by himself with no skittles or toys, so we're getting there... slowly...