3 1/2 Year Old Having Sharing and Anger Problems

hi M.;

i agree w the mom who said he's only 3.5 and not to expect perfect sharing too soon; HOWEVER; my adivce to you, having a 3.5 yr old boy also, and a 20 mo old girl is;

"1-2-3 MAGIC!"

this is a behavior correction system that is humane, simple, and absolutely works. it's by Dr. Phelan, a ped psychologist, and you can buy the book used on Amazon for like $8. the book is a fast and enjoyable read; we read it in two nights. and if you use the system 100% of the time, EXACTLY as the book directs, you WILL have great improvement in a week, i am not kidding.

when my son was about 32 mos till the summer he turned 3, he went through some terrible aggression and anger; hitting, pushing the baby, beating up older kids on the playground; he basically spent all his playschool time in time out; he was hitting us, screaming; horrible. we took him to a ped psychologist just to be on the safe side and the dr evaluated us and him for an hour; and he said to us that we have a bright, strong, charming child who has a lot of stress and that we have poor boundaries. in fact we had recently moved, which was stressful, my husband was working a lot of overtime, my son was getting very jealous of the baby, it was all very hard on him. and we realized that we were allowing a lot of our anxiety to filter down to our son.

the 1-2-3 system is NOT like random time-outs. it's very specific. it teaches you how to take responsibility as the parent, to take control of yourself and the behavior of your child, without apology or drama. this dr. had us buy this book and he coached us for about 3 weeks on how to use it. and our son's behavior turned around completely. we continue to use it with great success and plan to start it with our daughter when she turns 2.

you don't need a doctor to coach you tho; just read the book thoroughly as the book directs; start with the intro. and practice the system correctly. your son will thank you.

lots of luck,
J.

you've already solved the first part of your problem...don't make empty threats! Mean what you say and follow through! And hey, if your child's having a lousy playdate...LEAVE and don't feel bad about it(odds are the other parent and child aren't enjoying the drama either...appologize and reschedule for another day). We all have bad days, it's part of our job as a parent to manage these things(plan playdates for the morning when kids are happy, not tired and hungry...and so forth). As for the sharing, that's a hard one...yes you should teach it and try, but you know your child best and some three year olds aren't ready...remember it's a learned behavior...so it takes practice! As for what to tell him...don't always over explain...sometimes no is just no..and when the kid is having a tantrum...he's not listening and absorbing it, so save it for later...and remember to go back and discuss what happened later when all is calm..."I really liked the way you shared your shovel at the park" or "when you kicked your friend it made him cry..."also on the way to a playdate or when you are expecting some one over go over what is going to happen"Joey is comming over to play and he is going to play with you with your toys"(and it's okay to hide/put away special toys...not everything has to be shared) or "we are going to the park and I expect you to...and if you throw a fit..." and again follow through. Remember, it's a lot easier/faster for a 3yr old to get mad and hit than to find the words and explain feelings...so it's not an anger issue so much as a search for how to deal with it correctly...we all get mad but we've learned to take a breath and move on...now this is the time when we teach this lesson...3 and 4 are hard years...they're too old to be "little" and they're too little to be "big"...it's tough on them...but don't worry this too shall pass! Best of luck!

Hi M.,

I second the other moms who answered. It is imperative that you follow through on the threat you make, or what your son learns is that he can keep his behavior, and nothing will happen, or, worse, that you will give in if he keeps it up long/loud enough.

I learned this the hard way with my son: when he was 2 or so, and started his tantrums, I sometimes gave in, out of desperation. It taught him a very wrong message. I finally figured it out, and from then on I did two things: once he started a tantrum, I removed him from the situation whenever possible (even though I sometimes did finish my shopping with a screaming child, because it would actually have given him what he wanted), then let him cry it out. Once he was in tantrum, he couldn't hear anything I was saying. So I just waited, being next to him, making sure he stayed where he was, but not talking to him, just waiting until he calmed down - the first sign of it usually being him wanting to be taken in my arms. Once he was calm, I explained to him what I didn't like about his behavior. It took only a few temper tantrums before he calmed down.

As far as the sharing is concerned, have you tried to tell him ahead of time that he will have to share? I found that it helped my son a lot when he knew ahead of time that he would have to share, and agreed to it. When having playdates at home, we also made sure to go through his toys and put out of reach (his and any other kid's) anything he wasn't willing to share. After that, things usually went smoothly.

Hope this helps,
K.

You need to be careful with your threats. If you tell him his behavior is going to cause a consequence, then you MUST follow through immediately. You admitted you should have done this, BUT...So if you had given him a different consequence, you could have done it. Such as sit on the bench for 5 minutes or not be allowed on the tractor at all.
Your son is testing the waters and its important to be consistent. He was testing his friend by kicking the ball and his friend didnt care. SO your son got to 'win'. Then later the other dad set the stage by letting him have his way on the digger. I can see your son thinking, "wow this is cool, all I have to do is cry and I get what I want." LOL
From what I see you son is normal and the other kid is probably going to get picked on in school. He is TOO nice. LOL

This issue is not unique to 3.5 year olds. I have a 5-year-old who still has issues when he has to wait in line or perceives that another child is getting a longer "turn". I agree that the "taking turns" language is easier to teach than using the word "share", which is too vague. I also agree that removing the child from the situation is the best approach when they freak out. In our case, if we are at a birthday party and my son is screaming about having to wait while the birthday child goes first, I simply take him by the hand and walk him to the restroom or another quiet place where he can calm down. When we are in there, I explain why he needs to wait, and suggest that if he doesn't like it, we can try another activity for awhile (e.g. maybe go on the swing instead of the digger). Usually, he can be re-directed pretty easily once he has quieted down. Good luck!

M.,

My son was the same way when he was little(now 24). He was so competative and angry sometimes that I would be at my wits end. They only difference was he didn't treat his friends like that he would take it out on us or himself verbally. Words like "I am so stupid", "I stink at this game", "I don't want to play anymore" when he was loosing. He was very well behaved all through his school years he would only act this way for me or his father. So I knew it was situational and it was for our benefit. I think you made a mistake (which you do acknowledge by not following through on your threat of leaving) One thing I do know is consistency is the name of the game. Do not threaten unless you are going to follow through. I think for myself if I was the other parent and you explained to me by saying " I am so sorry but we have to leave. I am having difficulty with my son sharing and being kind to his friends so I need to let him know he cannot stay if he plays like this" I know as a parent I would have had tremendous understanding that you were trying to correct a problem and would have totally understood. I know you probably wanted to avoid a scene and just didn't want to be unkind, however the message you sent your son is mommy doesn't really mean what she says. I am not trying to put you down I did the same things myself. I own a childcare center and have dealt with many children and I see parents dealing with their children when they misbehave. I have children who hit their parents when they do not want to leave, and they do nothing but try to reason with them and explain things. Children this age do not listen to explainations they need action and consequences. For instance a little boy is playing on the computer and refuses to get off his mom tells him three times, she goes to grab the mouse to log him off and he smacks her hand. She continues to tell him that wasent't nice you shouldn't hit mommy. He doen't even care what she is saying. Now if you change your tone into a very firm voice and pick him up off the chair kicking and screaming and take him out to me you have done your job. The point I am trying to make is at this age explaining to him that his behavoir is not proper is probably not being absorbed, however if you provide consequence once and follow through the next time it happens (and it will) you just have to tell him the conseqence and I am sure he will respond very quickly because he knows you will do it. I think the key is to change your tone let him know you are upset and follow through with the consequence. Make the consequence realistic example "no movie tonight", or "no story tonight" what ever his favorite night time rituale is. Do not say no more playdates, or your never coming back to this park again, these are unrealistic threats because he knows eventually it will not come to be. I myself have much more respect and admiration for a parent who is not worried about what people will say by disaplining their child, However when they stand there and just threaten and try to reason with them they have done nothing effective to me. After things are calm and you have disiplined your child then you can explain to them why you did what you did and how you expect him to behave. Not in the moment he will not be responsive. If I were on that playdate with your child I may hesitate to have my child play with you child again because of the way he treated my child. Your child will change when you change. My son changed when I started putting my foot down. Believe me in the long run it will pay off. Again, I am not trying to critisize you I am only trying to offer advise. If kids only came with instructions it would be so easy, and they are all so different that you need seperate instructions for each one. My daughter was my second, 19 now and nothing fazes her she is so easy going. I love them both the same and raised them both the same and you couldn't have two more opposite kids. keep up the good work and I am sure he will be fine. Good luck

Hi,

I think knowing that your son has issues like these, the next time you set up a play date explain to the parent that if your son has behavior like that you will deal with it on the spot, even if it means leaving. Especially at 3 1/2, I think that any delayed discussion or consequences is too late. You don't have to be angry, but you need to have clear feedback that behavior like that is not acceptable.

I once stopped on the side of the road for a timeout on the sidewalk because one child hit the other in the car. For me this is unacceptable. It only happened once. (My son was 3 1/2 at the time.)

Good luck.

Hello M.,
Even if your son has not yet developed the spirit of sharing, he is certainly capable of learning the concept of 'taking turns'. Particularly if your son is bright, there are many non reading games that your child should enjoy playing with you where you can say and model "your turn"(use his name), "Mommy's turn". It is ok to let him win nearly all the time in the beginning. If he doesnt win, play again and let the game end on a win for him. This type of exchange will help him develop more self control and to experience that some things are more fun done together with others. There are many tasks in daily living that you can also reinforce turn taking. Then when he is with peers you can carry over 'your turn, your friends turn'. Good Luck
M. Kassover MS,PT,PCS
Board Certified Pediatric Specialist

Hi M.,
Even if your son is very smart (and most parents think that their kiddo's are!), he is still a 3 year old with a 3 year old's maturity level. This is not an age where they can understand reasoning. Explanations are wasted on them and make them more hysterical. If a 3 year old is misbehaving, the consequence must be immediate, not delayed and discussed when you get home. If you're out with your son and he is not behaving/listening, he needs to be taken from the activity at that time. And if you tell him there will be a consequence, there must be one, or he will not take you seriously - and if you have problems now with a 3 year old, imagine what happens if you don't nip this in the bud now and he's still not listening when he's 10.
However, do keep in mind that at 3 years old, because he cannot reason, it's normal for kids not to completely understand taking turns, waiting in line, etc. They just may not be able to comprehend that they will get another turn, and may have a hard time dealing with the disappointment of having to stop what they are doing. It's not really possible yet for them to think of the other person.
Good luck!

M.,
Your son is only 3 1/2...he really isn't mature enough to figure out the whole sharing thing yet...Some kids are better at it than others, but that is development, not what the parent does, imo.
Personally, I think miniature golf is an activity for a little older kids...maybe he was frustrated?
As for what to do when he throws a tantrum - just get up and leave...it stinks as a parent to have to do that, but it's really the only thing that will teach some kids. Believe me, w've missed dout on some fun things becuase the kids were acting up...My kids are naturally good 'sharers' (they are only 16 months apart), but certainly challenged me in other ways...we did our fair share of leaving activities - complete with screaming, kicking and crying...it gets better...give it a few months or so.

Best wishes, (and patience!!)
J.