3 1/2 Year Old Behavior

Hey Lisa,

Sounds to me like Daddy needs to spend some one on one fun time with his little boy. Once he gets some of that attention he needs from his dad the bad behavior will most likely stop.

M.E.

While I personally don't have experience with this, it does make me think of what my MIL told me. Her husband was in the Air Force and would be gone for months at a time and when he came back, the youngest boy would really act out. I mean, a three-year old trying to beat up his own father, type of acting out.

What they finally did was let the son express his anger that daddy had been away for so long and then they drew the line. They had to get serious with timeouts and other discipline but they also always made the son feel loved and that it was his behavior that was inappropriate. Hard to get a three year old to understand, I know, but it does help.

Something that we do with our own daughter to help her understand what is appropriate and what isn't, is we walk away when she crosses the line. So my husband will play with her, and they play a little on the rough side, until she crosses the line and deliberately begins to hurt him, then he immediately calls it quits. He will put her down, stand up, and tells her play time is all done since she was being mean. She hates having playtime over, but she's getting better about knowing what is acceptable and what isn't.

When he calls it quits, he tells her very specifically that it was because she hit/bit/kicked or whatever.

Hi Lisa,
This is also the story of my life. My husband is in Asia HALF the year for his business. It is hard on my 4 kids.
I have learned with my 2 youngest (3 and 5) that is best to listen and ask questions, even through the tantrums. My husband will hold one of them close and quietly ask, "Why are you crying/hitting/mad,etc.?". Then he'll keep holding them close and and say "I know you miss Daddy and but Daddy misses you too". He explains why he is away (so we can have a house, food, etc). We encourage them to use their words to talk about how they feel inside of lashing out. Now, please know that we are "strict" parents and set boundaries for behaviors but we are realistic about their ages and reactions to his prolonged absences.
I am sympathetic and know that it is hard but I am glad my husband cares so much and does the best he can. It will get easier with time.
Oh, I forgot to tell you we have video cameras on our Mac computers and talk to him every night, too. This helped considerably.

ask him if he's upset or frustrated about something. my oldest acts out terribly when upset by change in our home. sometimes it takes me a while to make the connection, especially if i didn't expect him to care about a certain change so much or if i expected him to like a certain change. when he gets a chance to talk about his feelings and sometimes cry about whatever it is he misses, his behavior improves. for example he threw a fit whenever it was time to go to walmart and all week long if we mentioned walmart, he was quick to say that he hated walmart. i assumed it was because it takes a long time to shop and he got tired and bored. so i was pretty much telling him it was just too bad and he had to deal with it, which didn't stop the fits. but after having a calm sit-down conversation with him about it, i learned that it was not necessarily walmart he disliked, but it was because we were coming home from the store right at bedtime and he had no time to play before bed. now with that in mind, i've been able to make adjustments and reduce the fits. so i'd just ask some questions like: what do you like/ not like about______? how do you feel about____? good luck!

Hi Lisa,
I also have a boy who is four now and we've gone through the same thing since he was about 3 to 31/2. As you have, we went through rewarding to discipline, to just about everything. What we have found is that special time with dad, doing projects, having quality time doing things together has really helped. It doesn't have to be a huge thing, just quality time.

It also helps to make sure that consistency in one method of disciple is used. For example, my husband used to say "if you do that again your going to lose this privledge or going to have time out." He'd go through that same thing three of four times before time out occured. Because our son already knew that was the consequence he would keep pushing the envelop so to speak...it's easy just to take action as soon as he does what he knows he shouldn't do (talking back, not listening and following direction, etc). No warnings.

Believe me, we completely understand your situation, and from what I've heard from many parents is that the preschool age is more difficult with boys than the toddler stage. It gets better with time though. It's just a stage of them developing and learning boundaries.

Hi, first of all, kudos to you for being with the kids all week every week by yourself. I know from experience that can be challenging!

Ya know, I really feel like this is less of a discipline issue and just a plain TRANSITION thing! Transitions (even good ones) are tricky for children, especially around this age. Before motherhood, I taught preschool, and transitions just from play time to lunch time, or lunch time to outdoor time, caused even wonderfully behaved children to sometimes exhibit problematic behavior; change is unknown, and unknown can be scary...

My son is two, and sometimes he demonstrates this behavior towards his dad when my husband comes home from work, just having been gone for 8 hours! He will act up, not want to leave my side, say "go back to work Papa," even though while my husband was at work, he talked about him and missing him and wanting to play with him...I think it's partly about being afraid the connection with mama will change...and partly just about transition.

We have found that when we all sit down together and read a book or something, with me still mostly "in charge" and "Papa" just there on the sidelines for a few minutes, this really helps the transition, and after a few minutes, my son starts voluntarily talking to and playing with my husband, whereas if we try to push the issue, our son resists it and clings to me more...

I would really recommend coming up with a transition routine that works for your family, to transition to Daddy being home again!

Good luck! C.

I also have a 3 1/2 year old little boy. He gets upset when anything doesn't go his way. He is my 6th child and each child has his/her own temperment, some are easier to please than others etc. Do the best you can and don't beat yourself up over it. When daddy comes could your guy be jealous of losing mommy's attention to daddy? Have you tried telling daddy about what his "big boy" has been doing today? It is very hard when there isn't a lot of time with dad. Maybe your husband could have more contact during the time he is gone with phone calls to his boy when his dad gets a minute during breaks or something. Just a thought.

it sounds like he is showing off for dad. keep up with the discipline, and be sure dad is calling to talk to him during the week - you may already be doing this. when dad is home, keep your little one busy - learning and helping. my 3.5 year old can fold washcloths, put things in designated spots (he knows where silverware is stored, for example), and he loves to do that kind of work.

Thiknk like a teacher. These two "lifes" your son has is sort of like going from PE (fun) to Math (boring). What can you do for a transition...set the stage...going both directions. Maybe you can make a game up like hide and seek. Your son makes a little gift like a drawing and hides it some place in the house. Your husband has to find it and can only ask two yes or no questions a day...or something like that. then when your husband leaves, he hides something and your son can ask two questions during a nightly phone call. Create something like that which creates a consistancy. at this age...they crave stability and consistancy. A family who plays together stays togeter. Create a routine, a transition, and a bond. In other words...seek to create a positive experience between the family as opposed to seeking to form discipline. Be proactive.

Dear Lisa,

First of all....Do you have the same discipline and boundaries when Daddy comes home? If not you need to correct that. Don't threaten him with, Well, when your dad gets home he will do ..... Also you might want to try to have your husband give him something of so called value to keep of his and give it to your son to keep while dad is away. Make a big deal of it. Tell him to keep this until I return and it is very important to me. This teaches your child that Daddy loves and trusts him with something of his so that he will in fact come back. Part of your son's acting out is because Daddy is gone a lot. You son has separation anxiety issues while dad is gone and then he punishes both of you for him being gone. Plus, he probably knows that you guys feels bad that dad is gone so much and knows how to manipulate to get attention. The only thing is that he is getting negative attention. You could explain to him that you would rather give him good attention instead of having to get on to him. I am a clinical therapist and do a lot of play therapy with children. Your son would not act out if he wasn't attached to his daddy and that is a good thing.

I just read Love & Logic for Birth to 6 years about a week & a half ago & it has totally changed my life with my 2 1/2 yr old and 4 1/2 year old. It has GREAT suggestions. It is a very quick read & has been SO helpful. One easy one to explain that has worked wonders for me is to give him choices all the time - even when no choice needs to be made, i.e. - Do you want to sit in this chair or that chair? Do you want to put on your pants or your shirt first? Do you want me to drive fast or slow? I've been doing this all the time with my kids. They feel like they are in control of their lives so that when I need them to do something, they are way more likely to give over a little control for just a minute. I've seen a huge difference with them. There's a ton more suggestions in the book that are just as helpful! I highly recommend it. Good luck!

this is just a thought. Maybe he wants to get his Daddy's attention whether negative or positive. It may be that only having his Daddy home for those short periods is just not enough for him.since his Daddy is spending time with him already, I'm not sure what you should do. Maybe less discipline and more loving would help in this case. Ideally it would help to have Daddy home more, so that it is routine raher than the exception.