!

I think a month is too much AND inclines you to give in which makes it ineffective as well. Extreme and unenforced punishment will make things much worse than no punishment at all.

What is his punishment at school? A zero on today's test? Extra scrutiny going forward? Teacher disappointment and embarassment of being caught? I think all of the above is sufficient punishment for the crime itself especially a first offense.

At home, I would speak with him...find out what he was thinking and address those. Maybe take electronics (games, tv, computer) for the weekend as a consequence of being in trouble at school. Feel free to let him know that if there is a next time, there will be additional consequences at home (you can spell those out now or tell him they would be determined at a later date if necessary).

I would talk to him and find out why? And go from there, but if you are this angry maybe he felt you would be angry if he did not pass and was trying to make you happy. Therefore a chat how that is not how it works, would be inorder.

This is a first offense, let it be a lesson. Maybe not so much a punnishment.. and either way you slice it.. A month? way too long! .. 1 week max. Extra chores etc.. not a month..

Good luck

An essay about why he shouldn't cheat combined with an F on the test.

No, I don't think you should ban electronics for a month. Not related.

Before being "super harsh" you may want to calmly talk to him about why he cheated. Does he feel like you will be disappointed in him if he does not get 100% after the work you put in with him? Does he feel under pressure to be perfect. What is he afraid might happen if he was to fail a test? Talking with him about the whys will go a lot further then an electronic ban. I am not saying don't punish him, but keep it in perspective here, a few days with out video games along with a long CALM talk about why he did it ect will go a long way. I never ground my kids from their sports because I think it is important to honor your commitments when you join a team.

Gee mom, how about TALKING to him about it? Of course it was wrong, but if he's never done anything like this before I don't see where the anger is coming from.
Maybe he's a perfectionist and is afraid to fail, that can cause a good kid to cheat (I've seen it more than once.)
You are a parent not a warden. Tell him how disappointed you are, make sure he understands what he did was wrong and give him the chance to talk to you about why he did it in the first place.
Punishment may be appropriate if he does it again but use this opportunity to actually communicate with him and teach him right from wrong. Taking away his TV and friends doesn't teach him anything, other than to make sure the next time he messes up he keeps it from you.
Overreacting and over the top punishments create lying, sneaky kids.

Were I in your situation:

First, I would want to schedule a short meeting with the teacher, my child, and myself. Let the teacher have her say. She's probably very disappointed in him, let her speak her piece. Let him listen.

He needs to make amends. Part of that would be an apology note to the teacher.

The other part of this is that, if you believe he cheated because he felt insecure on not knowing how to spell all of the words correctly, work WITH him to figure out other solutions. Taking away everything in life he enjoys certainly makes an impression, but it doesn't solve the *real problem* he was having, namely "I don't think I will do well enough".

It would be good to talk about what *is* good enough. Are you a parent that expects A's on every single assignment, or does your kid know that you believe each kid has strengths and challenges, and that when we are challenged, this means we just need to devote more time or different studying techniques to something? Do you or your child feel that everything must be perfect or it's a failure? If either of you do, it's time to come back down to earth. Failure is something to be learned from, not avoided out of fear.

I also want to turn you on to an article I found very helpful as I speak to my own son regarding 'intelligence'... I'll put in a link, but the gist of it being that kids who are told they are 'smart' actually take less risks academically and do close up when confronted with a lack of easy mastery of a subject. In this situation, while your son knows it is wrong to cheat, he may have felt that was his only option to continue to appear smart.

http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

I include this because this may (or may not) be a facet of the situation, and it is worth considering.

My kid? Besides the conference and note to the teacher, I'd really work on figuring out if this was out of heedlessness (daring, trying to sneak) or his concern with failure. Either way, I'd be doing 'pre-tests' on Wednesday and Thursday nights and having him write out the words several time, including using them in a sentence, and start doing this as a matter of course each week. If it was a crisis of faith in himself, I would think one week of no media fun (tv/gaming)/playmates would be sufficient. If it were just recklessness and trying to prove he's smarter than the teacher, I'd likely extend it to two weeks. But a month and he's likely going to be more focused on being mad at you than he will be at improving the behavior. Just my experience.... both as a kid who was handed lots of hard punishments (in the hope I'd never do it again) and as a mom.

Wow, my son is only 7 - 2nd grade - but that seems super harsh. First I would sit him down and ask him why he did it? Then I would make sure he understood that cheating is wrong and unacceptable "in our house". Then I think I would ban electronics and play dates for one week - until the next spelling test.

Calm down before you talk to him. Also, if there is another parent involved, perhaps you should discuss the punishment together. In my house, I might say after Daddy gets home he and I will decide what your punishment will be....that gives my son time to imagine the worst!

It is the school's responsibility to punish him, it is your responsibility to back them up.

This is actually a common age for kids to try their hands at cheating. In a way it is very logical to them, they want a grade (for what ever reason) and cheating gets them the grade.

What he needs is to understand consequences of cheating. And I don't mean punishments. If a doctor cheated on his classes, he might hurt instead of heal you. If an architect cheated, he might build a building that would collapse and hurt the people inside.

Discuss ways that his cheating could hurt himself and others. You and the teacher no longer trust him, students that did the work are angered and hurt, etc. Let him come up with a way for him to earn your and the teachers trust back. I find that kids will come up with better punishments than we could ever think of.

Good heavens, E., that's a lot of punishment you propose, expecially for a probable first offense. Imagine you get caught doing something illegal but small (telling a lie, littering, slightly speeding) and had all your privileges suspended for a month? Really, sweetheart, that's over the top, and a child has little ability to protest without getting in more trouble. That could develop into a lose-lose situation for your family.

Thank the teacher for this information, because it could be really important to evaluate the messages your son is getting about success and character development. The teacher has probably meted out appropriate punishment, i.e., telling the parents, expressing disappointment int he child, and flunking the test. That's the punishment we used to get when I was a child, in the good old '50's when discipline was "so much better" in many parents' belief.

Talk to your child. Find out why he felt he "needed" to cheat. In some cases, it seems a smaller violation than disappointing one's parents or teachers with a small failure. There's a terrific book that can help you assess this situation from a childs perspective, called Nurture Shock. Lots of research that reveals what's really going on inside our children's heads.

Also, I suggest you really amp up the communication in preparation for the teen years. There are both original and teen versions of the best book ever on building good mutual communication: How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk.

Wishing you well.

I agree with Julie S. The school likely already has a consequence. You should back that up. Real life consequences are often the best teachers. It's likely he'll get an F for that test. Talk with him about how he can choose better the next time, and encourage him to study for his test because you know he can do it.

I DO NOT agree with grounding a 9 year old from anything for an entire month. For the weekend? Sure. But an entire month is too long. It simply does not have "sticking power." Focus on using this experience as more of a teaching moment than something to punish him for and I guarantee that you'll have better results. I also suggest that you focus your emotional response less on showing anger, and more on showing that you are saddened and disappointed. It is more effective by far.

Why do you believe the teacher over him? Maybe he happened to be looking down while thinking and it was there, not an intentional cheat.

I'd surely ask him what happened first.

And if this is the first time I don't know that I'd punish him excessively. He was probably embarrassed by the whole thing. Plus I feel that what happens at school needs to stay at school for the most part. The teacher is his authority figure at school and should be the one to handle this.

i'm glad to see from your SWH that you've cooled down, and also appreciate that you wanted to have something in place before you picked him up.
while i do agree with many that most kids cheat at some point, i don't consider that reason for leniency. i consider honesty one of the most important traits we can ingrain in our kids, and any incidents of dishonesty should be taken very seriously indeed.
so while i do agree that you need to hear his side, i don't think 'oh, all kids try it' a good reason to take it lightly.
while i'm glad you re-thought the month of electronics, i myself don't think it's 'too harsh', it just has nothing to do with dishonesty or cheating so just seems a pointless exercise in punishment rather than a logical consequence.
if this were my son we'd have a deadly serious discussion, in which my deep disappointment would be clearly expressed. i'd use leading questions to help him uncover his motives (he himself may well be unclear about it) and i'd also be open to the possibility that my own high standards (a good thing) had backfired in creating undue amounts of anxiety. i would ask him what he thought an appropriate consequence would be. my boys tended to come up with surprisingly impactful repercussions, and they were usually tougher on themselves than i would have been without their input.
sounds like you've got a good kid there, E.. good for you.
khairete
S.

The punishment needs to fit the crime.

In this case - one month? A tad extreme.

What would I do? I would give him EXTRA homework each night. He felt the need to cheat - well - let's make sure you know the words, dude...so here you go...write the words in sentences and write them 3 times on the same line. Maybe this way - you won't feel the need to cheat...

Did you ask him WHY he cheated?
Did you ask him what the problem was???

No electronics for a week (IF that's his "thing" If not, find the "thing" for him and apply).
And back up the schools consequence.

what do electronics have to do with cheating?

I would not go punishment in this case. But I will always go for *discipline* first as a parent.... that is one who teaches what we want to see rather than *punishment*.

In my opinion whatever consequence he has should be natural or logical.

You should get some books or videos from the "love and logic" series.

A natural or logical consequence to cheating may be that he now has to study WITH you so that you are sure he is doing his work and learning the words. It may be that you study spelling every night and so he doesn't really have time for the TV and games, but the FOCUS is on you wanting to HELP him not you wanting to punish him.
When you're studying.... mix it up. One night it's just writing the words. One night it's using the words in a sentence. The other night it's use the words for the opposite of their meaning.

You've added an emotional component to this that will not serve either of you well. EVERY kid will eventually cheat. On something. At some point. Even the best, most moral of kids. because you "shudder to think that he has cheated in the past" insinuates that your expectation was that he WOULDN'T tryout the bad behaviors (like cheating) that ALL kids will try out. He will cheat. He will lie. He will steal. on some level all kids will do bad things. It's how they learn that doing the good, right things are better.

So - have a "lessons learned" session with him...... what did he learn from this experience? What SHOULD he have done? What other choices could he have made and what prevented him from making them? What will happen the next time he is tempted to cheat? Because there WILL be a next time.

Your inclination to be super harsh so he learns his lesson is a tactic that will only teach him to not get caught next time or the time after that. It won't teach him that his mom will help him grown and learn - even when he makes a mistake. And he will make plenty before he is on his own. Teach him that when he DOES make a mistake he can come to you. If you are super harsh he will learn to hide his mistakes from you for fear of retribution and punishment.

I would start with a conversation where HE talks. and where you listen. actively. Don't interrupt. Don't get loud. Don't talk about how you feel. This isn't about you. It's about HIM. Ask him how HE feels. What HE was thinking.

Taking away TV and games will only make him mad, it won't teach him the lesson.

Actually I believe him and I have double checked myself in the past.
Well, he wasn't cheating on his entrance to Harvard Law School and he is only nine so I would give him the benefit of the doubt and truthfully she might have had her timing off a little bit so I would rule out the tortuous punishments and have a talk with him and perhaps ONE night of nothing fun.And you are going to be the victim if you take away something for a month, he will be very needy, angry and probably hanging around you all the time. You have a lot of years ahead to use all the other strategies.

You have not even spoken with him about this yet?

How could you decide on a punishment without speaking with your child? Not everything my kids say about what happens at school is 100% true and not everything a teacher believes about them is always completely accurate. Teachers are human too and until you hear exactly what happened from your boy's perspective you should not flip out.

If he was blatantly cheating the reason he did it should be an important factor in deciding punishment. There are lots of reasons a kid who did study for the test might do this and you should find out what his was. Try to calm down before you see him, making mistakes and poor choices is part of growing up.

The punishment must fit the crime.
A month of punishment is a lot for a first offense.
If you throw the book at him now, what have you got in reserve for the future?
You want him to think about what he's done but you want him to be redeemable.
A too harsh a punishment could rebound on you in a bad way.
For a 9 yr old, a week is plenty.

Per your SWH, it sounds as if he really wasn't cheating. It sounds like a misinterpretation/assumption on the teacher's part. When you attend the meeting, I would bring your son. I would also suggest to the teacher a compromise. Suggest that he retake the spelling test. That can act as proof that he didn't need the practice sheet you made with him to cheat.

My kids are in HS and college now. For a 9 year old, I think grounding for a month is over the top. That's for cheating on your SAT or ACT. I'd ground him for the weekend, and have him write an apology note to the teacher. Tell him that if you know he's studied and worked hard, you won't be angry with him for a less than excellent grade, but that you will be angry if he cheats. Good luck!

Writing an essay about why he should not cheat and how cheating even hurts him seems much more appropriate than a month with out electronics.

Talk to him about it first and find out what was really going on. If he admits to cheating, have him write a letter of apology to his teacher. Since he is nine years old, make the letter be at least nine sentences long.

Rather than banning him from all electronics for a month, make him do extra work around the house. It will help you and it will teach him that cheating doesn't pay off, it just creates more work (because cheating on a test just means you have to try harder to learn the information later). If you want to also take away electronics, I would do it for a week, not a month.

The punishment you are considering is to over the top. I would say no electronics for a week. Or no playmates but not everything. Especially since with that many things your going to end up giving in before a month is over. What is the teacher doing class wise?

What is the school going to do about it? Surely the teacher or the school administration has a protocol here. There should be consequences AT school, not just at home, even though he is only nine.

He is smart and a good kid -- and those are kids who sometimes cheat because they feel they must continue to make certain grades and do well. (I had this exact conversation with our middle school counselor this very morning; she said that it's the kids who are the top performers in the toughest programs who are likely to cheat, usually either to stay on top or out of pure fear that they aren't really as smart as everyone believes.) I'd examine whether he feels stressed or feels like he has to be perfect on every test, every time. That could be behind this; it sounds like he's not a bad kid but this is a serious error. He should be seeing the school counselor and you might need to see the counselor together. I would ask him frankly if he has done it before and why he felt the need.

I know it seems tough but he has to learn now that cheating will get him suspended, possibly expelled, in a few years' time. Middle schools take this extremely seriously. Don't freak out; don't lecture him; stay cool and calm, but discipline him with serious consequences. Ensure that he KNOWS that teachers talk to you and you talk to teachers, and I'd have him meet with you, the teacher and the counselor to set his in-school disicpline and his home discipline. If there is not time for that, yes, take away whatever he values most. A week doesnt' cut it , to me, for academic cheating, and I would take away his sports as well -- that's a privilege, not a necessity, and if the attitude is "He's going to let down the team" -- yes, he has to let down the team as a consequence of letting down his teacher, you and most of all himself.

A month may be too long but I'd do two weeks without sports, TV, anything else. Do not spend that month talking constantly about the cheating, though. Just the absence of all activities should help. You also can confer with the counselor about whether that is appropriate discipline and if it's too long or not long enough. But do it immediately or start some form of discipline over this weekend -- if you wait too long he won't connect the discipline to the cheating strongly enough. Again, this is a case where I'd want to talk to (maybe call over the weekend if possible) his teacher and counselor to get their read on this. It's true that you don't want to punish to the point it backfires but it's also something he has to learn is taken very gravely by school and by you.

I'm still curious why you didn't mention what the school plans to do. Our elementary school teachers would have done something about it, for sure, though they would not have publicly told other students. But in middle school, believe me, he would have been suspended.

This is after your SWH, but I thought I would post this... I'm glad you rethought your initial punishment, and talked to him first.

When my daughter was in 5th grade, she was accused of changing her answers on a homework assignment (accused of changing it AFTER it was graded, for just a few points more.)

I had gone over that assignment with her, and she had initially gotten it wrong, and when I told her she needed to redo that question (math problem), she looked at it and said, "Oh.. I see what I did wrong!" She changed the answer at that point.

When it was graded the next day in class (trade and grade... someone else graded it for her), the other student marked it wrong. My daughter, in looking it over, tried to point out to the teacher that the student had graded it wrong.... and the teacher accused her of "changing" her answer just to get a couple of extra points.

What my daughter had done was not erase the answer fully, but marked over the first answer by just writing over the initial answer, and darkening it.

My daughter was rightfully upset about the teacher's accusation, and when I tried to talk to the teacher about it, she wouldn't back down. I even pointed out that I had checked her paper the night before, and she had the right answer... teacher still wouldn't back down. I also mentioned that the student grading her paper had a bit of a vendetta against my daughter, and the teacher still wouldn't change her position. I also asked the teacher if there was anything that my daughter had done in the past to make her not believe her side of the story... and the teacher's response? "Oh, no.... She is one of the most honest students I know!" (Why couldn't the teacher back down on just 2 homework points? Sheesh....)

It did really upset me..... and made my daughter feel that she couldn't go to the teacher the rest of the year with any problems.

Ultimately, when I told my daughter about it, her response was.. "That's ok.... I know I wasn't cheating, and God knows I wasn't cheating." What a mature response! (She wasn't saying God as a swear word... she was really meaning that God knew she hadn't cheated.....)

Anyway, I didn't punish her.... in that case, I totally believed my daughter...

Also... the next year, when I found out that daughter #2 was going to have that SAME teacher, I requested a teacher change... I felt that #2 would not have been comfortable with her, knowing what had happened....

I have a feeling that your son has learned a lesson from this already.... he is getting punishment from the school, and most likely, the teacher will be keeping a close eye on him for future events.... I would tend to believe his side of the story, especially if he had already finished the test.

A minor punishment at home would most likely be sufficient, with a written apology to the teacher.

I think a month of punishment is a bit much for a 9 yr old. After a week it's just beating a dead horse. Harsh punishment doesn't equal punishment that goes on forever.

I'd sit him down a let him know how disappointed you are with his behavior. Ask him what he thinks would be a fair punishment and go from there. Personally I'd probably go with grounding for a week with no screen time or play dates.

I read your SWH but not all the responses, so excuse me if I am repeating... Could it be he saw cheating on a show or a friend was talking about it and he decided to try it just to see if he could get away with it? I wouldn't punish too harshly, but you can bet I would if it EVER happened a second time. Perhaps no electronic/or computerized gaming for the weekend. That is, if you are 110% sure he is guilty. Sounds like you have a good kid, though, and everyone does something stupid here and there. :) Have a good weekend!

I will only tell you how my son reacts to something he did that was inappropriate.
When I pick him up, he will walk slowly towards me as opposed to running to me. That is my first clue that something went wrong and that he recognises his mistake. For me that is half the punishment/discipline right there.
As we approach the car and I ask him what is wrong , he will get teary eyed and blurt it out. He will also tell me that he is sorry about it.
Kids often are really sorry for making the wrong choices, but they realise their mistakes only later.
I used to punish him for his mistakes, now he just sees the disappointment in my eyes and corrects himself.
I agree with the other response's, it is important to be in the right frame of mind before we punish our own kids. I know we have great expectations of our kids because we teach them right from wrong. I just think we should take a step back and have the same or higher expectation of ourselves to handle the situation with less anger and frustration.

I am only telling you this as I work to correct my own mistakes that I made in a fit of anger.