2.5 Year Old and Getting in Trouble with Mama

My daughter started this about a year ago, we started out first we sat her down and talked to her much like you are doing. That didn't work, so we started doing time-outs, that didn't work and now she is three, and she has started hitting, pinching, and biting me when she doesn't get her way. We just started her in behavioral therapy, and her therapist tolod us if she bites, hits or pinnches me spat her on the but, and sit her in time out. We are also working with her on how to vent her frustrations without being mean. Telling her it is ok to be mad or upset, but it is not ok to hit, pinch, or bite. She is starting to get better, now she will say, I am mad instead of hitting, ect. and we tell her that is ok, and when she is not mad anymore, we can talk about it, and discuss her options then.

My son used to escalate his tantrums when he just thought I must not be able to hear him. "Oh, I've whined and grabbed but she's still taking it away. She must not know what I really want! Let me do it louder! Ahhhh!"

It helped to loudly voice his concerns while still doing things my way. He still doesn't like me turning the TV off. I'd say, "Yeah, you really don't want to turn that TV off! I know! Wow, it's so hard to say goodbye to the tv! You're SO MAD!" I'd do it with real empathy for his feelings, and he'd feel heard. There's almost nothing more rewarding than having him start nodding his head while crying and then he'll shout "YEAH!" We end up on exactly the same page and in complete agreement. But the TV still goes off.

With TV, warnings help. "When this show is over, it's going off." He's four and still has trouble grasping this concept, though. Try muting the TV for a minute or two before it goes off, to make it less interesting. Or dim the brightness so the end is more gradual.

I do this with bath-time, too. I let the water get cold so he wants to get out, and I have a fluffy-warm towel waiting. I try to make whatever is on the other end of the transition more appealing than what is going on now.

And if he had trouble with the transition anyway, I'd voice his anger/sadness for him and give him a few minutes to collect himself while moving on to the next activity. Setting the table for lunch, etc. I'd say loudly, "When you're ready, I'm over here doing [insert fun thing here]." He got over it all really quickly.

Now that he's older, when he gets mad I tend to do the same thing, but I'll put him in his room on his bed and tell him he can come out when he's feeling better. Sometimes he asks me to stay and lay with him while he calms down. More often than not, he doesn't want to see me until he's less mad. And that's cool with me.

Carrie C. uses the two approaches that I find most helpful. My 4yo grandson has far less trouble stopping what he wants to do when I make the alternative appealing. For example, he doesn't want to get into bed because a handy toy suddenly becomes impossible to resist? I sit on his bed and start reading a favorite book aloud. Suddenly, getting into bed is even more attractive. It takes far less time than nagging him to get in bed, and avoids the blood, sweat, and tears entirely.

But there are occasions when kid frustration is just impossible to avoid, even when you've provided for a transition time. When that happens, recognize that she is very, very frustrated, and she didn't choose those feelings, and she doesn't know yet what to do about them other than simply express them, and yelling, growling, and throwing are the means of expression currently within her reach. You'd do the same in her situation.

So empathize, sincerely and deeply. Use language like Carrie suggests. Let her know you care, and that there are simply no other alternatives at this moment. It does help, because she realizes you are still on her team.

And you'll have to repeat, often, for the next few years. Emotional training is important, but slow. Kids are not short adults, and their brains and emotional capacities are still developing.

With TV, here's one possible creative alternative: have kid movies on hand that she's still sort of interested in, but is outgrowing. Use those as your "babysitting entertainment" when you know something else will have to happen soon, like bedtime or shopping. She'll probably have less trouble letting go of those than stuff she hasn't watched before.

And please allow me briefly dance around your request that we don't suggest no TV: there are other activities you could set her up with that would keep her more active and engaged, and that would be less likely to hypnotize her. My grandson had a low kitchen drawer full of small toys and tupperware containers that he found irrestistable at that age. His mom would let him get into that good stuff when she needed him to be occupied, but flexible.

My best to you. Your daughter is a normal and understandably frustrated child. Hang in there.

My daughter is just beginning this stage as well, so I've been reading all sorts of books and websites trying to nip it quickly. I can't remember the site, but one of the helpful ones stated to realize the source of the tantrum - and it's usually one of three things at this age: environmental issues (like she's tired, hungry, bored or over-stimulated); she's attempting to assert her independence but cannot (like trying to put on her shoes but she physically cannot yet or trying to communicate something that she doesn't know the words for); and lastly, a battle of wills (mommy won't let me watch more TV). I just thought the last one was the only option, so this helped shed some light on my little one's behavior.

For the first type, the expert suggested simply recognizing the contributing factor (hunger, etc.) and work around it. For instance, don't try to go grocery shopping during lunch or nap time. Seems obvious, but I've tried it!

For the second type, he suggested offering help when she very first starts to get frustrated. "Would you like mommy to help you put your shoes on?" Or compromising the situation, "If you bring your shoes to mommy, she will help you put them on." Give her some independence but not so much where you set her up for failure and the frustration that follows. We have taught our daughter the word "help" early on (we do sign language for it too). If she can't open a drawer or reach something, we wait until she says "help please." If she starts the tantrum thing, we calmly ask, "do you need help?" She usually calms down and then says, "help please." The only down side to this, is we then have to drop whatever we're doing to go help or we've just shot down teaching her that asking for help is better than a tantrum.

The last one (battle of wills) is the only one where the expert said to stand your ground and don't give in, as this is where they learn that whining, crying, etc will get them what they want. He also suggested to save the major battles for the major issues (a dangerous situation or something that is non-negotiable). If she doesn't want to wear a certain shirt and throws a tantrum, then don't make a 10 minute battle out of it, just give her two other options.

I thought this was helpful to decipher what was going on in my little one's head and how to react appropriately. Wishing you the best!

I let my 2.5 yr old son turn off the tv himself and I turn off the cable box/converter myself so even if he turns it back on it's just static. The box is about 5ft off the floor so he can't reach it.

I try to concentrate more on what he can do than what he can't. He also has chores (very light) because I believe it helps them feel in control. We also follow the Positive Discipline A-Z and when I am frustrated that he is uncooperative/yelling/making a mess I take a step back and reference the book. My husband jokes that it feels good to outsmart them!

Basically, as the saying goes, "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit"

Hi!

First 2 1/2 yrs - late toddlers and preschooler ages - can be REALLY TRYING! They are still so young yet can cause so many headaches!

First, my question for you is what is your goal as a parent? Is it most important that you have a child that follows orders and is well behaved, or is it most important that you raise a daughter that is a well-adjusted adult that can problem solve, resolve conflicts and has strong internal morals that guide her life whether or not she could get 'caught' from her actions and understands her needs while taking into account the needs of others?

If you're more interested in the former, then take a more behavorist approach where you give consequences to the actions and in essence train her. If you're interested in the latter, yes have consequences, but more importantly teach her how to think for herself. Teach her how to evaluate things and how to express herself.

So, for the former. I'm no help. For the latter, here are my suggestions: with the TV. You have the boundary and are letting her know it's coming. TV then bedtime. You keep your rule: TV then bedtime. She cries.

I think that instead of wanting your daughter not to be upset, you're wanting her to express herself in a better way. Teaching her not to show she's upset is teaching her to bottle up her feelings. Teaching her "though it may be sad to stop something as fun as TV, it's more important to take care of your body and get enough rest so tomorrow will be a good day full of energy and happy times" shows that immediate pleasures sometimes need to be sacrificed so that long term needs, like health, are met. (if it really bothers you that she whimpers, think if you have been unfairly conditioned to respond to others emotions instead of what's right to do. Her disappointment isn't personal - it's not about you, it's about her TV time being done.)

Absolutely, throwing & growling aren't good, but instead of putting her away in a room, give her a good way to express her emotions. Show her how to safely say what she needs to say. Teach her a good way to communicate.

Also remember that sometimes you, an adult, know what to do but you still don't do it every time. She will be the same way. It's even harder for a toddler to have self-control. That's why they come with parents - to be their self-control. Be as kind about it as you want her self-talk to be to her when she's an adult. And like Peg M and Carrie C have said, focus on something fun about bedtime - her animals are waiting to see her and maybe dance for her and minimize what she's giving up (TV). Or turn it off and say that the TV went to bed. Poor TV is too tired and fell asleep. This gets her where you want her to be so much easier.

I think the next year or two is really hard because kids this age are very concrete and can't understand more abstract reasons that involve other people and future events. Keep trying to think of a situation from her eyes and this will help you frame it so that she understands it better and then you avoid the battle as much as possible. This happens all the time -that's what marketing is all about.

One more thing - when you make a big deal when she's following directions, are you teaching her that your praise is the reward, or that doing the right thing is it's own reward? For example, "good girl! Mommy is so happy." vs. "you went upstairs when it was time to go upstairs!" (you did what was the right thing to do).

I would tell her that you are going to make some rules to help her do things when she needs to do them. Tell her the TV will go off at the time you say, set a timer if you want, then do it and if the fit continues tell her it will be no more TV for however long you decide. Maybe an hour, maybe a day, etc. Then be sure you do it and remind her why it's off. She'll catch on quickly. You have to be in charge but let her feel like she's been given choices herself to decide, as it is really her choice to not scream or to scream. Then the result is her issue and not yours entirely.

OMG! This sounds exactly like my little girl. I will be looking at your responses to get ideas too. Just wanted to let you know that you aren't the only one going through this.

Hello. My 22 month old daughter is in that beginning tantrum stage too. It's hard when they are so little, but if mommy needs a time-out, I've been known to take her to her room for a couple minutes to "calm down." I just stand by the door and listen for the wailing to come down a few notches and then I open it up and ask if she's ready to be nice. I don't know if this is a good idea for right at bed time, though.

If she likes watching some cartoons, we've found Ni-hao Kai Lan to be helpful because many of the episodes deal with one of the characters getting angry or really frustrated and then they have to "calm, calm, down"--which Kai Lan sings to a simple tune. Our daughter has learned the "calm down" song and will sign it to herself when she's getting too wound up. Mind you, this was after several times that we prompted her that Kai lan would tell her she needed to calm down. It worked after a few tries and I'm starting to think it's like magic for the tantrums!

Best of luck to all of us. I think it's a battle we must win!

i think she is old enough to understand taking away the tv. don't shortchange her - she's acting this way because she's trying to control the situation. what i have done with my son is give him a 5 minute warning, and tell him that he is expected to do "x" when tv time is over. it gives him a chance to start his fit early, at which point i tell him if he keeps acting lke that it goes off now. if he can be nice he can watch 5 more minutes. you don't have to tell her "okay tomorrow no tv because you're throwing a fit", and expect her to make the connection, (in that way you're probably right, she probably wouldn't get it) but if you make the consequence immediate, she will. when she throws something it gets taken away, immediately. no compromises. she throws her drink, it gets taken away. when she can ask nicely for another drink, then she gets another cup, but not the one she threw. same with the shoes (if i know little girls it might REALLY get to her if her favorite shoes get put up because she threw them) after a few days or a week, bring the thrown item back in, but don't make a big deal about it. throwing things will be easier to fix. the tv thing, you might just have to deal with. my son still throws a fit sometimes. if he's tired or cranky it's worse. just stick to your routine. she may always whine and fuss a bit when it's time to turn it off. no biggie, just go about your business. good luck!

so the sad truth is that as Moms....we have to be in control & master manipulators! Hard to admit, but ....oh, so true.

Carrie had excellent suggestions, as did the other Moms. Very early on, I learned to offer choices.....with my desired choice the last one offered. For some reason, almost all children select the very last choice offered. I love it!

As for the tantrums, this is NORMAL for this age group. Nip it in the bud, & the key is to be consistent. Whatever method you choose for the consequence, stick to it. And with the TV, switch to kiddie music & your life will be so much easier! I use the Music Choice channel for this, & it truly helps with my daycare. There is NO transition anxiety! We watch one show a day & that's it! Sometimes, Sesame Street...sometimes Barney & no more. Good Luck.

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I'm just blown away that she's throwing all her fits based on the TV yet you don't want her to not watch the TV. I have 5 kids and if one of mine throws a fit or throws objects when that TV is getting turned off, they get grounded from TV for the rest of the day or for the next day. Kids really start getting hooked on TV early and if you let her control the situation now, she'll really be a handful later on. Immediate?? Unplug the TV and leave it off for the day. Let her cry in her room and after a little bit she'll get the point. You have to be strong and not cave in.