22 Month Getting Aggressive HELP!!!!

Wow, I read this and thought I could have wrote these exact words. My little Angel is 23 months and does the same thing. I have tried everything. She is wonderfull at daycare and never cries or anything. Then as soon as we pick her up she wants to act out. I am just like you, I work full time and feel guilty about the time I cannot spend with her. Hopefully this too shall pass. My husband and I are just trying to be very consistant, but its hard.

My problem isnt so much at home I know how to disipline her there. But when I take her out in public and she does those things I dont know how to handle. She is at the stage of instant gratification she wants what she wants right then and not a second later.

Thanks for writing this hopefully the responses you get will help me too.

Hang in there.

My daughter also did this about this age when I took her to daycare. She was so tired and she was excellent all day at daycare and then acted out only toward me when she got home. I did all the things you are doing and stayed consistent. I also started holding her and singing a song. Now she sings it to herself when she gets upset. I always went to the same place(her bedroom and sat on the bed)and sang:" Calm down "name" ,repeat, you are in your safe place, Calm down "name" you are in your safe place. Mommy loves "name" and you are okay, Mommy loves "name" and you are safe.
When she would hurt me, I would say, you may stay in your room until you can be nice. I also tried to start doing special time with fun activities just her and I so that she could get used to the concept of Mommy and her time and then Mommy work time(when in another room).
It worked for me, and I H. it helps. I was so frustrated when my daughter would act out, my daycare provider and several books told me that it was because she felt safe at home and safest with me, so it was okay to act out where as she was not sure about that at school.

Hi H.,
You may not agree with me but here goes. My son did that when he was about 3 years old. your daughter is almost 2 years old and she knows what she is doing. When she hits you, hit her back. Slap her and hold her by the hands and tell her don't ever, ever try anything like that again! Tell her if she does it again she won't like the outcome. NO child should ever hit a parent and no parent should ever put up with it. Nip it now, it will only get worse. The first time my son did that to me was the last time he ever did it, he never tried it again. Good luck!

just because the day care said she doesnt give them problems doesnt mean one of the other kids hasnt hit at her;I would say she has seen that behavior somewhere and is trying it out.she sounds frustrated by something and might be trying the limits.Just make sure and follow thru on the discipline and just not say she will be punished and not punish her;try taking away a favorite toy for so many minutes.I would not give her extra attention when she gets physical like that or she might be getting what she wants and keep doing it.Try taking away toys,timeouts or give her a rag doll she can hit on something when she is angry and cant tell you whats wrong.

my son went through this too at about age 2 and when he would pull my hair i would pull his (not hard) just enougth to get his attention you have to show them how it fells if she slaps you slap her hand and put her in time out and explain why you are doing so... SPARE THE ROD SPOIL THE CHILD.... time out doesn't work on everything

Dear H.,
You are probably not going to like my advice, but here it is anyway. You need to be at home with your daughter. She needs you raising her, not a daycare system full of people who don't really care much about her training and well-being. You are the guardian of that little soul. So many parents send their children off to be raised by other people and then wonder why at 16 (or younger) they are total rebels. That's not to say that you staying at home with her will automatically make her turn out right, it requires your time, love and training. But, it is a start in the right direction. As for her rebellion and disobedience, you need to step up to the plate. When she acts out, get a switch and switch her (never use your hand--your hands should be for loving her) on the bottom or back of the leg. Tell her no. Do that EVERY time and she will stop. Consistency works. Also, obedience is not obedience if her heart (attitude) is not right. She needs a switch when her heart is wrong too. You must ALWAYS win. When she has submitted to your will with the right attitude, then you have won. Then you sit, play, laugh, read a book with her etc. Have fun with her and spend the time with her--her "acting out" is probably in response to her lack of attention by you. Or you may want to consider your attitude. Your daughter will reflect your attitude ( I have to examine myself constantly!!). You know that saying, "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"?? How true that statement is.
P.S. Keep in mind, that you CAN NOT reason with a 2 year old. They do not understand reason, but they do respond to and understand "pain". They do something they should not and pain is the response--don't do that again--no pain. Do it again and I experience pain. It doesn't require a beating for your child to "get it", just CONSISTENCY!
Many blessings!

I can tell you I have been though what you are doing. If she is pulling your hair then you pull hers back. She needs to see how it feels. As of the hitting and things you can pop her on her hand and timeout and explain why your are doing it. Stay with it and it will pass. She will see how it feels and stop doing it.

Hi H. !

There's H. for you yet H.. A good wallop should do it. One vigorous blow coming right up.;-) I happen to be in agreement with the other two on this page so far LOL. A belt to the can will leave an unpleasant forceful impression she will manage to forget years later, and won't hold it against you. My word on that.

It's your turn. Have a happy and whack-filled Mother's Day.;-)

My 23 month old is going through the exact same thing. I think it's for the attention. She definately gets a reaction out of me! I've explained to her that it hurts mommy, but I don't think she quite understands. It's a stage and I'm just being patient and persistant. Punishing and cuddling when needed and H. she grows out of it.

Hey H., I have 3 children, they are now young adults, but before they started school I had to be place them in Daycare when I started working full time, so I know alittle about what you are going through. As you know already, kids do what they see or do what is done to them. They try their newly learned actions out to see what is good, or bad. It is my oppinion that she is repeating the actions she see at daycare, either another child or caregiver is possibly doing these thing to her, or another child. We learn by what we see and by doing what others do. Definately check on this, and ask other Mother at the daycare about this. Visit the daycare at random times if you can, does the daycare have a video camera? Discipling our children is very important, but also being their voice and protector is equally as important.

H.,
Your daughter may be overwhelmed by all the sensations at the daycare and when she gets home she is in her "safe place" and she lashes out. It would be compared to you or I working in a construction site while trying to type a report. After being in that environment all day with all of those noises you would not like to hear much and you would probably be a "crank pot".
When I treat children and they have an "episode", I was taght to sit with them from this school that I worked in. So you sit them in front of you with their legs/arms crossed in front of them. We sit with them because most of the children I treat actually like the deep pressure from the "spanking" or they don't feel it at all.....which doesn't make the behavior go away. Soooo you sit with them and with simple words and a quiet voice you say "when you "behavior" (ie. hit, pull hair, kick) then we will sit. I can tell you that once you begin to do this the behavior will go away quickly if you are consistent with it.
Does she have any other break downs...doesn't like certain textured clothing, doesn't like certain textured foods, covers her ears with certain sounds?
Let me know if the sitting thing helps...it worked great with my own children and in treatment sessions. If you have any questions please email me.
H. it helps,
L.

I usually believe that children act what they experience. She's seen aggressive behavior somewhere, just because she is good at the daycare doesn't mean all the other children are!! I really had to work on my little one, as a single parent I had to work, and daycares will contribute to making a child aggressive because the 'workers' hands are tied except for time outs to deal with aggressive behaviors from the children.

I've never felt to hit them and then tell them not to hit made much sense anyway (how confusing to a little mind). But I did what I called controlled spankings. WITHOUT ANGER OR ANY TYPE OF DISCUSSION JUST QUIETLY put them over my knee, pull down their little britches and slap their but cheek. I never hit or used a lot of force just a good stinging slap along with an explanation of the bad behavior and a little time in a chair to enforce the seriousness of the action. That's about as extreme as I ever had to go. We've always called them grandma spankings cause that's what my grandma did and my siblings and I did not misbehave when Nana was around, ever. She slapped with the ends of her fingers and OUCH!

But some people don't believe in this type of discipline and I'm sorry to say this, because I am very open minded and a peaceful person, but parents need to draw a line or else how are kids to know when they cross it?? NO NO just doesn't cut it!
Then parents turn around and get on to the kids for saying NO instead of teaching them when it is appropriate! Makes the children unable to stand up for themselves later on at school and difficult situations because they've had it pounded into their brains to not be disagreeable. Sorry got way off the subject there.

Pulling her hair or reacting in the same manner does not put YOU in charge or control, and controlling bad behavior isn't done with bad behavior, (that's how WARS are started).

B.

Hi H.,

It sounds like it is time to consider the quote from the Bible: "spare the rod, spoil the child". I know she is almost two, but this is totally unacceptable behavior and you must put a stop to it immediately. A good old-fashioned spanking seems to be in order here. Yes, I believe in time-outs but these are obviously not getting the message across to your child. The next time she does this, tell her no and then turn her over your knee and paddle her bottom . . . thoroughly...let her know she's been spanked, don't just pat her on the bottom, then put her in a chair in the corner facing the corner for 10-15 minutes, when her time is up explain to her that you will NOT EVER put up with that type of behavior and be consistent...paddle her bottom EVERY time she does this until she understands...Honor thy Father and thy Mother. H. this helps.

Not acceptable even once. Put her in time out get down to her level, hold her hands down so she can't hit you and glare at her and in a very very stern voice you tell her she will not ever, ever hit you again. And yes, she has probably seen this behavior at daycare with another parent. I would put the fear of God in to that girl.

Sound like your little girl has hit the terribly two's just a little bit early. Don't worry though, this will pass as I went through this with both my boys at that age. She could be doing one of two things or even both. Sounds like she is testing her limits with you. Be very firm with her in letting her know this is not okay with you. Once she starts to realize that indeed her behavior is not okay, she will most likely cry because her feelings are hurt that you are upset with her. Then it's okay to comfort her. Just remember to be firm, because this behavior will continue if you don't. Remember the terrible two's are a time when limits are constantly being tested. The other thing it could be is that she is trying to express something important to you. My youngest son would behave like this when he had an ear infection. I know it sounds weird but at that age they still can't exactly explain how they feel or what's going on. My son would never cry when he was in pain, he was just aggressive. I wish you the best of luck in this as I know how frustrating this could be!

H., this is probably going to sound cruel but when each of my children have done this, I responded in kind. The hair pulling especially was an irritation to me and they certainly did not like their own hair pulled. Each one of them looked completely shocked that their action (pulling my hair), returned to them, would hurt. I think to them they saw my hair as a toy. The two-year old is still learning what is appropriate but his finger thumps are getting fewer and fewer. Just don't treat this as just another "cute" phase!

H.,

Dont give up your child is going threw some change in her life, but you cant let her do that to you. I to believe spare the rod spoil the child and one day shame thy mother and father. Now that dont mean abouse the child but you are going to have to take control and the father might have to step in and let her know that you wont be doing this to your mother. My children know if I say one thing to there father that they will get it again when he gets home or as soon as I tell him what they done. It wont be easy but you are going to have to put our foot down a little harder and be concistant.

Since she wants to be with you, make her time out be in a room you are not in. Put her in her playpen and leave the room. If she screams, the time out should last until she has stopped. She wants to dominate you. Do not let her do these things even once without some consequence.