I need a little advise on how to address my little girls stubborn, aggressive behavior. I understand all kids go threw this little faze however she is like nothing i have ever seen before. She constantly whines when other people are around (I know its for attention) and i dont give in. she wants everything she can't have and then throws a fit when she cant have it, and when you try to talk to her during her fits she will punch you in your face behavoir i believe she is learning in daycare. So have tried the times out and walking away, my son who is ten was much easier. she is very smart and guess what i asking here is although i am being consistant is there something different i can try or just do what i am doing and things will get better (eventually) I am a single mom with no help from the dad he comes around a few times a month for an hour and she doesnt even acknowledge that he is there.
First off, no hitting/punching! This you should immediately! stop and remodel: take her hand firmly and force a stroke on you (or whoever inc animals!) say "touch nice" and move her hand to stroke gently. Just be consistent and ignore the negative. This too will pass.
Have you ever read or watched the DVD "the happiest toddler on the block"? I saw the doctor that wrote the book at a lecture and it was terrific. I have actually been having issues with my 26 month old and I just rewatched the dvd for some refresher ideas. I watched it a couple of days ago and we have had a pretty decent couple of days since. I think he probably has a website too, but not sure what info is available on it. There are a lot of ideas and strategies for dealing with meltdowns, instilling patience etc that really do work. Also, she is at an age where she wants to have some control of her environment, so give her lots of little victories throughout the day on stuff that isn't important so when you need her to cooperate, she is more willing to do so. For us, I let my daughter pick out her own clothes (even if they don't match), pick the bowl for cereal, color cup etc. Anything where I can give her a choice I do. It does make a big difference. For things that are more important (for us food choices) I will give her two that are ok with me, an apple or a pear, etc. She thinks she is winning this one, but really she is eating what I want her to. Also, giving lots of undivided attention in small bursts throughout the day helps too. Put down the computer or phone or paper etc and just give her 100% of you even if it is only for 5 minutes at a time, it will help her feel like she is important and that she is your priority. I highly suggest you rent the movie or buy the book and try the strategies. It basically compares toddlers to little cavemen and gives you ways to stop the outbursts and even prevent them. Good luck. I know my daughter is way more challenging at this age than my son ever was and I was shocked the behavior started so young. May you have lots of patience.
Hi there. My son is 26 months old so I am/have been experiencing similar behavior. At first I was really stern with him, but that didn't produce good results.
My advice:
Continue to use time outs for hitting or other violence or "rule breaking". Make sure you have specific rules and only use time outs for those. In my house it's like: no hitting/kicking, no spitting, dont throw your toys/food, things like that. I don't use a time out unless he breaks a set rule.
Also, if your daughter is whining and wanting you, give her some love and attention. I found with my son that giving the attention he asks for works better than not doing so. If I respond when he wants me, he seems to ask for me less, and he is also happy, so I'm not dealing with a tantrum. Sometimes you really can't give the attention and they will get mad, but you can only do what you can do, so if they are mad, oh well.
Also, when my son is getting upset/tantrum, I try to see things from his point of view and talk to him as though I am thinking on his level. Ex: he is mad because he can't have ice cream, I tell him I understand and I want to eat ice cream too, then I explain that Ice Cream is a treat and we need to eat a healthy meal before we have a treat...something like that. This doesn't always work, but usually.
Two is a really hard age. Just try to be as patient as possible...not easy, but you will get through it. And some days are much harder than others. You just have to figure out what your daughter responds best to and handle her in that way...you'll be just fine! Best wishes.
oohhhh you are in a tough spot. That's great not giving in b/c then she learns that whining works. Consistency is HUGE.
1) don't lose your cool. Even if you have to pick her up in put her in a safe place (crib/room) don't explode.
2) you are teaching her how to deal with a stressful situation. If you hit/yell/scream/punch that'll be what she does. then you both will be yelling/screaming/punching eachother.
3) I KNOW its hard to do. you need to very sternly, yet calmly, say to her, "I cannot let you yell (scream, kick the dog, punch the neighbor). I am going to move your body to a safe place." She is way too young to explain why she's mad, so don't expect her to.
4) 2 yr olds need compassion and predictability more than anything else. give her those and this phase will pass quicker.
Hey J.!
I went through a very similar situation with my now 8 yo. I would tell her when she whined "I can't understand you when you don't use your regular voice", I was very consistant and never gave her anything when she whined, now if she even starts I can say "whining gets you what?" and she'll say "nothing". As for the hitting and temper tantrums etc. what I did was lap time outs; I would hold her gently but firmly on my lap, facing away from me (watch your nose, mine would try to head butt me initially), and count to twenty. When I got to twenty I would ask "are you ready to talk?" and if she said no I would count to twenty again. This process sometimes took awhile and could be a little embaraasing depending on where I was! When she said yes and was ready to talk I would explain that her behavior was not OK and what I wanted instead. It's a work in progress but we have great communication now and I did get through that period without freaking out. Hope that helps, take care!
Best source for toddler discipline I've ever found - www.askdrsears.com - great site for all child care stuff! Also try Haim Ginott's book Between Parent and Child - it's excellent stuff, and the methods in it are confirmed by our counselor as positive and helpful - it's been a lifesaver.
Consistency and try not to react to her fits. Be very calm and get down to her level. Look her in the eyes and tell her calmly that this is not appropriate behavior, give her a timeout then make her apologize. You are doing a great job just hang in there.
Hi J.,
You have gotten some good advice from the other Moms. I know it sounds corny, but I wanted to suggest two books. I just checked out "Nanny 911" of the library and it has some wonderful suggestions. Also, "Ask SuperNanny" by Jo Frost is interesting. I don't have a lot of time to read, but I try to read for 15 minutes every evening after the girls are in bed. These two books have helped us dealing with our 27 month old twins.
Good luck!
You've gotten some great advice. I just wanted to add that it's worth some effort to try to avoid the tantrums before they start. Make sure she's well-fed, well-rested, and not teething (Tylenol helped a lot when my daughter went through this stage). Give her lots of positive attention so she doesn't have to whine to get it. Help her make choices about what she CAN have, and try to keep her away from things she can't. Sometimes it helps to use different words other than "No" like "maybe another time" or "not now--let's have this instead". I also recommend "The Happiest Toddler on the Block." Good luck with your daughter. I think you're on the right track.
I feel you...and sorry to say it, but am thankful I am not the only one. I think we may have long-lost sisters here...Kaia acts in the very same manners, especially when dad is home or company is over. As you, I too do not tolerate this behavior and she knows this!
Although I find it unecessary and uneffective to get equally frustrated, instead speak to them as though they are little adults and give them options. If grabbing from the kitchen counter is unsafe and therefore a "NO!" then maybe create a play shelf, somewhat difficult to reach so they still feel challenged and can achieve something, in their room or family room to place toys/items on and off of.
Overall give them choices, so then they think ultimately they've made the decision...do you want a brown cookie or a pink cookie, do you want to brush your teeth first or take a bath first...an so on. If this doesn't manifest then it is completely okay that they have a quite, time out to regather themselves. Being able to content oneself is an important tool in life for us all. Too much stimulation can also frustrate one.
I will also sometimes try and change the subject or distract her. I know what she does like and if I go about presenting it to her in the right manner, a positive response is hopeful! Just start cracking up at nothing, or maybe pretned to hurt yourself, she may find this amusing.
Good luck and as I am often told, "this too will pass". Best Regards, J. Tidwell
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J.,
Responses from Teresa and Jessica hit it right on the nose! Give you daughter a choice between two items that you approve of if the one she wants is not a option. Another way to disfuse the "I want" is to tell her that it's not available right now but you will put it on your list...even write or pretend to write it down. (I was amazed how well this worked)They usually end up forgetting about it. It is extremely important that you control how you react to events/things because it will be exactly how they will react in the future.
OH MY GOODNESS....we are in the same situation. My daughter is 2 1/2 and I have a 12 year old son. I agree my son was never like this at this age. My daughter however throws some major tantrums. We do the time out thing and I have ignored her as well. The time out's usually work a little better for us. Like you said being consistent is the best thing. Being a mom is a hard job and then throw on top of that a single one, you can do it. Being consistent will pay off. Hang in there!!
