21 Year Old Daughter Going to Have Baby

Hi J.-

I have no experience in this department whatsoever but as a former "young lady who knew everything" I can tell you that if your daughter does not want to go the lawyer route, it's not going to happen so you might as well just enjoy this time with your daughter and be as supportive as you can be. I don't know this young man, but there are some men who actually do "the right thing". Give them the benefit of the doubt and let them try to make this work.

Also, if they were to go to an attorney now, your daughter might just let him off easy since she loves him and she's hoping for a happy family with him. She also might not be aware of certain things she should ask for since the baby is not here yet. Down the road if things don't work out, she can go to an attorney and she'll have better perspective on what the baby needs as well as what is fair.

Good Luck!
K.

Dear J.,
I know this may sound a little harsh, but I feel you are putting your fears on your daughter. You were a single mom caring for 3 kids under the age of ten, but this is your daughters situation and needs to be viewed differently. You need to be happy for your daughter no matter the situation or circumstance because it is not going to change the fact that she is pregnant.

I know it is difficult, but you need to embrace it and let her go her own way. She is 21 and you have done your job now it is time to let her go and let her shine. Whether you approve or not, keep a tight tongue because words you can never take back. Sometimes words and actions hurt more, because you can never forget the damaging words that have been spoken.

As far as legal issues....why even bring that up? It took 2 to tango and they need to work this out themselves. You are only hurting the relationship by even suggesting this to your daughter and causing ill will. If you want a relationship with your daughter, only give advice when asked and even then be VERY careful because you are treading on an emotional ground.

God Bless
M.
Mom to 5 awesome kids and know my day will come when I have to bite my tongue as well!! Many times over.... :)

I know this is scary - and hard to stand by but she needs to learn to make the motherly decisions for herself now, and you need to learn the "grandmother role" and stay in the background. I have a young daughter myself so I can imagine how I would feel in your position - SO HARD - but you do have to let her make these decisions, as long as he is not abusive, it is her relationship. If he should drop out of the picture, only then would I strongly recommend she go through the proper channels to set up child support, etc.. Right now you can't really sign anything until the baby is here anyway, so wait and see how it goes. He's in the miliary, so at least you will always know where he is, so he isn't really going anywhere you can't find him. If you interfere now that is going to set this up as a negative thing already (going to an attorney just screams about your lack of trust) and you want to be on good terms with both of them, now more than ever. Your interfering could have the opposite result - putting even more pressure on their relationship or scaring him about her having a controlling mother could just run him away instead of bringing him in - I would pour on the honey with him - congratulate him and act like you assume he will function as an involved, responsible father. Get to know him but be NICE! If you let him know you expect the opposite, he may be more likely to act that way. Hope that makes sense.

It took the two of them to create this life, it will take the two of them to figure it out. Give advice when asked and learn to hold your advice when it is not YET needed, don't worry, she be coming to you with a million questions before you know it.

Congratulations Grandma!

Your going to feel so much better after the baby gets here. I would be careful who you lay your fears on. You don't want to start any hard feelings and have conflict starting off. Our girls are as tough as we are, she will be able to handle what comes her way. Just pray and talk to her when the time is right. Hopefully yall have that kind of relationship that she can soak it all up and it not cause conflict. Trust me though whatever comes your way your going to enjoy the baby and the other problems will seem to work itself out.

Hi J.,

I have been the pregnant 21 year old with a boy that was 10 years older than me. My Mom was scared to death and had all kinds of advice for me, including ending the pregnancy, but I wanted none of it. I just wanted to have a Mom that would support me no matter what decision I made and do so without any judgement or negativity. After I explained this to my Mom, she did as I requested and we have never been closer. I kept the baby and married the father (at 21). Now we have two children and have been happily married for 11 years!! It doesn't always work out well, but don't say anything negative about the boy or or the baby, even if your daughter does. If you do, it could hurt your relationship. My Mom and I are best friends now and have been through so much together and I have always appreciated what she did for me by standing by me and letting me make the decisions about my live.

Good luck and congratulations!!
T.

J.
congrats on being a grandma to be! I don't have a mom anymore, so I see this from a different perspective. Why don't you tell your daughter how you feel. Not all of it, but how you are concerned for her and how you don't want her to have a difficult struggle ahead of her. Like all moms, you don't want her to walk in your shoes, you want her to have something different and better. She may or may not hear a word you say, but express it and let her make her call from there. she needs to know that she has you supporting her either way. You'll either be there to see everything work out fine, or you'll be there to help her pick up the pieces later. either way, you'll get the enjoyment of the beautiful baby. as fas as legal issues are concerned, there's not much that can be done yet. the baby needs to arrive and the parents needs to figure out their status and go from there. maybe just maybe, this is what the daddy to be needs to grow up and start learning to finish what he started. my brother sounds exactly like this guy and when he had his son at a young age, he became a different person. I hope all works out for the best and I hope you'll be there through it all regardless.

HI J.-

First off, congrats on becoming a grandma-to-be! It's great that you want to look out for the baby's well being.

I was 20 when I was pregnant with my first child and unmarried at the time. I was concerned with what would happen with custody arrangments later so I sought free legal help through Texas Tech Univ. where I was a student. I was basically told (by lawyers, not students) that there's really nothing you can really set up legally until the baby is born because as far as the law is concerned, the baby isn't an actual entity until he/she is born. So I'd probably suggest that your daughter and the father try to work something out on their own and then once the baby is born, consider having something legally drawn up.

That being said, I later married the father of my first child. At the time I was pregnant and even now sometimes, my husband sounds similar to how you described your grandchild's father. I did break up with my then boyfriend for a while and we weren't together for the first 8 mos. of my daughter's life. It helped immensely knowing that my parents as well as my now in-laws were supportive of US as well as our daughter.

Good luck with everything! I'm sure it will all turn out fine and your grandbaby will be beautiful and well cared for! :)

~L.