20 Year Old Niece

She is an adult, so it makes no sense to treat her like a child.

I think you should make a time to calmly sit down with her. Remind her that you were willing to give her a place to live while she went to school. However, since she is working full time instead of going to school, it's time for her to get her own apartment. Tell her that you don't want to leave her with nowhere to go, so you are giving her 60 days notice to find another place to live. If you want, you can add that you love her, and that you'd be happy to have her over once a week for dinner after she has her own place.

Please do not bring up anything about her personal adult choices. Those are hers to make, and passing judgement on her choices will only lead the conversation off on a tangent. Stick to the facts - you agreed to provide her a place to live while she went to school. She's not going to school, and since she works full time, she should get her own place.

It sounds like she needs to move out and get on with her life. She isn't really doing anything unusual for her age, it's just incompatible with your household. She needs her own place with her own rules. Sit down with her and give a clear timeframe - say 3-6 months - to get her plan together and move.

she's a young adult, so treat her like one. sit down with her over a cup of coffee and explain (briefly! no droning lecture!) that since she has changed the parameters of the living situation, you need to change them also so the family dynamic works better.
that you're proud of her for working hard. that while you disagree with her decision to quit school, you understand and accept that it's her choice and her judgment call. but with young teenagers in the house, the drop-in party lifestyle won't work.
before giving her options, ask her what HER solutions to the problem would be. listen to her carefully. she might have some great ideas, or it might at least give you more insight into what's going on with her.
if she doesn't offer anything that will jive with you (and the teen boys sharing a room to create space for her that she doesn't use is a biggie), then you can lay down some parameters. i'd caution against going too heavy, at least at the beginning. she absolutely should pay rent, and perhaps kick in for groceries or utilities since she's a working adult. if she's not going to use the room, you take it back but make space for her somewhere else, maybe, curtain off part of the family room or something. or give her a month- or three- to make her preparations and move out, but allow her to use your place as a base while she sorts it out.
i agree that you don't just throw her in the street, but that doesn't mean she just uses your place as a flophouse.
IF she seeks your opinion you can tell her how important an education is, and your hopes and dreams and fears for her. but don't start there, and don't go there unless she solicits it. stick to practical details, and make sure that even as you lay down the parameters, your bearing is warm and loving.
20 is such a stupid age.
good luck!
khairete
S.

You let her move in to pursue her education, she is not holding up her end of the bargain, so yes, you throw her out. Now, of course you are not just going to leave her stuff on the curb, but let her know that since she has decided not to go to school she needs to find her own place to live, and then give her a timeline to do so, say 30 days. It is time for a little tough love.

I don't understand how her behavior can make the rest of your family "miserable." she is 20 and old enough to make her own decisions. The name of this game is acceptance - you have to accept that she's made her choice, whether you agree with it or not. I doubt your kids really care, other than they have to listen to you and hubby complain. Either give her a date by which to be moved, or accept her rent payments and her choices. Those are your only two options. You cannot make her do anything. And everyone taking turns getting at her about this is only going to make her more adamant to continue doing what she's doing.

Yikes, tough situation! 20 is a tough age because she is almost an adult but not quite. Also, it is complicated by the fact she is your niece and not your daughter. I would decide with your hubby what the rules are for your house. Your house-your rules-bottom line. I would sit down with her and spell them out. Also be clear that if she breaks them she is out. Let her know you love her and want the best for her and that you also have a household to run with minors. If she wants total freedom she needs her own place. If not, there are rules. Also, your marriage and your kids' quality of life has to be the ultimate priority. Blessings to you Mama! You are a fabulous aunt!!
One more thought, she might benefit from some professional help, like seeing a therapist, to help her sort out all that she has going on. She has been through a lot in her 20 yrs.

Let her know that you are needing your children's bedroom back and that she needs to consider moving by the end of the school year. That since she's working 2 jobs now she is making enough to support herself. You've enjoyed having her with you and hope she will do well on her own.

This gives her a couple of months to consider her options and save money for deposits and stuff. Offer to take her looking at apartments.

I imagine her boyfriend will hear she needs to move and they'll move in together in a few weeks.

"Niece, can we visit for a few minutes? We love having you hear and the kids love you!

We have an issue and I need your help. The kids are fighting and they hate sharing space. Since you aren't going to school now and are working 2 jobs you can afford to move into a cute apartment that's all yours. No rules or chores for others, just you and your own stuff where you want it.

We hate to do this but we would like to ask you to start looking around and move out by the end of May. That will give you time to find just the right place AND save up some money for deposits and stuff.

We love you and want you to come visit and still be part of our lives. But we just have to have the space back"

.

I guess you have to prioritize, and figure out what's your responsibility and what isn't.

You say that she moved in because it was "safer" - can you elaborate more? If she was in an unsafe home with violence, drugs or major instability, that's one thing. If it's a general "suburbs are safer than Chicago", that's another.

I believe it's up to her to decide if she's going to school or working. You're not her parents, and she's 20 anyway, so it's her call. Offering her money (and her father-in-law doing the same) as a "bribe" to go to school usually backfires. She's working (and by your admission, working hard), and she has tons of cash on hand. She has no expenses so she has plenty of party money.

It's also not up to her to set an example for your children. They are 13, and while you don't want them to experience all adult issues, you can't shield them entirely from everything.

Whether you approve of her drinking is irrelevant because you aren't her parents. Yes, it's illegal, but I think we'd be hard-pressed to find 20 year olds who don't drink. I'd be more concerned if she came from an unstable home situation and has no info on pregnancy prevention, sexually transmitted diseases, and so on. Of course, that's not your official responsibility either, but as a caring aunt, you might inquire about her safety. Otherwise, she's a typical 20-something reacting to intense freedom.

That said, you don't have to turn your lives upside down for someone who isn't there, isn't helping and isn't paying rent. You're giving her a place to crash on occasion when she shows up, letting her shower and do laundry. That's plenty, for free. So your kids have to share a room because she's there? But she's not there anymore? So, you find a nice corner of the house with a decorative screen to pile up her stuff, or give her a spare dresser in a guest room or a corner of the family room, and you give your kids their rooms back. If she wants to crash with you 2 nights a week, she can sleep on the couch or a blow-up air mattress in the family room. She doesn't get to lay claim to an entire room she's not in.

Then, if she continues to mooch of you with no chores and no responsibilities, you either charge her a nominal rent for losing, laundry, utilities and storage, or you give her a date to find her own place. She wants to be an adult and stay with friends and work full time and drink? Fine, she can have the adult responsibilities that go with it - which include a paycheck that isn't yours to spend on clothes and movies, but to support your food, clothing and shelter.

So, depending on her home situation, you either consult with her parents, or you make your own decision. The deal was that she would go to school. She does not have to continue that just because you think education is important - so take that off your list! She wants to be an adult, then she becomes one. So that means she pays rent (so you can pay someone else to help your kids with homework and shuttle them to the activities you can't get them to) and to cover what you pay on her behalf, or she moves out, which is NOT "kicking her out on the street."

You must, not matter what, put your value judgments about who she sleeps with or what she drinks, aside. You may well be right, but just isn't your call. But you can certainly take control of your own home with an adult discussion with her about adult matters.

Telling a 20 year old that it's time for her to get her own place is not "kicking her out." She's an adult, and it fully capable of living on her own, or with roommates of her choosing, especially since she is a hard worker with a job. I agree with the comment below that nothing she is doing is unusual for her age.

If your family is being made "miserable" by this experience, it's time for her to go. Just kindly tell her that it's been fun, but it's time for her to get her own place. If she's incapable of finding a place on her own, you can help her look through Craigslist, etc. My daughter found roommates in another city all by herself when she was 20, and managed all the details of moving there.

You need to decide your house rules, revisit them with her and have her decide if she will follow them or not. Some of what you describe sounds like the behavior of a boomeranged college student - our house was a hotel and we didn't get any help beyond the pittance we charged for rent. It made me very very angry. If it's not working and she won't change, then give her notice to find somewhere else - be it on her own or back in class.

ETA: It's not throwing her out. It's treating her like an adult. You can give her a timeframe, help her look for apartments, help her understand bills, etc. My SD has lived off campus for 2+ years now and has learned a lot about leases, household chores, grocery budgeting, etc. It's been good for all of us.

You're a good auntie. Your niece has not kept up her side by not going to school. Life has a way of teaching us many wanted and unwanted lessons. Niece is now working and she can live on her own and pay for it herself.

Have a meeting or a lunch with your niece at a restaurant. During the lunch explain to her that it might be time for her to find her own place. She is a 20 year old woman and is doing adult things and needs her privacy. Let her know that the door is open for a dinner on Sunday or Friday and occasional laundry. Her boyfriend(s) are her problem. Just let her know that as a woman, she needs to take care of herself physically (birth control) and mentally. Wish her well and let her go.

Your home runs by your rules (hubby and yours). A miserable home front is not what you need. Take back your home and give the boys back their rooms as they need them. She can sleep on the blow up bed -- I hear they are quite comfortable. Niece is nice but not your immediate family which IS your priority.

Do keep us posted on what happens.

the other S.

PS You do not want to be raising a great niece or nephew. You are not "throwing" her out you are showing her the way to be an adult with a bit of tough love.

I am sorry that she had such a rough childhood. She clearly is not interested in a family setting. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

Tell her that now that she's working so many hours, has no college plans and isn't contributing to the household, she should look for an apartment. Tell her she can stay with you for a few weeks until she's able to find a place and give a move-out date.

I would sit down with her and have a lengthy discussion regarding her future and following the rules in your home. I know at 20 most kids feel like they know it all and don't really think about the future.

She has a wonderful opportunity to go to school without worrying about rent and other expenses. Remind her that this is the time to go, not when she is older, has children, etc.. Keep supporting her emotionally and keep the communication open.

It's time for her to move out.
I don't think you need to do anything but give her a few weeks notice - her boyfriend will help her out - your sons need their own rooms and it's unkind of her to expect to have a room be held for her when she hardly uses it.
Guess you can chalk it up as 'lesson learned' but if anything like this opportunity comes up in the future - have it all agreed to in writing before anyone moves in.

Thank you all for your suggestions. I love having her here,she's the the only other girl with all the testosterone in the house. we have a lot of fun and
it's actually like having a daughter. the reason I say my husband and sons are miserable are because the boy's are having to share a room for the first time and they hate it. and especially because she's never there anymore. I don't just feel like I can throw her out because her mom is an alcoholic and never been stable and her dad has been in prision about 14 of her 20 yrs. so she's never really had stability before

By the way, to add more information to your post, you can edit it, add "ETA" and then put in the new part. Putting it in a reply is hard for readers to see it.

The backstory about her mother's alcoholism and absent father is really helpful. As Margie G and Momandlovingit said, your niece probably has a bunch of issues to deal with there (not to mention that a child of an alcoholic drinking does carry some major added risks). You don't mention whether she has health insurance which would cover counseling, however she most likely could use some to deal with the baggage. Al-Anon meetings or specifically those for Adult Children of Alcoholics would be really helpful for her, and they're basically free. In any case, however, she herself has to decide that she has been harmed by her mother's alcoholism and that she wants to find a happier, saner way of living inside her own head.

In terms of the living situation, I agree with what the others have said. Since she is an adult, it is her decision how to use her time, whom to hang out with, and what kind of future she wants to work towards. She came to live with you in order to go to school. If she's not enrolled in school and has a reliable income, she needs to have her own place. She can come visit twice a week, maybe even babysit or tutor your sons, however taking up a bedroom when she's not living there, that's not good. The Talk can and must be done calmly, lovingly, and soon, where you and she decide if she is going back to school in the next few months or if she will move out in 60 days. Good luck--even in asking her to fulfill the original agreement or move to her own place, you are giving her the parenting she probably didn't get from her own mother!