20 Month Old Tantrums

My daughter (also the youngest, only 19 mos.) is very willful too. To the point that she has to do everything herself even if she can't do it -- like peeling an orange. With her (and with my older son) when they started this temper-tantrum phase, at home I would just let them have a temper-tantrum wherever they were and say to them "Let me know when you are done and we can discuss it." Then I usually walk away or go back to what I was doing and ignore them. On a particularly bad day, I even let my son do it at the grocery store (ahh, the horror -- you can imagine the stares I got, but we were completely out of food so just leaving wasn't an option).
Squawking and yelling like this is a cry for attention, so the best way to correct this behavior is to resolutely ignore the child when she is behaving badly AND pay close attention to her when she is behaving correctly. It's hard with more kids and your youngest may just be trying to get her share of mommy time -- even if all she gets is the time you are carrying her to her crib. Get your older kids in on the action too -- because attention from them also reinforces both bad and good behavior.

Hi Andrea,
Might I make a few suggestions. The first is to make everything and I do mean everything counter-productive for your little lady when she decides to throw her tantrum. That means if she screeches for something she not only doesn't get what she wanted but she sits out for a bit. I would make her sitting out period as uncomfortable for her as possible. Like a hard/cold chair facing the wall with a boring view. Placing her in her crib has a two fold confusing effect. First off it's probably a warm comfortable place to be (maybe has toys in it) so there's no hardship there. Secondly since this is her resting place it would be rather confusing to her as to why she gets put there as a punishment during the day and a resting place for naps or bedtime the rest of the time.If she gets grabby over something it should be taken from her and put where she can see it but is told not to touch it. If she reaches out to take or touch the item you will find that a small switch on the hand will remind her quickly that she was told not to touch. This works well if she has been told to stop being rude/grabby or whatever the issue is. A switch will get her attention more then it will hurt her although it should bring her a bit of "discomfort". Consider what the family may be doing to "spoil" her and put a stop to it. This could be a big issue in that she is always getting her way and in her limited thinking she chooses to throw a tantrum when she doesn't get what she wants. It apparently has been working for her so if you nip it in the bud and redirect her she'll reason that her tantrum isn't working anymore. One more thought is that she may need some productive things to help keep her busy and involved with the family. Does she have chores to do? She should and this will help her feel like she is important (as she is). I think personally the more involved our kids are in the goings-on of the family they have less time to serve themselves and more time to serve others. Remember, whatever you choose to do be very firm (your in charge) and be very consistent. Blessings, L.

It sounds like she is realizing she cannot always have what she wants. Let her have her tantrum. I found at that age it is best to just leave them where they are and walk away. Attention in any way can just feed the fire. After she is done with the tantrum, then you can try talking to her about it. If she is screeching at everyone istead of talking normally, have everyone ignore her. You will probably have to remind her siblings to leave her alone. It's not an easy phase, but you all will make it through. Good luck

We have a screecher at our house, too, so I feel your frustration.
I would suggest getting a copy of the book "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk." It pretty much saved my children's lives and reduced the volume around here to a more friendly level.
I applaud you for working so hard to be consistent. Remember, though, she is a baby and just learning cause and effect. A lot of time out can accidentally send the message of conditional affection. Perhaps distraction and diffusing some of these outbursts would sometimes be more effective, so you are not isolating her so often--if that's your big, last resort method, then save it for special (horrible) times so it's not overused.
In that book (which is probably available at your public library and is inexpensive online) it suggests taking down the start of a tantrum by validating the child's intense feelings. I could not believe how well this works. When she starts squawking that she wants, say, a toy, say "Oh, you *really* want that, don't you? You love that toy! Your brother is playing with it right now. Say, 'hi, Brother! May I please play with that toy when you're done?' Let's read a story/make a snack/move the laundry while we wait for it," and then offer her some other activity so the fit never has a chance to build.
Yes, this can feel labor-intensive, but no more so than constantly hauling her off to time out, and it keeps your other children from resenting her.
I have found with my three children that when they start acting like demanding toads, they are often hungry or in need of personal attention. By having healthy snacks often and lots of "time IN" we've been able to ward off many a meltdown.
There's no need to set up an adversarial relationship with your baby--this won't last long. Hang in there, and I hope you look at that book. It's been so helpful to me. Best wishes!

I also have a strong-willed child. I could tell from the day he was born. Cried a lot and was a very fussy baby. There is no magic answer....some kids are just harder to raise than others. One book that did help me was "The happiest toddler on the block" by Dr. Kemp. It doesn't directly address strong willed kids, but the techniques help a lot!

Good luck!