2 Year Old Afraid of a Family Friend

My sons been kinda like that with someone before and I just respect the way he feels. They are people to and if I got a weird vibe from someone I wouldn't want to be forced to spend time with them, on the other hand talk to the person and see if maybe the vibe is cause children make them nervous. Children sense things we don't.

my 2 year old daughter did this to. We learned that i origanally started from the guy wearing sunglasses and a hat. He also would move towards her a little fast for her comfort. It also got to the point were if we said his name she would cry. However, the last few times we had him keep his hat and glasses off and he didn't approach her. After a few times she went up to him and started playing with him. My advice look for things that might scare her and just give her space she'll come around.

Fortunately, I haven't experienced that with my son - yet. However, I was wondering if there is a physical characteristic about this gentleman that makes him stick out from other family members? Perhaps facial hair, deep voice, very tall or muscular? Maybe, as another woman said, there's something about his appearance that scares her. Has anyone asked her why she's afraid of him?

My kids are/were like that too, with certain people.
I don't force them to 'like' the person. They don't have to like everyone. I rather have them trust their instincts, than to 'have to' be friendly with everyone, especially in this day and age of crimes against children.

Some kids, like my daughter, can 'feel' the bad/good vibes off of people... she has a knack for it. Some people/kids are just better at 'reading' people and trusting their instincts or comfort levels about certain people. My daughter has been correct about certain people many times... whereas the adult was more trusting.

NOT saying your family friend is 'bad', but perhaps there is just something about him that she does not like. For example, my cousin has really bush-whacked gray and black hair... and it 'scares' my son. My son says he looks like a monster with his unruly hair.

All the best,
Susan

My mom couldn't understand why I never visited my grandmother after she remarried... that is until her "New Love" died. DUH. Guess who 'felt me up'? I was 12 but still didn't feel like I could resist... and he'd do it with grandma just around the corner and even in a family photo (how my mom found out)! Your granddaughter may never have had an experience with him; she may just be very intuitive. Either way, who's the adult here? Please, protect the child. Adults can get over the 'hurt' much easier. From my perspective, it can take a LONG time to get over the hurt suffered as a child.

Is he very tall or have a beard? Every time kids around 2 meet my lovely husband, they are terrified. Some don't get over it til they are 3. I can't give a psychological explanation, but I have seen 2 year olds react with fear and almost all children over 4 go out of their way to look at him or play with him. I have seen this reaction from children towards other men who are very tall or bearded, but I am sure there are other physical (even the voice) traits that can cause a young toddler to be wary or even afraid. Since your grandaughter has never been alone with him or been picked up by him, it seems evident its a fear of some aspect of his being.

I hope that helps.

A.
Mother of Jude (4) and Coda (6 mo.)

Yes, my DD had the same reaction to a family member. She eventually grew out of it. We never figured out what it was, she didn't even have to see them, just hearing their voice would send her into hysterics.

First of all how do you know he has never had any contact with her? Obviously she has been around him multiple times from what you are saying....Things to consider....has he ever been over while she was in another room sleeping? Has the person ever left your site while there? Say to go to the restroom? You must consider the small things that are taken for granted. Can you think of a time when they were both out of your site? Can she talk? Children will tell you if you ask them.. Talk to her alone and ask her why she is afraid of him and ask as many questions as you can to pin point when and how...sometimes taking a doll and asking her to show you what he would do on the doll makes it easier ..You need to talk to an assualt unit with your police department so they can arrange for her to talk to a child psych that specialises in molested children. They also have a special med unit so that they can examin the child without being intrusive...They use a special ferenzic system that takes the shape of her flesh in that area and maps out the area.

And yes I have and sad to say it was my 4 year old daughter and my brother/her uncle who was babysitting for me all the time...she started acting different when i would take her and her brother to his apartment.

F.,

Are you a thousand percent certain she has never been alone with him, even for a few minutes? This sounds very suspicious, and there could be something that has happened to your daughter with this person that has traumatized her. I'm not saying sexual necessarily (though that is also a possibility), but he could have done something to frighten her when you were not looking.

Regardless, even if he has done nothing to her, do not attempt to minimize her feelings of fear toward him, even if doing so would spare you embarrassment. This is your daughter and she needs you to make her feel safe, no matter what her reasons are. You don't even have to tell this family friend the reason you are perhaps keeping them apart (if that's what she wants), just take her to a different room where she has no contact with him and don't tell him why.

When I was 7 my mother had a boyfriend I hardly knew, and I had the same reaction to him. He had never done anything to me, but the reason I felt this way was because he was trying to kiss me whenever he saw me..as a father might kiss his young child..but because in my eyes he was a stranger I was terrified of this, and it was all the more worse when my mother tried to minimize my feelings of fear toward this man since she didn't want him to be offended by my reaction so she made me sit with him. I never forgot it or got over it and looking back (I'm now 42), I view that experience as her putting other people's feelings ahead of my own childish ones. Not a good way to bond as mother and daughter.

Good luck.

Are you SURE this man has "never been in the same room alone with her..." and "he has never picked her up..." let alone other THINGS???
This can either be really scary or it can be nothing at all. But I would go the safe route and keep her at your side at ALL times when he is near, to comfort her, and to send a message to him that he cant approach her(if he is innocent of anything he wont even notice this). Ask him questions as if you're curious why she's afraid of him, like GOSH, I DONT UNDERSTAND IT! SHE NEVER DOES THIS, IT'S SO STRANGE, I'M SORRY. HAS ANYTHING HAPPENED THAT YOU CAN THINK OF THAT WOULDVE FRIGHTENED HER? IT'S THE WIERDEST THING!
Investigate. You know what I mean. Do some footwork about it. When you put your mind to it you may figure it out. Watch him, study him, find out where he goes and what he does as habits, etc.
This is all just to be safe. Be careful not to become paranoid just because you're "investigating". It would be unfair. But this can be done silently. Dont feel guilty. If he is a normal guy he would want to know too, about HIS child.

Wendy

My oldest daughter did this to my brother. He is about 6' 1" and she was very tiny. He seemed like a monster to her. We did not see by brother very often and she just didn't like him. My daughter one day got so mad and scared at him that she took that pointing finger and shook it at him. My brother was very surprised and he never pushed it. Then one day when she was about 4 she crawled into his lap during Christmas. They have been good since then. BTW she is almost 18 now. Any my younger daughter who is only 6 does this with a lot of people. It is their own security sense that they are using.

Children are great judges of character when they are young, I've found. Maybe she's just picking up some kind of weird vibe...is there anyway you can just not have your child near this person? That's great that they've never been alone together. I was molested as a young child and every time I'd have to see that person I'd get really sick and couldn't hold anything down. I'm of course not saying that he's done anything wrong. But to be on the safe side, I'd keep her away from him.

Does he have a beard? My daughter distrusts anyone with a beard. (Including Santa Claus.)

You care much about your daughter and have an idea as well that a family member could hurt a kid. So what I am thinking is it could be a little embarissing to you with the large friendly family and all.I would justify her fear and keep her safe. You don't have to make a big deal of it just justify her and hold her and say she only goes near him on her terms whisper it in her ear. If you honour what she feels is important she will know you are in charge and make good choices. That way if anything ever does happen to her she will know she can tell you. And you are not brain washing her to be nice to everyone. When she finds words maybe she can tell you whats up.

My first reaction is what is different about this person then other family members, is he realy tall, is he very large ,does he have facial hair, tattoo's , does he wear a uniform, glasses, braces, bald anything that is different then others is he the same race as your family. If none of these are a big difference from others I would say there is something in his personality that your grand-daughter has picked up on. For your grand-daughters sake please believe her and try not to discount her feelings? I would try and talk with her as much as she can talk to find out why she is afraid but it is SO important that she knows you BELIEVE her and do not force her to be around this person. If something has happened to her and everyone keeps telling her how nice he is she will never feel comfortable telling anyone the truth about her fear. You say they have never been alone could she have seen him do something to someone else? She is your grandchild does she live with you or her mother maybe she has seen him when she isn't with you? You may never know why but know that her fear is justified to her and you MUST support her and keep her safe that is our job as her parent and grandparents. Good luck

My youngest son had a similar reaction to his great-grandmother for a long time. He was very fearful at family events where she was present, wanting to be constantly held by me or my husband, etc. She has severe short term memory loss, which made the situation more difficult because she would frequently approach him, not remembering his previous reaction (and we didn't really attempt to ask her to give him space, knowing that she wouldn't be able to remember our request). I personally think that our son could sense that something is "off" about her but obviously didn't know why, since he was around 1-1/2 to 2 when this fear was at its height. He has since grown out of it. I don't think your granddaughter's fear is necessarily a sign of something sinister going on, but you should respect it and not try to force her to be around this person. It may not make sense to you but it is very real to her right now. Good luck!

Kids are totally unique and wonderful! So this I believe is totally normal. I have two daughters, 2 and 4 yrs old. My 4yr old when she was a baby-2yr old was terrified of my husbands father! She couldn't look at him or hear his voice without going nuts and crying! He is a wonderful grandfather, but something about him she wasn't having! Now she loves him and has no fear of him. The same thing happened with my 2nd daughter from baby-2yr also, she was so freaked out by my MIL's fiance! Now, he is like 6ft 7in, which might be why she was terrified of him! Now she is fine with him too. Kids just have their reasons why they are freaked by certain people and by the time they are able to tell you why, well they don't remember! I used to feel bad that my kids acted so scared of their own family members, but I have learned that's just a phase like the many others that they can go through! I hope my stories help ease your worries.
J.

I don't know what this person has done, but children are very intuitive. I believe that children know when someone isn't quite right. Doesn't mean that just because you know him and trust him, that a child should have to do the same. My daughter was very intuitive when she was younger and rightfully so. She stayed clear of certain people and I didn't always know why, but I never made her have to have a conversation, sit next to or anything. She didn't like a certain person, there had to be a good reason. She didn't like someone that my mom worked with, wouldn't let him sit or stand near her. She just didn't care for him, other males at her work never bothered her, just him.
Your grandaughter has the right to her feelings even if she is two.

Let her instincts be. It is great she is able to read those feelings and react to them. I'm not saying your friend is a bad person, she just knows she is not comfortable.

Hello, I have seen this lately with our 11 month old grandaughter. Her father completely ignored her for the first 9 months of her life and now that my daughter left him, he wants visitation. He wants to be able to take her from here three times a week and for every other weekend overnight. I should mention that she had Downs Syndrome and heart problems. She is very bright, measuring two months ahead of her age in her social skills. She doesn't cry except with him and one other person. The other person is someone I do not like. She cries every time he tries to pick her up or even touch her. She will go to people she doesn't even really know. So I would listen to your grandaughter's fears. She is sensing something you don't see.
Good luck with your precious grandaughter.
K. K.

It could be a lot simpler than a vibe or anything about your family friend at all. My daughter was terrified of mall Santa Clauses for years. I still don't understand it, but I believe it probably has something to do with the huge red costume and the energy of the color red.

Honor her. The worst thing you can do is make your granddaughter wrong about this. We, as adults, don't need to understand the "why," and please tell your friend that the "why" is most likely not personal. It's just something different about him (like the color of his clothes) that we don't understand.

Too often adults take it personally when kids don't fawn over them, but all that gets accomplished from this is that kids feel bad for something they don't understand.

Hmmm, that is interesting. She might know something. Like animals I think children are intuitive and I don't want to make judgments, but she might be protecting herself from something or someone that might harm her.

Perhaps you or your husband have an uneasy feeling about this person. Children can pick up on a lot... even your reactions and body language. Have you ever talked badly about this person? Perhaps she picked up on a conversation you once had. Just some ideas that no one has put out there.

I honestly belive that children have a 6th sence in a way, we all are born with it but are not taught to maintain it. I'm not saying that your family friend is a bad guy but I do think that her response is normal and she should not be encouraged to go against her gut feeling or made to feel abnormal about it. I'd say let it be what it is and maybe it will fade away. Never make her feel like what she feels is wrong because that will affect her future in negative ways. Good luck!

F. A

Children like animals know instinctively when there is something wrong with an individual. She could very possibly be intimated by him, but she can also have a fear that he will harm her. People have an air about them, this being said, children and animals can sense that the individual is trouble. I know the comparison sounds offensive, but I have personally found this to be true. It could be a family member or a family friend, but when the air of intimidation or fear of harm children will run the other way. Trust her instincts, until she feels that he is not a threat to her. She is precious, and I have many grand children and two great grand children. I would trust their instincts, they have not become numb to social pressures or influences.

Good Luck

does he have facial hair? some kids are afraid of beards/mustaches.

I would guess this is normal. My niece was afraid of my husband the first two years of her life. If he was in the same room, she would cry. I also have a friend whose daughter would cry anytime I was in the same room, even as a baby. She out grew that at about two years old also. Some of the posts say someone might have hurt her but that's not necessarily true. It will get better.

This is not normal. I won't go into detail, but keep your child away from this person. Children have very good 6th senses or maybe he has done something to your child. Don't ignore your daughter. He may not have hurt her, but he may be dangerous.

Hey F.,
Kids are usually a far better judge of character than most adults. Please allow your grand-daughter to keep her distance if she continues this fear.
Also, children are also very aware if someone feels comfortable around children. If this family friend is nervous around her, she may be picking up on that.
Finally, if he has any unusual characteristics such as wearing a hat, sunglasses or a beard, a cane or walker, that may also be part of what is causing this fear.
Whatever you do, please allow her distance from this person until she is of the age she can communicate to you.