2 First Time Moms Need Advice on EVERYTHING!

Yikes. The biggest thing is you NEED a schedule. I can't even comprehend how the boys could adjust their wake up time to the parent's work schedules. It's not *your* work schedule, so I suggest you establish a regular sleep/wake schedule for the kids and stick to it. Plenty of sleep and a regular schedule is one of the most important things kids need. If they are chronically tired, they will be set up for all kinds of behavioral, learning, and future sleeping problems.

Ok, for removing something from my son that he should not have, I give him something he should/could have
I do time outs and as I take him to the time out step I tell him why
ie: Son, you get a time out b/c we do not throw toys
If they are growing up in the same house consistancy is best, so I would suggest you both take on the same ideas and methods
What do you punish them for?
Well really anything you do not approve of them doing. One thing we do is if he plays with a toy incorrectly (throws bangs whatever) we put the toy in "time out" and give him a toy he CAN do that action with
ie: banging toy cars together or on the floor, I remove those toys and put them in the "time out box" in his sight but not his reach; and then give him a toy drum or something bangable.
Tantrums I NEVER punish they are a natural reaction, however I do show him WHERE he can have one, in his room in the "safe" corner that has pillows and sensory toys that he can throw, push and pull against.
For the holding thing ... my suggestion is for mom and son to play together for a min, then mom leave, come back pick him up for a min, put him down (interested in something) leave and come back do not pick him up, leave come back put him in her lap over and over again reminding him that he can always ASK to be picked up or to sit in mommy's lap but the answer will not always be YES, but at first it should be yes more often then no... after a while he will get it.
We do not have a SET schedule some say it's bad but hey it's how we roll
we do simmilar things at simmilar times but nothing strict.

Specifically, what are thedinner time issues?

Also, you are two different families, what works for one may not work for the other.

Maybe if you asked one incident/question at a time it'd be easier for us to address! So many issues in your 1 post!

Kids need structure for example set a bed time and a get up time and a specific nap time. We start our bedtime routine with dinner, then a bath, then books (ice cream if we have been good all day), then brush our teeth, go potty and off to bed at 7 p.m. They kids are not allowed out of bed until 7:00 a.m. no matter what time they wake up unless they are sick or have wet the bed. We taught them at a early age how to read the clock for getting up. They very seldom make a peep before 7:00 a.m. even though they are awake, but at 7:00 a.m. the come running to our bed for cartoons before breakfast. We also eat lunch at 11:30 every day with books after lunch then nap time at 1:00 p.m.

As far as what to teach them, pick one thing and work with it for a while like abc's then once they have that move on to numbers, colors etc.

The most important thing though is structure. Kids do much better with structure in their life even if mom and dad work a different shift every day.

two resources: Parents as 1st Teachers (or whatever is available thru your school district for early childhood) will teach you "how" to teach your child. Call your school district administration & they will point you in the right direction!

2ndly: the video "1-2-3 Magic" for learning how to discipline your child!!! It is simply the best video I've ever watched! It saved my life! Been using it for 10+ years. Peace!

You might want to check some books out from the library and do some reading...like "The Happiest Toddler On The Block" and similar...because so much of their behavior sounds normal and typical for their ages. Also try www.askdrsears.com.

relax dont get so high strung deal with one issue at a time or you will be nuts. bed time should be around 10 my dinner times vary. by what is going on. be consitant with punishment like the others said. but you also have to remeber to pick your battles wisely. the broom issue is an normal kid. I let mine play with it. he takes the dishes out of my cabinets I consider that learning and leave it be. some moms wouldn't do this.

it is mostly trial and error what works for one kid doesnt work for another and at the same time one moms suggestions might work for your kids too. teaching at home is great but only if they are coopertive if they are not leave it till later or the next day. unless they are in school with a deadline make it a game. I used m&ms to teach colors. my experience is the whining is probably tired or hungry. probably tired its nap time when mine starts.

most moms will disagree with this but I threw the books away by the age of 7 with my oldest it just doesnt work it doesnt cover the questions you need to know and if the book aint working I am not wasting my time. jmo that statement will probaby start a fire storm. :) hang in there you will get the hang of this confusing parental game and when you do the kids will change the rules so you will have to also. :)

Start with one question at a time. Post a question a day on here (mamapedia) and you will get more answers, I bet.

The discipline you use should be geared toward each child. What works for one won't work for the other sometimes. Discipline simply means 'to teach' so you teach the boys right manners and to follow the rules in their own way.

The toughest thing with kids and rules and discipline is consistency. Follow thru with what you make your rules to be. Our golden rule in our family is "listen and obey." Often, I ask my two yr old "What did mom say?" He repeats it back to me correctly. "So you heard what I said. Next you need to obey." I give one warning that sounds like that. If he repeats the offense or doesn't obey after that, he gets his consequence. What consequence you want is up to you - spanking, time out, toy away, privelege away, etc.

Teaching them to share will come better with their age. Just model sharing for them, teach them that they need to share.

Teach them abcs, 123s etc is not necessary right now. Expose them to it. My son (2.5) loves his abcs and numbers. Some ways he sees them:
- reading books
- reading more books
- watching "Meet the Letters", "Meet the Numbers" movies from preschoolprepco.com
- watching Super Why on pbs
- watching Between the Lions on pbs
- pointing out letters and numbers we see at the store or on toys
- magnetic letters on the fridge
- coloring books with letters and numbers

I know I didn't answer all your questions. I hope this helps your start. Good luck. Stay on here and post more questions.

Wow...yes that's a lot of questions! ;) I would agree that you should both immediately sign up for Parents as Teachers. It is a free home visit service until the children are 3...and it's awesome!!

You'll get a TON of different advice on what books/methods are best for discipline, but I'm a believer in Love and Logic. It's basic, it's meaningful and it works. It's hard, and I have my moments when I lose my mind and yess or something, and it's not okay, but I have this method to use and I really like it. yes, there may be a slight difference in expectation for the two boys, but not much. Redirection should be a big tool. For instance if you don't want them to play with the broom, tell them no and find something for them to play with. It shouldn't necessarily be a consequence if they go and get the broom but it should be a reminder that we don't play with it and find something else. Don't compromise your rules but remember they're still little and learning. They learn through consistency, so just make sure you are all on the same page as to what is and isn't okay and enforce it...all the time...including dinner. :)

Not sure what your dinner issues are, but remember that kids that age don't eat a ton and maybe they won't eat a variety. Offer choices they will eat and offer healthy things. Some things will be rejected and that's fine. I don't fix two meals, but I will offer something already made to my daughter if she doesn't feel like eating what I've prepared...something like a yogurt, or applesauce or cheese stick. She can eat that and eat dinner. If she doesn't eat enough and she's hungry...oh well. I try and make sure there is at least something I know she'll eat at dinner so it's a compromise, but other than that, she has the choice to eat or not eat. Under 2 y/o will have a hard time with this concept though, so for your son you may want to go ahead and offer something hearty or make something different...but be aware that will probably cause conflict with the other child so you'll need to work it out before hand with his parents.

As far as what to teach them, just go with it...don't feel like you have to do anything "formal", just live life and make sure you point out the stuff that counts like shapes, colors, numbers, etc. Read as much as possible and get out of the house for adventures. There is plenty of free stuff around your town I'm sure. Start with the library and go from there. Each library does a story hour. Find some weekly events that you and the kids like and add that to the routine. Don't stress...learning needs to happen every day, but make it simple...have the boys help you sort laundry or cook or push buttons on elevators, etc.

For the most part you just have to do what you need to do and include them in your day. Do some stuff that is just for them and also you'll have to do some stuff that is just for you, whether it's pleasure or house work, you'll have to decide! ;)

1. discipline. I believe in being consistent. I don't believe in hitting. Although when our kids were small I would give their hands a small slap ( if they did something scary)to warn them of danger. Like staying away from streets stoves or etc.
They discipline I use is mostly timeout. 1 min for a 1 yr old, 2 min for a 2 yr old and so on. Now they are not going to say mom now this is an awesome ides I see the error of my ways you were so right to put me in time out. They are not going to like it. That is tough you are the parent. You are in charge not your child.
2. I believe in having polite children. Not over the top polite. Just normal polite. Please , thank you, no thank you and thank you for having me ..these words go a long way.
3. My middle child whines. I loathe whining. Again be consistent. If you react your child will react. Just keep telling him/her that this not unacceptable behavior.
4.Well if your so inclined to start teaching them their ABC's go for it. I am currently teaching my youngest to read and she is 4 yrs. My niece started reading at 3 yrs. Schools are very competive now and that will give them an edge over the other children.
5. Normally every night I read books to my kids.
6. I would say by age 2 yrs my kids all knew their colors. Its different with each child.

Here is my two cents on just random stuff.

Routine is key to a stable home for a child. They want the security that everything is all right - when it's chaos - they get out of control.

When you are doing time outs - we do Nose to the Wall - what you are doing is breaking there attention from whatever they are doing wrong. Children do not have a long attention span. They are tearing something up and you tell them "NO"...and they keep doing it...."NO....Nose to the wall or time-out corner" My son hates it...that's why we do it. Books say a minute for each year the child is.....I do whatever I feel like....my son is 4 ....I really don't want to stand there watching him for 4 minutes.

As for the teaching part.....I got some flash cards, the memory game and play matching with it. Read almost every night (I work nights) at bed time. Another thing though - talk to them normal - don't baby talk. There is no reason for that - a bottle is a bottle - not a bah-bah. Really? The child may say Bah-Bah - but you can say bottle that's what it's called - right? When you talk to them they learn so much by watching you. When you are in the kitchen and you are making something to eat and pick up a Banana - you say the word Banana. You pick up a ball - you say the word "ball" - "this ball is round and blue". "Can you say Ball?" See what happens. You are driving .... sing the ABC song to him or count to ten. Monkey see - monkey does. I was so scared that my son wasn't going to be "ready" for school - now it's here and he's amazing. You just need to talk to your child - he will learn from you. Their little brains are like sponges and absorb so much information. Right now is key to teach them the basics - even though he doesn't quite respond - he's listening. One day - he'll say something that will blow you away. I have great little conversations with my son and I'm just amazed on what comes out of his mouth. Good luck.

My advice is to watch The Dog Whisperer. Of course, your children aren't dogs and you can't SSSH them or yank their collar to change their behavior. But, there are several things from that show that I have found to be very helpful with my kids.

Firs off, recognize the tantrums as "protest behavior" - the kids are just protesting the rule. Sometimes protest behavior can be ignored and sometimes it must be addressed. Be sure to have some consequences in your mind in advance so that you set boundaries you can and will enforce.

Calm assertive is SO helpful in my house. Sure, I blow my top now and then... but we're only human. I'll let Cesar address this for you, but I find it VERY helpful.

One other Dog Whisperer thing I like is addressing the behavior early, before it escalates. For example, you see your kid walking near something you don't want them to touch. Instead of waiting to see if they touch it, remind them right away. I've found this VERY helpful in public.

Some people will tell you that you must get them on schedule. I know lots of parents that live and die by an exact bedtime, an exact lunchtime, etc. I do think it works very well for them. I do think kids like it. I don't have one, though, and I have great kids so I don't think it's the only recipe for being a good parent. What you lack in time structure, you can create with 'rituals' so that the kids understand what order things happen. So brush your teeth, read 2 books, rock and go to sleep. Or wash your hands, pray, and then sit respectfully and eat. We eat at a variety of times. I do make sure I have fruit or something to 'hold them over' if we're eating later. Lack of food or sleep is a sure-fire temper tantrum over something else...

I firmly believe that kids understand far more than they can communicate. So I talk to my kids as if they DO understand and only backtrack when they ask or get that quizzical look on their face.

Sharing: Two minute turtes has worked well for us. If a toy is disputed, set a timer and each kid gets to play with it for 2 minutes. If they can't do that, the toy is put in 'time out.' If only one kid is the 'problem' - he/she sits down in a time out type situation during the two minutes the other kid plays with it.

I won't answer everything because you have a lot of advice already. But about the holding and picking up. It's wrong to think that the holding or picking up should end before they are too big to physically do it anymore. But, it doesn't have to be time consuming like you may be thinking. When my grandson wants picked up, I pick him up, hug him, kiss him, walk around for a few seconds, tell him what I'm working on and then put him down. He knows he's a priority. There are also multiple adults in this house and it helps that we all can give attention quite often. He's only 14 months old and he wants to be held quite a bit. But it's better to pick them up for one minute 50 times per day and go about your work than it is to deny them completely or just let the house hold chores pile up.

Oh and about picking them up while pregnant. Until the last couple weeks when she really is in pain and miserable, the picking up isn't hurting her in any way. Moms need to stay very strong while pregnant. I run a daycare and had multiple babies and toddlers in my home through all my pregnancies. I picked them up, took them shopping with me and carried them around right up until the day my own were born and went back to the daycare the second we left the hospital.

My children are grown and I'm on to grandchildren but I would say schedules are very important and yet should also be flexible. Meals at close to the same times, naps at same times, bedtime same time, etc. If something happens that you can't do it then relax but it should be aimed for as children feel secure with knowing what is happening and get very used to it. They also need time alone to play as well as with each other. I think if fighting over a toy it's best to take the toy until they can stop fighting over it and give them each something else. If hitting or being mean to each other after whatever punishment you decide on, whether time out or spanking or whatever, then I made my kids tell the other they were sorry. My twin grandsons who are now 22 months old will pat the other one when they are sorry. Sometimes that is a few minutes in coming so they sit down until they feel sorry. That is part of learning to get along and just be patient with them during times of not getting along. Give them each a small job to do each day according to age and ability. They'll learn to be helpful and responsible and not lazy. Let them fold wash clothes, or wipe a table or something they can do.
As for teaching them I think at the younger ages you can do that in almost everything. Like 'let's put your socks on, one....two', 'Now we'll wash your hands, one....two', and for other things count more. They soon connect it. For letters I think you need to show them letters more than numbers but still the same idea. Read to them a lot. Read fun books, picture books, stories so they learn to listen and sit longer. Reading is so good too for that close time with you that they need and time to sit by you or hug them and maybe will cut down on some needing to be held so much but won't stop it all together as they need hugs and holding when they need it. Someday they'll be gone and you'll be glad you had the holding and hugs. As you play WITH them or watch them play you can get in the animals, like playing with the Noah's ark toys or other animal toys, get toys with shapes and take turns putting in the star or circle and call them by the name it should be and they'll learn shapes. Colors are a bit harder for some kids but still do the same thing like saying 'let's put the blue circle in' or 'the red star goes here'. They learn by repetition too. Just do them as you play and talk and look at things. Don't make it hard or something not fun at this point.
Dinner time is always a busy time for most families. They should eat what you fix if it's something you all eat, within reason, and if not hungry don't get all upset about it. Kids these ages are picky and eat sometimes and have spurts, etc. Just be sure they do eat something though and drink fluids during the day, etc. Don't give many snacks unless healthy ones during the day and they should eat. I think it's so important to eat as a family and all sit down together. The kids eat so much better and learn polite eating habits and how to ask for food, etc. Most of all enjoy the kids and love them.

I'll try to answer a few of your questions.

As to giving them the same punishment.. Yes, it would be an excellent idea if both of you mommies tried to stick with the same forms of punishment, and the corner is a great way to start. When you put him in the corner, remember to explain to him why he's there, "it's not nice to hit someone, when you do that it hurts". When it's time to come out of the corner, remind him "no more hitting". One of the most important things when it comes to disapline is consistancy.

As far as schedules, you need to set up something that works for your household. Each family is different. It doesn't matter if they go to bed at 7:00 or go to bed at 10:00, it just matters that they get enough sleep. Since there are 2 mommies in the household, one thing you may find helpful is if you alternate afternoons, so one mom gets some time to herself for 2 or 3 hours, well the other takes the boys to the park or some other activity.

As far as "teaching" them academics (abc's, numbers, etc). Let it come naturally and work it into your everyday life. When playing with trucks and cars, say "you play with the BLUE car, Johnny will play with the RED fire truck, and I will play with the YELLOW dump truck". When it's time to put toys away, count them as you put them in the toy box. At the playscape, teach concepts like climp UP the stairs, go THROUGH the tunnel, go OVER the bridge. And one of the most important things you can do as far as learning is to read, read, and read.

Don't worry... you'll get it!

Kids really do thrive on routine. I realize your roomies wrk odd/long shifts but hopefully the other "anchor/s" at home can stick to the schedule.
And there does need to be a (rough) schedule in place that allows for some flexibility!
As for discipline....make a poster of house rules. Post it in the kitchen. Review it with both boys twice per day and state what happens when a rule is broken. (Time out/no dessert/whatever your punishment might be).
As far as teaching--teach them everything! LOL Get books, flashcards, animal puzzles and go with their leads on what each is interested in learning. And read, read, read to them both--every single day.

I think kids like consistency of rules and routine. It helps them know what to expect and when. Kids this age and older often feel out of control. It might seem backwards but routines can help them feel more stable and in control. You can also give them age appropriate and parent guided choices.

Consistency of discipline is good. I know you have already read a lot of books but if you haven't read one on logical consequences it would be a good read. Love and Logic is one series. Make the discipline form fit the behavior. For example, if they spill water, they can help clean up. If they can not play nicely with others than they need to play by themselves. This is discipline that can apply to all ages. The standard of how it gets done would vary from age to age.

Tantrums will happen. Sometimes it is figuring out what causes them and trying to prevent them. Sleep and food figure into tantrums. Again, kids this age feel out of control if there are parent acceptable ways to make them feel in control it will go along way. For example, if car seats are an issue, ask them if they would like to buckle themselves in or if they would like you to buckle. If it taking away something that is inappropriate that they shouldn't have than that will just happen. Pick your battles though. Kids are very hands on. Maybe you can teach them how to touch something in an appropriate manner. Let them use the broom with you.

Sharing can take time depending upon the child. You will have to guide them in this when they are this young. When they get older, role playing appropriate behavior is good with dolls or stuffed animals. Make sure you model whatever behavior you want in your child.

In terms of what you teach them. Teach them what comes natural in life and give them lots of opportunities to experiment. Colors, numbers, shapes etc. point out their natural occurrence in your environment. As you are naturally doing something count it - let's count the steps or let's count the cars. Describe everything in shapes and colors. Wow look at the window that is a rectangle. The plate is a circle, etc. What a beautiful purple flower. They will be better able to relate things to the natural world this way.

Kids learn from watching what adults do. Involve them in everyday tasks. Get them involved in cooking, cleaning, etc. My son helped me cook at 12 months. Give them lots of opportunities to explore different textures and shapes while you are doing it. Of course they aren't going to be able to do what you would do. The point is to give them opportunities to learn through their environment.

If your friend's son is very clingy and wants to be held is she taking the time to spend quality time with him when she first gets home from work? Kids don't understand that daddy and mommy are tired. They just know they haven't been with them.

Dinner time - Keep meals simple but nutritous. If there is a way to involve them in cooking try to do it.

Good luck,

Discipline by definition means "to teach." If you discipline through spankings (or punishment), they will 'learn' to be violent. If you discipline through age-appropriate techniques (time out for one minute per year, 2yo = 2 min, 3yo = 3 min, etc.). A child that 'constantly wants to be held' is not getting the attention he needs and deserves. Teaching them to share is an ongoing thing. Take turns, let them know they need to share, empathy ("You don't want to _________ because you wouldn't like it done to you."), and manners are all ongoing from DAY ONE. It is not too late to start, but start now. (Watch a few episodes of SuperNanny!)

Teaching colors and shapes is as simple as describing everything! Start talking descriptively about everything you see every day. Here's some ideas:
"See the RED truck?"
"Please share your YELLOW ball."
"Pass the GREEN, ROUND peas, please."
"Your plate is a CIRCLE. Your toy is a SQUARE."
"Look at that cute BROWN PUPPY over there!"
"ZEBRAS are BLACK and WHITE STRIPED!"

A schedule is paramount. Begin immediately to have bedtime, wake time, breakfast, lunch, dinner, naptime as close to the same time every day as possible. This will be a TREMENDOUS help, as it creates stability and predictability for young children. This will calm them and help make them more agreeable to you. HTH!!

Oh yeah! Definitely check into Parents as Teachers! Also Early Head Start is an excellent resource for information!