2-Year Old Hitting & Kicking

I couldn't help but respond to this because my 2.5 year old has started sporadically hitting, kicking and throwing inappropriate things. We are happily married, both working parents and he gets TONS of love from both of us. Our son is a big boy too and I was frustrated that I thought there was no reason for our sweet son to be lashing out like this. His hitting seemed almost to come out of nowhere like he couldn't control some physical urge or impulse. SO I started doing a kind of martial art thought process on this and thinking, "just channel that urge differently". I've started telling my son when you feel like you want to hit or kick give me a really big hug instead! It will help you feel better and you can squeeze me as tightly as you want! A miracle- he is hugging both of us all the time now, (he still pushes other kids away at times, but his intensity seems to have subsided almost immediately now that he knows there is a supported and condoned response to his urge to hit).

Imagine your son is also having these urges, but on top of that he is feeling the tension between your husband and you and he needs more love than ever, not time outs, not punishment, not removal of food, not spanking (which is just reinforcing that hitting is normal)...I am no expert here but it freaked me out to see my sweet and gentle son hitting so I tried this, while gently talking to him and giving him more love than ever to support his frustrations and urges so we could work together on this..

I wish you love, support and above all faith that you will rise above this situation and be the parent who teaches by example and shows love and understanding when it is hardest of all to do just that.

-K.

Well M., since you have tried multiple ways to try and stop him, maybe you should look into a little family counseling. He might be responding to the divorce and acting out towards other people. Sometimes when you have a person not involved, they have a totally different perspective and can get to the root of the problem.

I know from experience, family counseling can help in so many different ways in our lives that we never thought could do it. Give some thought!!

Hope this helps a little.

Your son is most likely responding to the situation in your home. He may feel confused about the divorce. He knows that something is going on even if you have not talked to him about it. Children pick up on the tension between parents in the home. Often adults fight when they think children are asleep or are busy playing, but children have a way of overhearing anyway. If you are angry with your husband, but are trying to cover it up, he will sense it anyway. Our children know us and can read our emotional undercurrent. He may have overheard you talking (in person or on the phone)to relatives, friends, etc. about your marital situation. Have you shared your home situation with your son's teachers? This is important information for them in understanding how to help your son at school. Spanking is not productive. It actually teaches the opposite: that it's okay for the bigger person with more power to hit. Spanking just makes children angrier. I would suggest a two-fold plan. First, you need to formulate a plan together with your child's teachers. How are they currently handling the situation at school? Hopefully they are skilled teachers and are able to do more than just put him in time out. At my school we do not use time-out, though a child who is out of control may be removed from a situation to cool off. He needs to see that he has hurt someone and be dircted to another area to play if he continues. He needs to be taught how to us words to get what he wants. Is he verbal? He needs a chance to express his feelings in some way. Two is a difficult age for boys, as they are often not as developed in language ability as the girls, yet they are eager for interaction with other children. When children are not able to effectively use words with their peers they may hit in their frustration. Young children go to the primitive level in their frustration, hitting, kicking, biting, etc. You need to develop a plan with the teachers that includes helping your son to express his frustrations, as well as some consequences at home if he refuses to cooperate. The teachers need to communicate daily with you as to how his day was. You need to pick certain consequences and stick to them. Consistency is important. Take away something that he really likes and be consistent in doing it every time he is not cooperative at school. Improvement will not be instant. Children test us to see if we really mean it. Parents commonly make the mistake of thnking that something does not work because they have not given it enough time to work. The second part of your plan needs to be getting some professional help. You need to see a therapist who can give you some advice on how to handle your son's emotions as you go through this difficult time of divorce. Children are a barometer of the emotional state of their home. Your son will be angry about the divorce and this will not change overnight. Have you talked to him about the divorce? How are you feeling about living under the same roof with a person you want to divorce? This has to be difficult. You will be more effective in meeting your son's emotional needs if you are meeting your own emotional needs by getting help from a therapist. You need someone to talk to who has the professional expertise to help you. it's not enough to talk to family and friends. They are not objective enough. You do not need to feel bad that you are doing a terible thing to your son by divorcing. Sometimes it's for the best if counseling cannot fix the marriage. But you do owe your son the emotional assistance that he needs to cope with the changes taking place in his life right now. Also, be carful of what he is watching on television. Even many Disney movies and cartoons contain too much violence for a two year old. Also, many computer games contain violence. Too much screen time, both television and computer, contributes to violent behavior in young children. Try to make life at home as peaceful as possible for him. Spend time reading books together (a good time for a snuggle). Build legos tog.ether. Play with playdough together at the table. Spending quiet time with him is important. These are opportunities for him to share emotionally with you. When we are going through a difficult time in our lives it is easy to get so caught up in our own emtions that we forget our children's emotional needs.

M., my heart goes out to you as I was in a very similar situation. My son knew that things weren't right and was terrified that we would divorce. I told him that I couldn't promise that wouldn't happen, but I would promise that no matter what he would always have 2 parents who love him and would be there whenever he wanted. Since my husband wouldn't leave our home, I did. My son and I shared a bedroom in a 3 bedroom apartment with 3 college students--not an ideal situation, but once we were out of the house his behavior improved immediately. Right from the start he has spent almost as much time with his father as he does with me. He has since grown up to be a very caring and well adjusted young teen. His father and I struggled to repair our relationship enough to live up to our promise to remain jointly involved in our son's life. I really believe that was only possible once we no longer lived under the same roof. Now we both have new partners and our son has 4 adults who care about him and are involved in his life. Divorce is a big change and shakes up a child's sense of security in the world, but if he remains the central priority for both of you it can be an extremely positive change.
Good luck and best wishes to you all as you redefine your family.

Hi M.,

My sister experienced the same thing with her daughter when she and her husband were getting a divorce. Your child is expressing what is happening in the house hold and because he is so little he doesn't know how to express himself as an adult, so he acts out.
I prayed before I wrote this because I never ever want to give advice without putting love into it. So with that I hope and suggest that no conflict/fighting with your husband and you are done where your son can hear. And if and whenever possible save the conflict for private because he loves you both so much!! Love on your son and let him know in a manner that he can understand that you both love him and I'm sure you have already done that part of it. It is the other part that I think he is reacting on. When he acts out go and hug him and tell him you understand why he is doing what he is doing and you will do everything you can to make it better and ask him because I'm sure he can talk what can mommy do to make things better so your happy, and be prepared to hear what he has to say. When my sister and her husband got a long infront of their daughter she did so much better in school she was 3 1/2 when that happened and it's very hard for them to understand because they can't.
M., your a good mom for reaching out for advice I hope this helps. Make sure it's what you really want when you use the D-word and you gave your 200% to make this marriage work.

God Bless you & your family

P.

P.

I recommend going to a child psychologist to see if you can get help for your child before the behaviors get worse and he hurts someone. He is not too young. A divorce can be devastating for children and he may be acting out in response to this even if dad still lives there. Your relationship with the dad is obviously not going to be the same as a couple. Kids pick up on all kinds of things like this-they're smart. I also thing you might try a positive reward chart with stickers for having a good day at daycare and a reward he really wants. Keep it POSITIVE only. Make the first chart where he has to behave well for 3 days then he gets his reward. Don't make it too long a time, kids that age will lose interest. Good luck!

Hi M.,

I was going through the very same thing with my 2 year old. I had tried everything. We then began just simply saying time out at the first hint of aggression. We didn't discuss or explain. He knew it was wrong, and was continuing before, because it was worth it for the attention even if it was negative. When the time out is over we didn't talk about it. We also made sure the time out was somewhere where he wasn't getting any attention. Standing in a corner in the same room as us, wasn't enough of a consequence because we were right there. We did time out in his room when we were home and in the car if we were out somewhere. (I would stand right outside the car) It started working within in days. My son always tests us to see how it will work in each new situation, but we are consistent and it is working. When time out is over we just simply say time out's over no explanation or discussion, again because it was worth it to him to do it again if he received any attention. I change the subject after the time out and we enjoy our day. There is also a book and video on discipline called 1-2-3 magic which worked great for everything else. Aggression for us was an automatic time out. I really hope this will work for you.

Good Luck,

I have been there.

M. --

I have parented 3 children and am 4 years away from having them all out of the house. They are by all accounts great kids with no behavior problems.

I know how frustrating parenting can be and I have definitely made mistakes, especially with my oldest. So please don't take offense at what I am going to tell you.

I believe you are over-disciplining your son. That is the direct reason he is acting up at school. Stop the spankings and constant discipline and replace them with plenty of hugs and kisses and praise. It may take a little while but you will see a change.

In hindsight the main lesson I have learned about parenting is lighten up!! Believe that your children are good people and they will be.

p.s. - I just reread your post and see that you are filing for divorce. I am not questioning your reasons but I just have to tell you that after years of being extremely involved in the lives of many children, I can tell you that by far the number one reason for behavior problems is divorce. So when your husband moves out you can definitely expect to see your child's behavior worsen. Divorce scars and changes children forever.

Have you talked to your son about the divorce? My guess is, he's reacting to all the stress in your household, and your best bet is to talk to him about it-- assure him you will *always* love him, even if you and Daddy don't love each other anymore, tell him it's not his fault-- he's going through a very stressful time right now, and kids get lots of crazy ideas when their parents get divorced. I wouldn't bother with spanking-- hitting a child to show that hitting is wrong won't get you very far. Stick with good communication and time outs. And remember to praise whenever he *doesn't* hit a kid. Whether it's 'Hey, you made it a whole day without hitting!' or even, 'I saw that you were frustrated but didn't hit!' praise will take you further than you think.

I don't presume to know what happens inside your house, but if you are getting divorced it's likely your son has some emotions surrounding the situation that he is not old enough to know how to express. It's possible hitting is his way of dealing with these emotions. Bless you and your family as you go through this difficult transition.

I am sure you have done everything you can to protect your child from the agony going through divorce, but kids can feel the tension. The worst comes out in children during this time. Sometimes they even feel responsible. He might be showing his frustration with the situation and doesn't understand it.

Also, you might have him tested for attention deficit. Sometimes this can have something to do with their frustration.

And, sometimes kids just go through a phase of hitting, kicking, or running into people, things, or biting, or other sorts of things. My 4-year-old grandson recently went around licking everyone at a birthday party. My daughter made him stop. Stay firm with him, letting him know you love him and that he can't go to a place, eg. movies if he is not behaving.

My grandson by another daughter, was found to be attention deficit and when he is not on medication, he get's himself into trouble at school and my daughter puts him back on it. Hopefully, he will outgrow this.

I am sorry you are going through divorce. The Catholic Church has non-denominational seminars for those planning, going through or actually divorced that is great. It doesn't focus on what they have done to each other. It works wonders for the divorced to get along. You have children you mutually need to care for and it would help if you could get along. The program is called Retroville. I hope I spelled it right.

Hi M.. My son did exactly the same thing as your son at exactly the same age. First off I think it's a stage. Secondly for us my husband was gone for 6mos and I think that affected his behavior. Thirdly I think the daycare he was in was not experienced nor licensed (it was a gym daycare- for an hour at a time). My son ultimately got kicked out of that daycare which was a good thing. We went to a new daycare where the women were more experienced and older with more patience. Really consider that your son might be unhappy there. That was another reason I think for my son's behavior. A year later my son is doing so much better although he still has his days at the daycare-- nothing like what it was though! Good luck!

Hi M.,
My son also had the same issue. As much as we tried to do things to encourage non-hitting and kicking he continued. For us it turned out to be just that he was frustrated and it was his way of showing his frustration or anger at a situation. When he didn't get his way, or didn't get the toy he wanted to play with, or didn't get enough attention from us the parents. Be mindful of what is going on around him at the time and speak to that. Are you angry because you couldn't have the toy? When I asked those types of questions, the situation would become more calming for him. One of the things I did, was let him know that it was okay to be angry, but not to hit/kick and that he should go sit by himself removing him from the point of anger and read his favorite book. Although he never did that, it diffused the situation. My son still does it on occasion, but nothing like before. Keep the faith, this too shall pass.

well not much you can do to a 2 year old and the 7 month old is learning from your 2 year old....have you tried the simple thing of kicking him and ramming cars at him and letting him know how it feels. may not seem exatly the right thing to do but when my son started pulling hair i did it back to him and he never did it again. hitting is harder as it is taking more time to learn but i hit him back and let him know it is not ok and it hurts. he cries a little and he is only 14 months but have to teach earlier before it gets too bad to correct.

good luck.

J.

Hi M.,
Humm..Sounds mad huh? Well, what if you found him an activity where he can safely act out his anger? Maybe get him one of those clown punching bags and explain to him, "This is a place you can kick and punch all you want" Let him wail on the thing till he's worn out and just cant continue. urge him to keep doing it after he wants to stop. You might ask him at this point,if he is mad? ASk him why? maybe he cant put it into words , but at least Mom has made a start at getting him to express his feeling in words.Then talk about never hitting or kicking or biting real people.

I know he's young, but swiming lessons are a great thing. My kid was a swimmer by age three. It helps keep them safe, and they really enjoy it. It tires them out, they sleep well, and its something that is just for him. Give it a try.

And lastly..lets be sure that no one is hurting him and you dont know it. Is it possible that this is a learned behavior. Might want to ask him if anyone ie hitting him?
Best wishes and good luck.
V.

My guess is that this has to do with your divorce. Kids react in different ways but they sure feel something is weird. So try to do fun things with him, go to the park, bake something, sit down and play with him on the floor, go to the zoo, whatever you have time and energy for. And if possible, try to have your husband do the same, some father-son time. (My husband goes out running with my 3 year old after dinner around the block..., they both love it.) Good luck and hang in there!

Would it be possible for you to redirect him to hit or kick things that are okay to hit or kick? Large balls, pillows, etc. If that seems weird to you, could you work on finding some calming strategies?

There are also some deep pressure calming activities that are good. Rocking in a chair, swinging, find a small quiet place like making a little fort under a table, and many others.

My two year old gets wound up and starts throwing things. He is in speech therapy and the therapist has many sensory activities we do when he gets frustrated. I have a large plastic bin with about 2 lbs of rice in it. He gets down to his diaper, climbs in and burries his feet, leggs and small plastic toys. In no time he is calmed down. We also pull him around the room on a blanket or place a bean bag chair on top of him to provide pressure. These are just a few ideas, there are many more.

Sound like their reaction to the dispute in the home. Mixed messages from parents may be adding to the confusion. What ever you do stay strong and keep the upper hand. Have you ever watched the Super Nanny. She has a lot of good ways of raising children and keeping the respect for all. Check it out.

As another mom said, his behavior is probably a result of the situation....he knows things aren't right between you & his dad but just doesn't quite comprehend it all. So, I suggest re-directing him when he acts out. If he really hurts someone, then he should be shown that they are sad & hurt & that we don't hurt our frineds. Try to get him to apologize or, at our 3 yr old's school, they have the kids ask their friends if they're OK. Some kids have a hard time saying sorry & don't quite grasp it anyway so having them ask if their friend is OK is a way of acknowledging they're hurt & sad. Stop w/the puniative punishments of time outs or taking toys & other priveledges away....that's a concept that's probably a bit beyond his age. He probably doesn't quite put together the loss of a favored toy as the result of the acting out. Show him how to touch nicely & lavish him w/praise when you see him being nice & caring. Point out when others are nice & caring to him & how good that makes him feel. I also agree some counseling would be good for him. He probably sense you're sad & upset & may be unsure if he should tell you how he's feeling so it would be helpful to him to have an outsider....someone who is an objective listener & can give him the tools to express himself. Hope this helps & good luck thru this trying period.

You need to sit down and ask him why he is behaving like that. We all discipline our children, but when it gets to the point you are at what will work is communication. The divorce is hard on him, since your husband is still in the house make sure you treat each other with respect. Your son picks up on this. Never speak poorly about your spouse in front of your child, it is his daddy and he loves him and vice versa. Talk to your child and reassure him you both love him. Keep things as normal as possible.

mine is doing it too!

Most of the kids she tries it on are older and tell her to knock it off. She backs off when the older kids tell her to be gentle.

But.

There is a little girl 4 days younger than her and they are serious frenemies. I don't know if it's because they are both still learning how to 'Use their words' or what, but if one shoves the other, the shovee will throw a block at the shover and it escalates until they are wrastling. My daughter routinely shows me her booboos and bruises where "heidi kick me her foot." and "heidi hit me my eye block." And when I ask about it, it turns out my kid often starts the problem "I want block too" or "I kicked her my shoe". The incident reports we get sent home when there is an injury clarify how Beanie did get hit or punched, but never the other kid involved. I have the sneaking suspicion it is always involving Heidi, who is about the same exact size and temperament.

The funniest thing about all of this not so funny stuff is that if you ask either girl who her best friend is, they say it's the other one, and they hold hands, until one squeezes too hard and boom it starts up again.

Not sure how that helps, but I'm thinking the key is the use of language to express pain or boundaries. Oh, and we have decided to just talk to her after these things happen. Mainly about gentleness and how to treat friends, and nothing too complicated about "feelings" because I'm not sure she can express them yet, and not punish her. Since they get "missing out time" at school already and that's like two consequences, one much too late and as such, totally ineffective in my opinion.