2 1/2 Year Old Hitting 10 Month Old

The very first thing to do is address the dangerous behavior (hitting, biting, anything that causes physical pain), and do so immediately.

I'm a huge advocate of time-outs. However, you'll need to "up the ante" when it comes to the hitting. Consider a time-out in a solitary area (where he cannot see you or hear you -- such as a playpen in another room or in his crib). Make it clear to him that there are no warnings and no second-chances for hitting. As soon as you see the hit, you immediately, calmly, remove him and put him in his solitary timeout. If he throws a fit, you let him calm himself down and then go get him. He will very quickly learn your NO TOLERANCE rule for physical violence. Get this taken care of before your youngest learns it herself.

As for the other behaviors...well, just wait for a few more months until your youngest starts fighting back! :) I wish I knew an easy way to get young ones to be kind to each other all the time. Positive reinforcement, modeling kind behavior, etc. is all I know, and you are already doing this. Once he turns 3, you'll be able to leverage privileges (take away an outing, give extra books at bedtime, etc.) to help influence his behavior, in addition to time-outs.

You can't change everything at once. Hence, I would put 100% of your efforts into the big problem, and tackle these minor ones once you have things under control. Good luck!!

Ok Mama, I know many will disagree with me, but I'm going to tell it to you straight: Your toddler need to be spanked for this behavior! Not with anger or malice, but with a calm sense of authority. I can hear my critics now, "but how will he learn NOT to hit if his punishment is being hit?" This view has a skewed view of authority. If a person was taken to a building against their will and not let go for months, we would call that kidnapping. Unless the people doing it were the police- then we'd call it justice! When you, as your child's authority, set down the rules and dole out consequences, that is justice. You are not your child's peer- they don't need you to be that! Your little girl needs for you to come to her defense- not only when the offense happens, but in disciplining and training her big brother that this behavior is unacceptable. You won't always be around to see what happens, so training needs to occur before the event. I have raised three kids, and time outs were the appropriate consequence for two of them. But for the third, spankings were the only "commodity" that had any value to him, so that was the consequence that we used. Now let me add that if you are angry when spanking, that is not healthy. If you need to, give yourself a break, and call it a "mommy time-out". Don't ever discipline in anger. There is a great little booklet available on Amazon called, "To train up a child" by Pearl that I highly recommend. It's gonna be ok mama- loving, firm authority will help you all through this hard time, and you and your little ones will be closer and happier for it.

Hi R.. I have a 3 yr old and 20 month old and since the day I brought the baby home from the hospital it seems like I cannot go to the bathroom without hearing some sort of screaming!!!

I must say, lately it has gotten better and I've realized I'm not the only one.... I've noticed with my friends or in kids classes that if the older child is a boy, they seem to be so physical with the baby. My friends who have an older girl don't seem to have many problems.

Looking back on it, I think I have been really hard on my older boy. Any time I hear the baby crying, my blood starts to boil and I automatically blame my oldest. Lately I have been standing back and not running right away when I hear crying and try to peek in to see what is actually happening. I noticed that the baby is fighting back and a lot of times messes with the older one... messing up his puzzle, his toys or taking stuff away and then my older one gets upset. Also, I've noticed that for some reason it has taken a long time for my older one to figure out what gentle means. Even his hugs are squeezing the baby's head! My new outlook is as long as the baby is not crying, don't get in the middle of it all the time and really reinforce good behavior and try not to let it all get to you! Good Luck.

I feel your frustration. I am going through this too. I have 2 girls 10 months and 28 months. The older one was hitting and taking things and we put her in a time out until she apologized and gave her sister a kiss. This was a HUGE struggle, she was very stubborn and it was hard for us, but after putting her in the time out multiple times and not giving in, we finally put her in her crib for 15 minutes. When she settled down she was able to come back downstairs. Since that long night, she hasn't been hitting, well she did once but right away said sorry and gave her sister a kiss. So, I think she got it (thankfully). I think it is a sibling thing and the struggles will keep coming as they get older :) Hang in there- you are a great MOM :)

My only advice is to make sure your time outs are effective. If he hits, walk directly to him, calmly take him by the hand (or carry him) and take him to time out - isolate him from the situation. Calmly say -we do not hit. To do this calmly is the key - which is NOT easy. But it lets him know that you are in control. You also FEEL very in control when you do it this way. Do not get emotional and angry, this only escalates the situation and gives him negative attention which for some kids is not really a problem. To get angry and emotional also tells him that he is in control - he can push your buttons. "Love and Logic" is a great book for parenting tips. Good luck!

Hi R., I am a work from home mom of 5 and I had to go through this with my last 2, I too tried just about everything to stop this and was at my wits end, but my mother told me to stop letting my 2 yr old be the boss, and let him know how it feels, I know it sounds mean, but she was right, He just didn't realize that what he was doing hurt?! I only had to show him 2 times and he did stop! Take care, L.

If time outs don't work and you think he's doing it to get attention then you could try the ignore technique (I'm a fan of the ignore technique!)

Next time he hurts her, run in the room, scoop her up and lavish lots of attention on her. Completely ignore your son, don't give him a positive or negative word. Take her into another room, play with her etc.

You'll know if he's wanting attention because if you do this he may come up to you and say "Mama! Guess what I did! I hurt baby sister!"

He'll learn quickly that hitting his sister only results in her getting lots of attention and him getting none. That's probably not the result he wants and so he'll stop. Hopefully! You may have to give it a few times before he "gets it." He knows hitting is wrong so you have to get into the reason why he's doing it in the first place.

I have a few ideas for you. First, try to help your little boy express verbally some of what he might be feeling. If the baby is crying, you could say, "gee, babies cry loudly don't they, sometimes that sound hurts my ears", or even "eww, babies are stinky sometimes aren't they?" Imagine how the baby looks to him, taking lots of your attention and giving (in his mind) very little in return.

After you empathize with what he might be feeling now, help him to see the good side of babies, "ooooh, look at how much your little sister loves to look at you, when she gets bigger you'll be able to teach her how to play and that's going to be so much fun." Finally, make sure that when your attention is on her, changing or feeding, you are also maintaining your connection with him. You could sing a song with him, or talk to him about what he is doing even if your hands are busy with the baby. He is still very little, and needs your attention even when the baby is awake.

Try not to see his aggression as a problem to be fixed, and please don't hit him. He's trying to figure out how to share his parents with a whole new person, and doesn't have a lot of tools for expressing himself. This is a physically demanding time for you, caring for little ones, working, all of this while sleep deprived. But you can help him to express himself appropriately, if you model for him how to express feelings appropriately. When you treat him with respect and kindness, and express confidence that he can do better and that you will help him to do better, he will learn.

I'm going through this right now with my 3 1/2 year old girl and 2 year old boy. Sometimes she is intentionally mean and sometimes not. Sometimes they are still trying to figure out where their body goes, so they don't think "if I sit this close to (the younger one) I will actually sit ON him/her." And since my youngest is 2 sometimes he provokes the behavior.
I'm not sure if your oldest is too young for this, but recently I got a bright colored poster board and wrote out some house rules (we have 6) ie: no hitting, no pushing, etc... Since my daughter and son are still too young to read I pasted pictures of each action next to the words I wrote out. I showed them it and told each of them what the rules were and tacked the poster board up where they see it all the time. Then when they break one of the rules I take them over and point to which rule they broke and read it to them and show them the picture next to it. Then they sit in time out for breaking the rule. Then after time out they have to say they are sorry. (my youngest just says I'm sorry, but the oldest has to say I'm sorry for...) If they hurt someone they give that person a hug, and then the give mommy or daddy (whoever put them in time out) hugs and we go on about our day. Yes, we still have problems and are doing a little fine tuning, but I think it is helping.
The last thing is maybe his time outs should be just a little longer. I don't know how long you put him in time out for, but the 1 minute for 1 year rule doesn't always work. My kids are generally in time out until they are calmer. Sometimes it takes closer to 5 minutes before they are ready, and they have to be able to say I'm sorry and give hugs, etc.

I was in your EXACT same position about 2 years ago. The day my 22 month old son met his new baby brother, he threw the toy trains that his brother "gave" him at the baby and magically managed to hit him in the head with both of them. He continued hitting, sitting on, taking away his toys, etc. pretty much until recently. My son is now just over 4 and his brother is just over 2. This was the magic point for us where my 2 year old started really talking a lot and they are getting along better. I think they get along better partially because my 4 year old has learned that hitting is wrong and has a lot more self-control, and partially because my 2 year old is much more fun to play with now, so my brother has other ways to have fun with him besides making him scream. For the last 2 years, I tried everything mentioned below, but perhaps not consistently enough. It sounds to me like you are doing the right things already, and I agree with everything mentioned by other parents. I especially agree with not giving the big brother attention. I've noticed that as soon as I react really strongly to something he does, he is sure to repeat it to get the attention. I also noticed that when I spend a LOT of time praising him for positive behaviors, he behaved much better (this actually may have been what helped him get out of the hitting phase because I started it around 3.5 years). So lots of positive reinforcement, and no attention to him (plenty to his sister) when he does something wrong is my best suggestion of what "works". Also, I think it is important to realize that this behavior is not "evil" or "abnormal" and that he will grow out of it eventually (more quickly with your help). If the child gets the impression that you think he is a "bad" kid, he will internalize this impression of himself and continue to be bad. However, if you keep condoning the behavior but not telling him he is bad, he is less likely to view himself as bad and it will be easier for him to stop doing this once his self-control improves. Good luck! It will get better, but you have to be consistent and patient. Feel free to send me a message if you have other questions or need support.