2 1/2 Year Old Behavior Problems

The term "terrible twos" is an oversimplified way of saying they have begun to flex their muscles. She want's what she wants when she wants it. She wants to be in charge of herself. She wants to decide when she potties. She wants to decide if her diapers being changed. She wants to decide if she plays with daddy. She wants to be the boss of her younger sibling. And if she can swing it, she wants to be the boss of you. It's all about control. Some things to do:

1. Make a list of easy to follow rules with matching pictures. They should be stated in a postive way, because toddlers understand positive instructions better. For instance, have the words "Use gentle touches" with a picture of her hugging her younger sibling beside it.

2. Begin to make effective use of time outs. One minute per year of age in a place you designate. Not in her room or by herself. Be consistent. Give one reminder or warning and redirect her to something you want her to do instead. If that doesn't work, put her in time out and tell her why, "You hit your sister and we use gentle hands". When she is out of time out, redirect her again to something you want her to do.

3. Use positive directions as often as possible. Instead of saying, "Don't run", say "Walk."

4. Give her choices where you can. Hold up two shirts and let her pick the one she wants to wear. Let her pick the plate she eats off of, the cups she drinks out of, the toy she would like to play with. Don't go crazy. This is new for her. Keep it to a few things she gets to choose routinely, not everything and never more than a choice of two things.

5. Assert authority where things are non-negotiable. Regardless of what she wants, sometimes you still know best. Diaper rash is non-negotiable. She gets changed when you change her. She goes to bed when you tell her.

6. Have dad doing special things with her that you know she can't resist. If she loves to play with playdough, have him get the playdough out for 20 minutes. Let him make a bedtime snack you know she loves. Have him help with the bedtime routine. Don't swoop in when she says "no" and that she wants YOU to read a story. Be "busy". It's him or nothing.

7. Catch her being good as often as possible for a while. Even in small things. Praise her lavishly. You can even keep stickers nearby. Even if she's covered in them at the end of the day, it's better than no recognition and she will start seeking out positive attention.

I know this is long, but I hope it's helpful

L.

Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson. You'll have a sweet, happy, non tantrummer by age 3.

I recommend discipline (all kids need it, and you don't mention it here) before the doctor. You sound scared to direct her for fear of her reaction to things, so she's running the show, and that makes kids unhappy and insecure on top of their new and natural "wrong" behaviors.

I am not familiar with behaviorial specialists, but I do question the level of her anger & hostility. I REALLY question the diaper-potty-rash anger. At the risk of overanalyzing that particular problem, I am thinking she may have been 'touched' inappropriately lately & is acting out in the only way she knows how.

The anger directed @ her new sibling sounds like too much as well, choke holds = red flags to me.

I would call my Ped Doc & see if he/she has reccommendations for you.

I hope all works out & soon for her as well as all of your family.

L. C said it so great. I agree with all of that.

Kids want to be in charge - even at 2 1/2. I agree with Amy J in terms of clear discipline and consequences. (If you want, read Kid CEO).

I also picked up there is a lot of "new" right now (coupled with her desire for more independence - my pedi said - 2yo is nothing - it is 3 you have to watch out for!). Maybe back off the potty training, the new bed and the school talk.

Good luck, changing family dynamics are hard even for big kids. Just be sure to remember she is still a little person and needs her mommy & daddy:)

A lot of big changes will make her act out. New baby...dads hours...Trying saying how she feels like "you are MAD huh? It's ok to be mad, everyone gets mad" or "you want daddy here don't you? I do too!" it worked for my six year old...

We hit behavior like that when my eldest was 3 and his baby brother was 6 months. I was not consistent with my discipline, as I found it was taking me so long to enforce timeouts etc I was ignoring the baby, but I am sure consistent discipline would have helped. We got huge resistance to potty training too. It wasn't that he didn't want to use the potty...he just didn't want me to tell him to do it. My kids go to daycare full time and he was fine using the potty there. It was just a control issue with me. I just backed off completely. Every now and then I'd talk to him about what it would be like "when he wanted to wear underpants" and one day he replied "I want to wear underpants."
3 was a very tough year for us. Our best times were when we were doing something physical, playgrounds, walks, running games. But about a month after he turned 4, things started to get better. Less power struggles, more interested in nurturing a relationship with his younger brother.
So hang in there. These are tough ages. And things will change, eventually.

All 3 of my children started screaming and thrashing around when I would change their diaper around 2 to 2 1/2. I believe its a control issue. My 5 year old son did the same kind of things to his baby brother when they were smaller also. Now they are 3 and 5 and are best friends that enjoy beating each other up. (I get frusterated) I don't know what else to tell you except that it will get better. Also how I potty trained my youngest was to take away his diaper. He figured it out after he realized he HATED to have wet clothes.