A.,
First, I want to tell you how sorry I am for your recent loss of your son. I believe these things happen for a reason. It is extremely difficult to really believe that when you are mourning and wondering why it happened to your son and to your family. It is simply devastating. I hope you are comforted knowing that you will meet with him again and you will have it all explained to you and it will all make sense. Be grateful that you experienced him for the entire 50 minutes. Try to turn that negative to a positive. But for now, I am sure it is one day at a time. Again, I am sorry for your family's loss.
Onto your child going through the tantrum PHASE. It is most important that you all realize that EVERYTHING, good and bad, that your child goes though, is merely a phase. Only one guarantee, the phases will come and they WILL go. Sometimes it is hard to believe that they WILL go, but they really will!! As soon as you get used to it, "POOF"- it has passed...and onto another shocking issue to deal with. Do not let yourself (and your husband and family/friends)devote too much emotion and frustration into these 'phases'. Stay focused on the important things, THE BIG PICTURE of what is going on in your lives.
When a child pulls the temper tantrum card, they are looking for reaction. Any reaction. Attention, good or bad. So if you do not give any reaction, the behavior will come to an end. I am sure your little one will get banged up in the process. You'd think that would be enough to stop the silly tantrums... hahahha. Nope, unfortunately not so. If they get really seriously hurt, then comfort them for only a short amount of time and talk about why it is ridiculous. Otherwise, initially, you can BRIEFLY and NONCHALANTLY say something like, "I don't like to get hurt like that, why do you do that to yourself?" and act confused for a very short amount of time. Let them know that they should be embarrassed. If he has a cousin or someone he adores (my 6 year old has always adored her older cousin who is now 15, but when they were younger, I told her that her cousin would think that she was a LITTLE BABY or that she wouldn't do that...something to make my daughter not want to be looked at in a negative manner to the older idol type).
Another thing to do is have him go straight to his room and tell him that he is not allowed to hurt YOUR BABY (as if it is another hurting him, how you might treat them). Tell him that one minute AFTER he is done crying, you will come to get him. Then that is when I take the opportunity to discuss why they were in time out (in a way your child understands), and THEN, you can reconnect again with him with hugs and kisses and lots of love.
When the tantrums continue, and they probably will, and perhaps you might be reading a book, simply glance over for only a moment, WITHOUT any change of your facial expression, then go back to what you were doing before hand. NO WORDS, NOTHING. You can walk away and continue doing whatever you were doing before. This will show him that he is not getting the attention that he is looking for, and his acts of desperation WILL NOT become the focus of your attention. You can tell him, you only give "good behavior attention", and "let's do something that GOOD little boys do- so you can have all of mommy's love and attention". Then begin ABCs or anything that easy to begin. The key here is to REDIRECT.
Redirecting is the most important and effective way in teaching right from wrong and to change unwanted behavior. Always remember that word...REDIRECTING. It is the most popular and acceptable method used in daycares, schools and other social settings involving children and behavior.
You will need to give him the amount of attention (within reason, of course) he is looking for, but at DESERVING TIMES. Positive reinforcement for picking up his toys when told. Or eating all of his veggies, or performing a summmer-sault, or singing ABCs, etc.....anything that you want to participate in and teach him.
Give him MORE of what he wants, ONLY when he is doing things worthy of the attention that he is seeking.
So UP the attention amounts, and IGNORE or downplay the things that you want to GO AWAY.
You only have about 17 more years to CONTINUE going through this...each time a little different than the time before...but still, all of them, pretty darn similar. It really can be amusing if you step back and look at each situation for what is really going on pshchologically. (I am constantly amused watching my 6 year old try to pull one over on me. She really is a smart one!)
OH, THE GAMES WE PLAY TO HELP SHAPE OUR LITTLE INDIVIDUAL. THEY ARE DESPERATELY LOOKING FOR GUIDANCE AND DIRECTION TO FORM THEIR LITTLE SELVES AND THEIR MINDS, THEIR OPINIONS AND ATTITUDE, HOW THEY TREAT OTHERS AND HOW THEY CARRY THEMSELVES. EVERYTHING ABOUT WHO THEY ARE AND WHO THEY ARE BECOMING. YOU AND OTHERS SURROUNDING HIM IS WHAT HE IS PAYING ATTENTION TO. :) DON'T FORGET TO CLOSELY MONITOR THE TELEVISION, RADIO, MOVIES AND OTHER MEDIA THAT THEY ARE ABSORBING LIKE A SPONGE.
Good luck with this little phase. I hope you will take comfort in knowing that LIFE- is a series of phases. It is VERY important HOW you react, and the steps in resolving the issue at hand. Each phase that has past determines the magnitude and direction of the next phase. That sounds SO pressuring....but I guess that is why it is said that 'parenting is the most important job there is!' A mother experiences the feeling of guilt no matter what. We, as mothers (or fathers), can only do the best we know how at the time. That is all that one can do.
So I conclude, that not only is the child learning and developing into the far-too-quickly, growing little being that we have brought into this world, but the parent is growing, learning and becoming wise as well, and maybe learning as much! :)
I am always available to give you support and/or input on anything that you might need advice or confirmation on. Hold onto my info if you would like. Most kids go though very similar phases at the same ages...so others can always relate! You are never alone!
Good luck to you, your husband and your "little head banger!" (hahaha) May the boo-boos be insignificant and last only a short amount of time.....(until the next phase comes along....ahhhh! To think that it could be much worse!!!) Don't worry.....you are all prepared now, and you are never alone in it!
Sincerely,
A. :)