19 Year Old Freeloading Stepson

is this a situation where his dad feels guilty about something? (maybe because he split from mom or wasnt always living with him) He probably feels he is trying to "make up for" something. Be supportive of your husbands feelings, if he was a good father to this child tell him so. STOP complaining about how it affects your life and the lives of the children who live with mom and dad. Talk only about what is best for the 19 yr old. Ask your husband How can we help him move forward with his life?" Encourage him to talk to a counselor about this situation then the counselor can suggest he is not helping his son by giving him everything and you can sit back and be the supportive wife. I dont mean you are the "bad guy," I'm just saying to go about this in a different way so hubby feels clear that you are on his side and that you want what's best for your stepson.

Please ignore what Live Bold has said. This is the kind of attitude that CRIPPLES young adults by making them feel entitled to treat their parents any way they want with NO fear of consequence. Even if there is love for a grandbaby, allowing this kind of irresponsible behavior from this 19 year old will just make him a terrible father to this baby, a terrible husband to any woman, and a terrible son to his parents.

Get your husband to a family counselor. Maybe someone else could reason with him to give his son some much needed tough love.

Dawn

If you don't start to lay the law down now, then when will you? When he's 21, 25, 30???

Encouraging him to get a job and education is the BEST thing to do if your husband really wants your son to have a happy and successful life. He should also be a contributing member of the family.

Dr. Phil has some excellent advice on 'moochers' and helping them get on their own two feet.

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/285

http://www.drphil.com/shows/show/1657

Let me see if I understand this, you have a 19 step son who is not employed, not in school and just plays video games AND has a 6 month old son? Is that correct?

If it is, well tough love is needed. He is using the baby as a weapon. In no uncertain terms should there be chores and responsibilities for this young man. Your husband is not doing him any favors in not holding him accountable. You have two different set of rules for the kids. HIs and yours. That would not fly for me. If the 19 year old wants to be a bum, be a bum somewhere else.

I would suggest a very frank conversation with the hubby. However, other than leaving I don't know what can be done if your husband isn't willing to do his part.

"Make him feel welcome"... meaning he doesn't live with you?

I'm confused... but in no small part, because your husband sounds like my side of the family.

The parents of grown children in my family (mine, aunts, uncles, grandparents) have an open door policy. Come whenever you have a chance, stay for as long as you like, and eat something!

When someone has a baby, the stay at home parent often half LIVES with their parents... heading over to their house while their partner is at work for companionship, sleep, food.

When someone lives distant, they often come stay for 6+ weeks at a time (with their kids if they have them). Or a long weekend.

That's just how my family operates. Money flows downward, doors are always open.

I have a very large, very tight knit family (flung all over the country and globe). People often say "cut them off" & "make them do x, y, z"... or a whole series of bad things will happen... but that hasn't been true in OUR family. We've got doctors, scientists, nurses, diplomats, businessmen, military folk, 2 exnasa engineers, 2 computer engineers, artists, & stay at home parents. EVERYONE in my family... with the open door and money flows downhill model is really really successful. Dream pursuing successful. Some of us knew off the bat "what we wanted to be" and dove into school and careers... others of us were slower to start. Some make millions, some live of govt. paychecks (military paychecks, mostly). Some of us screwed up for a couple years figuring out all the ways NOT to live life.

But in my family... we're always welcome. And there's always another place at the table.

This is something that you and your husband need to work through. You need to get on the same side so that you and he back each other up to do what's best for this 19 year old and his son.

If you and your husband don't get on the same page.... then you have some decisions to make regarding your (own?) children and if you want the three of you continue as a part of that family and continue living there in that environment that you feel sets a bad example.

I don't know how long you have been married to your husband or what your role has been to the step son.... I'm guessing not long and not large. Therefore, it sounds like from your post that this needs to be managed by your husband, unfortunately. And yes, if your husband has never been an actual 'parent' to his son and his main concern is making his son feel "welcome" instead of ensuring that his son is a productive member of society and a good father..... well, then yes, the situation will continue to get more stressful for you if you continue to want it to change.

Opposite parenting styles in my opinion is one of the most frustrating sources of stress that can wreck a marriage. Add in step-roles and it gets even more complex.

However, you can't "tell" your husband how to parent his kid.... any more than he can "tell" you how to parent yours. hence the ickiness.

I wish you luck.

If he is 19 with a son...who must not live with him full time...you have a lot more on your hands then just food and chores. he's probably stress, maybe a little depressed. You definately don't want to push him away by laying down the law.

I believe very strongly that you can not possibly understand the love @ concern for the baby in this situation. I would crawl on broken glass to protect my grand baby. You are obviously concerned more for your interests @ that of your own children than your husbands desire to be part of the grand childs life. Pray hard that the boy grows up soon. He is really a child with a child. It is a tough situation.

So, your husband's idea of "making him feel welcome" is to invite him to walk all over you and disrespect you? Does making him feel welcome mean that you DON'T get to feel welcome? That makes no sense to me. You can make him feel welcome by INCLUDING him in the family's every day life...which means he does all the things the rest of the family does...chores, contributing, taking responsibility for himself. Make him feel a part of the family. Everyone has to have a role...and his can't be that of the mooch that everyone puts up with but nobody respects. He probably already knows he's not wanted in that way, so find a new role for him to play in the family...one that you can all embrace.

I very much agree with Sandy L.'s answer. Wise advice.

Really, I think if your "allows his 19 year old son to come and go in our home as he pleases, he brings friends over and eats what he wants without contributing in any way to the physical or financial state of our household" there's nothing you can do....your husband HAS to get on board with some rules and guidelines.
It's easy to say if your SS doesn't like it--he can find another place to live--but until his DAD says it....I don't know.
Have you really sat & talked to your husband about this?

I'm a stepmother to a 22 yr old and sometimes I feel like he's here as a transient and not a member of the household. I'm trying to get DH to make a contract with SS for next year because this hotel stuff is not fun. We, too,have other kids - a teenager and a 3 yr old.

I think you need to sit down with your DH and talk about the whole household, not just SS. Fathers can get really protective if you are perceived as attacking their baybeees...sigh. I would point out to DH that SS contributes to x energy use, x grocery bill and then returns 0 to his room and board. You aren't asking him for the moon, just to be a man. Why does DH not feel it's important/expected/responsible for SS to have a job and contribute? If SS is a FATHER then he needs to work to support the child, nevermind himself. How does he provide for his baby?

When you do nothing out of fear of something, you never know if that fear will be true.

My oldest nephew cut off DH for a while, but then came around later. He had to grow up a bit. He, too, has a young child and at least in his case he realized he had to man up for his baby. But to spend his time sitting around playing games and doing nothing? What does he think adulthood IS?

When my SS was 17, DH made him get a job and SS lamented, "You're ruining my childhood!" DH said, "Son, you're 17. Your childhood is over. If you want to drive that car, you need to feed it and insure it. Get a job."

The flip side, is what will you do if DH doesn't budge? Will you confront SS or what...?

After reading your profile ;~)) I can only say, some one taught your step son to be lazy and irresponsible. I have an uncle (great great uncle) that is still living at home mooching off his parents. He is in his 70's. He finally went to work in the familiy's radiator shop when he was forced to because the dad couldn't do all the work any more.

If the dad doesn't do something now he never will and that is really sad. But that is up to the dad. You don't seem to have much say in the matter.

I hope the dad is willing to become the man of the house and is willing to make his son grow up and get job and be responsible. But this process should have started when the son was 3 or 4, not 19.

Good luck to you and yours.