19 Month Old Scared of Other Children

I just want to say I'll bet it is not upsetting the other moms, so please don't fret about that :)
You have loads of advice, so I won't offer anymore. Good luck!

Hi L.,
I have the exact same issue with my son, who is now 2 yrs 9 mos old. My son too is what I'd consider a "sweet" child as he seems to carrie his feelings on his sholder and doesn't lash out at other people/kids. He used to not have this fear of kids until he was about 27-28 mos old (last summer). And, although I'm a SAHM, he does go to "school" 2 days a week for half days and has done so since he was 6 mos old.

I noticed last summer that anytime we went to the playground and other kids were there, he would want to leave, or wouldn't play (if they were already there). I also noticed when I'd pick him up from school, if they were on the playground, he'd be hanging out with the teachers while the other children were playing. Like your son, he gets along much better with adults.

It has concerned me a great deal, but everyone assures me that it's okay and that he'll come around eventually. And I have read in places that some kids are intimidated by their peers.

More recently, he seems to be doing a little better in school now and I have him enrolled in a gynastics class for toddlers and that seems to be helping him (more than just school alone) to come out of his shell a little with other kids. But, I will tell you this, he has to have his blanket in the classroom/gym with him (not necessarily holding it) where he can see it, or he tends to breakdown. As long as his blanket is there, he seems to be okay.

We haven't been in a playground situation in several months as I live in a snowy area, but I'm hoping he'll be better in the spring. If I find something that seems to work, I'll try to remember to forward onto you as I now it's a helpless feeling and that you feel bad for you son (that he's lonely and has no friends). But I think it probably bothers us as their parents more than it bothers them.

Other than that, I haven't found any good solutions to this issue, but you're not alone with this one.

Dear L.,

You've gotten lots of great advice already; I just want to echo the suggestion of a one-on-one playdate in your home. That way, your son will be surrounded by all the things he's most comfortable with; it'll be the easiest possible way for him to handle the presence of another child. I also recommend screening carefully for a mellow, un-wild child, qualities that are sometimes (not always, of course) easier to find in little girls.

I also have a bright, sweet, super-shy little boy, and I find that children with this temperament don't do well being thrown into a full-on daycare situation. It's much better to let them start by putting one toe in the water, so to speak.

My son is about a year older than yours, and he's finally starting to come out of his shell a little, thanks -- of all things -- to a change in his diet. On the advice of a naturopathic physician, we eliminated all traces of milk from my son's diet, and almost immediately he became happier, his speech got much clearer, and he became more physically and socially adventurous. It was like some clouds just cleared away and the sun shone through. I don't know if this will apply to your son at all, but I HAVE learned that if something in a child's diet depresses his/her mood, excessive caution and a fearful approach are common results.

All that said, enjoy your bright, sweet little boy. Shyness comes with so many wonderful qualities -- intuition, great powers of observation, an ability to play and think independently, a healthy dose of caution -- wonderful traits to cultivate. The majority of shy toddlers outgrow the most extreme manifestations of shyness, though many turn out to be on the quieter, more contemplative side, which is wonderful.

Best of luck, and sorry to ramble,

Mira

You've received lots of good advice already. I think you need to be consistant. If you can consistantly involve him in playgroups and classes, great, keep it up! If not, maybe daycare a couple of days a week isn't such a bad thing. Both of my kids are in daycare and I wouldn't have it any other way. My son started out part time, but loved it so much, we started full time soon after. Being an only child, it may get tougher before it gets better...what will happen once he needs to go to school? Just something to consider.

I just wanted to tell you that my daughter is the SAME way and is already in daycare. It took her weeks of crying and fear to be comfortable there. Now she knows THOSE kids and she is comfortable there, but it has not helped her in new situations.... so I wouldn't bother if I were you.

Here is my advice... same as so many others. Take him places with consistency. Enroll him in a toddler gymnastics or something like that. But don't worry that he is shy. Let him be shy. Let him hold back. It has taken my daughter about 20 weeks of the same gymnastics class to FINALLY start playing near the other kids. The thing is, don't stress about him being shy. It is his personality and you can't change it. You just want to do things that make him feel safe... like exposure. The more he is around other kids in a consistent, fun environment, the more his shyness won't bother him... and it shouldn't bother you.

It is so hard to fight the instinct of wanting our kids to be outgoing and have fun.... but being tossed in the middle of strangers isn't fun for a shy kid. So let him cling and realize it will take him 10 times longer to feel safe..... but as long as HE is happy and having fun, it's okay if he holds back and is shy.

I tend to think it will take time and patience but if you keep socializing your son with children his own age, he'll get better at it. Sure, take him to day care.

Hi L.,
I'm sorry to hear your son is feeling so shy.
I would definately give him the chance to try out other environments. If there is a friend of yours with kids, that would be the best place to start. Maybe invite a play date to your house/apartment. It doesn't have to be someone his age. Sometimes an older child helps- someone in between the toddler and grown up spheres.
If there is a co-op preschool setting, where the philosophy includes learning through play, gradual transitions, and there is an emphasis on helping children socialize, then that might be worth a try- but i wouldn't go to a drop-off program just yet. He isn't yet 2. On top of that, this is a clingy age where toddlers develop the fear that mommy won't come back. Since so much can change between now and 2, I'd keep working with creating environments where he can feel safe and you can enjoy the company of others too.
Is there a moms group in your area?
Is there a YMCA or a JCC? They often have relaxed mommy and me play/talk sessions where you can hang out and talk to other moms without the pressure of participating in a class.
Its a tough time. But he will grow out of it. And in the meantime, he might just be really sensitive.

Hi L.! It's great to hear that you are still trying to work around your sons difficulty. I have twins, one is very out going and the other hangs back until he warms up. When together this is not a problem, when apart, he may not join in for quite some time, so I can relate. I think taking your son to daycare is a bit extreme. I would think that you could start off taking him to more public areas- a childs museum, a play ground, a library story hour...ect. Let him hang back with you and take in the scene. Describe to him what is going on. Tell him things about the children that he can relate to adults- "look, that little boy has red hair just like uncle- " "That girl laughs just like Grandma.' You can also try making a game out of the crowed. Ask hime to point out how many kids wearing red. Point to kids wearing jeans, can he find any kids with long hair or glasses.

I have a couple of great books that have pictures of babies in them, maybe if you don't already get a couple of Parenting magazines, and look at them together, talking about the kids he sees in the photo's. Have him say whay he likes about each picture. If he's working with scissors, let him cut out his favorites and make a collage- then you can use the comparisons for the groups of kids you come across later.

Also does your son have a comfort object? If so it may help for him to have this when he is around other children and let him just play my himself until he warms up, which may not even be the first visit. I would trya small group of very understanding Mom's so you don't stress over their reactions, but also so that your son is exsposed to some of the same faces on a regular basis. Keep the visits short. Maybe even only an hour. Schedule them when he is likely to be at his best- after nap and lunch? And you may want to do these smaller visits at home so that he is in his element.

Hope this helps!
Kim

What if you were to offer to have a "play date" at your house with one other child. It might give your son a chance to get used to another child in a setting he's totally comfortable with. The beginning might be a little rocky, but if he sees that everything is still right with his world even when another child is around, he might become more comfortable. C. J.

Dear L.,

I own a daycare center and I have to disagree. If he is afraid of children now putting him in a daycare environment without you is only going to traumatize him further. Although I am sure he will get over it in time why put him through it. I have had children his age despite what we do cry for up to a month. I would be more inclined to suggest some mommy and me classes. Little gym, swimming, mommy and me, whatever you can do to expose him to children with the security of you around. I would try to socialize him as much as you can and when he comes to you crying just take his hand and go with him to greet the children. You can stay by his side and at the same time let him observe the children at play so he will realize there is nothing to be afraid of. This is so common for so many kids at that age. When we have children who start daycare at this age we go through this all of the time. Sometimes the only way we can calm them down is to put them into a highchair or hold them. Up high and away from the kids. That's was when I realized they are terrified of the other children. If you think about it if a child has only been with adults it can be very scary. Once the weather breaks I would take him to the park as often as you can and as I said go with him and help him though it. Children at this age parallel play anyway so expecting him to play with the children is probably not going to happen until he gets a little older. Good luck and relax this is normal.

Oh my gosh--I would NOT take him to daycare, for several reasons. First of all, you've
made the choice to stay home with him--chances are, that decision was not made lightly or by accident. I think he is best off with you. I think too many people think daycare is the answer to everything. I realize some people have to send their children to daycare, and others choose to, but I really feel your child is in the best place for him right now, especially with his personality. Plus, if you send him, imagine the stress it will put him under, forcing him into being social. I think it's best to work with his individual temperment and timetable.

That said, I think all you can do is keep doing what you're doing--allow him access and opportunities to be around other children. Let him see you interacting with other children and adults. Beyond that, I don't think there's much you can do. Don't force him to interact--if he withdraws, allow him to sit with you, and go with his comfort level.

I am sure he'll grow out of it. My younger cousin was always VERY shy with both adults and kids when she was little. She was an only child--she was so shy, that my parents used to talk about it (but not around my cousin or her parents). They thought it was strange, thought something was wrong, etc. Well, today she is a happy, normal, adjusted woman in her late 20s, happy around adults, children, strangers. In fact, she has a marketing job with the city of Austin, TX.

All that to say I think you're doing great. Just try to relax--he will be okay.

I would try to have someone come over to your house before just dropping him off at day care to "socialize" him. If he can communicate with adults, then he is "socialized." He's just shy, and THAT"S OK. My own son was shy. We encouraged him with little steps to say hi to other children or play at a playground where he could be with them but not necessarily have to interact. Some days he felt more adventuresome and would play, and other days he wouldn't. We had play dates at our house first, where he felt more secure. Eventually he went to a nurturing pre-school and did just fine. He's an adult now, and while he's not the life of the party, he can certainly old his own with any age group, including his own. Be patient, and love him for who he is, while trying to provide safe opportunities for him to interact with other children.

Hi L.
I know it is hard to have your child not ready for what you are ready for them to do. He is only 19 months old. Kids change so much from month to month.
Spring is approaching. Perhaps just going to the park where other kids are, so he can watch them play,(or just play next to them) will ease him into children. Also arrive places first(early) to anyplace (I had to do that with Sunday School at our church)you want him to stay with the kids. Sometimes kids arriving in his space helps.
I am not big on day care, especially at 19 months. It can be overwhelming. Ease him into whatever you want him to do. Taking him to the playground you are there with him doing the kid things and some other kids will also be there. He will see them playing too, next to each other. There is a stage kids go through that is side by side play, not interactive play. All children get through that stage, and on to the next.
Some kids like to show off their new ___________T-shirt with their favorite character on in. It sometimes helps.
The biggest thing you have on your side it he is young and does not need to socialize yet.
Were you shy?
Since I am old enough to be your mom, have you talked to her about it. She may have some great stories to tell, that you will be surprised about.
God bless you and all your decisions
K. SAHM married 38 years--- adult children 37, coach; 32, lawyer, married with 6mo; and twins 18, in college after homeschooling, one on campus-- fine arts, 3.7GPA, the other commuting-- journalism, 3.8 GPA.

I wouldn't worry about it - just expose him to other children while you are around and if he is scared, then comfort him. I wouldn't force the issue. My son is almost two years old, has been in daycare since he was 10 weeks old, is very outgoing with us and other adults and even other children that he knows well, like his cousins but we notice when we were with friends or in a public situation that a new situation with children he doesn't know he would be very shy/scared and come running to me. I was so confused b/c he is fine in daycare and I didn't often see this type of behavior, so I figured he must just be shy and need to warm up to new situations. I tried to look at my husband and I, how were we in social situations and we agreed, we kind of need to feel it all out first too and prefer the comfort of our close friends over meeting new people, we could of course do it but think about how young your son is, he doesn't understand the socialization yet. My son would even leave a park if there were to many kids there and then not even want to go back - this just happend several weeks ago and he said to me, No - to many kids. I've seen him at school though and playing and having fun with the other kids. It seems to be changing though b/c actually we were at a friends 1st birthday party yesterday and my husband and I were happy to see that he finally turned a corner and socialized without us being right there...I was a bit shocked but very happy, so just let your son be, he'll be fine, I think its part of his growing.