18Yr Old Wants to Move Out.

You said nothing here as to why you don't want her to move out. Well you said you don't think she isn't ready but who cares if she isn't ready. If she falls flat on her face then be there for her, it will be a great life lesson. If she doesn't fall flat on her face then and even greater lesson.

There is no downside for her moving out because I assume you are not renting her bedroom out the minute she leaves so she will have a place to go if she can't make it. More than that she will have a realistic idea of what life is like on her own.

I moved out at 18 too.

You can decide whether you want to leave the door open for her to move back in. If that's the case, don't make it hard for her to move out. Let her believe that you trust she'll be okay, so if she does need to move back, it's not a 'crawling back' or fear that you'll throw it in her face.

I like the idea of helping her budget and having a family dinner once a week, too!

Eighteen is an adult and therefore, she can move out if she can afford to support herself. Kids at this age want to get away from their parents as much as possible. They want to be independent and live by their own rules. My daughter will be 18 in a few months. For years, her dad and I have been told how badly she wanted to move out. She hates living with either of us. We are such awful parents. As soon as she turned 16, her dad and I have encouraged her to get a job and save her money because we know how much she desperately wants to be on her own. Well, 18 is approaching and she's having second thoughts. In fact, she has decided she'd rather concentrate on school as opposed to working. Some things you may want to ask your daughter: If she has graduated high school, does she plan on furthering her education? If so, how will she pay for it? How much will it cost her to live on her own--have her do up a budget.

You can't stop her from moving out. If she's putting up a stink to move, let her. She will soon find out that being an adult is a big responsibility and probably return home with her tail between her legs.

I think those wishes are normal. You can still hug and kiss her at times, even if she doesn't think she wants you to.

But if she wants to move out - let her. It's often time for them to move out at 18, so they can finish maturing. They usually kind of stagnate while they are still living at home.

It's hard to let go, but we all have to do it.

Don't feel guilty - you did the best job you could.

I too raised my daughter all alone - it's so stressful. We get so caught up with every day life and worries like how we're going to put food on the table AND afford that doctor bill at the same time, that we miss out on the "quality" time.

I too wish I had shown my daughter more affection and put more emphasis on quality time with her versus worrying about everything else. When you're in it, you can't help but to worry about everything and then looking back, you realize that some of that stuff wasn't really as important as you thought it was then.

Hindsight......sigh.

But, there is a second chance - Grandchildren. That's our time to "go back". Only this time we KNOW what's important in the long run.

Good luck.

Let her go. You cannot fix the past and carrying guilt about it makes it worse for you and it interferes with your decision making. You will never make up now at 18, for what she was feeling at 8 or other ages. It doesn't work that way. I know, I have the same thing going on with my son. At some point, you just have to search your soul and know that you did the best you could with what God gave you. If they didn't learn from you or love and respect you out of the positive things you did do, then it is what it is, and you do your best to achieve a relationship with her going forward. If anything, respect her for wanting to move out, support her and tell her so. Remember, the more you fight it or ignore it, the more she will "throw it in your face" so to speak. You said it yourself....she is an adult, trying to be one, so respect her for it and she will always come back. Good Luck.

Tell her you love her and will help her write up a budget

We all have regrets and can think back on ways we could have done a better job as a mom. Too bad we can't all have a few do-overs!

Considering the many adult kids who are moving back home, you can pat yourself on the back that your daughter has enough confidence to consider moving out on her own. Even if she is not completely ready, the experience can help her mature into her own adulthood. Good job, Mama!

Your feelings are understandable and normal. Try looking at this in a more positive light...she is wanting to spread her wings and fly, which is great!

Tell her you love her now and that she can do anything she sets her mind to and that you will always be there for her when she needs you and that your door is always open!

Encourage her. She is wanting to be an adult...so let her!

~Don't beat yourself up about her childhood. I am sure you did the best that you could and I think that every single one of us Mommies wishes we could go back and love on our kids again when they were just itty-bitty!

I understand how you feel but maybe you could look at it this way - many kids leave home at 18 to go live away at college. It's a safer environment etc but I think it's still very hard for parents to say goodbye to their babies. And it's certainly not 100% safe. Your daughter isn't going to college but likely she's not going as far away as many kids who go to college. So on average, you may see her as much or more than if she was leaving to go 3 states away to school. Tell her you wish you'd hugged and kissed her more - or write her a letter if you can't say it to her face. Then once she's out on her own, remind her you were her age AND had a baby to take care of. So you weren't perfect but maybe she can see how hard it is. Keep good communication and it should be fine. She's not the only 18 year old leaving home so not necessarily a disaster waiting to happen.

Time to let her find out what it is like to have to be an adult. She wants all the perks of being grown up. What she doesn't know is what the sacrifices are. Until someone has to do deal with that part of growing up, they can't actually become an adult.

So let her learn. Don't swoop in and rescue her when she falters. If she says she can't pay her cell phone bill, tell her "I'm sorry about that. What are you going to do?" Listen, but if she asks for money, tell her that she's on her own now and perhaps she needs to work more hours or let go of things that cost her money that she can't afford to spend. Don't co-sign a loan with her either.

The only way for a kid to learn how to manage his or her fiances is for parents not to bail them out.

I'm sure your daughter doesn't think that you didn't love her or hug her or kiss enough. Don't worry about that. Just know that the goal of being a parent is to let your kids become self-sufficient. Not to hold them back.

Good luck,
Dawn

I moved out when I was 19 and I made it! It will be ok. I agree, help her make a budget and tell her you want to set up weekly date nights!

As long as she's in your house, the only thing that you can control is insisting that she follows your house rules. It doesn't matter if she's a minor or legally an adult. No matter where she lives, if it's not her own home, she will have to follow the homeowner's rules. Fact of life that she'll have to suck up.

Unfortunately, if she has a place lined up to take her she can leave your home whether you're ready for her to leave or not and whether she's actually prepared to leave or not. This may have to be a mistake she needs to make... but it could end up being the best decision she makes for herself. It might help her grow up and take responsibility. It might help your relationship with her.

So at this point, I wouldn't fight her. I would support her and make sure she knows you love her. Make sure she knows that your home is always open to her, and she can always ask you for support or help. Lay down some ground rules after she leaves (such as calling before coming over; rules regarding younger siblings; she can't take bags of food out of the house). Just also let her know that you believe she can succeed EVEN IF you really don't. That will help begin to repair your relationship with her.

Just have a nice heartfelt talk with her, before she moves out.
Not a talk about making her feel guilty or about judging her or teaching her a lesson or "lecturing" her... just a nice chat, heart to heart, about how proud you are of her and how she is growing up and how you realize that... and how, when you were her age you were a Mom already... and you will always be her Mom and she will always be your daughter no matter what age, and you are ALWAYS there for her.
Don't tell her about all the "regrets" you have or had or how you wish you did things differently. How you did thing are how you did it at the time... trying your best at the time. TELL her you love her and hug her... NOW.
Don't think about the past or how you should have... hugged her more. Just do it, NOW.
Ask her her own thoughts. Discuss things and chat.
That is what a daughter needs... a Mom that they can talk WITH... and feel open WITH... and rely on... no matter what comes up.

Because, a daughter will shy away from a Mom, that only makes her feel guilty or makes her feel inadequate. They need a parent who believes, in them... and will guide them. No matter what age.

Don't just think about yourself... but about her. Now. How she is now and what she needs, now.

She is not a "little girl" anymore. But a child, no matter what age, will always be your "child." And a child will always need... their parent.

Give your "child" wings to fly with.

And hopefully she has a JOB.
And a savings account and a checking account at the very least.
If not, she cannot support herself and rent.
I assume, she KNOWS how to look for an apartment?
And has her own medical insurance????

I understand how you feel. Letting them go is often very hard. If you tell her you love her and will support her in what ever choice she makes then you'll know you did what you could.

She can move out already and you may not even see her for weeks at a time or even know where she is living. My daughter turned 18 in boot camp then she got stress fractured in her shins and feet when they started PT. They let her out. She came home and spent one night then we didn't see her for about 2 weeks. She had moved in with a guy my age that owned a strip club. She worked as a stripper for most of her adult life. Until she went in to rehab that was the only job she could keep, being late at night she was out of bed by then and was able to live on just tips.

She moved in and out with different people sometimes weekly. When she was homeless she lived where her head hit the pillow that night.

I would like to think you would let your daughter know she could come back at any time. She is an adult, treat her like you would a room mate, one that is an adult and can come and go as they want.

IF she is working then I'd ask her to pay a minimal rent to help with the utilities but if she's not then you have to decide what conditions you want to enforce. Going to school, finding a full time job within 2 months, etc....what ever you think is the most helpful for her.

They're grown but they don't know what they don't know yet. Then again, some really do have enough together to live on their own.

If she's using it as a weapon, take away her ability to wound you. Tell her that she is welcome to move as she is 18, but this is what she should expect from YOU. For example, if my SD moved out entirely (vs just going to college), then she would need to pick up her own insurance, buy herself a car (cannot take ours with her), and would have to turn in her key. Not to be mean, but if she was no longer a part of the household, things would change. My SS is going to move out, and we've discussed much the same. He's been dropped by our dental insurance so he needs to figure out his own benefits through whatever job he gets next. We don't cover cell phones for the kids, but if we did, that would be another bill they'd take on themselves, as independent adults. I'd talk to her calmly about her plans and see if she does have a plan or is throwing a big girl sized fit. If it's just a fit, then you should still discuss how you and she function in an adult household together. My SS pays rent, for example.

Is she in HS? If so, will she continue or drop out and get a job/better job? Is she threatening to move out in general or move to a non-custodial parent's home?

You can't control where she lives, but you can control what you do in response.

you have gotten some good advice from the ladies. what i wanted to add was, it's never too late to work on your relationship.

we were never an "i love you" family. it was not done in our family, even though we all adore each other and know without a doubt that we are loved. when my husband came along we kind of started a new tradition in our nuclear family. we are VERY affectionate. it was awkward at first for me, but it is wonderful. we "i love you" a million times a day. we hug, we kiss, we touch in passing.

i wouldn't just jump right in and start hugging her every time you see her (that would make an awkward situation worse for an 18 year old, i'm sure), but my suggestion is to start saying "I love you" (if you don't), EVERY time you say goodbye, or get off the phone, or even just because. if she does move out (and she will, sooner or later), when she comes to visit give her a hug when you see her. be happy to see her. ignore her eye rolls and "mooom!"...she's immature. you're the adult. you can do it. it's never too late. good luck!

Write her a letter. Tell her how much you regretting not giving her extra hugs or kisses. Let her know that you are so proud of her that she has the courage to move out. I'm assuming you will leave the door open if she needs it, so tell her life is hard and you don't want to see her struggle so you will leave the door open. Give her options of coming home for dinner maybe once a week. Tell her you don't want her to feel like you are prying but if she wants guidance on how to budget or meal plan, you are there to give it to her.

Sounds like maybe the relationship is strained a little bit and she needs to go, it's best that you tell her you support her rather than telling her you don't think she's ready, that will just make things worse.

BTW I had my first at age 17, so I get it.

I think part of what you are feeling is perfectly normal.

I cried the whole first week of my daughter's senior year of high school. She was only 17 when she graduated and it all just seemed to happen so fast. I really found myself not ready for it. Thankfully, God knew what he was doing by giving me a child 10 years younger, because I was certainly not ready to have no kids in the house when it was time for her to move out.

Here's the thing...YOU may not be ready for her to move out, and only time will tell if she's really ready, but you can't keep her home forever.

So far, she's "contemplating" moving out. Does she have a full time job? Is she able to pay all her bills by herself? It's a lot harder than most kids think.
My daughter moved out and ended up needing to move back home for a while. I knew she wasn't financially ready, but what the heck does a mother know? She had to figure that out for herself.

I think we all look back and say that maybe we could have done this or that differently. But, we all do the best we can. My daughter is 26 now and a mother herself. She still "needs" me, just in different ways. It's a beautiful thing.

When you get down to it, there are two things we give our kids.....
One is roots and the other is wings.

It's part of our job as mothers to make sure our baby birds can fly on their own.

Best wishes.