17 Year Old Boy

Hi M.. I am the mother of a grown son and 9 grandsons; ages 18 to 1yr. I have been there and now watch my daughters 13yr old and my sons 12 year old having the same issues. I advised my daughter to seek a male mentor, which she has done. It is to early to know if this is effecive, but her son appears to be trying to become more responsible. My son has identified the one area that his son feels is important and now has an effective tool to use to incent him to become more responsible.
At 17 it is a little more difficult to deal with. Perhaps his father could spend more one on one. If not try going to the guidance counselor at school and get him a mentor.

Have you considered counseling? It may sound out there, but my son and I have always been close. He is 15 now and withdrew and was going thru the same... bad personal hygeine, grades dropping etc. We went to counseling together to work on our communication. I explained to him that I love him and he doesn't seem happy, I didn't want to intrude on his life and wasn't asking for every little detail, but I was concerned he wasn't enjoying life and wanted to help. We talk more and I see him smile and laugh a bit more, it has helped. I think he just needed it reinforced that I was there for him and always will be... good luck.

Being a mom to a 24yr old male, I have a couple of thoughts on this. First, spend as much time with him as possible. Invite him everywhere, whether he goes or not, is not the issue. It is the act of inviting him(plead for the company). Take him to lunch, do things that interest him(look under a car hood and comment on the engine, type stuff).

Do not nag him about external things(teeth, manners etc....). His heart needs soothing. Comment on ANY thing that is even close to being a positive thing. Stay calm and loving in the way you talk to him, not disgusted. This is a big thing with them.

If you can have a talk with the ex-husband, then encourage him to do at least a couple things a month ALONE with your son. This is a vital time for young men to have a good relationship with a male role model or their dad(who may or may not be a good influence, but it is their dad!)

Guys have a lot to think about during this age and women do not understand...even though we think we know it all!!! haha
My husband straightens me out a lot about these kind of things and lets me know how reality works with men!

Above all, hug him at least once a day. Even if he pushes you away, push through on this and make it a habit. He will know you have UNconditional love for him!

i have a 15 year old boy and i feel your pain honey. The key is really consistency. As hard as it is and i know you feel that because he's older you shouldn't have to stay on his @$$ the way you do. I'm going through similar issues with my son. the thing i found with boys is they hold a lot in. It got to the point where my son started not to care about his school work. i finally got the school involved and got him on a very structured schedule which seems to be working for the time being. feel free to email me at ____@____.com

Good luck!!!!!

Hi M..
My sons are 20 & 18. I have been through something like this before, with the both of them. When my boys lied to me (and I would always give them 'the look' that they knew meant I knew they were lying), I would tell them that telling me the truth first is always better, they came around (eventually) out with the truth. When they kept lying to me, I would take things away from them (phone, computer, video game system, stereo, MP3 player, hanging with friends, etc.) - anything fun or needed.

As for the hygiene, I used to tell my boys that they don't live in a nursing home so they can and WILL wash themselves daily. I also added in that girls tend to be attracted to guys who take care of themselves WITHOUT being told to. I know it sounds easier said than done, but if you keep repeating it, the message will eventually get through.

I really don't know what to tell you about how to handle the situation involving the father's girlfriend. One would figure that after 10 years of them being together, your son would have been used to it by now. You son's probably feeling like he can't really talk with his dad; like the father's girlfriend is putting in her 2 cents when its just supposed to be about the father and son. Maybe you can talk with your son's father (when your son's not around) and try to get some sense into him about the father/son relationship.

Learn the lyrics to the songs your son listens to, also. Even today, there are questionable lyrics in songs that are considered 'underground.' My middle son once had me listen to songs in which the lyrics stated that 'cut yourself cuz it makes you feel better.' <- Songs with words like that just seem to feed the depressive/suicidal ideation. If after everything, your son still seems to be in the rut he's in now, you may want to consider both individual & family counseling sessions for your son.

I know there are days when you just want to put your hands on your son's shoulders and just shake him - hoping to snap him out of whatever's going on inside of him - but deep down inside, you know it won't work. Just keep at it and follow the advice of others that have been there. You may want to even consult his physician. Physician's can provide advice and help when all other avenues have failed.

Dear M. L,
I found that the hardest thing was to raise a child as a single\divorced mom. Are you involved in a good church where he can have good relationships? Many times, when someones behavior changes, it is because he is getting acceptance from other sources, even bad ones. If you can find him someone to help mentor him, as a dad should do, then he may see that acceptance from an adult male ( a good role model with good moral choices,) is a positive thing. Because he does not like his dad's girlfriend, that must put a strain on his relationship with his dad....I hope that this helps... please let me know...M.

I am the mother of a 15 year old boy and I feel your pain. I agree with everyone else. Make sure he knows how much you care by spending time with him (or atleast inviting him along). Give him a hug everyday even if he pushes you away. If you can, talk to his dad about spending some one on one time with him. Hang in there. I know he'll come around eventually. : )

Hi M.,
My son is now 28 and past all this. But I think its pretty common. He really wasn't human as far as hygene goes from about age 10-age 21. We live on Cape Cod and when he was about 12, in the summer, he thought because he was swiming in the ocean almost every day that he didn't need to shower or use soap... uck. I had to really make sure he used soap, and brush his teeth. I got really fortunate when at age 20 he made up his mind to attend Mass Maritime Academy. He knew he needed the structure in his life. Great, awesome school. Let me tell ya, he was showering, brushing teeth, clean, right away.

His Dad and I divorced when he was 8. He had some involvement with him, but since he was about 22 they haven't been in touch at all. My son's choice. I know for a fact that other males in his life has been really good for him. My brother in law, guys from MMA, a boss. He was able to seek out that male influences he needed. I think at 17 they're really trying to figure out how to be a man, but want to stay little too. Its harder for boys I think than girls (I had 2 girls, 1 foster daughter too). Any kind of positive male type activities are good. Keep the faith.... it'll work out.

I went through this with both my children when they were 15 & 17 (they are 24 and 22 now). My daughter, the youngest, was the worst, though. We went through counselling, and I just tried to keep being consistent with her and her boundaries, and always showed her that I loved her. Her father cheated on me with his co-worker, who he has lived with since the divorce in 2000, and the strange thing about it is that my daughter took to his girlfriend right off, yet blamed me for everything (I had initiated the divorce.) I think at that age they are so vulnerable yet want to assert their independence and separate from their parents. Just don't give up on him...keep consistently being firm but loving, and show that you will always be there for him. He'll come around eventually.
Good luck!
K.