I am looking for advice on how to approach my son who is a year and a half kicking me (hard) while he gets his diaper changed. This does not happen with every diaper change but probably about twice a day when distraction via objects, singing, etc. has stopped working.
I am seeking methods that honor what he is feeling without resorting to violence of any kind (and in my opinion this includes spanking). I appreciate that there are many varied opinions on the subject of spanking and am not looking for someone to persuade me of spanking's effectiveness. I'm just looking for other tools for my mama bag o' tricks.
Thanks in advance!
Some background:
When he is violent in other settings I approach the behavior by using the following methodology:
Hurting other children: I intervene, comfort the hurt child and then remove my son from the environment for about a minute. When we "re-enter" the environment we practice "gentle" with his peer with ample positive feedback. When things are calmer I role play how to "solve" the problem.
Hurting me: I state "Ouch. I don't want to play with you when you hurt me." look sad and bored at the same time and walk away. I then acknowledge him after about a minute and we practice "gentle" with each other with ample positive feedback. When things are calmer I role play how to "solve" the problem.
When he is not hurting others and starts to get really upset I try to model using language, e.g. "That tower made you really mad when it fell over. That would make me mad. Let's see if we can fix it."
I should also put out there that my son has higher receptive than expressive language. His only expressive language are the phrases "uh, oh" and "bye, bye". He also does not sign though I have been fairly consistent with signing to him since he was six months of age.
I would start changing his diapers standing up. It takes some getting used to and obviously doesn't work with BM changes, for those, lay him down sideways (like if he were on a changing table) and then you won't be at his feet anymore.
Good Luck!
Learn to change him as he is standing up. Find a place to "corner" him and it should be different enough that the distraction methods work again. For BM make sure you are shut into the bathroom and boy trapped in the tub in case anyone makes a run for it.
Hi. I thing your approach sounds good overall - kudos to you. However, he is 18 months old and quite cognizant of his actions, although still unable to control and fully understand his feelings of course. Therefore, I would add one thing: You should tell him which behavior is not acceptable in a firm tone and request an apology (or at least model it if he's not quite able yet). For example, when he hurts another child you should tell him that hitting (or whatever he did) is not acceptable behavior (e.g., "We don't hit. It hurts and is not acceptable behavior). Then you should encourage him to apologize to the other child for his behavior (if he is giving you that "I don't get it look" just model it with him next to you by saying to the other child "John is very sorry for hitting you. He did not mean to hurt you and he won't do it again. Will you accept his apology?" Then give ideas of how they can play together again and continue to supervise closely. When you see him give indications of repeating the behavior, intervene and at that time reinforce the message "we do not hit...I know you are frustrated/don't want to share, etc...so let's do xxxxxx instead." The goal is to do all that you are doing, but also tell him what behavior is unacceptable so he learns that as well as how to control himself. Same goes for when he hurts you. All you are doing is good, just add the message of what is not acceptable so it is clear to him why you are hurt/what hurt you.
As for the diaper changes, my daughter went through that stage too. It is a stage. He is exerting control and testing you and testing the ability to defy. I would stand to the side and tell her that kicking is not allowed and why (it hurts mommy when you kick me and I do not like that). I would change her as fast as I could. For BMs, I would stand her up in the laundry sink and wash her off, so the kicking was not an issue and she enjoyed the upright position. So, perhaps changing upright will work for him too (as the other moms suggested). He will grow out of it, just be consistent in your message. :)
Hope that helps. Keep up the good work. It's a tough haul sometimes! ;)
Sounds like you have a lot of tricks in your bag already but here is one more. My son did the same thing. I tried to tell him "I don't like it when you kick me. Please stop." He didn't respond. but he did respond when I would gently put his legs on the ground. Look him in the eye and say. "OWIE! Please stop. Don't kick Mommy. It Hurts!" in a firm low tone voice. He would look at me and stay still then we would finish the diaper change he would look at me and I would ask for a sorry hug. He would give me a hug and kiss and say "sorry" This has been soo effective that now he is 2.5 year and when his little sister hurts him he will repeat. "OWIE! Stop, Don't kick! and then he will give her a hug and say sorry. So it is amazing that my 2 year old is now modleing behavior to my baby. How amazing are kids!!
Good luck. Just keep at it. This too shall pass
Hi,
My 22 month old likes to kick during diaper changes too. We have a smoother time, though, when I ask him to help. I'll lay out the diaper and ask him to sit in it or I'll lay him down and ask him to "lift up your butt!" Kids this age love demonstrating that they know what you're saying. They love to follow instructions. And then it becomes a fun routine. You're not just changing his diaper; he's changing it too!
Good luck!
My grandchildren sometimes kicked during diaper changes at that age. My granddaughter usually thought it was funny. My learning disabled grandson kicked really hard. Sometimess it was for fun. Other times he seemed angry.
With both of them I moved to the side so that they couldn't reach me, help my hand on their tummy so they wouldn't roll away and say something to the point of I don't think this is funny. stop kicking so can get you diaper changed and have some fun. And then we'd play, usually in a physical way to work off the energy. One game is I'm gonna get you as I'd reach in their direction and they'd say I'm gonna get you and reach out in my direction.
sometimes, I'd play a game with them by pushing back on the feet and she'd kick into my hands and we would both be laughing. Then I'd say lets get this diaper changed so we can do something else fun. This didn't work with my grandson.
Sometimes, I'd say oooo! that hurts! Please stop. And my granddaughter would stop after a few more tentative kicks during which I'd hold a foot and repeat please stop.
That one rarely worked with my grandson. After that we found that he has speech apraxia and possibly has an autism spectrum disorder. He still doesn't realize how hard he hits. He does this hard hitting even when he's not mad. He also joyfully runs helter skelter into me with enoubh force that I would fall down if I didn't brace myself. We are still working on stopping that. He likes for other kids to run hard into him.` I try to prevent the losing balance part for me by reaching him before he reaches me.
At 18 months stopping him by moving away from his feet frequently didn't work. It was just too much fun for him. At some point he didn't even like to lay down for diaper changes. His mother switched him to pull ups so that he could stand to have his diaper changed. That was OK for him.
You're on the right track with teaching him through demonstrating how his behavior makes you feel, rebuking it, and practicing gentle behavior. For some toddlers, it just takes lots of this repetitive correction for it to sink in, but don't give up! For me, I would definitely rebuke the kicking (or other physical outbursts) in a firm (but not harsh) tone, and make a sad face and say "no-no! ouch! you hurt mommy. please don't hurt mommy" then try to distract him and defuse the resistance. One thing that has worked for my toddlers at times is laying a doll on the floor and say "let's change baby" then pretend to change the baby's diaper, then say "now let's change YOUR diaper" with a cheerful voice. Other distractions are great too, but maybe involving him in the process of changing a diaper might make him feel less resistant...
I applaud you for looking for non-violent ways of dealing with your child's behavior. It will be rewarded later on!
Blessings!
J.
