My step-daughter and son are both 13 and in 7th grade. My son and his friends walk or bike just about everywhere within a mile or two. Longer distances are on a case-by-case basis because of busy roads. Had a weird situation today:
My step-daughter is good friends with the daughter of one of my friends, who lives literally half a mile and 2 streets away. I can walk there in 8 minutes if I'm taking a leisurely stroll. She invited the girl over today and her mom wasn't home so she she needed a ride over. I was on my way to walk one of the other kids home from school so I said that she could walk here faster or wait and I'd pick her up. Her mom called to say that she doesn't allow her to walk places (so I picked her up). I kind of joked with her and realized that she's serious. Her street is a main road, but not like a state highway or anything - the speed limit past her house is 35 or 40 and there is traffic but not a ridiculous amount. Her concern was more about her walking alone and she said that "it's different for boys and girls you have to be more careful with girls."
Honestly, I'm new to the whole girl thing - do you moms of girls this age let them walk around alone (for all of half a mile, with a clear destination in mind)? We live in a pretty mellow suburb, and the police station is on my street so I feel pretty confident that my kids aren't at a high risk for being the victim of a crime. Am I cavalier or is my friend a little over-protective? Do you think the rules should be different for boys and girls of the same age? I totally expect my SD to get around on her own two feet or a bike when possible - is that as common for girls as it is for boys?
Wow - really interesting perspectives, thanks for sharing. FWIW, my friend and I live in a neighborhood that within 1 square mile includes 5 schools, the police station, fire station, a large park, 2 smaller playgrounds, the ice cream stand, a convenience store and is crawling with joggers, moms pushing kids in baby strollers, kids walking home from school, various sports teams running, etc. in the afternoon. I wouldn't have thought twice about having my SD walk to her house, just like I don't think twice about jogging through my neighborhood. My 7-year-old walks the last 1/4 mile to school by himself (I watch him go to the last crossing guard and he turns the corner into the school driveway) and my oldest son has walked to and from school alone (under 1/2 mile) since 3rd grade, so to me this isn't much different because of the time of day. It's eye-opening that so many people share this fear, thanks again for your candor.
Not a chance will I let my daugther walk around without me. The farthest she can walk is accross the street to her friends house and thats with me watching. There are way to many crazies out there.
NO NO NO I would not let my girls walk alone. I dont let my 16yr old walk alone. Yes it is different for boys than girls. Teenage girls are stupid. They look 18 and have the reasoning skills of 8 yr olds. I have 3 girls 16, 10, and 6. There is a park about 5 houses down from ours. My 10 yr likes to go play there all the time. We have a rule that if there arent at least 2 more of her friends there, she doesnt go without big sister. Big sister doesnt go alone either. Sadly you just can trust people these days. Perverts see a young girl that looks 18 and shes really 13 and then they hit on them, THEN WHAT.
Ok So maybe I'm a little over protective but my hubby is Police and he hears and sees so many things then comes home and tell me. Now my 16 yrold can drive byherself, we dont care and my kids can walk over the neighborhood, just not alone.
I did at that age, but only if I was with a group of kids. But, I was also a trained black belt and highly medaled competitive fighter ;)
Now though, as a mom, I would rather drive my daughter... and son. For one, there is of course the risk of abduction ( I was almost kidnapped as a child, and had two BOY friends that were both kidnapped/molested and tortured)... But the biggest concern for me, is kids (boys as well) getting into trouble (vandalism, smoking, being stupid playing in the middle of a busy street, picking fights, sex...) when left to wander.
I know when I was growing up that I would always get the "because he's a boy and you're a girl" speech and at the time I HATED hearing it. My brother was allowed so much more freedom than I was. Now that I am older and have lived through my teen years and look back at all the trouble that I got into behind my mothers back and the trouble that I could have gotten into, Yes I see the difference and obviously a teeneger (especially a 13 yr old) isnt going to see it the same way now but I think being overprotective on this topic is a good idea. This is not to say that you should protect your daughter more than your son but I think at her age there are many more 'predators' after someone who is female, alone and young than what boys face
Just my opinion
Good Luck
Does Jaycee Dugard ring a bell?
My 13 yo looks alot like her.
That is why my 13 and 16 still walk with friends, together or with me or my hubby. It's also why my 16 yr old gets a ride to and from the busstop that is half a mile away.
And I wouldn't let them walk alone or to friends' houses on busy streets having never heard of Jaycee.
This is a different world, I teach the kids to stay together. That goes for my son too, he must stay with a buddy, right now he's 10.
Safety in numbers.
I absolutely would never let either of my daughters walk alone anywhere, under any circumstances. In case you think that's being overprotective, visit www.traffic911.com and realize how rampant human sex trafficking actually is, right here in our neighborhoods.
As far as the gender differences, I don't have sons, so I'm not sure how I would feel about that, but I really think it wouldn't be much different. I think I wouldn't want a boy walking anywhere alone either. But who knows!
I grew up in a very large family and our Mom was like this too. The boys could go for walks and bike longer distances than us. My Mom wouldn't let us girls walk anywhere alone. She always said it was too dangerous for girls, because they are a higher risk of something happening then the boys were.
Lucky for me though, my brothers never minded walking me places, and I always felt more comfortable with it. There were many times that I was very glad that I had my older brothers with me. There were a few instances that older boys or men would follow me, or make comments at me and my brothers always took care of it. Or once I crashed on my bike really bad, couldnt even get up, and thankfully again, my brothers were there to help me, and carry me home. And we were less than that half mile from home. Who knows what could have happened if I was alone.
You just never know, and I never understood what the difference was when my Mom would tell me, that its different with boys and girls, until those things happened.
Thank you Mamazita and Coffeemama! Please, please everyone, read the book "Free Range Kids". Our fears are totally unfounded and we are raising a whole generation of fearful, incompetent kids. A girl can't walk an 8 minute walk?? Are you kidding? At 13?? But boys can!? No way am I raising my daughter this way.
My daughter, at nine, already rides her bike to her friend's house about 1 1/2 miles away. She will ride bike and/or walk to friend's house, cuz I'm not going to drive her there. Yes, she is training in karate, and I talk with her about what to do in various situations, and she's learning to speak up and defend herself, and ask for help, and to run away....those skills will protect her better than me trying to keep her locked in a house or car.
But, as the data in the book states, if I WANTED a stranger to abduct my daughter, I would have to leave her outside for over 2,000 YEARS. That is how rare stranger abduction is in this country. In the meantime, we lock our kids indoors and childhood obesity is increasing so fast that our children will die younger than we will! For the first time ever in our country's history!
When I was 13 I had a friend whose mom didnt drive due to medical reasons. We were together all the time. We never had any issues with anyone trying to harm us. I think your friend is probably just overly concerned. Maybe suggest walking with the girls a few times, and by walking with them I mean walking behind them far enough so they arent embarrassed to be seen with their moms but close enough so you can see them.
Read the book called "Free Range Kids" if you haven't already; it really puts things into perspective. We actually have lower crime rates today than we did years ago, but our media hypes up every kidnapping case that they think will get them ratings so much that we believe that there is a potential kidnapper living on every corner. It is very sad.
I personally think that boys or girls should both have the same standards and rules; so with my kids, I would make them walk together or with friends but not by themselves. I think you are fine and your assessment of the situation is accurate; most likely your kids are safe.
I have to agree with you.
Many of the responses below show how much irrational fear has seeped into our parental reasoning (thanks 24 hour news media and People magazine!)
Kids are far, FAR more likely to be molested/abused by family members, family friends, priests, coaches, teachers, etc. and yet the incredibly rare case of stranger abduction is what drives this thought process :(
From about the age of 8 I played outside with my friends all the time without supervision, walked to school and just about everywhere else. I had an incredible street sensibility, and a good instinct when something didn't feel right. I've given my own kids a certain amount of freedom around town at the age of 11.
I myself was molested by the man who was supposed to be taking care of me, between the ages of 10 and 14.
The real, most common and most likely-to-happen-to-your-child enemy is NOT the boogy man, it is the man who works his way into your home and your heart, and often he will go after your son as well as your daughter!
Wake up mamas!!!
Hi JB,
It's really about the kids themselves. That mom knows her daughter best. Like Kim D says, some kids are 13, look 18, act like they're 3. Maturity has a lot to do with safety. Look to your SD's maturity and her quick thinking in accidents and tricky situations.
My kids are younger and while they walk home together, they only occasionally walk home alone. It's about giving them opportunities to "feel" the differences and to practice safety skills. Let them experience what it's like to walk when it's safe, so that when they walk and it's not safe they can immediately pick up on the warning signs.
The book to read is called "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker, which should actually be called the Gift of Intuition. It's about teaching your kids how to pay attention to their intuition and stay safe. There is one for teens as well.
Gender does not matter when it comes to vulnerability. In fact males have higher crime statistics because of these misconceptions. And the interpretation of the statistics that "Free Range Kids" uses is not accurate. While I respect that as a Mom, Ms. Skenazy has great expertise. That book was not written by a police officer or anyone that actually works with crime statistics and crime.
The fact is crime rates are down because parents and kids are being smarter about it. But at the same time, if someone is being raped they have a better chance of being helped if they yell, "Fire." And the farmer with the free range chickens still has a fence around that range...and chickens are pretty easy to replace.
S.
There's a self defense class called R.A.D. that all kids, boys and girls, should be required to take. Here's the website http://www.rad-systems.com/.
I took the course 2 years ago and as a small woman (I'm the size of an average 12 year old) I feel much better going out anywhere knowing that I've at least done something to help myself if ever found in a hairy situation.
You can ask you local police department to hold a class or organize one through the R.A.D. teachers. My son took the class in 2nd grade as part of an after school program. My daughter will also when she's old enough.
It's as much about using your voice to say "NO" and listening to your intuition than is is about actually fighting back enough to get away.
I want my kids to have the freedom to explore our world but also have the capabilities to protect themselves if need be.
I walked everywhere. But I also had at that age, men yell at me, follow me and hassass me. If I had a daughter, I would probably prefer her to get rides. I would not ban her from walking but, I would prepare for the types of harrassment she could face.
I love free range kids, and I know dangers are real. I do believe in letting my son learn to navigate life. And he needs to the freedom to be a kid. I feel the risks, do not outway living life. But I would do things differently with boys. Boy are more likely to be abused by some they know. Girls are different story, I know because I was a girl.
