My step son comes to us on long holidays. At these times I am at home with him while my husband is at work. My frustration begins anytime I request him to do anything. It can be as simple as washing his hands to making his bed. He gets mad if anyone laughs at him even if it is in fun. But turns around and laughs at the same thing about one of the other kids. He stomps his feet when walking, sticks his bottom lip out, drops his head down, and just completely shuts down when talking to him about his behavior. Oh and he also rolls his eyes at me. I am appalled and imbarassed taking him anywhere in public. I am at my whits end and feel like I am about to explode! How do I help him to become the man I know he can be? Remember I only have short periods of time with him. Please!!!!
I can't comment on the unique issues faced by steps but I can tell you that what you are describing is TYPICAL 13 YEAR behavior. My son is 16 and went thru the same thing - for a while there it was like he had been abducted by aliens. But he came thru it! So don't take it too personally; give up on rules about making beds and washing hands - insist only on the very important things like treating you and others with respect. Good luck!
First of all you said step son, so i will assume he is a victim of divorce. Kids do not like of appreciate being passed around from one home to another, but that is what divorce does to children, and if this is the case, his behavior may be do to anger. At one house things are done this way and the other house things are done another way. I don't know how long he has been your step son, but give him time, you are not his mother, you are the woman who married his father, if this is the case in your situation. be patient. J.
I don't think that's typical 13 year old behavior at all. It's just plain disrespectful. Even if he doesn't like what you're saying or doesn't want to hear it, there's no excuse for rolling his eyes and stomping his feet. I wouldn't allow my daughter to behave that way towards my husband (her stepfather).
Your husband needs to find a way to be there when his son is there visiting. If it's only long weekends, I would think he'd be able to take that time off. To be honest - if I were his mother and I found out that every time my son went there, you were the only one he was visiting with and not his father, I'd be pretty annoyed - not because you're the stepmother but because his father is supposed to be spending time with his son. Perhaps that's part of why he acts the way he does.
Your husband should be the one "helping him become a man". You're in this together but it when it gets right down to it, it's still HIS son. Also depending on their relationship, this might also warrant a discussion with the child's mother about his behavior.
What is described as typical adolescent behavior is really a lack of problem solving skills. The do what works for them. Go to www.empoweringparents.com and read the articles that best relate to your child's behavior. This is an amazing resource for any parent. It will give you all the advice you are looking for, how to handle the situations positively and get results. Another good resource is www.loveandlogic.com. Good luck, hang in there!
In my experience, and I have raised two 13 year old boys.........13 is a disgusting age! Everything you described is sooooooooooo normal. A child that is split between two homes is likely to have a harder time.
His hormones are raging. His body and brain are affected and he has no control over these changes. Emotional outbursts are normal.
He is trying to come into manhood. Trying to be independent and his own person. he is a duck out of water!
My advices is to be kind and patient while imposing sensible consequences to poor behavior. But by all means pick your battles. Grow some tough skin and ignore as much as you can muster.
How long has it been since his dad and mom divorced? How long have you been in the picture? The duration of your relationship with this boy, and the feelings he has about his dad leaving his home, would probably determine what you can reasonably expect from him.
And this is pretty common behavior in many adolescent kids, even when a step parent isn't involved. Since you have short periods of time to get to know him, take an interest in his life, and establish a meaningful relationship, you're at a disadvantage.
Your embarrassment and irritation with him could actually be the impetus for ongoing annoying behavior, if he resents you or is still angry or hurt at his dad over the divorce. He didn't ask for those changes in his life, and they are almost certainly painful for him. Your expectations that he be a man are probably pretty out of reach for him most of the time, especially if he experiences your attitudes toward him as judgemental or antagonistic.
I'd like to suggest a really great book that has tips step-parents would find effective, as well as parents. This child may need to know you're willing to be on his side and support him where he is, rather than demand he get on your program. Really, do you give him reasons to want to? But you can find out how to respectfully support his emotional state while asking the same from him by applying the wise techniques in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. Every parent I know who has employed these tips has been amazed at the transformation in their children's attitudes, and their own.
As with any step child,it is up to you to make him realize he does not have to like you but he does have to respect and mind you.Sit him down for a very frank talk.Does your husband stand behind you? My step daughter was 15 when she came to live with us and she had problems so I just told her that her behaviour would not be tolerated in my home or around my children and it was to be understood that if she continued she would not be welcome. I know it sounds harsh but I had a 9 and 7 year old that looked up to her and I did not want them repeating her bahaviour.You should try mirroring his behaviour and see if he takes the hint.Pout,stomp around,roll your eyes everytime he asks for something.
There are lots of good answers here.
One other thought - how is his physical health? Does he sleep? Have regular bowels (not easy to know with a teen that age)? Does he have any ADD issues? Socialization problems?
My point is that he may be dealing with physical issues that make him short-tempered and aggressive. Then again - that may have little to do with it.
Regardless of the underlying causes (and bouncing between houses doesn't help most situations) he needs unconditional love and support from you. Try to see things from his perspective. I'm not saying to let him treat you badly - but do try to ease up on everything but the "big stuff." And definitely make his father be the "point person" in dealing with all this - that's his job not yours.
Good luck.
I'm sure it's hard on everyone to have a different routine. There is a great book/audio book called "How to Talk so Teens will Listen" by Faber/Mazlish.
Another great author for teen angst is Jane Nelsen. She also has a website with a message board that can help with some responses backed by solid training, research and been-there-done-that parents. If you are interested in a genuine relationship with your step-son, both are great resources for understanding and new ideas.
I think you should inform his dad about the behavior your step son is showing you. Inform your husband that if your step son doesn't show you respect then he's not allowed to visit. Your step son isn't receptive to you because you're not his biological parent which shouldn't be the determining factor on what's required from him and your household. Do not give in, be strong, and demand what you know is right. Respect, Respect, Respect.
Dear K.:
I absolutely cannot stand whiney behavior myself. What I did with my daughter was tell her to take the behavior to her room and tell her to leave the behavior in her room and come out when she was ready. Sometimes that was a quick stay in the room, sometimes longer. I only had to send her back once or twice for bringing the behavior back with her.
Nowadays, at 14, she'll put herself in her room when she feels a mood coming on. About the worst I usually have to deal with is an occasional eye roll; that does seem to go with the territory of being a teenager!
It sounds like your stepson knows what is expected of him. I'd have a little chat when everyone is in a good mood at the beginning of the visit reminding him what is expected and follow through. If there's a lot of eye rolling in public, let him know up front the outing will be canceled and you'll be going home after you warn him once.
The biggest thing is figure out a set of rules with your husband, you both talk to him and everybody follows through every time. Be sure to give a warning when his behavior is slipping. I'm finding teenagers seem to need as many reminders as toddlers!
L. F., mom of a 14-year-old daughter
I agree with JR, maybe part of the issue is that this boy wants to spend time with his dad and is hurt that he comes to visit, but his dad still goes to work. I realize not everyone has an abundance of vacation time, and maybe that's the issue with your family, but if there is any way you husband could take off at least 1 or 2 days to spend time individual time with his son and also family time while the son is in town could go a long way toward improving this boy's attitude. Good luck, I know it's hard, but what you have been trying doesn't work, so it's definitely time to try a different approach and your husband needs to be a big part of this new approach.
