13 Year Old Is He Being Lazy or Something More?

He has no inner discipline. Some things that build it are singing lessons or learning an instrument, gymnastics, Karate or Tai Kwan Do.

It could be a puberty issue. He is expressing his control over his life with not doing his work. A poor choice. I have a junior in high school, and middle school was a challenge. Does your school have a school counselor that is part of sped? You should contact them and see if you can get him some accomodations and or help. See if your school or the district has a list of tutor's you can use. This is way cheaper than sylvan. If nothing else, if he has F's and can't play basketball this year, maybe it will be a wake up call for him.

I'm going through this with my 15 y/o frieshman son and in fact I just posted about it. Based on that, I'm not sure if I can be much help. I think it could be helpful if you ask him why he's doing this - not sure if you've had the discussion yet. At least it gets him thinking about it. If he enjoys sports and is not able to participate in basketball then he will get a significant punishment that way and it will be all of his own making. I would definitely talk to his guidance counselor to see what's going on. Does he have ADD that is causing him to lose focus - you can still be very bright but have a focus issue. Sometimes these don't show up until the work load gets a little heavier - such as in middle school and high school.
This could definitely be a puberty issue. The principal of our high school says there is no bigger knucklehead than an 8th grade boy (your son's almost there).
Because I have been battling this same issue I can tell you that it is a constant battle and that you do have to stay on top of him. Don't assume that stepping back is the answer. I am hopeful that as they mature, it will get better. Everyone tells me that it will get better. I'm waiting.
Sorry I couldn't be more help but I am in the same place as you are. Just love him though - that's probably the most important thing.
You're a great mom for caring so much.

y wait til the school enforces good academics for sports? My mom raised us on that, if we didn't have a b or better in grade school, sports was out of the question but in middle it was c beause the material gets harder and it's the school's policy.

it's time for dad AND MOM interaction, obviously the rounds with dad is not helping except to waste oxygen- i say a different approach is needed, what my husband and i did with my step daughter, the worse she got, the quieter we got, we even got to the point where we would say ABSOLUTELY nothing to her, we gave her a list of her expectations while with us and completely iscolated her to her room when homework time or just to be bored, and her room had HER BED-no more and she slept alone when she was used to her sister being in there with her (have a trundle bed). she also begged for that attention (even neg) from her dad by acting out and refusing to do her work, so he showed her NOTHING told her what I would be doing with her and if there was an outside chore everyone else was inside, and vise verse. she ate in her room (sandwichs while everyone else had the "meal")

my husband eventually told her (mom and dad went through a HARD divorce) to talk to someone if she's still having issues with it or sit down, shut up and do as told...was hard yes but it was his way of saying, i felt sorry for you then and it's time to handle it all in a healthier way if you can't get past it....

she's an a b student now

it worked for us.

he could be really bored. public school, especially in the middle school years, can be excruciatingly boring. it's wonderful that he loves sports, and he clearly isn't "lazy." it sounds like your husband's approach may be making it worse, getting into a power struggle. labeling him "lazy" (or anything else) is not at all helpful. are there other school alternatives? where he could be more interested and challenged? learning should be fun and engaging. if his school is boring, he's smart to tune out. and it's great that he's becoming more opinionated, learning to think for himself! on the other hand, there could be some other underlying issues. maybe you could talk with him privately, not to lecture him but to listen and acknowledge how he feels. counseling either individual for him and/or the whole family could be very helpful. he really sounds like a great guy.

I think its his environment. His educational growth is being stunted being in a public school where the teacher teaches straight down the center, while the kids who are struggling, or those excelling are left to slip through the cracks. Since your son has shown you how intelligent he is, and what he is capable of, he could be bored to death and lose interest in things in the classes he is in now. I would look at homeschooling your child. If he is independent, he could even do a lot of this on his own. There are so many choices with curriculum nowadays. He can progress as rapidly as he chooses, and would be out of the environment that is ruining his education.

http://www.homeschoolinfo.org/prosofhomeschooling.htm

Give him the natural consequences of his choices, just like what will happen when he is an adult. Take everything away until he can only concentrate on what he needs to do. No TV, NO music (MP3 player/radio), No internet or computer if you can, No friends, No sports & nothing new bought for him, NOTHING! Sometime the absents of distractions helps kids to figure out on their own what needs to be done.

We had the same thing happen with my step son in middle school. He actually came to live with us in sixth grade during xmas vacation. He was getting Cs, Ds, and Fs with living with his mom. We new that our son was not a scholar but could do much better than what he was. After an adjustment time and him thinking he could get away with stuff we started to really get on him. I finally resorted to bribery. I would pay him for his grades and that seemed to help. We put him in an after school program that would help him with his school work. We also got him a tutor. We just kind of figured if he was tired of us nagging and putting him in all these extra help classes then he would figure out what needs to be done. Well, unfortunately, nothing really changed throughout middle school. But when he got to high school his attitude totally changed. I was still paying him for grades on his report cards, but he actually did the work....most of the time. My step son is now 20. Has been through college and got his associates degree with honors, and has decided to join the Army. I know, a little backwards, but thats our son. He told me the other day, that he knew he could do the work, its just that he didn't feel like it, which we knew all along. Sounds like your son may be a little bored. Have either of you just sat down and talk to him to see what his opinion of the whole situation is. Maybe he just needs a challenge and be put into excelerated classes. Good luck!!

I can't speak from the parent's perspective of this problem but I can tell you that I did the same thing in middle school. I was a straight A student until my 6th grade and then I started to fail. I would actually do the homework and then not bother to turn it in. My grades continued to be a problem until my junior year of high school. My parents tried EVERYTHING and nothing worked. And then, in my junior year, my grades just came up. The problem was just what you're saying -- I didn't care. It didn't seem relevant, the schoolwork was boring, and I had other things that I was more worried about -- like my social life and worrying about how normal I was or wasn't. We moved around quite a bit and I ended up feeling very much an outsider. Of course, without moving around, the focus changes for a lot of kids in middle school because they're all finding their place. Anyway, when my grades did finally improve, it was because I had matured enough to realize that they mattered. Nothing my parents did was going to change my grades until it mattered to me.

On the other hand, continuing to be involved and concerned communicated to me that school was important and relevant. My parents also involved me in activities such as Odyssey of the Mind, which was mentally challenging and put me in an environment with other smart kids who were academic achievers. It was fun, I built social ties with other kids who'd been labeled Talented and Gifted, and it put me in a situation where it made sense to put out some effort because most of those kids were at least as smart as me and a lot of them were much smarter. Activities like softball were important as well because, again, I became deeply connected to other girls. I did my best academically when I felt secure socially. The only thing that I wish my parents had done that they didn't was put me in counseling. Obviously, I could have benefitted from it partially because we moved around so much. That really heightened my sense of isolation. But just being smart made me feel isolated from my peers. As strange as it sounds, being smart can make school really hard because it's not a purely academic setting. It's a social settting with a lot of kids who are all trying to figure out who they are. Consequently, sometimes smart kids get treated like brown-nosers, geeks, or with embarassing reverence.

Anyway, my advice would be to keep doing what you're doing, keep in mind that he will grow up and probably out of this stage (there is a light at the end of this tunnel!), and seek out opportunities for him to express himself and his intelligence in fun and challenging ways. And think about finding someone he can talk to, be it a professional counselor or just an adult that connects with him who can really listen to him.

I am now finishing my first semester of law school and graduated from college with honors (after having a baby in the middle of a semester). So don't worry -- this phase is not necessarily determinative.

Hope this helps!

Have you tried to talk to him about how he'd like to fix the problem? Or, have him talk to a therapist? (I was told while i was in highschool that someone who's grades dropped precipitously should automatically be referred for intervention, because the issue obviously wasn't about brain-power. A therapist may be able to help you figure out the cause, and suggest some better responses.)

I don't have kids that are that age, yet, but i feel a bit for your boy - i did have a hard time retaining focus in school, and i had poor study skills. It meant that i had a hard time performing well, even though i was intellectually up to the challenge. My poorly developed study skills have remained a problem. For me, i needed people to work with me and encourage me, not punish me, to get through this. I carried a lot of anger towards towards the situation because it was frustrating to me, but had little idea of how to fix it. I recognize some of these issues in hind sight, although i'm not sure i could have vocalized them at the time.

In short, a different approach to the punishment, is to let your son know that you believe in him, and that you're there as his support. Let him help you brainstorm with ideas for how to make sure the work gets done, and rewards for when it does get done. Maybe he'd like to go to a pro-ball game if he excels in a class or something like that?

I don't know that it is better than punishment. I do think that, perhaps you have to do it before you set up the adversarial relationship of a harsh punishment, if it is a path you choose.

Take everything away from him, I mean everything and he can earn it back by doing what is expected. Cell phone? Gone. iPod? Gone. TV at all? Gone. All of it- take everything out of his room except for the clothes he needs for that day.

At the end of the week, if all homework is completed and his test scores reflect passing grade, he can select one item or priviledge to have returned. Keep going until he's back in the swing of doing his work.

If he slips- YOU pick something to take back. Remember, for a punishment to work, it needs to be swift, severe and impacting. A threat that something may happen in the future or a long-winded yelling from dad is pretty much useless for most adolescents. He won't be thrilled to get home from school today to find his room looking Spartan and his clothes for tomorrow folded on the empty dresser.

Oh middle school (shudder). When my oldest was in middle school we had the same problem (minus the engineer's brain).
6th grade: First semester great, second semester EEP = passing by the skin of his teeth.
7th Grade: First semester UGH, Second semester good = passing by skin of teeth.
8th Grade: Good = average grades.

Middle School is a huge adjustment. My husband and my son both tell me it's worse than high school. Everyone is trying to figure out where they belong, bullying seems to be at it's worst. They are now expected to act like adults, but are still kids who have to answer to their teachers and mom and dad. They push their boundaries because they want to see what they can do.

Consistency is always best. But, maybe try letting him learn lessons the hard way. Give him his last reminder: No F's or you can't play sports. Then sit back (not totally, maintain your house rules on grades) and let him feel the embarassment of not being able to play a game. My son had to miss a game in 8th grade due to grades. That's why his grades improved and we didn't have as much stress that year. He was mortified at not being able to play.

My son has always had some learning issues, not because he doesn't try, but well, he's ADHD (Yep, it's real, I used to think it was a big crock, but learned the hard way). My son is 16 now and he still has to learn the hard way sometimes. For instance, he had a habit of leaving the headlights on in the car. The second day of school, when the bell rang at the end of the day, his battery was dead. It was embarassing for him to have people coming out and ribbing him while some friends jump-started the car. One friend told him a new battery was $200 (the friend actually believed this) and he would have to get a new battery. My son's voice quivered when he called home to tell me the car wouldn't start. He was relieved to learn it didn't need a new battery and the embarassment of the jump-start has kept him vigilant about turning off the headlights.

As for homework, he's much better. But he also, knows the house rule. Missing assignments or failing grades mean you're grounded until the assignments are turned in or the grade is brought up.

Hang in there and know that you are doing great as a parent. We all do the best we can.

he sounds "bored" of school. figure out ways to show him how "losers" end up. he's intelligent but doesnt want to follow protocol and that is a character flaw that needs to be worked on.